Chapter 2 Miller - This is me trying （a lot）
“It’s only gonna be another two weeks max. I promise.”
“You said the same thing two weeks ago, Ernie,” I say through gritted teeth into the phone.
“I know, but these things happen with repairs and renovations. I want it to be good as new for you and that little girl of yours. Just give me some time. Red’s okay with you staying at her place still, right?”
I stifle the urge to scream because Penelope is watching a movie only a few feet away in the living room of the apartment Red is letting us stay in above the cafe.
“That’s not the point, Ernie. Red’s place is supposed to be temporary.
I need to have Penelope back at home. She needs routine. She needs stability.”
I’ve said all of this multiple times to him over the course of the last however many weeks, and I don’t even know why I bother. It changes nothing. I hear my landlord, who really is trying his best, sigh on the other end of the call.
“I hear you, Miller. You’re a good dad trying to do right by your daughter, I respect the hell out of it. But it’s out of my hands. I wish I had better news.”
“Yeah, me, too.” I match Ernie’s sigh. “Well, keep me posted.”
He reassures me he’ll follow up as soon as he can, we say our goodbyes, and I pocket my phone, rather than chuck it across the room to smash it to pieces like I would prefer.
I keep my shit together. That’s what I’ve done since the day Penelope was born almost six years ago. That’s what I’ll continue to do to give my girl the very best life possible, every good opportunity I never got. I’m breaking generational curses and tossing out single teen dad stigmas.
It’s exhausting and hard and heavy until I look up and see her.
The dark curls and bright eyes, identical to my own.
The smile that’s missing a couple front teeth now.
The thick, long eyelashes. She knows if she bats them at me, I’ll cave on every silly request she throws my way.
When I hear her giggle, it sounds like a chorus of the happiest harmonies.
“Daddy, do you think we could go there someday?” Penelope asks, noticing I’m off the phone.
I don’t have to look at the TV screen to know where she’s asking me to take her. I can hear the familiar love song playing and immediately know the exact scene she’s referring to. It’s not the first time she’s asked and it won’t be the last. Kid is obsessed with a good happily ever after.
I make my way over to sit next to her on the small velvet couch. She's perched on the edge, hands cradling her face in awe as the animated canoe carries the lost princess and the charming thief through the water to watch the lanterns float up to the sky.
I don’t feed into the misogynistic bullshit that these movies are only for girls. I’m man enough to appreciate the magic in it all. So I wrap my arms around my princess and pull her onto my lap to say, “Not today—”
“But someday,” she finishes for me.
“You know it.” I kiss the top of her head. “But hey, it looks like we’re gonna be staying here a little bit longer. I’m sorry.”
She pops off my lap and turns to face me. “We get to keep staying at Red’s?!”
If Red Bozelli had a fan club, Penelope Caswell would be the founder and president. Where I find this situation to be unbearably uncomfortable, my girl thinks this is one giant party.
“Miss Red,” I remind her. “Just a little bit longer. I thought we’d be home before school started tomorrow but...”
“Who cares?!” Penelope jumps on the couch and starts bouncing around. “I can’t wait to tell her!”
“How about we politely ask on our way out? We need to finish up that school supply list.” I grab the remote off the coffee table and hit the power button to shut the TV off.
Penelope jumps off the couch and sprints over to the door that opens to the staircase that leads to the cafe below us. We almost never use the door to the right, which leads right out to the back lot where our car is parked. We can’t miss an opportunity to see Miss Red, now can we?
She quickly shoves her little feet into her favorite jelly shoes and turns to me with an impatient look on her face. “Well? Are you ready?” she asks.
I shake my head and laugh as I get up from the couch and find my own pair of shoes next to the door. “Yeah, Miss Impatient, I am.”
That’s all the permission Penelope needs to practically dive down the stairs. She no longer feels the need to wait until I get to the bottom landing to throw the door open and make a beeline for Red behind the counter.
“Red, Red, Red! Daddy needs to talk to you!”
I’m shutting the door that leads upstairs behind me when I see Red look up from her phone. Penelope immediately has her full attention. She crouches down into a squat to get eye level with her.
“Eh, Daddy can wait. I’d rather talk to you.” Red grabs Penelope and squishes her into a hug. Penelope’s laughter trills through the shop, one of my favorite sounds in the world.
I feel a shiver go down my entire spine. I can’t have this woman continuing to call me daddy.
“Good morning,” I greet Red, pretending she has no effect on me, like I always do.
Without letting Penelope go, her eyes meet mine. The dark smudges under them haven’t left or lightened in over a week. “Hi.”
What would I give to get more than one or two word responses out of Red? Just about anything.
But she’s going through a lot right now, and I can’t help but recognize my daughter and me squatting in her apartment might be adding to that already extremely full plate of hers.
“You got a minute?” I ask.
“Sure.” She releases Penelope and pats her lightly on the back. “I set aside a french toast bagel for you, if you’re hungry.” Red gestures to the kids table over in the corner that has basically become Penelope’s second home this summer.
“Heck yeah!” Penelope high fives Red and dashes over.
“I have some bad news,” I start.
Red faces me with a look of concern. “What’s wrong?”
“I just got off the phone with my landlord. He’s saying it’ll be another two weeks, at least. I’m sorry, we should have been out of your hair sooner. I understand if we need to—”
“That’s it?” she interrupts.
I lean against the counter. “I can’t guarantee it’ll only be the two weeks so it’s no problem, I’ll get us packed up and out—”
“No,” she places her hand on my bicep. “I meant…that’s all that’s wrong? You need to stay longer?”
I try to not jump at the physical contact.
Normally Red is trying to put an ocean’s worth of distance between us.
I switched my deodorant and cologne thinking she thought I smelled bad.
Then when I realized that wasn’t it, I stayed firmly away.
She has boundaries, and I don’t want to cross them.
She deals with her piece of shit ex-husband plowing through every single one of them enough.
I sigh. “Yeah. And again, I’m really sorry. Say the word, and we’re out.”
“It’s not a problem, Miller. I’ve told you that a bunch of times. Stay as long as you need. Hell, just stay, period. I really don’t mind.”
Her eyes go wide as if she realized what kind of statement just came out of her mouth. I’m sure mine do the same.
A strand of hair falls in front of her face. It takes every ounce of self control in my body to not reach out and tuck it behind her ear. Her hand leaves my arm, and she swipes the hair away before I can change my mind.
Boundaries, Miller.
“No, no. Absolutely not. I promise as soon as Ernie gives me the go ahead, your apartment will be wholly yours again.”
I don’t miss the quick drop of her mask. I haven’t figured out all of the triggers, and I don’t think she knows that I know, but the sadness is there. It’s a familiar loneliness I clocked early on because it matches my own. The world only gets glimpses into Red’s real emotions.
“My offer stands, okay?”
“Noted and appreciated.” I wink at her, and she offers me a small smile, a fucking gold medal in my world.
“So, what do you two cool kids have going on today? Is she excited for the big day tomorrow?”
I’m caught off guard by Red trying to continue the conversation longer than it needs to go. Normally, she’s cutting me off and bolting, and I’m stuck trying to chase her down. Sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally.
But then I remember she’s probably trying to do everything in her power to keep her mind distracted while waiting for the news of Katie St. James’s baby’s paternity results.
It’s been a couple of days since we all found out Katie gave birth and allegedly doesn’t have a clue who the father is between my sister’s boyfriend, Sawyer, and Red’s douchebag ex, Dean.
Sawyer was Katie’s ex-boyfriend who she was cheating on with Dean. Apparently for years. I don’t know, it’s fucking messy. Small towns are weird.
“She’s pumped. I wish I loved school as much as she does. We have a couple more things to grab from the supply list. I don’t remember first grade needing so much shit.”
Then again, it’s not like I have the best idea of what you might need for the first grade. And even if I did, my parents never contributed. My dad straight up refused and my mom…she didn’t have the energy.
“Do you need help with any of it? Margot should be here any minute, and I’m always down for a good Target trip.”
I again practice the art of pretending to not be shocked by her new found comfortability around me. “Help? Shopping? With Penelope? And me? You know I’d be there, right?”
Red rolls her eyes. “Yes, I assumed you’d be there. Come on, you’re acting like I avoid you like the plague or something.”
“You do.” Margot’s voice causes both of us to turn, and I see my sister walk through the doorway from the back.
Well, at least Margot said it and not me.
“I do not,” Red quips. Margot and I both level her with a look that tells her she’s full of shit.
“You two aren’t allowed to gang up on me. It’s not fair. You’re like the fucking twins from The Shining. Anyway, Margot, nice of you to join us.”
“I’m not even late,” my sister counters.
“That’s beside the point.”
“It’s quite literally not…”
I stop whatever ridiculous back and forth is about to go down between these two. Red, because she knows she’s being weird. And Margot, because she never wants to be wrong. Ever.
“Alright, Red, let’s go.” I reach out and grab Red’s hand, lacing my fingers through hers, and fight through the electric shock that jolts up my arm and through my entire fucking body.
I try to convince myself it’s completely one-sided when I watch Red’s lips part slightly.
I try to suppress every hopeful thought in my head when she doesn’t immediately let go.
Her hand is so soft, and I have to forget how it feels when she tightens her grip.
I completely ignore Margot’s jaw unhinging from the rest of her head as I guide Red and me around the counter to scoop Penelope on our way out.
The only thing I don’t let myself skip over is how Red drops my hand as soon as Penelope sees us walking over.
I’m not hurt by it. I appreciate her recognizing a line that needs to be drawn.
I remind myself that while I might have once naively dreamed of a life with an actual partner, someone to share it all with, that’s not how my cards played out.