Chapter 27
DIANA
The courtyard below the Iron Castle has oil drums ablaze, the flames licking up into the cold air. Someone strung painted hubcaps, and then broken glass into garlands to catch the light. People near the fires to warm their hands.
It’s a gathering that’s larger than I’m used to seeing. Even children are there, weaving between pillars. Then I notice, under an overhang, what looks like a line of food on a table.
It makes me sad because we used to do something like this at the Enclave every fortnight during the cold season.
“Sit and eat.”
I turn around to see that Judge has laid out the food I had ignored before, which is roasted beef, mashed potatoes, some squash, and, of course, bread pudding.
It’s colder than it was when he first brought it in, but whatever.
I sit on the blanket and go with it, because I found I don’t like being force-fed, which he did on day three.
Judge then gets behind me, and I stiffen, the warmth of his body spreading behind me.
I realize he’s taken the other blanket and thrown it over his shoulders.
“I don’t have a blanket.”
“Then you’ll have to lean against me so I can wrap mine around you.”
A grin spreads on my face, one I don’t have to worry about him seeing.
“Good to know,” I say, taking a few rushed bites of the meat, and then finishing the bread pudding so we can get this past us and maybe actually talk more.
I drink out of a canteen, feeling rather on the spot since he’s not doing anything himself, other than sitting behind me.
When I hear footsteps on the stairs, I actually jump back into Judge without thought, his arm reaching out almost instinctively as he tightens me against him and his heat. He doesn’t move to his feet or anything, or seem surprised.
Did he invite others here? Is this about to turn into something fucked up? My heart races, my eyes widening—only for Kitty to enter, carrying a thermos, and put it down without a word or making eye contact.
“What is that?” I ask once she’s gone.
“Hot chocolate.” He reaches over, his arms now around me as he uses both hands to open it. “I asked for it before I came up the steps.”
I want out of this grip, because the way he feels warm and comfortable makes me start to question who I really am… Since when do I enjoy Judge’s physical presence and he’s not growling or purring?
“You can drink it, or be stubborn. Up to you.”
“What are you up to?” I ask, turning it back on him.
“Drink the hot chocolate, and I’ll tell you where Selene is.”
My blood runs cold, but it helps. It removes any semblance of enjoying him. “Romantic,” I chide, grabbing the thermos and bringing it to my nose, breathing in the milky chocolate goodness. It doesn’t smell as good as usual, but it’s still warm. And I’m cold.
“You’re the one forcing me to be dramatic.”
I sip the hot chocolate with the ghost of a smile on my face. Maybe it tastes different because they ran out of whatever they were using before. “What are they doing down there?”
“That’s a pre-Yule festival,” he says quietly.
“You celebrate Yule?” I know Christmas used to be a holiday before the bloom, although now it seems everyone has moved to calling it Yule.
There’s not exactly a lot of presents one can give out here, and all the magazines and books make Christmas look like it was stacks of things.
It’s still hard to wrap my head around the world being able to make so many items like that, and they just…
gave them to others. I don’t know. It’s hard thinking like that when the one materialistic thing I had of my family is no longer here.
What’s the point of stuff without the people?
“Of course we celebrate it. Gatherings like this, if you break apart social norms, are also a form of keeping people happy. It offers an outlet, and simple hope, when the nights are short and cold.”
“Is everything you do for control?”
He pauses in his reply, almost as if he’s actually considering that. “Once you’re at my level of running things, you don’t get the liberty to just exist.”
I had every intention to mostly ignore whatever he said, but those words dust over my mind like there’s no wind to keep carrying them.
I didn’t think about it as if he’s carrying weight, because then that means he cares.
The possible humanization of him scares me, but it’s also an opening to try and weasel my way into his good side, so I can maybe get out of here, even if for a day. “Why did you take it on?” I gently ask.
I even twist back to look at him, hoping that maybe it can persuade him in the slightest. My heart races at this gentle proximity, at the way he towers over me and is the epitome of a warm, rough, attentive alpha in this very moment.
With his next blink, his gaze moves to me, and it nearly makes my heart stop. It’s like I’m sitting next to a lion that I’m not convinced wouldn’t eat me.
“Everyone else was terrible at it.” His lips are mesmerizing to watch them move while this close. “What’s one thing in this life you’ve wished for?” he asks.
I stupidly stare at him. “What?”
“Tell me.”
A part of me refuses to reveal the truth, and then the other loves that it’s an opportunity for drama.
The survival side begs me not to waste this, because, whether I like it or not, Judge has forced himself into being the barrier to my freedom.
“I used to wish for an alpha, actually,” I gently explain.
“But I always knew it was a pointless dream. All alphas just want to fuck their omegas into submission. I could never trust one enough to let him in.”
I can’t read what he’s thinking, other than his expression is severely lacking in its typical intensity. “Do you want to know what I wished for?” he asks, not taking my bait.
“No,” I say, turning my head around.
I know I’m supposed to be better at this, but the way he’s making my heart race like his words might actually mean something freaks me out.
He leans down into my ear, and my breath is shaky as I exhale through my nose. “I wanted an omega. Not to fuck into submission, but a person I knew I’d never have to worry if my back was turned to her.”
“You have an entire gang of people that you trust.”
“We trust each other, sure. But we all know we’re human. There’s nothing that rivals the trust an alpha and omega have.”
I don’t know why he’s doing this. It’s making him slightly interesting to me, and I hate it. “Where is Selene?” I ask, dreading the answer in case it’s not what I want to hear.
“I sent her back to the Enclave. A letter should be coming in the next few weeks from her.” Judge leans in one more time, his breath on my ear, a fluttery sensation flooding my navel as if I haven’t drooled on this man's cock before. “Answer me this next question, and we can go.”
“Yes, please.” It comes out more like a squeak. He really sent her back?
He moves his nose closer, grazing against my temple. “What would it take for you to trust me?”
That strikes deep, as if he’s managed to pry open a very sheltered part of my soul. I glance down at my hands, the thermos still there. I sip on the hot chocolate, but it’s too heavy in my stomach with the way he’s manipulating me right now. “I don’t even know the answer.”
He pulls his face back. “Then we’ll wait until it strikes you.”
“I don’t have an answer.”
“Again, we’ll wait.”
I try to re-center myself, and dare I admit that I’m… curious? “Tell me when you got involved with Dominion. Let’s start there.”
Judge wraps the blanket around us, and it’s so weird to be sitting like this with the alpha of the people who congregate in front of me. “I came to Dominion nearly fifteen years ago. Rose up to this rank nine years ago.”
“What do the different tattoos mean?”
“Those with the top half of a skull are the road dolls, those with the bottom to complete it are Iron spouses. A dagger through the right side means you wear your own leathers, have paid with blood, and officially work for the gang. Double daggers mean you are in charge of it all.” He leans into my ear again.
“It means I’m as high as it goes,” he says, and I swear I can hear the cocky grin in his voice.
There’s something to this intimacy that makes me realize we haven’t kissed yet, not even in estrus. I don’t think I can handle kissing this man right now; that would be a betrayal I couldn’t forgive myself for. “What happened to the one before you?”
“Died of some fever. A real boring death.” I can feel the vibrations of his chest against my back when he speaks, and I’m dreading the idea of him actually purring for me.
I feel incredibly weak to him right now.
“Where were you before Dominion?” I ask, keeping the silence at bay.
“That answer won’t come until you’re bonded.”
My eyes roll so hard it almost hurts, and I’m so thankful for the reminder that I don’t like this man. “Why?”
“Because the answer is incredibly personal.”
My breathing slows, because as much as that annoys me, it also dawns on me that he doesn’t want to risk giving any details of himself. A vulnerability.
I can work with that.
The silence takes us, the only sound now being that of the fun that everyone is having down below, while I’m stuck in this large, attic space.
One thing I know is I’m getting tired of sitting here, because it’s confusing the shit out of me.
How can someone smell like masculine vanilla?
It’s what he reeks of, and it’s catnip to my nervous system, along with how warm and big he is.
All the while, I want to fight and bicker with him.
Tell him he’s an asshole. Tell him he will never bite me, even though I just told him to do so.
Honestly, I feel crazy.
Well… what if I am? What if that’s been the problem all this time? What if the Black Mirage is best for me because once I’m stripped of being an omega, I’ll belong among the eccentric?