CHAPTER FIVE
I’d hoped my shock sighting at the market on Wednesday would be a one-off.
I’d gone around afterwards feeling as if my stomach was being squeezed tight in an iron grip. When we left Brighton, it was my aim to put a physical distance between me and the place where it all happened. I’d hoped the memories would gradually fade and we could start a new life, Amelie and I.
I’d hated leaving my friends behind. We’d gone through university together and had stuck by each other through all of our joys and disappointments. But the alternative was staying and then having them find out I wasn’t the person they’d thought I was.
At first, it had been really hard, trying to start a whole new life without Mark.
But after meeting Ellie and Katja, and starting up the business selling at the market, I’d begun to think that maybe things would be all right after all.
I’d even managed to convince myself that spotting Clare at the market that day was just a one-off.
Maybe she’d been seeing her brother, who I knew lived in Surrey.
She’d probably just decided to visit the market while she was there.
She couldn’t have known that I was working there now.
And she hadn’t seen me, so it was fine. ..
But then a few days after Ellie came in to the café with little Isla, I was clearing tables during my second shift of the week when I happened to glance out of the window – and there she was again.
Clare.
She was walking across the green towards the café, in the company of an older woman who I recognised as her mother.
The idea of coming face to face with her again after all this time – in Sunnybrook, of all places! – rooted me to the spot for a moment.
What was she doing, coming to this particular café?
It was too much of a coincidence. Had she somehow found out I was working here?
But I instantly dismissed this idea. How could she have found out? Even Jackie – Mark’s twin and once my best friend – didn’t know where I was living and working now.
I still texted Jackie from time to time, although there was an underlying coolness in her replies and I realised I’d upset her by leaving Brighton so suddenly without talking to her first. I suppose I’d assumed she’d forgive me because I was a grieving widow.
.. that she’d understand it was something I just needed to do to for Amelie and myself.
But I should have considered her feelings as well.
Jackie had left Brighton on a long backpacking trip with her boyfriend soon after her brother’s funeral – at the time she told me that Mark’s diagnosis had made her realise life was too short to not do all the things you wanted to do.
So a couple of days after the funeral, Jackie flew off to Thailand.
They were planning a tour of the Far East and I was glad for her.
Mark was her twin and I knew how grief-stricken she was to have lost him.
We’d spent a lot of time together in that terrible period after Mark’s death and before the funeral, united in our pain at losing the man we both loved so much.
I knew Jackie needed to get away from Brighton and all the memories for a while.
She was going to Thailand in Mark’s memory.
I understood this. And I suppose I thought she would understand that I had to leave Brighton, too, for this same reason.
She sent me a few texts while she was away but I was in too much of a state back then to keep in contact with anyone, and by the time she returned to Brighton a few months later, I was already long gone and living in Surrey.
We’d been the best of friends for a long time and I’d missed her. But I still believed the action I’d taken had been best for everyone.
Jackie’s cool tone in replies to my occasional texts might just have been my imagination but I didn’t think so.
She hadn’t even asked for my new address, and I suppose I felt I deserved nothing less.
Apart from everything else, I’d parted her from the niece she adored.
I didn’t blame her at all for feeling hurt at our sudden departure.
But while I’d kept in loose contact with Jackie, I hadn’t spoken to Clare at all in the year since I’d moved away.
I’d always tried my best to be a good friend to Clare, putting up with her occasional prickliness towards me and making sure she didn’t feel left out of the group.
I was aware she probably resented my close friendship with Jackie.
Clare had been friends with Jackie long before I came along, and sometimes I felt a bit guilty that I’d somehow taken her best friend away from her.
I’d talked to Jackie about it a few times but she’d just smiled and said we weren’t in the playground now; Clare had always been a bit needy when it came to relationships and I certainly shouldn’t feel guilty because she and I were good friends.
But now here she was, about to walk into the café...
In those few seconds before the door opened, I had a brisk argument with myself.
Lately, I’d felt myself relaxing into my new life and I’d even begun to hope that the nightmare might be over... that the tormenting thoughts that had darkened my days and filled my restless nights after Mark’s death were finally starting to ease...
With Clare’s sudden appearance, all the old wounds felt raw again.
But it was time I confronted the past head-on and stopped hiding away... time I dealt with what had happened after the funeral, however painful it might be.
So I did what any logical, self-respecting person would do at the prospect of coming face to face with their worst nightmare.
I scuttled away and hid in the kitchen...
*****
From my hiding place behind the half-open kitchen door, I could make out little snatches of conversation.
Maddy was being polite and talking to them about the weather, and then they were murmuring over the menu, trying to decide what to order. Clare’s brittle, slightly self-conscious laugh carried through to where I was hiding, bringing back a raft of memories, both good and not so good.
I heard Maddy call that she’d bring the coffee over. Presumably they were finding a table now. I swallowed hard and placed my palms on my burning cheeks.
I should just go out there and say hello!
Taking a deep breath, I straightened my apron and was about to do just that when I thought I heard Clare say my name.
I froze.
So she had come here thinking she’d see me?
I could hear chairs being scraped back and then Maddy was chatting to them and I heard her mention the travelling cake van and the market at Lockley Meadow.
A wave of nausea gripped me. It sounded dramatic but I almost felt as if my lovely sanctuary was being invaded.
How long could I stay here, though, before Maddy wondered where on earth I was?
Panicking, I glanced around the kitchen. My eye fell on the Victoria sandwich cakes Katja had baked earlier. They would need to be filled with jam and cream.
We were out of double cream at the café, but I knew there’d be some in the fridge at the bakery next door, so I took the opportunity to nip out the back door to fetch it.
Then I lingered in the bakery, whipping the cream in the back room, so that I wouldn’t be there if Maddy popped in to the café kitchen to tell me a friend of mine was in the café.
When I got back, I concentrated on filling the cakes with the whipped cream and strawberry jam, and eventually Maddy appeared.
‘Oh, there you are.’ She smiled approvingly at the cakes.
‘I came looking for you earlier. I thought you must have gone out for your lunch break. Anyway, that’s brilliant.
Perfect timing. I’ve just sold the last slice of Victoria sandwich cake.
’ She picked up one of the cakes on its platter.
‘Can you come through and help me clear tables?’
‘Of course.’ My heart was in my mouth as I followed her out. But to my enormous relief, when I emerged into the café, Clare and her mother had gone.
‘Hey, guess what?’ Maddy placed the cake in the display case under the counter. ‘Someone from your Brighton days was just in here asking about you.’
‘Really?’
‘Clare?’
‘Oh, yes. Yes, we were friends at uni.’
‘Are you okay?’ She peered at me. ‘You didn’t mind me telling her you were working here, did you?’
‘No, no. It’s fine.’
‘It’s just you’ve gone a bit pale.’
I dredged up a smile. ‘Yes... I... ordered a takeaway last night and I don’t think it agreed with me.’ I pressed my stomach and made a face.
She looked surprised. ‘I wouldn’t have thought you’d need to buy food in. Not with all those fabulous dishes you cook every week for the market.’
I swallowed. ‘Well, I just fancied a bit of a change.’
She nodded. ‘If I’d known you were in the kitchen, I’d have come to get you when your friend and her mum appeared.’ She paused, studying me curiously. ‘Apparently she was in Sunnybrook a couple of weekends ago on her future sister-in-law’s hen do?’
‘Oh. Clare’s brother’s getting married?’
‘Apparently. So the girls booked the big Bedouin tent at Ellie’s glamping site for their stay, and they came in here for brunch and Clare saw the photos on the noticeboard.’
‘Photos?’
‘Yes. Of the travelling cake van?’
‘Oh, yes.’ Ellie had put up some photos taken at the market to illustrate a piece about the cake van and its route.
‘You’re in a few of them.’
‘Am I?’
I went over to look and sure enough, there I was.
.. smiling at Katja in one of them as she held up a tray of delicious-looking raspberry and white chocolate muffins.
I was wearing the apron I always wore behind my stall, so maybe Claire assumed I also worked at the café, doing the cake runs alongside Katja.
‘Her brother’s getting married at a hotel near here soon and she and her mum are here to help with some last-minute arrangements in advance of the big day. Clare brought her mum along here for a coffee hoping she might see you.’
‘Ah, right.’
‘She said to say hello to you. They both seemed... nice.’
I nodded. ‘They are. Nice. But we... well, we lost contact ages ago. Funny that Clare should suddenly turn up here, though.’ I gave a cheerful shrug. ‘Anyway, I’d better get these tables cleared.’
Turning away, just wanting to put an end to the subject, I could feel my emotions threatening to overwhelm me.
A cup and saucer rattled in my hand as I set it on the tray. Clare knew I was working here. If she was still in touch with the others, they would soon know, too.
I’d escaped her for now, but I had a horrible feeling the past was closing in...