Chapter 33 Gwen - Playing house
“Wicked witch incoming,” Margot warns me. I lift my head up from the paperwork I’m trudging through to hear the jingle of the bell on the door and see Katie St. James and Holly Montag waltz into the cafe.
My cafe.
Of course today of all days we don’t lock the door after closing.
“What the fuck?” I whisper.
I’ve been back in Merrymount for a little over a week and besides needing to distract myself from how things went down with my parents, it’s felt right to be home.
Miller, P, and I finished up winter break holed up in the bungalow with visits from the newly engaged Margot and Sawyer and letting Ladybug get a lay of the land in a new, much larger space than he was used to in the apartment.
We rang in the new year with take out and Penelope declaring she’d make it to the ball drop. She was snoring in between us on the couch by ten. It was perfect.
Miller and I decided it was best to not rock the boat too much in terms of our living situation so we did end up moving the party back to the apartment the night before school started back up.
The last thing we wanted to do was disrupt Penelope’s routine before any of us were ready.
We’ve tackled it all as a team. I’m proud of us.
So of course we’re taking three steps forward and now two steps back with some petty, catty mean girl drama to shake things up.
Katie’s carrying her son in his car seat, but Holly’s demon spawn is nowhere to be found. They both have smiles on their faces that signal to me that they’re up to no good. Because why would they be?
“Can I help you?” Margot asks, putting in very minimal effort to appear cordial.
“We’re simply paying a visit to our local coffee shop,” Holly says.
I exercise even less of an attempt at hospitality, “We’re closed.”
Completely ignoring me, Katie directs her demon eyes to Margot’s left hand. “I hear you have my ring. Congrats,” she hisses, placing the car seat on the counter.
The comment rolls right off of Margot. As it should, seeing as that ring was never Katie’s, and we all know Sawyer only has eyes for Margot.
She adds insult to injury by raising her hand to inspect the ring.
“Hmm, funny. I don’t remember hearing about him proposing to you.
I do remember when he asked me though. It’s like, the cutest story. Do you wanna hear it?”
Katie’s eyes narrow. “No.”
“Shame,” Margot exhales with an antagonizing smile. God, I love her.
I glance down at the baby and get a look at him up close for the first time since our one shitty interaction in front of Mrs. Johnson’s house. He’s sleeping peacefully, all cozy with a blanket draped over him. Poor dude has no idea how much his parents suck.
“This is embarrassing, even for you,” I interject.
“Oh, you want to talk about embarrassing?” Holly adds. “When are you going to give up the little mommy act?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Margot snaps.
“Red here parades around town with a kid that’s not hers, playing house with her fake family. She’ll never know what it takes to be a real mother.” Holly turns her head to me, “He’ll get bored, you know. Just like Dean did. Maybe you should have gotten knocked up like—”
“Shut up,” I say with a shaky voice. Shit.
“It’s nothing you haven’t had to try to convince yourself isn’t true. But it is, Red. We see right through the act. You think you can replace what you lost.”
It’s not true, at least not all of it. I didn’t lose anything, I took out the fucking trash when I kicked Dean out of my life. My life with Miller and Penelope isn’t even comparable. But fuck if every other word wasn’t a kill shot.
“Oh my God, I’m done with this. Eat shit and get out,” Margot barks.
“But what about our coffee?” Katie asks in a sickly sweet voice.
“I said we’re closed,” I repeat through clenched teeth. I’m not doing this with them.
Katie lifts the car seat up and chuckles with Holly. “That’s a shame. God, Red. You used to be more fun than this. Where’s that feisty bitch we all used to know? I guess things really do change. Well, it’s been a treat!”
Margot follows them out, locking the door behind them and flipping them off. “Would you fire me if I keyed their cars?”
I try to laugh, but nothing comes out. Margot’s by my side in a second. “Hey, everything they said was bullshit, you know that.”
“Do I?” My eyes are starting to water, and I know I have mere seconds before the floodgates burst and I’m openly sobbing.
“Yes. You do. Don’t do this, Red. Don’t go backwards.” Margot rubs my arm, trying to comfort me.
“What if he does get bored though? Or he realizes playing pretend isn’t worth it?
What if one day I wake up and it’s all taken away from me?
We keep circling each other and then shutting down any conversation of a future together.
I told myself I wouldn’t put myself in this kind of position again.
I love him, Margot.” Great. Now I’m crying.
“I love Penelope and our fluffy cat, and I want more babies. I want to be a wife and a mom who hosts birthday parties and campouts in the backyard. I daydream about getting railed in the laundry room, for crying out loud! Domestic shit, Margot! And I’m too chicken shit to risk anything for it. ”
“Marge, do you mind giving us a minute?” a soft voice comes from the back. A voice I’d recognize anywhere now. I try to swipe at my eyes as fast as I can before Miller walks over with his hands in his front pockets. He’s wearing that dark green hoodie of his I’ve been sleeping in most nights.
“Sure thing, lil bro.” Margot squeezes Miller’s arm before hugging me as tight as she can. She grabs her tote from under the counter and lets me know she’ll be at home when I need her.
When I hear the back door click shut I face Miller. “How much of that did you hear?” I breathe.
“Do you want me to lie, or can I say every word?” He pulls me into his chest.
“We don’t lie,” I mumble.
I feel his lips on the top of my head. “You’re absolutely fucking right. Now, let’s talk about it.”
“What do you mean?” This feels dangerous.
“I’m ready to lay it all out there, Gwen. I’m done with the back and forth, the doubt, and letting our pasts control us. Let me just—let me just say what I need to say, okay?” He holds me at arm’s length to level with me. I can feel him shaking.
Definitely dangerous. I give him a shallow nod.
“I need you, Gwen. But it's the same way I think you need me.” I’m frozen in place, hanging on to every word.
“More than that, I want you. I want your crazy hair, sticking up in all different directions in the morning. I want to see you having a dance party with Penelope when I know it’s time for bed, but the extra five minutes of you two doing your thing is more important.
I want every inch of you that you’re willing to give me because I love you. ”
“But—”
“No. Keep listening. It's you, Gwendolyn. I love you–the person, my person–not what you can offer. There’s no hidden agenda or favor I’m about to ask. My days—my whole fucking life—are better because of your presence in it, and I want to make sure it stays that way.”
Some variation of an I love you leaves my mouth in between the stream of tears falling down my face. No one has ever made me feel more seen in my fucking life.
Miller keeps going, clearly not finished with his declarations.
“You could never make me a cup of coffee again. I’d be fine with seeing you ditch this entire business, town, and life if that’s what your heart wanted.
I’d follow you anywhere, as long as there’s room for Penelope and Ladybug in the backseat.
The only thing I can’t do when it comes to you, is walk away when I know that we both know this is it for us. ”
“I don’t want to confuse Penelope…”
“What does that even mean, Gwen?” He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “You think you’re not a real mother because you didn’t birth her? I know you don’t believe that. Tell me you don’t believe that.”
“I don’t.”
“Then don’t hide behind that excuse. I’m just asking you to love us as much as we love you. I swear it’ll always be the only thing I ask of you.”
“The easiest thing I’ve ever done is love you. Both of you. All of you, actually. If we count the cat.” I shrug. “I have all of this ugly self-doubt, and I don’t know where to put it. I never remember being so unsure of myself. It’s killing me, Miller.”
“I believe in you, and this enough for the both of us. At some point I’ll need you to catch up, but I can carry it for now.” He’s offering me the world and taking nothing in return. Because that’s Miller.
I throw my arms around his shoulders and cling to him like a spider monkey. He holds me tight, just like he always does. “Gwen…” he says apprehensively. I feel myself stiffen. “I want you to take the weekend.”
“What?” I pull back. Not to sound like the world’s biggest clinger, but we haven’t spent a night apart in weeks.
“I don’t want you to agree to all of this right now and then run away and hide later,” he admits.
Ouch. “You’re a planner, Gwen. Plan it all out for me: the house, the kids, the life we could have together.
If you can’t see us rocking on a front porch together in fifty years…
well, then we need to have some sort of conversation about it.
Because I can picture it all clear as day.
I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’ve got nothing but time when it comes to you.
I’ve told you that. I just want you to be sure. ”
Fresh tears sting the corners of my eyes. He kisses me deeply, promising me everything I’ve ever wanted with no words needed.
The only thing standing in the way of it all is myself.