Chapter 11 #5
The question was ridiculous. Rudderkin wouldn’t let me go until I was dead. He’d told me as much on a daily basis. There was no point even considering it.
“Rem and I would like to travel the Expanse. Go out west and explore the great ruins. He’s always been fascinated with that dusty old shite. Can’t say I share his enthusiasm, but it does my heart good to see him happy about something.”
“You’d go with him?” I asked, though I wasn’t sure why I cared.
“Of course. He’s my mate. I would follow him to the ends of the earth. Even to the boring old ruins of cities no one knows the names of.”
I frowned into the embers of the dying fire.
“I take it you don’t have a mate back at camp?”
A snorted laugh was my answer.
“How long have you been a part of Rudderkin’s crew?”
“Eleven years,” I answered.
Marcus nodded. “That explains it, then.”
“Explains what?”
“Why you can’t stand the sight of us. You’ve been in the fight longer than not. Seen too much blood and not enough of the world.” He motioned down to his mate. “This kind of thing would be hard for you.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Am I wrong?” Marcus asked with a grin.
“I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“Aye, you don’t. But I think you might owe yourself one soon enough.”
I closed my eyes, trying to escape Marcus’s piercing gaze. “Why would I? Having a partner makes you weak. Rudderkin shouldn’t even allow it in the ranks.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Azrael. There’s no one stronger than someone who fights for the one they love.
Rudderkin knows that. He may be ruthless, but he’s not dumb.
If he sends Rem and me out on a mission, he knows that I’ll do everything I can to ensure Rem comes back in one piece.
And that means I’ll destroy anyone who comes after us. ”
“You sure he’d do the same for you?” I asked, opening my eyes to find him staring down at his sleeping partner.
“I bet my life on it every day, Azrael. I hope that you’ll get to experience what a joy it is one day.”
Memories of a boy with curly bronze hair flashed in my mind, and I shut my eyes, leaning back till my back collided with the soft earth.
The crackle of the fire quieted, the wind ceasing at once.
“You’ve been alone for a long time.”
The voice was soft, and it washed over me like a sheet of moonlight, causing gooseflesh to spread along my exposed skin. The memory of Marcus and Rem sank back into my mind, though I could not shake the image of them lying by the fireside.
“I’m good at being alone,” I answered the dark.
“And yet you are miserable.”
I pondered that.
“Yes.”
“You don’t have to be. There is another way. A better way. I can show you.”
I wanted to believe them. To know that there was a world possible where this hollow ache in my chest could be filled. Where I would be the one with a partner’s head in my lap, stroking their hair.
I wanted it more than I cared to admit.
“How?”
The voice didn’t answer. When I opened my eyes, I was immediately blinded by a bright blue sky overhead, the night having dissolved into midday. White tents lay ahead of me, lined in familiar rows.
Rudderkin’s camp was the same no matter what corner of the Expanse he’d marched us to.
My body moved before I knew what was happening, angling itself towards the tent at the center of camp.
The mission had been a failure. I’d lost the target, and now I’d have to suffer the wrath of my mentor. I could only hope his mood fared as well as the weather.
“Leave us,” the gruff man’s voice commanded as I entered the tent.
I stepped out of the way as half a dozen advisers shuffled out of the space without a word.
Rudderkin stayed where he was, watching me from his seat at the war table.
I may have grown in my years with him, but even seated, Rudderkin was eye-level with me.
He had a special skill at making you feel small.
“The mission was a failure,” I said, bowing my head and locking eyes on the ground by my feet. “I lost the target over the hills of Serda. I accept full responsibility.”
“Come here.”
Rudderkin didn’t need magic to suffuse his commands like the Adored. The malice in his words was enough to stir me. I moved to Rudderkin’s side, keeping my gaze trained on the ground. This close to him, I could smell the wine on his breath and the stench of sweat on his skin.
“You disappoint me, Azrael.”
“I know. I won’t fail you again.”
Pain radiated up my arm as he seized it, dragging me in close so his dank breath came hot across my ear. “Did you hesitate again? Is that how they escaped you? How many times must I teach you this lesson, child?”
“No, it wasn’t that. I swear it—”
The blow across my jaw scattered my words to the wind. Rudderkin’s strong grip kept me upright, even as the force of his strike caused me to stagger.
“Perhaps your usefulness has run its course, then. A soldier who cannot execute his orders is no soldier. And if you are not a soldier, then what are you?”
I didn’t answer.