Thirty-Seven #2
The little girl gasps. “Is Vati coming here now? In the morning?”
An electric shock.
She called him “Vati.”
The girl twists around to look at her mother’s face. Hilda nods and stares down at the carpet. She squirms beneath my glare. She couldn’t know that I saw the three of them at the station that time.
“Yippee!” the child exclaims, then she turns to me and says, “Hello, I’m Sophie. Can you play cat’s cradle? I love cat’s cradle, but I’m not very good. I just learned it. Will you play with me? It’s fun.” She wriggles off her mother’s lap and runs to fetch some string. She returns, smiling broadly.
I shake my head. “Sorry. I don’t know how to play.”
“I can show you,” she cries brightly.
She stands right in front of me, waving the string in the air.
“I really don’t want to play,” I say firmly.
“Don’t bother Herta, Sophie,” Hilda says. “Not everyone wants to play games in the early morning. I’ll go and make some coffee,” she adds, disappearing into the kitchen.
Sophie begins to dance from foot to foot in front of me, waving the string like a flag.
“Shall we play something else if you don’t want to play cat’s cradle?” she asks.
“I don’t want to play anything, Sophie. Sorry.”
She frowns then skips to the other side of the room and puts the string on a bookshelf.
I watch her. This child, who has been a specter, an evil, mocking spirit in my head. Now the real thing is here, in the same room, talking with me, smiling, wanting to play a game. She has a name. Sophie. In any other circumstance, I might think her sweet. Charming even.
She’s your sister!
I don’t want a sister.
I need to plan exactly what to say to Vati when he arrives.
But this is all too much, and I can’t think properly.
Sophie is prattling away to herself. She holds a doll in one hand and a toy dog in the other, facilitating an imaginary conversation between them.
I try to see hints of me or Karl in her.
Perhaps there is a resemblance, about the eyes.
I look for signs of evil in her. But I can’t see the spirit that haunted me in this flesh-and-blood girl-child.
That was an invention of my imagination.
I suppose the child in front of me is as innocent of the faults of her parents as I am.
“No, no, you naughty doggy,” Sophie is saying, “if you run off again, I shall have to punish you and you shan’t be allowed to play with your friends in the park...”
She looks up and sees me watching her.
“Do you like doggies, Herta?” She smiles.
“I—”
The intercom buzzes loudly and we both jump at the noise. Hilda appears and looks at me with nervous eyes.
“Vati!” Sophie shouts with glee, tossing the doll and the dog to one side and running to the front door.
Hilda and I stand together, frozen, as Vati’s bulk fills the doorway. He stares at us wordlessly with wide eyes, while Sophie reaches up to him.
“Vati!” Sophie tugs at his hand. “This is Herta. She is very nice and I want to teach her to play cat’s cradle.”
I search Vati’s face for horror or rage or shame.
But there is nothing. His face is as blank as a sheet of paper.
He simply looks tired. And old.
H ILDA PUTS ON her hat and picks up her basket.
“Come along, Sophie. Let’s visit the baker’s. We can stop and feed the ducks on the way back, if we’re quick,” she tells a now neatly dressed Sophie.
Vati exchanges a look with Hilda as she passes. A private, intimate look. A chill runs down my spine. How they understand each other, these two. I never see Vati look at Mutti that way.
We are finally alone.
“How did you find me, Herta?” Vati asks as soon as the front door is shut. “How did you know?” He sinks onto the sofa and presses two fingers between his eyes. “Is this what you were looking for in my study?”
I remain standing, fighting the urge to physically hurt him. To assuage the rage creeping through my veins at the thought of how this happy little domestic setup with Hilda and Sophie would hurt poor Mutti if she were here now.
“I’ve known about this for a long time,” I tell him. “It was ages ago. I saw you once with Fr?ulein Müller and the little girl, Sophie. I saw... Well, I just knew.”
“Poor Herta.” He peers up at me. “That wasn’t the best way to find out.
I always intended to tell you, and Karl, of course, eventually.
When the time was right. I want you to have a relationship with your half sister.
And Hilda is expecting again. Nothing will replace Karl, but it will be good for you to have more siblings. ”
Karl is dead and Hilda is expecting again. You think that is good for me?
I fold my arms across my chest. Keep my distance. Keep the fire inside in check.
“Come,” he says, his voice weary. “Sit down.” He pats the cushion next to him.
I stay where I am.
“I need you to do something, Vati. For me.” My voice is tight. “Many arrests were made last night. Of Jewish people.”
“What of it?”
“Some friends of mine were arrested,” I say with a pounding heart. “I want you to help them. Walter Keller. Karl’s friend from... before, and his father and uncle are being transferred to Buchenwald. I want you to get them out.”
Vati stares at me.
“How on earth do you know...” His voice tails off. I can almost see his brain computing behind his eyes. “And just why would you want me to do that?” he asks, his tone acid.
“Because he used to be Karl’s friend. But mostly because he saved me, that time, from drowning. One good deed deserves another.” Finally, I smile at him.
Vati sits up straighter. Shuffles around to face me. He opens his mouth, closes it. Shakes his head. He seems to be struggling to put thoughts into words.
“I tolerated that boy hanging around our house far too long... Hélène was too soft...” He looks at me.
His face changes, a shadow of something.
“What does that boy mean to you?” His voice is low with warning.
“Karl tried to warn me. Now I understand.” He seems to drift off.
Shifts his gaze toward the window. He snaps it back to me.
“Ingrid. She told me she’d made an allegation to the Gestapo.
But then she withdrew it the next day. Said she was too afraid. .. Was that about you, and that boy?”
You sly snake, Ingrid.
“There was nothing between us,” I say firmly. “Karl, Ingrid, they got it wrong. But I bumped into him a few times, yes. And I went to tell him about Karl—”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
“Because they’d once been best friends. Because I thought he would want to know.”
“Of all the goddamn stupid, ignorant, dangerous things to do! You foolish girl!” All softness is gone. Vati jumps up, rigid with fury.
“I’m sorry...”
“You damn well will be, girl! Can you imagine if this gets out?” He begins to pace the room.
“My daughter, fraternizing with a Jew ? This is my reputation at stake!” He jabs his finger into his chest. “How could you be so stupid?” He quickens his pace.
“Pig-shit Jews. That boy has turned your head. I knew you had too much freedom. This was exactly what I was worried about. Let those vermin out?” He is clammy and gray.
His face scrunches up. “No chance. That boy can rot in hell.”
I force myself to breathe slowly, make sure I don’t say the words screaming inside my head. You’re wrong! You are the vermin, not them! How can you talk about human beings like this! I remember Walter’s warning. I must not reveal my true thoughts.
“He has a visa for England. If you let him free and arrange to take care of the exit tax, he’ll go. That family have nothing left. Their house burned down—”
Vati is pacing, shaking with anger. “Over my dead body.”
Everything is going wrong, slipping out of my control.
He stops near the window. Looks out at the block of flats on the other side of the road.
“You know that Ingrid’s leaving us soon,” he tells me, his tone suddenly calm and quiet.
“What?”
“Yes. She’s going after Christmas. With my blessing. She wants to do her bit for the Reich.”
“Why are we talking about Ingrid?”
“She’s going to a Lebensborn home. Do you know what that is?”
I shake my head. I have no wish to talk about the sow, Ingrid, although I’ll be glad to see the back of her.
“It’s a state-sponsored program for providing the Führer with Aryan children. The children will be raised with one sole intention. To fight Hitler’s war against the Jews.
“Ingrid has passed all the medical and family history tests to ensure she is pure of blood and has no inheritable diseases. She has proved herself to be of good character. She will be matched to an equally good specimen of an SS officer. Together they will make a baby and when he is born, she will hand him over to be raised as a child of the Führer, along with many others like him. She is doing a marvelous thing. Selfless, and for the good of our country. When she has finished, she of course will be welcome to come back and work for us again or get married. The choice is hers.”
My insides curdle. “Why are you telling me this?”
Vati takes a few steps toward me.
“Perhaps, Herta, we should consider enrolling you in the same program. Sadly, you don’t have the ideal hair color or stature, but perhaps they would make an exception for a daughter of mine.”
I swallow the bile that has risen into my mouth. “I’m too young. You can’t make me do this.”
He smiles at me. A thin smile, which doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Are you trying to frighten me, Vati?”
He doesn’t reply and I turn away. His words roll over in my mind, infuriating me.
His reputation.
“Why do you have Hilda and Sophie? Is Mutti not good enough? Am I not good enough?”
“Don’t be stupid, Herta. None of this is about you or Mutti.
I love your mother very, very much, and she can never, ever know about Hilda.
Her nerves couldn’t take it, especially after Karl.
.. But sometimes a man needs more. You are a young woman.
You couldn’t possibly understand. But we men, we have.
.. needs. Needs women just don’t have.”
You have no idea about my needs, you brute. Nor any other woman’s, seeing as you aren’t one.
“And Germany needs children,” he continues.
“Lots of them. It’s a man’s duty to produce as many as possible with good bloodlines.
It’s too late for Mutti, but Hilda is young.
Hopefully she will have many more children.
Lots of sons. I know it’s a shock for you, but one day, perhaps, you will understand. ”
I hold Vati’s gaze. “You’re right, Vati. Mutti would be devastated, destroyed , if she ever found out. But your secret is safe with me.”
He manages a weak smile.
“I promise you, I will not tell a soul about your mistress and other daughter if you arrange for Walter and his father and uncle to be released.”
“I’ve already said. That is out of the question.”
“Besides, if others were to find out, how would that look, against your Moral Crusade in the Leipziger ? It would look especially bad, wouldn’t it, if it were to come to light that your own daughter had sullied her blood with a Jew? Those false rumors could be stoked...”
Vati’s eyes drill into mine. Small and ice blue. Pale and wet. I won’t be bowed by them.
“You’re blackmailing me,” he says at last, his face reddening. “My own daughter. That Jew boy is something to you!”
How I long to tell him the truth, ache to see the shock and horror on his face.
“No.” I speak carefully, using every ounce of strength to keep my voice steady.
I cannot give away the turmoil inside. “He is engaged to be married to a girl in England. But it doesn’t matter what I say, does it?
If you plan to punish me and send me to this.
.. this Lebensborn place, then what choice do you leave me?
I have to protect myself . They won’t want someone with sullied blood.
And if that means telling Mutti, and the world, about you, as well as lying about myself, then I will. ”
“You know what they would do to you, Herta, hmm? If they think you have had relations with this boy? They will shave your head and parade you through town. They will lock you up, throw away the key. Is that what you want?”
“Of course not.” I grit my teeth and ball my fists. “But it wouldn’t do you much good either, would it, Vati? Especially when Mutti is so hopeful you will get a promotion. I’m asking just a small thing. Release them and arrange for the family to leave Germany. Then all this will be forgotten.”
Vati walks across the room, his eyes locking on mine. Beyond the pale gray of his irises, behind the pinprick black pupils, is that uncertainty? Fear? It’s definitely something. A weakness. Capitulation. I take a step closer.
“I will do nothing for the father and the uncle,” he says at last. “Without a visa, there can be no reason to release them. If I find a way to get the boy out...” His face creases in disgust. “ If I find a way, then you will keep your bloody mouth shut and never say a word about this, or Hilda or Sophie, to anyone, ever . Do you understand me?” he says viciously.
I unclench my fists. “You have my word, Vati.”
“And if I do get him out, you stay away from that Jew boy. Should you disobey me this time, Herta, I will not protect you; I will not support you. I will have nothing to do with you ever again. Besides”—he fixes me with a look of pure malice—“we will get them in the end, you know. We will get them all , in the end.”
I walk slowly and shakily down the stairs. As I leave the building, Hilda and Sophie are returning, holding hands as Sophie skips along beside her mother.
As I pass them, a sudden anger toward Hilda hits. “How can you bear it?” I say to her. The words tumble out before I can think about them. “How can you put up with sharing a man who belongs to another?”
She regards me with sad eyes. “I do not expect you to understand, or to forgive,” she says quietly. “But we love each other very much.”
And with that, she clutches more firmly to the little girl’s hand and walks up the steps to her apartment block with her head held high.