23. Freya #2
I stare at the slate gray sky, wishing it would rain harder, maybe then the water could wash away the scum that clings to my skin every time I hear the endearment Little Star. It’s fucked up and sick and the words crawl into my flesh till I want to burn my insides just to get rid of them.
Those two words terrify me. Zach terrifies me.
I focus on breathing, the rain steadily soaking into my jeans. Water gathers into droplets on my leather jacket and rolls down to the cuffs. Maybe the weather’s on my side because the rain definitely gets stronger. By the time River steps outside my curls are sticking to my face.
He stops beside me, a frown scowling his face. “You’re soaked.”
I’m still not talking to him, so I just stare back.
“Come on, you need to get out of the rain.” He grabs my wrist, but I tug it free, not wanting him to touch me right now.
He shoots me an exasperated look. “You can’t stay out here. You’ll get hypothermia.”
He’s probably right. The temperature is low today and my fingers are already going numb.
“Freya.” His voice drops low in warning and I kind of hate how just him saying my name has my body heating.
I think of Jude bleeding out on the floor then I brush past River and head towards the car.
The ride back to the house is silent. Cold. Despite River turning the heater on full blast. He parks up on the drive and my hand is on the door when lock clunks.
Fucking controlling bastard.
Except when he speaks, I’ve never heard him sound so soft. So gentle. “Are you okay?”
My teeth hurt from clenching them.
“Freya… talk to me.”
I refuse to look at him, staring instead at his reflection in the dark window.
The dreary day is turning to night outside so I can see him crystal clear in the glass.
See the lines of worry on his forehead, the desperation and hurt in his eyes.
He never shows me this much when I’m looking at him, there’s always that mask of control in place but when I turn around he doesn’t hide it.
For once I can see it all, the emotions written across his face.
I want to go back to how we were before. I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me that everything will be okay, that Zach can’t hurt me anymore. But I’m still so fucking mad at him.
I break eye contact and stare at the dashboard. “Let me out. Please.”
River’s heavy breath fills the car, but he takes the child lock off and I hurry out.
Inside, River takes off his coat and hangs it on the hooks by the front door. “You can take my room tonight,” he says.
I stop halfway to the stairs, my movements slow as I turn to face him. “What? Not going to shut me in with my sister?”
“Freya—”
“No.” The thought of that fucking locked door slams back into me and I let the vicious anger I feel towards River overpower me.
“I couldn’t get to him.” I squeeze my hand into a fist. “I heard the gunshot. I knew Jude was in trouble, and I couldn’t fucking get to him.
” I snap my gaze to River and glare at him.
“Still think it was a good idea to lock me up?”
River works his jaw, his hand still splayed on the wall above the hooks. “I hadn’t exactly anticipated Jude getting shot.”
A torn, frustrated sound catches in my throat, and I throw up my arms. “You can’t predict everything. You can’t control everything.”
River crosses his arms. “I’m not having this conversation with you. Not now.”
“I thought you wanted me to talk? Or can we only do that on your terms?” I scoff and run my fingers through my damp hair. “How are your grand plans working out River? Because from what I can tell all we ever do is fuck or fight and it’s not solving anything.”
“Because no matter what I do you’re still pulling away,” he fires back.
“No, I’m not.”
“Really?” He takes a step towards me. “Why didn’t you call me when you heard the gunshot? I could have opened your door remotely.”
My arms go limp, my mouth dropping open as disbelief rolls through me. “Well, I didn’t know that! I don’t know anything anymore because apparently, I’m no longer a part of this team. Do you have any idea how helpless I felt?”
River moves like lightning, his face inches from mine and his voice low and unforgiving. “Maybe about as helpless as I felt every day of the eight fucking weeks you were gone.”
His fear hits me in the stomach but I push it away. I swallow, my tongue darting out to wet my lips. “It’s not the same. I wasn’t in danger.”
River’s eyes darken. “Weren’t you? We had no idea where you were.
Every morning I’d wake up thinking that maybe Zach had found you and I was chasing a ghost because you were lying dead in a shallow grave.
” His breathing is ragged as he shakes his head.
“I still don’t think you understand what you mean to me.
I don’t exist without you, Freya. If you leave this world then I do too.
I won’t let anyone take you away from me, not even you.
” He sucks in a breath through his teeth.
“I’m sorry Jude got shot but I’m not going to apologize for my attempts to keep you safe. ”
A distressed laugh slips from my lips as I step back, my ankles hitting the bottom step. “Is that what you think you’re doing? Keeping me safe?”
River’s brows shadow his gaze.
Tiredness tugs at my entire body. “If you think this is just about Jude, you’re a fucking idiot.”
“Then what the hell is it about?” He flings his hand out towards the door. “Do you really want to leave? Is that it?”
“No that’s not fucking it!” I shake my head, not believing I really have to spell it out for him.
“I told you this. You know this. I’ve never told anyone about my childhood, but I told you .
For god’s sake, I spent over half my life—every other day—locked in a basement, River. You. Can’t. Lock. Me. Up.”
River’s hands fall to his sides. He holds my gaze, a myriad of emotions flicking through his eyes. I see it happen. The moment they settle on pure devastation. The moment he finally realizes what he’s done.
“Fuck. Freya…” The muscles in his throat ripple.
We breathe in the silence, the air thick with tension.
Oz’s footsteps shatter the quiet as he comes downstairs. “I heard shouting. Everything alright?” he asks.
River stays silent for another moment before another blank mask falls over his face. He nods at Oz then turns on his heels and leaves.
My heart sinks. So much for talking.