Chapter Seventeen
Emilie
I watched Selene work in utter fascination. She was so sure of herself, so confident. She reached for vials and measured by sight alone, stirring until her brew thickened to the right consistency.
“What is this one for?” I asked. I enjoyed joining her during my spare time and had seen her craft several healing concoctions, but this one was new to me. It was a deep shade of red that shimmered in the light.
Selene pulled out her notebook and turned to a page near the middle, handing it to me so I could read.
It was clear this was the remedy she had been working on, though she hadn’t needed the recipe.
She knew it from memory alone. I read over the ingredients and the instructions and at the bottom saw a handwritten note: For blood replenishment.
I nodded in understanding. We had used most of our stores after the battle with Murvort, so it made sense Selene would be working to restock them.
She had fallen right into place in Renoa. The other healers loved her and her vast knowledge of potions and magical remedies. She seemed happy, and it was a splendid sight. It was well-deserved after everything she’d been through.
She still couldn’t tell me much about her life before becoming Reyna’s prisoner. Who knew whether her memories would ever come back or if they were lost to trauma? But at least she had a future now.
There was a knock on the door, and we both turned to find a castle guard. “Sorry to interrupt. Miss Emilie, the king is looking for you.”
My brows rose. It had been three days since he had awoken and three days since we had spoken.
I hoped it wasn’t too obvious that I was avoiding him.
I carefully chose times to visit when I knew he would be surrounded by others and found a reason to leave before we could be alone together.
But I could only put off the inevitable for so long.
“He’s in his room, my lady,” the guard said, then turned to leave.
I closed the notebook and tapped my fingers on the spine nervously. If he was waiting for me in his room, then surely he was alone. There would be no way to avoid him now. Was I ready for this?
Selene grabbed my hands, and I looked up at her as she squeezed. She placed one hand over her heart and then cupped my cheek. It was a comforting gesture, and though she spoke no words, I knew what she was saying.
Everything will be all right.
I handed her notebook back and steeled myself. “I will see you later.”
She nodded, and I waved goodbye, forcing my feet to make their way to Cyrus’s chambers.
When I arrived, his door was slightly ajar. I knocked before letting myself inside. “Cyrus?”
His room was tidy—almost too tidy. But of course, it hadn’t been lived in for a month.
I walked farther inside, and my mind was flooded with memories of the last time I had stepped foot in his room. I had been so young and na?ve then. Convinced that I could force myself to fall in love before the world so cruelly reminded me that nothing was ever that easy.
Rain pattered against the windows, and I moved closer to the fireplace, studying the trinkets on the mantle. Miniature carvings and a jewelry box that was old enough that it had to have been passed down through generations.
“Emilie,” Cyrus said from behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. He chuckled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I spun and watched as he folded an article of clothing and placed it on the arm of his chaise.
He was casually handsome in a loose pair of slacks and an untucked shirt.
His hair was wet, like he’d just stepped out of the shower, and his beard was freshly trimmed.
He looked much healthier than he had when he first woke up.
He came closer, and I instinctively took a step back, almost knocking over a small pile of firewood. He hesitated. “It feels like it’s been so long. First with Murvort and then my poisoning. It’s almost like we’re starting over, isn’t it?”
A smile took over his face, and he offered his hand to me.
Tears stung my eyes. I hadn’t expected everything to fall apart so quickly.
I thought I could at least entertain whatever conversation he had planned for us.
Maybe help him get settled back into his room.
I thought I could pretend that everything was fine for more than fifteen minutes, but I was wrong.
My guilt came crashing down on me, and I couldn’t keep it together.
“Hey, hey,” he said, pulling me to sit beside him on one of his plush couches. Gods, he was fucking comforting me when I had betrayed him. The fact that he was such a gentleman with a big heart made this harder than I ever could’ve imagined.
“Stop,” I cried. “I don’t deserve your kindness.”
He looked at me with complete bewilderment. “Why would you say that?”
I bit my bottom lip to keep it from trembling.
My eyes wandered the room, looking anywhere but him.
There was no better time than the present, but I didn’t think I could be brave unless I avoided his gaze.
So I looked down at my hands twisting in my lap and took a deep breath, getting control over my emotions.
“I can’t marry you,” I said quietly.
Silence fell over the room, and for a moment I wondered if he had heard me. I dared to look up at him, and he looked even more confused than before. He started to speak and stopped on multiple occasions, searching for his response.
I saved him the effort. “A lot has happened in the past few months. I think… I think I need time to heal. I’m still…
” I trailed off. Dealing with nightmares?
Relying on his brother to fight them off?
I couldn’t say any of that, of course. “My life hasn’t been my own, and although I haven’t been happy about it, I’ve also never pushed back.
I think my time in captivity made me realize that I deserve to have a say in my future. I’m so sorry, Cyrus.”
“Are you certain? If you want to slow things down… I know we hardly got to know one another before everything happened, but I meant what I said about trying to make you happy if you’ll give me the chance.” He gave me a half-hearted smile. “You could do worse than me, you know?”
“I know,” I said with a crack in my voice. “That’s what makes this so hard. You are a good man. I may not know you that well, but I know that much. Any woman would be lucky to have you.”
He nodded slowly. “You might change your mind…”
Those words, and the hope in his eyes, crushed whatever bit of strength I had left.
I shook my head. My heart only yearned for one Castelli, and he wasn’t the one sitting before me. “I’m so sorry,” I said again. It didn’t feel like there was anything else I could say.
Ladon wanted to be the one to tell Cyrus about us, and I wouldn’t take that from him. It would be better for him to hear it from Ladon anyway. I was a fleeting moment in Cyrus’s lifetime, but his brother…
Family meant everything to them, and if the news came from anyone else, it would cause irreparable damage.
My tears spilled over, and before I knew it, Cyrus was leaning in to wrap me in his arms. It wasn’t the embrace I yearned for, but I allowed it anyway. It was the least I could do.
When he let go, I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I should go.”
Cyrus stood and led me to the door. Before I slipped out of his room, he grabbed my hand.
He dropped it quickly, then cleared his throat.
“Everything will be okay, Emilie. I can’t imagine what you and Ladon have been through, but I can see how strong you are.
You’re going to make it. And if you ever need someone to talk to, just know that I’m here. ”
I did my best to mask the involuntary effect that hearing Ladon’s name had on my body. The flush that spread across my chest and the chills that ran down my spine. I held my breath, wondering if he had noticed.
Once the door closed, I finally exhaled. My feet moved before my brain could catch up. I had to get out of the castle, to breathe and leave it all behind.
I walked briskly through the corridors and out into the gardens.
Rain was still falling, but I didn’t care.
It soaked my hair and my pale purple dress, and then I was running.
I made it down to the beach and kicked my shoes off.
Bundling the hem of my dress in one hand and gripping my flats in the other, I sprinted across the sand.
When I passed a fishing boat, the sailors shot me curious glances. I couldn’t imagine how I must look… the king’s betrothed—former betrothed, although they didn’t know that—running through the rain in an elegant summer dress. They probably thought I'd gone mad. Maybe I had.
Their stares only drove me to run faster.
When my lungs and feet could go no farther, I collapsed in the sand. Shallow waves washed over my lower half as I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, burying my head as I sobbed.
There was nowhere I could run where my demons wouldn’t catch me. They were always with me—in the eyes of strangers, the lingering glances from Sophia and Selene, and the dark memories that infiltrated my dreams.
I was lost, and I didn’t know how to pull myself out of this misery. Maybe I could drift away with the waves. Would they bring me peace, or just pull me under?
The rain was coming down so hard that I didn’t hear the approaching footsteps. I only noticed a pair of feet through the gap between my elbow and knee.
Reluctantly, I raised my head to see Ladon towering above me, two vertical lines prominent between his brows.
“What are you doing here, Emilie?”
“How did you know I was here?”
“I saw you scurrying through the gardens from my window. You’re a mess.” It wasn’t judgmental. Merely a fact. My hair was plastered to my head, and my dress was stained with sand and salt water.
My head dropped back to my knees. “I know.”
“Get up.”
“I don’t think I can.”
Couldn’t he see I was completely drained? I had nothing left to give. My will to keep going had dissipated, washed away with the rain.
Ladon ignored me, bending down to scoop me up in his arms.
“What are you doing?” I demanded, throwing my hands around his neck.
He said nothing as he waded deeper into the water. The turbulent waves rushed over my belly and up to my chest, and I scrambled, attempting to climb out of his arms. He held me tighter while I fought to catch my breath. The water was much colder than I had expected, and I shivered.
Mercifully, he rearranged our bodies so my chest was pressed to his. I wrapped my legs around his waist, my skirt riding up under the water. He rubbed my back, and my teeth slowly stopped chattering.
“Why did you do that?” I asked. There was no space left between us, but I tried to inch closer. I was so cold, but his body was so warm.
“For a minute, it looked like you were giving up.” Anger flickered in Ladon’s eyes. “After everything we’ve been through, you’re not allowed to give up.”
My body slumped, and I let my forehead rest against his. “I’m so tired.”
“I know, princess. But I can’t live without you. So, I need you to keep going. If not for yourself, then do it for me.”
Rivulets of water streamed down his face, and I couldn’t tell if it was rain or tears. His eyes were a mesmerizing shade of silver in the storm, and they drew me in until our lips collided. I could taste the saltwater on his lips, and when his tongue slid past mine, I squeezed him tighter.
“I will. For you, I will.”