Chapter 13
Thirteen
Christian
“You had a fucking heart attack and never called to tell me???” he snaps in lieu of a greeting.
“Good morning, sweetheart. Nice to hear from you.”
“Don’t fucking ‘sweetheart’ me. I had to hear this from Miranda, Christian. What the actual fuck?”
I sigh. “Well, sorry about that, but there seemed no sense in worrying everyone. I’m fine.”
“I’m not everyone,” he says, sounding hurt. “I thought we were friends? Why wouldn’t you call to tell me?”
“You’re busy with Iliad, and your own life. Besides, it wasn’t particularly a conversation I wanted to have with you over the phone.”
He’s quiet for a moment. Then, gentler, “Are you okay?”
“Felix. I’m fine, I promise.”
“I was so fucking scared,” he admits quietly. “The idea of something happening to you... Fuck, Christian. I can’t. And like, how is it fair that you have a heart attack and my dad’s walking around in the prime of his pathetic, pointless fucking life?”
“Well, in regards to your father, I think to have a heart attack, one would be required to be in the possession of a heart.”
He snorts at this. “Yeah, you’re right. Well, I spoke to Ben and he’s happy to put Matt in for the next week so I can come over.”
“What? No, Felix, don’t be silly. I have enough people fluttering pointlessly around me as it is. Leo’s here, and I’ve Gael, my assistant, and my house staff, and a nurse who comes every other day to give me a once-over. I’m being very well looked after.”
“Oh, okay, well, fine.” He deflates. “I am coming to visit next month, though,” he threatens.
“And I’ll be delighted to see you, then.”
“I’m glad Leo’s there.”
“He hasn’t left my side; it’s like having a bloody toddler again.”
“You can hardly blame him. He must have been shitting it…”
“Of course, yes. And I’m glad he’s here, but I’ve barely had a moment alone since he arrived.
” It’s the main reason I haven’t been able to see Asher since I got home.
I was surrounded, day and night, by people who wanted to know what I was doing and how I was feeling at every waking moment.
Felix and I talk about what happened, what my recovery looks like, and what they think caused it.
It’s on the very tip of my tongue to tell him about Asher.
If anyone would understand, would welcome this kind of madness I’ve gotten myself involved in again, it would be Felix.
But something holds me back. He’d want details, a lot of them.
Christ, he might even know his work. I know Felix watches porn.
I know most men watch porn. I’ve dabbled, of course, but I’m not what anyone would call a connoisseur.
In fact, the only porn star I know is the one I’m sleeping with.
“So how has the rest of the show been?” I shift the topic away from my health and back to him. “Still selling out every seat in the house?”
Felix sighs. “Ben says we could sell out three times over most nights. Which is wonderful, but I’m fucking tired. Nico is tired.”
“I can only imagine, but Christ, it’s a magnificent show, Felix. Is there to be a tour?”
“Almost certainly. He’s working out the details. But I’ve already told him I need a break before we even think about taking it overseas.”
“That’s very sensible,” I concur. “How is Nico? How are you both? Still desperately in love?”
He laughs, a little breathlessly. “Unfortunately. I don’t ever want to do this again: be in love.”
“Well, hopefully you won’t have to, sweetheart.”
“It’s fucking embarrassing how obsessed with him I am, though,” Felix whines. “I want to be with him every minute of the day. Does it calm down at any point, or is this just how it’ll be forever?”
“Do you want it to calm down?”
“Yes! I go to fucking Tesco’s and I’m calling him from the vegetable aisle because I miss his voice! Don’t tell him I said that, I always pretend it’s because I’ve forgot something. But it’s not. Christ, I love him.”
I smile, even as something small and sad flickers beneath my ribs. “I’m so happy for you, Felix. Truly. He’s a wonderful man, and he’s good for you.”
“He’s too good for me. He’ll realise that soon enough, and then he’ll leave me and I’ll go join a monastery.”
I laugh at this, at the very idea of Felix abstaining from sex. “Nico is very lucky, too, trust me, I know. You’re quite wonderful yourself.”
“Stop it. I’m a horrible cunt. You know it and he knows it: everyone knows it.”
“Felix,” I warn. He knows I won’t stand for this sort of talk about himself.
“Ok, sorry. Anyway, I didn’t mean to make it about me, you had a fucking heart attack. I can’t believe you had a heart attack.”
“A very minor one. Hardly worth mentioning.”
“Yeah, which is why you never bloody mentioned it.”
“I promise you, I am quite alright. Everything is quite alright.”
“Well, if anything, at least it means you’re taking some time off work. You work too hard. I’ve been telling you this for years. You need a fucking holiday.”
“Mmm, I have been enjoying the rest,” I admit.
??
Later that afternoon, I decide to leave the house.
I take a walk east through Dumbarton Oaks Park towards Georgetown.
I’d sneaked out while Leo was downstairs in the gym.
Gael had gone out to run some errands, and Mrs Kennedy was busy in the kitchen, so my escape route was clear.
At Wisconsin Avenue, I turn and head south towards the river.
It’s a pleasant day for a walk, clear skies and very little wind, and I have an image of walking hand in hand with Asher on a day just like this.
I should have told Felix about him, perhaps even asked his advice about how to navigate this thing, or if I even should.
I know what Felix would say, though, there would be no hesitation.
He’d encourage me to grab this thing with both hands and enjoy it, try to be happy again.
He’d told me that same thing when we’d begun our dalliance.
I still remember the look on his face when he realised I liked the look of him in the smallest pair of shorts.
He had been hard to ignore; he always was.
It had been a garden party at Adrian’s place after the closing down of parliament.
He’d looked apoplectic when Felix had wandered out from the house wearing only a pair of small pink shorts, flip flops, and a pair of pink-framed sunglasses, his body tanned and smooth all over.
The entire cabinet had turned and stared.
My mouth had fallen open, dick stirring dangerously in my trousers, and my throat dry as I swallowed.
“Oh look, it’s the government,” Felix drawled, unimpressed.
Then he flopped down on a sun lounger, shoved his headphones into his ears, and stretched his body out to tan.
Adrian had boiled quietly and tried his best to ignore his son until the food had been served.
At which point Felix had finally disappeared inside.
Later, I’d come out of the bathroom on the first floor to find him waiting outside.
I’d watched with awe as he’d come toward me, tanned body dappled with sweat and the scent of coconuts all around him.
He’d brought our bodies unnecessarily close as he’d squeezed past me into the bathroom.
Before closing the door, he’d given me a look and asked in a very sultry voice:
“Like what you see, Mr Foreign Secretary?”
The sun had been too hot, and I’d had too many glasses of wine by this point.
Felix was diabolically tempting—he always was.
He’d been flirting with me since he was a boy of sixteen, but he was a man now.
He had returned from Russia a man. A dancer.
A rising star. And he was going to make me lose the last thread of my restraint.
“Felix,” I’d warned.
His eyes had shuttered, tongue dipping out to lick his bottom lip. “Christian… I know you want this. And you can have it. I’ll be such a good boy for you.” He’d reached out a hand, looped it around my belt, and tugged me with him into the bathroom.
And he had been a good boy for me. He’d revived me, more than I even thought was possible a year after Stella’s death. I didn’t want to go back to who I’d been before Felix. He’d set me up for Asher, shown me that I could be happy again if I allowed myself to be.
Asher strutted into my life with the same brazen confidence that Felix once had —his bright blue eyes, impish smile, and a style all of his own. Was he a bad idea? Probably. Was he worth it? Most definitely.
I pull out my phone and dial his number. He doesn’t answer, though I get his voicemail.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m downtown, walking, and I wondered what you were doing and if you wanted to grab some early dinner? Sort of… like a date. If you’ve plans, that’s no problem. I just had a very rare afternoon alone and decided to take advantage of it. I’d love to see you. Let me know.”
I’m at the riverside when he texts back.
Z:
Sorry, was driving. Yes let’s go on a date. Where?
Me:
I’m at the waterfront right now. Do you have any recommendations?
I glance around, across the road is a movie theatre.
Me:
How about dinner and a movie? There’s a movie theatre too.
Z:
dinner and a movie, huh? Very basic.
Me:
I’m a basic sort of guy
Z:
Well, I’m not so I guess we balance each other out. I know the theatre. I’ll see you there in an hour.
Me:
perfect. we can eat after
I’m stupidly nervous. A date. I haven’t been on a date in…
Christ, twenty-five years? Aside from the dinner Bridget and I had taken one evening after being set up by some well-meaning friends.
Felix and I had never done anything that could have been considered a date. Something I’m a little ashamed of now.
I wander east along the Potomac for a while before turning and heading back towards the movie theatre. Leo texts me, demanding to know my whereabouts. I tell him the truth. I went for a walk, now I’m going to see a movie and get some dinner. I’ll be home later.