CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Driving home after dropping Maisie back at Bogg House, I stopped off in Sunnybrook village to pick up some milk.
But as I was coming out of the village store, who should be walking along the high street but Danny.
I’d been thinking about him a lot since he’d told me he’d always liked me. The feeling was mutual – except I’d obviously never been in love with him. But hearing Danny liked me that way had kind of made me start seeing him in a different light.
He’d always been ‘Mark’s lovely best mate’ in my mind. Nothing else.
But having met up with him again under these vastly different circumstances, I’d almost resolved on going to see him at the glamping site to talk some more.
My emotional chat with Ellie had actually softened the guilt I’d always felt over what happened between Danny and me.
Ellie had made me think that maybe it was time I forgave myself, so I could move on.
Otherwise, I might be stuck where I was forever. ..
But then Jackie had happened – that chilling and highly emotional encounter with her outside my house – and I’d instantly switched right back to feeling far too guilty to ever want to see Danny again.
But now, here he was, walking towards me.
He hadn’t seen me yet. I could just slip back into the shop and let him walk on by. But something inside me was making me stay rooted to the spot.
I was done with hiding away. I felt as if I’d been doing nothing else for the past year since I left Brighton. It was time I faced up to things – and people – no matter how scary it might feel.
Danny’s face broke into a smile as he caught sight of me.
‘Hey, you,’ he said, walking over. He was looking a little nervous as if he wasn’t sure how I was going to react on seeing him.
‘Hi, Danny. It’s good to see you. Listen, I’m really sorry about having to rush off the other day, when we were in the middle of talking.’
‘It’s okay.’
‘It was my friend, Ellie – well, my boss, actually – and she really needed help.’
‘Hey, it’s fine. Honestly. You had to do what you had to do.’ He gave me his familiar lopsided grin and I felt a funny little leap inside.
Ignoring the feeling, I rushed on: ‘I never realised it but Jackie has hated me ever since the day of Mark’s funeral. Did you know she came to my house that night and saw... us ... through the window?’
‘What?’ He frowned, looking as blindsided as I’d felt when I unmasked the intruder only to find it was Jackie. ‘She was there that night?’
I nodded. ‘She saw me kiss you and she’s been holding her hatred inside her all this time. She doesn’t blame you,’ I added quickly.
‘Well, she should. I’ve probably been feeling just as guilty about that night as you have.’
‘Have you?’
‘Of course. God, to sleep with your best friend’s wife on the day of his funeral? Who wouldn’t feel a weight of shame dragging them down?’
I nodded. ‘Exactly,’ I murmured with feeling.
‘But I suppose after a while I started seeing what happened in a different light – in a more logical way, without all the emotion surrounding the funeral – and I realised it could have happened to anyone. We weren’t to blame.
We were just two people trying to find a bit of solace in each other after a truly terrible time. ’
That’s exactly what Ellie had said.
‘But Jackie... I don’t think she’ll ever see it that way. She was so close to her brother and her anger still runs deep even now, a year later.’
‘So did she phone you and tell you all that?’ he asked. ‘Because she was nice as pie to you at the lunch.’
‘She said it was an act because she didn’t want to spoil the celebration.’ I wasn’t going to tell him about all the stuff she’d done to me in her anger. Danny didn’t have to know about that.
‘Ah. Well, look, I’ll talk to her. You two were best mates at one point. It would be great if you could get back to being friends, at least.’
‘It would. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.’
Looking into Danny’s warm green eyes, I felt a wave of sadness crashing over me.
Why did Mark have to die?
We’d been such good friends, the ‘Famous Five’, but since Mark had gone, everything had got so tangled up. Things would never be the same again...
But I wanted to be in Danny’s life. I really did. Standing there, it felt like a lightbulb moment. I wanted to be special to Danny, not just his friend, because he was beginning to feel special to me...
Seeing the tears prick at my eyes, he took a step towards me, and I felt the warmth of his hand on my shoulder.
Instinctively, I pulled away, although I could still feel the tingle left by his fingers grazing the skin on my bare arm.
Once again, I felt torn, as if I’d be betraying Mark in some way.
I shouldn’t really be feeling these things.
Danny’s eyes were filled with longing as he gazed at me. But I forced myself to look away, even though memories of our one night together were suddenly filling my head.
‘We can’t do this, Danny. We just can’t,’ I said in a small voice.
‘Who are you worried about? Jackie?’
‘No.’
‘Well, who, then?’ he asked me gently.
‘It’s Mark. I let him down. And I couldn’t live with myself if I continued letting him down by being with you.
Don’t you see?’ I looked up at him now, pleading with him to understand.
‘You were his best mate. How could it ever be right for us to be together? I just can’t do it to Mark. You and I can only ever be friends.’
He looked down, crestfallen, and I hated that I’d hurt him – all over again.
I wanted to reach up and kiss him to try and make it better somehow.
But instead, I forced myself to turn and walk away from him.