Episode Thirteen
I wake to the sound of my own screams, my body covered in sweat. It doesn’t happen that often anymore, but they still come occasionally. The nightmares. A pair of strong arms wraps around me.
James. My husband. My safe place. I sink into his embrace, letting the tears fall freely. He’s the only one I allow to see this side of me. He’s the only person I let myself be vulnerable with.
It’s being here, back in New York, that’s brought the nightmares back. It’s why I avoid coming to the city. But when my sister called and told me Neo needed our help, I didn’t hesitate to jump on a Valentino jet and fly back to the one place I’ve been trying to run from since the day my brother rescued me.
“Shhh, I’ve got you. I’m right here. You’re safe,” James whispers into my ear, his hand running through the length of my hair.
“I’m sorry.” I hiccup through my sobs. I hate this. I hate that after all this time, those monsters still have a hold on me. It’s as if I’m free but there are still chains around my ankle. And every time I make it so far out of the nightmare, I’m yanked right back in.
Two steps forward, one step back. The pattern just keeps repeating itself.
“Lola, you have nothing to be sorry about.” James holds me tighter.
There have been times over the years that I’ve questioned my husband’s sanity. He willingly stands by my side. His undying devotion to me can be unnerving, and there are instances where I don’t feel like I deserve his love. He could have had a normal life. A wife, children, a white picket fence. But he chose me and my demons.
“It’s just being back here.” I pull out of his arms and wipe at my face, trying to focus on my breathing.
“I know,” James tells me. “Say the word and we can leave. You don’t need to be here. You don’t have to put yourself through this. Your brother wouldn’t want you to.”
“He won’t know. I have to be here. Neo has always been there for me. I’m not going to flake out the one time he needs me.”
“Okay.” James kisses the top of my head. “I’m going to make tea.”
I watch as he walks out of the bedroom. I don’t believe in God, but if I did, I would put everything on James being one of his angels.
I pick up my phone, find my sister’s number, and press dial. It’s early, but I know she’ll be awake.
“Hey, Lola. You good?” Helena answers.
“I’m okay. Are you in the city yet?” I ask her.
“Yeah, I’m at Neo’s place. You?”
“We’re here. How is he?”
“He’s… in denial.” Helena sighs.
“Well, we’re all here to keep things real for him, right?” I say.
“Right. What time are you getting here? I can’t handle his old cranky ass on my own,” my sister groans.
“We’ll be there after breakfast. I’ll help with whatever I can. How’s Angelica?”
“She’s ready to put a bullet between our brother’s eyes.”
“He’s that bad?” I gasp.
“Terrible. He’s acting like he’s on his last breath. Angelica said he’s made arrangements for his funeral and written his own eulogy.”
“He’s turning seventy. It’s not like he’s about to go down anytime soon. Unless there’s something he’s not telling us?” I suggest.
“Nah, he’s just old and carrying on about how he’s not going to be around to protect us.”
James walks back into the room with a cup of tea in his hands.
“Helena, I gotta go. I’ll see you soon. Just remind Neo he has a granddaughter of dating age. That should snap him out of his death’s door funk real quick.” I laugh.
“Will do. Love you, Lola. I’m really glad you’re here,” my sister says.
“Me too.” I press the red button to end the call and set the phone down. “Thank you.” I smile up at my husband as he passes me the cup.
“Your brother overreacting?”
“Helena says he’s acting like this party is his wake and not his birthday.” I giggle. I shouldn’t. I know Neo has serious concerns about when the time comes for the devil to come knocking at his door . His words, not mine. I get it. He’s been taking care of everyone forever. He can’t help but want to make sure we’re all okay if something were to happen to him.
“He’ll be fine. It happens to all of us when we hit a certain age. Death starts creeping up on us.”
“Do you worry about it?” I ask James.
“I worry about dying before you, because I don’t want to leave you here alone. And I worry about dying after you, because I don’t want to live a single day without you.” He leans in and kisses my lips ever so softly.
“Mmm,” I moan.
“What about you?” James questions.
“I’m not afraid of dying. I think it’ll be peaceful. I think that when we die, it all just stops,” I say, and instantly regret it when I see the concerned look on my husband’s face. “I don’t have any intentions of dying, James. You don’t need to worry. I just don’t think it’s something we need to fear. It’s the living that’s the scary part.”
“Maybe,” he says, but I know he’s going to be keeping a hawk’s eye on me after that discussion. I’ve made two attempts on my own life since he’s known me. It’s been a really long time though, and I don’t have any thoughts of harming myself right now.
It’s almost lunchtime when we finally pull into Neo’s estate. The place is locked down tight. Security everywhere. Then again, when the Don of the Donatello Organization is hosting a party with the world’s top underworld leaders in attendance, security is a must.
My brother took over the Donatello family from his father-in-law. His wife, Angelica, could have easily done the job herself, if it weren’t for Italians and their old school ways. They won’t name a woman as boss, even if she’s the one who calls most of the shots anyway.
“Remember, we can leave at any time,” James says, squeezing my hand.
“I’m okay. I’m excited to see everyone,” I tell him, and I am. I love my family. It took a while to build up the relationships we have now. I had a lot of healing to go through, and I had to let go of the anger I was holding against them.
I was angry for so long. Angry that they didn’t find me sooner. Angry that I had to endure years of torture right under their noses. And I was angry at myself for not leaving, for not saving myself.
It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been here. Walking into my brother’s house still amazes me. It has to be one of the most beautiful homes I’ve ever seen. He has his wife to thank for that, though.
“Oh, thank god you’re here, Zia Lola.” My niece rushes up to me.
“Why, what’s wrong?” I ask Izzy.
“Papa is in his office. Go and find out for yourself.” She rolls her eyes. “I can’t take it anymore.”
“Okay, I’ll go see him,” I tell her. “Are the kids here?” I have a very close bond with my niece. It’s because of her that I was rescued. I risked everything to make sure she didn’t end up like me.
“They’re all hiding from their grandfather,” she huffs.
“Got it.” I nod and look to my husband.
“Zio James, come with me. I’ll get you a drink. You’re going to need it.” Izzy takes his arm and drags him farther into the house while I turn towards my brother’s office. The door is closed so I bring my fist up and knock twice.
“I’m busy,” my brother’s voice yells back at me.
“Neo, it’s me, Lola. Can I come in?” I ask him.
The door is ripped open and then my brother is standing on the other side. “Lola, I didn’t know you were coming? Are you okay?” he asks, looking me up and down like he always does.
“Better than you, it seems.” I smile at him. “Can I come in?”
“You don’t need an invitation. Come on.” Neo steps out of the way and I walk into his office. The floor is scattered with photo albums, various pictures of the family—a lot of Izzy and her children—all just lying there.
“Been going down memory lane?” I lift a questioning brow.
“I want to recall every moment while I still can,” Neo says.
“You do know you’re fit and healthy. You’re not going anywhere just yet,” I remind him.
“I’m seventy, Lola. Fucking seventy,” he grunts while running a hand through his now-graying hair.
“Well, you’re still my big brother and I still need you, so don’t go wilting away just yet.” I wrap my arms around him.
Neo returns my embrace, his lips pressing to the top of my head. “I’m never leaving you, Lola. Promise. I just… I don’t know how to make sure everyone will be okay without me here.”
“If anything were to happen to you, we would all be heartbroken. Obviously. But we would be okay, Neo. Angelica is the strongest woman I know. And Izzy? You taught her how to be her own savior. She also has her husband. And me and Helena. We’re not alone. It would suck losing you. But we will all help each other.”
“I might not be dying tonight but someone will be,” Neo grunts.
I take a step back and glare at him. “Who?”
“Mabilia is bringing a boyfriend to the party. Can you believe some punk-ass kid has the nerve to turn up here with my granddaughter?” he growls.
I don’t even know what to say to that. Instead, I just smile. “You can’t keep them little forever. They all grow up eventually.”
“Do you ever regret it?”
“What?”
“Not having children of your own?” he asks.
I didn’t have a choice. The choice to have children was taken from me. I know I could have adopted, gotten a surrogate or something. But I didn’t want to be responsible for keeping a child safe. There is too much darkness lurking in this world. I wasn’t going to raise an innocent child amongst that darkness.
I shake my head. “I don’t. I’m happy it’s just me and James.”