CHAPTER NINE
It was Tuesday and I was in my sunny kitchen trying to concentrate on cooking up dishes for the market the following day. But a dark cloud was hanging over me.
Clare knew where I was working now. It had to have been her who sent me that horrible note.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.
A chill ran through me every time I thought of it.
What exactly did she think she knew?
Was she still around for the wedding? Or had she left by now?
Thoughts of the past were swamping me. I felt like I was sinking in quicksand, slowly suffocating, remembering those last few months of Mark’s life... the funeral... the all-consuming grief...
So when Katja called and asked me if I’d like to go over to Ellie’s later with her and Maddy and Fen, at first I made an excuse why I couldn’t, saying my usual babysitter was on holiday. The thought of having to be jolly and chatty made me feel exhausted just thinking about it.
‘Are you okay?’ Katja asked. ‘You sound a bit down.’
‘Oh, I’m fine. Really. I didn’t sleep terribly well last night and I’ve got all this food to cook for tomorrow.’
‘Of course. You’ll be elbow-deep in gorgeous spice dishes right now?’
I chuckled. ‘You’ve got it.’
‘Well, if you can manage to come, let me know. I could pick you up.’
‘Aw, thanks, Katja.’
‘We’re taking food over and some beauty treatments – face packs and stuff – so that Ellie can have a relaxing evening putting her feet up while we look after little Isla. It should be fun.’
I smiled. It did sound like fun.
Most of my socialisation these days involved chatting to other mothers at the school gates and taking Amelie to play centres and the local park. Going out with a group of friends for some grown-up chat would make a lovely change.
I went back to work feeling lighter after my chat with Katja. Cutting myself off from my old friendship group had taken its toll over the past year. But things were starting to change.
I was already thinking I’d like to join the girls at Ellie’s later. It was good to know that I now had friends I could confide in if I needed to, and possibly even trust with my darkest secrets.
Friends gave you the strength you needed when you were challenged in life...
My lovely next-door neighbour, Pauline, said she’d be delighted to babysit Amelie for a few hours that evening, and Amelie was delighted, too, when Pauline appeared with her favourite gingerbread men!
I invited Pauline to bring husband Nigel over and dine on their choice of the curries I’d made that day.
It felt strange but rather nice getting myself ready to go out for the evening. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done something like this.
I kissed Amelie and left the three having fun playing a ‘tumbling tower’ game on the kitchen table.
Amelie hardly noticed I was going which was just how I liked it.
I’d have worried if she’d cried and begged me not to go.
I’d thought that might happen after Mark died.
.. that she might cling to me, worried I might be going to leave her, too.
Her resilience had surprised me. My gorgeous daughter was growing up into an independent and confident child, and for that I was extremely grateful.