15. ANASTASIA
Chapter fifteen
T he chords of a guitar and the voice of the man I’d come to rely on as my mental savior gently woke me from sleep. Each time he visited, the damaged parts of my mind healed, growing stronger, helping me remember and accept that I was still alive.
I was determined to see him, to let him know I was awake. Summoning all my force of will, I squinted, peeling my sticky eyelashes apart. Piercing bright light slammed against my retinas, splitting my skull wide open. Instantly, I squeezed them shut. Pain and confusion swirled around like dark wraiths, poking and nudging at my mind, threatening to pull me back into the void I’d been so desperate to escape.
He stopped playing, and I heard the rustle of clothing. Was he standing? He must have noticed me open my eyes! If only there was something he could do to end this nightmare I was stuck in.
But no. After a moment of silence, the chair scraped against the floor. With a sigh, he started into a new song. He sang that he was not giving up on me, and his voice had such a commanding intensity that I knew he believed his words alone could break through the thickness in my brain and release me from my silent bonds. God, how I wanted them to.
As he had done during his other visits, he continued to play and sing until someone told him it was time to go. The chair softly creaked under his shifting weight when he stood. A muffled thud followed as he settled his guitar into its case, followed by the metallic clicks of the latches. And then he walked away, his footsteps shuffling across the floor. I couldn’t bear for him to leave.
I had no concept of time, and I had no idea what had landed me in such a predicament, but my instinct was to fight—to resurface and find answers.
Every inch of my body ached. Gravity seemed to press down three times harder than it should have. Oh my God, I had to break free.
Anger and frustration simmered deep in my core. The monitor keeping time to my heartbeat ratcheted up. The pounding in my skull sent a shock wave of pain cascading through every nerve. There was nothing left for me to do but scream.
I unleashed a shrieking sound unlike any that had ever come from me before. I squeezed my eyes tight, and my face contorted from all the emotions that had been bound and twisted inside me for however long I’d endured this ordeal. Unable to remain still a moment longer, I bolted upright, and the noise morphed into a wail that went on and on for what seemed like eons.
A gentle hand stroked the side of my arm. “Shh, you’re okay. Just take some slow, deep breaths for me.” I recognized the kind voice; it belonged to one of my nurses.
Gulping in a huge breath, I stopped screaming. Each inhale and exhale sounded loud in my ears. The nurse tried to guide me to lie back, but I fought her, keeping my eyes shut as I flailed around.
“How about I raise the head of your bed so you can rest upright for now?” she calmly suggested. The bed rattled, and soon the mattress rose to meet my back, allowing me to relax against it.
I swallowed hard and ever so cautiously peeked through my eyelashes, taking in my surroundings for the first time. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I slowly opened them to see a nurse with a kind, round face standing next to the bed. Another nurse stood in the doorway, syringe in hand, at the ready.
“See, you’re okay,” the kind nurse said. “You were in a car accident a while ago, but you’ve come a long way. Soon, we’ll have you up and about. For now, you have to try to stay still and allow yourself to adjust, to finish healing.” She checked some of the tubes attached to my arms. “Can you stay calm, or should I have Katie over there give you some medicine to help?”
“No!” I said, the word coming out in a rasp. “Please, no more meds.” The scratchiness of my voice surprised and irritated me.
She laid her hand on top of mine.
“Don’t touch me!” I shouted.
“Okay, no worries,” she said, turning and waving off the other nurse and taking a step back. “I’m sure you’re feeling very confused. My name is Emily. If you need me, just push this button.” She handed me a remote control that was attached to the side of the bed. “Sit here for a minute while I get you some water to sip on. We’re in no rush. I’ll be right here to help you and answer all your questions. ”
Emily quickly brought a cup of water with a straw. She advised that I go slow and only drink a little at a time. The cool liquid helped temper the flames in my throat. She told me to relax for a few minutes and maybe watch a little TV before the doctors came by to check on me. I thanked her but chose to sit in silence. I needed to gather my thoughts.
Shifting my hands to my lap, I stretched out my fingers. All present and functional, thank God. My eyes slid up my arms. Stuck in my wrist was…what was that thing called? Oh yeah, the word was IV . There were bruises too, an entire road map of them. Carefully, I raised my knees, sliding the bottoms of my feet along the smooth fabric beneath. I checked to see if I could wiggle my toes. Yes, they all seemed fine as well.
I was overwhelmed and groggy. My thoughts were disjointed, like I was physically having to push them uphill just to connect one with the next. I had so many questions. What happened? Where was I? What day was it? I glanced around for clues. Outside, the sun was low in the sky. It must be evening. Oh, wait, maybe the day was just dawning?
I didn’t know who I was or how I’d gotten here. I had so many questions. And each question demanded an answer, but I had none. Zero.
The walls seemed to close in around me. My breaths became quick and frantic. I knew I had better get it together. If I didn’t, they would come back with more drugs. My brain was bleary enough as it was. I didn’t want that to happen.
My chest tightened, each breath shallow and rapid, my pulse pounding in my ears. I gripped the edge of the bed, my knuckles turning white, trying to ground myself. Panic clawed at my mind, threatening to drag me under, and I fought desperately to stay in control, to not let the fear consume me.