Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty Six
My hands tore through my hair in frustration as I scribbled into the little book laid before me.
Ingredients and recipes an endless list in my mind as the little travel cauldron bubbled atop the desk.
Ever since finding out there is a chance the fever was a creation of man, every idle thought had been spent either working to replicate it, or trying to cure it.
My breath misted in the air even with the blazing fire in the hearth of my small inn room. Amori City grew cold in the winters, but it was nothing compared to the true north of the kingdom. Halsrad, while it was a verdant city of trade in the spring and summer, had vicious winters.
Warm fresh wool lined my body, clothing that had been purchased immediately upon our arrival in the town.
They scratched and irritated my skin as I set to grinding down the goddess flower I’d purchased from a merchant only the day before.
The town, while bare of trade with the winter seas being far too tumultuous for the ships to brave, was still lively with its occupants.
The northern folk were gruff, but welcoming to those with coin to spend.
Bran and I had spent our first day—after warm baths and changing into fresh clothing—exploring and subtly asking after the woman named Misha. Our efforts proved unsuccessful, as everyone we encountered truly did not know the woman or simply didn’t wish to give away her whereabouts.
“You’re going to drive yourself mad.” I jumped at Rena’s voice, not hearing the door open. “You won’t find a cure holed up in this room, Syra. We have so little information.”
“We’re so close to the end of the quest and yet nowhere near where we need to be,” I groaned, my fingers tracing the little journal of scribbled notes and combinations I had been trying for the few days we had been staying here.
Kairen had insisted we rest and recuperate before we ventured out into the cold forests to continue our travel.
I couldn’t rest though, not when I so desperately felt like I needed to be doing something.
“Come out to eat with us tonight,” she insisted, a smile curving her full lips. “A certain man has been very agitated since you forbade him from entering this room two nights ago.”
“He was distracting me.”
“I’m sure he was.” Her laugh was musical, teasing, and my cheeks flamed at the insinuation.
“Not like that.”
Her hands rose, a placating gesture. “Whatever you say, but still you should join us for supper. Take a break, it’ll do you some good.”
A heavy sigh escaped me as I laid down the pestle and snuffed the flame beneath my cauldron. Perhaps she was right, maybe a break would clear my mind and I when returned fresh ideas would spark. “If you insist.”
Her arm linked through mine, as she lifted me from my seat, a victorious smile gracing her face. “I do.”
The tavern meal was hearty—the broth flavorful, the meat tender and delicious. It reminded me of Rosie's stew that she would make every few weeks, and I had half a mind to ask the woman if she was from the northern region when we got back to Amori City.
Bran scarfed his down in minutes and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was as homesick as I was. If he craved the peaceful breakfasts at the kitchen table and the late nights of music and firemead as much as I did.
“Any progress on finding the woman Wraith mentioned?” Kairen asked, and immediately a collection of groans sounded. Clearly none of us were having any luck. With a sigh he glanced towards me. “What about your potions?”
“I don’t even know where to begin, I have no starting point or information,” I said as my spoon dug into the stew, my appetite vanishing. We were so exhausted and soon we’d need to set off into the freezing forests to begin travel to the next town. We were losing hope, slowly but surely.
I felt a hand brush my knee and instantly knew it was Roan, though his eyes never looked my way.
His fingers traced a comforting pattern over my knee and I almost felt guilty for banning him from my room for the last two days.
I needed to focus and think, yet when he was around the only thing my mind could conjure was the feel of his lips against my skin, the touch of his hands on my body.
Even now, my skin warmed and my body tingled with the stark awareness of his touch, his attention.
The sensation, the feelings that came with being around Roan Delmar were utterly new. Nearly overwhelming and I didn’t have time to process this new direction we were venturing into with all my focus having to be on finding a cure. I didn’t yet know what to make of him or us.
Was there an us? Did he want there to be? Did I?
“Syra,” Bran’s hand was in my face, waving as his nose wrinkled, “are you good?”
“I’m fine,” I muttered, shoving another spoonful of stew into my mouth. “Just frustrated at the lack of progress we’ve made.”
Kairen glanced sidelong at me, brow raising. “As I was saying, we need to get our supplies tomorrow, we’re leaving as soon as dawn breaks the day after. I’ve already secured horses for the travel, and we need more of those endurance potions and possibly something to help keep us warm.”
I nodded. “Yes, I can brew something tonight.”
His nod was curt, lacking the usual charm he exuded.
I knew he was stressed, could see it in the tight lines of his face and the dark rings that circled his eyes.
He was exhausted. Though part of me still couldn’t get over our conversation, the accusation in his tone.
As though he knew there was something I desperately wanted to keep hidden.
It kept the anxiety simmering within me, a constant stewing that felt like it was on the constant edge of boiling over.
A paranoia that kept sleep at bay and it didn’t help that I couldn’t release the cursed magic that choked me from within.
I desperately needed to expend even the slightest bit of magic, but had nowhere safe to release it.
“Want to head back?” Roan’s voice was low, his worried eyes tracing over my face. Swallowing thickly, I nodded.
We bid our farewells and entered the snow covered streets of Halsrad. He stopped me for only a moment, pulling the thick wool hood of my cloak over my head before he ushered me up the street to the Inn that awaited us.
“Am I allowed back in your room, little menace?”
The almost sullen tone of the question had me biting back a smile as we entered the main floor.
“Will you behave?”
A scoff had me glancing over my shoulder as we took the curved staircase to my room, my focus immediately finding the infuriating smirk that settled on his lips.
“Depends on your definition of behaving, I suppose.”
My hummed response was cut short with a gasp as we reached my door, his light grip around my arm spinning me and pressing my back to the cool wood.
Amusement lit his gaze as he traced the shock I was sure settled into my features, his thumb brushing my parted lips.
“I’m growing weary of your avoidance, Syra.” His voice was a low murmur, a vulnerability that contrasted so sharply with our current situation softening his features. “Do you have regrets?”
“No, I’m—” My voice was soft as I brushed a hand against the rough stubble of his chin, hesitating. “Confused. I haven’t had any time to think. This quest is taking all my allotted brain power and I don't know where what happened aboard the ship leaves us. What it means or what I want it to mean.”
His brow rose, lips pulling into an amused frown. “Can it simply be just that? A kiss, a moment shared between two people? You were the one who said we should live in the moment, right?”
"And the feelings that tie into it, Captain? What of those?”
He hummed thoughtfully, fingertips slipping beneath the wool shirt to trace the bare skin of my waist.
“I have no expectations of you, little menace,” he said, his eyes trailing over my lips before flicking back to meet my eyes.
“You know my feelings, I haven’t been shy in expressing them.
Whether you’re ready to accept them or simply use the advantage you have over me is entirely up to you.
I’m completely at your mercy and will be fiendishly happy with whatever choice you wish to make. ”
“Roan—”
His head shook, “Love me, use me, ruin me. I don’t care as long as you have me.”
“I don’t know what it means to have someone.”
He pulled back slightly, brow raising. “Are you—”
Cheeks flushing, I groaned as I buried my head into my hands. “Goddess, no! Not like that, of course. You know I’ve had a past with McCay and there’s been others—”
A growl had my head lifting, a smile curving my lips. “I just mean that I’ve never felt like this, Roan. I don’t know if I’m capable of giving you what you deserve in return. I’m not sure I know how to—to love in this capacity. In a relationship, if that’s what you’re seeking.”
“And you think I do?”
At my look his body shook with a small laugh.
“Syra, I’ve been the Kinslayer since I was twelve years old.
Not exactly the greatest reputation for romantic pursuits, is it?
Have I lain with women before, yes? Those that wished for a night with the notorious pet of the king.
Have I loved or been loved? No. Nor have I wanted to, until now. Until you.”
My breath caught as his hand brushed my cheek. “We can take it as slow as you would like to, but can’t we at least try?”
My teeth caught my lip before I released a low sigh. I wanted to try, that much I knew. Yet I was terrified.
Terrified of the secrets I kept from him, terrified of what awaited us back in Amori City.
Completely and utterly terrified that if I gave into the feelings that I had for him, there would be no return. That I would fall deeply and irrevocably in love with him and that it would eventually leave me shattered. A risk. As everything in life was.
But what exactly was life without any element of risk? What treasures could I reap if I leapt over the ledge just this once?
“You can come in.” My soft reply had a grin warming his handsome face, so bright it felt earth shattering. It left me stunned as I stumbled over the next words. “But I—I truly need to work, so you have to behave. Keep your hands and your flowery words to yourself, okay?”
His disbelieving laugh rumbled against my back as I turned to unlock the door. “Flowery words? You truly know how to flatter a man.”
“I’m serious, Roan.” I spoke, even as I fought against the smile that threatened to form. “Absolutely no distractions. I need to get these potions done.”
“I swear, I will make no attempts at distracting you.” His words were thinly veiled with a feigned solemnity as I moved to my makeshift work station. “Though if I recall, you once claimed my mere presence was a distraction in itself, so I can’t be held liable.”
My look was scathing as he laid upon the bed and stretched out, eyes hooded as he watched me. “Your ego is immeasurable.”
“I think it’s one of my many adoring traits.”
My laugh came unbidden as I discarded the crushed goddess flower I’d been working with earlier in the day into a little pouch.
Instead reaching for the frostberries to begin peeling the skin from the meat of the fruit.
They were small, no larger than a silver coin.
It was tedious work that always left my fingertips stained blue, but it helped clear my mind. A rhythm and routine to the action.
Some time passed before I felt him approach from behind, his arms circling my waist as his chin rested upon my shoulder, watching my work.
“Can I help?”
Head turning, my brow rose slightly. “You want to help peel these?”
“Put me to work, little menace.” His thumb circled upon my stomach. “My hands and time are yours.”
I flushed and reached for the bowl as his warmth left me, as he instead leaned against the desk and grabbed one of the berries.
His lips pursed, brows bunching in concentration as he tried to follow my actions.
Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take long for him to pick up the trick.
There didn’t seem to be much that Roan couldn’t do.
Late into the night we worked and he stayed true to his word.
He didn’t try anything, only showed a keen curiosity for potion making.
He asked a constant stream of questions as we worked, as though he truly wished to understand what it was that I did.
By the time the endurance potions were finished and we laid across the bed, the warming potions nearly done, our exhaustion was heavy in the air.
He didn’t make to leave, nor did I want him to as his arm pulled me into his side.
He made no move to kiss me, nor did his hand wander from where it traced patterns on my shoulder.
His breathing remained even and slow as he held me, as though he were at peace.
Almost like he was lavishing in the small intimate moment.
His heartbeat beneath my ear lulled me into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.