Chapter 21
Chapter
Twenty-One
LIAM
Zephyr is a fucking beast in bed, and I have a feeling he’s holding back. Over the last few weeks, he’s fucked me every which way, but he loves to come down my throat. Every inch of my body aches because of him.
I think Matty is enjoying seeing me come undone.
More often than not, I find that he and Darwin are watching Zephyr turn me into his cum slut with every passing encounter.
They’re not lying when they continually say it’s the hottest thing they’ve ever seen.
They repeat it every time, and I can see it in their eyes that they mean every word.
Still, Zephyr doesn’t like me. I think Darwin might be warming up a little, but there’s still a whole lot of dislike that comes off Zephyr in waves every time he looks at me.
Which is the absolute polar opposite of how he looks at Matty.
I’m watching my fiancé fall in love with two men right before my eyes, and honestly, I feel like I should be jealous, yet all I feel is gratitude.
It crossed my mind that perhaps I enjoy watching him fall in love, and the way they treat him like the most precious thing they’ve ever had in their hands, because I agree with their assessment of me.
Zephyr is right. I’m a piece of shit for what I did to Matty. What I continued to do to Matty. I’m not even here for a selfless reason. I needed to be with Matty again. I needed to hold him again and tell him how sorry I am, how much I love him, and will continue to love him.
I’m here for myself. Not for Matty.
It never occurred to me that keeping him in his room underground was detrimental. I’m so fucking stupid that I didn’t realize that. It’s obvious in hindsight. Which is just one of many reasons I’m realizing that they’re going to love him better.
They’re better for him. If Matty wants to get rid of me, I wouldn’t blame him at all. They’ve treated him better since the moment he stepped upstairs to tell them that someone uninvited was on the island.
I’ll never walk away from Matty, but if he comes to me one day and tells me he wants to be with someone else who hasn’t fucked up his life, I won’t begrudge him that.
It’ll break me. I won’t recover. But I’ll encourage him and support him and never give him a hard time because I know I stole two and a half years from his life that he’ll never get back.
I forced him to murder someone, and when he couldn’t, he had to watch me do it.
He’ll never forget watching me beg for his life.
He’ll never escape the ghosts that never let him forget.
Knowing all this, I’m not entirely convinced that I’m supporting Matty’s new budding relationships out of self-punishment.
Or even self-sacrifice. It’s strange, but I think I genuinely feel happy for him when he smiles.
When he sighs in contentment with them. It doesn’t feel forced by something inside me. It’s strangely… sincere.
I stop in the kitchen with the empty glasses pressed between my arm and ribs and set them on the counter. Opening the dishwasher, I pause when I hear a distant thwack. I look around, but the kitchen is empty.
I haven’t doubted the existence of ghosts in a very fucking long time.
I’ve seen firsthand the way they torment Matty.
They’re real even if I haven’t seen or heard them before.
As I strain my ears, keeping especially still so I don’t miss another noise, I wonder if now is the time that I’m going to see one.
Thwack.
My heart jumps as my eyes swivel in my head, looking for anything at all. I straighten up slowly and swallow the lump in my throat. Is one going to make themselves known to me?
Seconds pass. Thwack.
What is that? I look around the kitchen more logically now.
It’s not a ghost. I’m relatively confident of that.
When the noise comes again, I think that maybe it’s outside?
Is that why it sounds like it’s coming from nowhere?
If it were someone not supposed to be here, I’d expect Matty to have told us by now.
I wander to the windows and peer around until I see what’s causing the noise. Someone is outside chopping wood, which I find very odd since there are mountains of wood for the fireplaces. Especially since we’re using less than a handful. We’re not trying to heat the entire castle.
It’s Darwin. I know it’s Darwin because of his body shape as well as the glasses he’s wearing. But why is he alone? I left the three of them in bed together this morning to give them some time by themselves.
I turn back and take care of the glasses we used last night while continuing to hear the thwack of Darwin chopping wood.
Curiosity gets the better of me, and I head toward the door to bundle up in thick outdoor gear to join him.
It’s the least I can do. It’s not like I’ve done a damn thing since I’ve been here.
He doesn’t appear to see me approach until I’m right there, just after his axe falls through the piece of wood he’s chopping.
Now that I’m close, it’s not trees that he’s dismembering.
They’re planks that he’s cutting into smaller pieces.
I see what is unmistakably the skeleton of a small boat off to the side.
He gives me a smile. Not a genuine smile. A societally expected smile in greeting.
“You get tired of lounging in bed?” I ask.
He raises one shoulder. “We have three boats to discard. My gut tells me we’ll likely accumulate more, so best to make room.”
“You think they’ll be back?” I ask as I watch him grab another piece and lay it across the stump. “Even though four have now come and not returned?”
Darwin raises his hands over his head and brings the axe down with a surprising amount of force. It slams through the plank easily, splitting it just where he intended it to be split. I note it would probably be quicker if he had power tools out. Maybe he’s more comfortable with an axe.
“Yes, they’ve proven to be stupid thus far.”
“Even with the body hanging in warning?”
“We took the body down this morning. Didn’t want to attract too many carrion creatures and call attention from shore.”
“Ah.” I watch him split another piece and toss it in a different pile than he’d placed the last set. “Where’s Matty?”
“He and Zeph went back inside. Matty was getting cold, so they’re snuggling up in front of the fire, warming up however Matty desires.” He gives me an amused look.
I wait for jealousy, or maybe some possessiveness, but it doesn’t come. “You decided not to join them,” I note, shivering as a cold wind whips around the side of the castle.
Darwin doesn’t answer for a minute as he brings his axe through another plank.
“No. Whatever we’re doing, I think individual bonds are equally important to build as group bonds are.
As reluctant as Zeph might be to truly get involved, he’s from a polyamorous household, so I’m quietly watching the way he’s behaving regarding the four of us without calling attention to the fact that I am. ”
“He thinks we need individual time together?” I ask as I move around the side and pick up a plank for him.
He chops the one he has and tosses the pieces aside while I lay another one down for him.
“Not verbally, but yes. He’s been naturally splitting us up sometimes, so when he said Matty needed to go in, I sent them in while I finish this second boat.”
We get through a few more planks in silence before I ask, “Is he still reluctant?”
“Yes and no. When we force a conversation, he is. I think it’s fear more than anything. Otherwise, he appears to be moving forward, full steam ahead.”
I’m not entirely sure why that settles me. “Good.”
The axe comes down with a loud thwack. “Good?” he asks, meeting my eyes briefly. “You’re handling this change incredibly well.”
“You think I don’t agree with your opinion of me, but I wish you’d trust me when I tell you that my opinion of myself is far worse,” I say as evenly as I can while placing another plank on the stump.
Darwin doesn’t move to chop it, and I meet his eyes. He’s watching me. “You think so?” he asks.
That one question tells me just how little they think of me, and yet, I guarantee it’s not as little as I think of myself. “Yes.”
His frown is a surprise. He still doesn’t make a move to continue, so I gesture for the axe. Darwin hands it over.
“Any finished wood goes in that pile. Unfinished over here.” He points between the two piles.
“Why?”
“I’m not sure if it’s poisonous to burn the finish and say what you will about Chokecherry, but no one finishes a boat like they do. I don’t know what they use, but they glisten like they’re covered in gold. I’m not sure we should be breathing that in.”
“Fair enough. What’s the plan for it?”
“I’m going to dump it into a pit and let the island swallow it.”
I nod. Good idea. Adjusting my stance, I bring the axe back and use my momentum to bring the axe down. Not only does it not go through the plank, but I don’t hit it anywhere near where I intended to. I snort.
“Been a while since you’ve chopped wood, huh?” Darwin asks, amused.
“A while. Never. Same difference,” I say and adjust the plank on the stump to try again. This time, I hit it where I intended, but not correctly. I think the axe rolls and cranks my wrist. I shake my hand out.
“Give me the axe, Liam.” Darwin takes it back from me, chuckling. “Just go back to putting planks on the stump if you’re staying out here.”
I continue to shake out my hand as I watch him cut through the mangled plank that had been mocking me in a single, smooth stroke. I glare. “Is this like a pickle jar where I can say I loosened it for you?”
He snorts. “No.”
I replace the plank after he tosses the pieces away.
We work in silence for several minutes before he rests the axe on top of the stump and looks at me. “I believe you regret your choices, but I don’t understand why you still forced this on him and then left him here alone as often as you did for as long as you did.”
Sighing, I close my eyes. “Did you know my parents are part of No Face?”
Darwin shakes his head. “I didn’t.”
“Both of my parents. And before them, my grandparents. They’re part of the group that resurrected No Face. My parents and grandparents share everything with their partners. Everything. No secrets. Nothing big; nothing small. I always respected that. I wanted that.”
“So you tried to replicate it with Matty.”
“Yeah. I thought, just one target and then he’d never have to do anything ever again.
Just like my parents and grandparents before them, still alive but inactive.
But he’d know. There’d be no secrets. I refused to see that he didn’t have it in him to take someone’s life.
In hindsight, all the signs were there, but I wanted this so badly. I wanted to share everything with him.”
“Why do you leave him here alone?”
I shake my head. “Punishment. I don’t deserve him.
I fucked up. People use those words a lot, and it’s usually something stupid like…
they told a stupid lie or whatever. But I literally fucked up his life.
I fucked up his mental health. I did that to the person I love more than anything in this world.
All for selfish reasons. I’m not even here for him right now.
I’m here because I couldn’t stand to be away from him anymore.
I hate living without him. It’s not worth getting out of bed most days when he’s not there to wake up next to. ”
“But you’re not here with him because you fucked up his life,” Darwin says, frowning.
I nod. “Yeah.”
He sighs, shaking his head. “Man, I wish you could hear how convoluted that is.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. As much as you think you’re punishing yourself, you’re punishing him far more by fucking abandoning him, Liam.”
I flinch.
“You know, I want to hate you with every fiber of my being, but I just feel sorry for you. I believe that you’re miserable.
I can see it. Especially now, when there’s no one here to wear a facade for, you don’t bother.
I see how much you hate yourself. But you need to stop thinking about yourself and think about Matty.
Forget how much you hate yourself. Forget about punishing yourself.
Forget about your fucking misery. Make Matty your fucking priority and fix this situation. ”
“How?” I ask. “How do I fix it?”
“First, stop treating him like he’s broken.
He’s not broken. He’s haunted. Locking him away in the basement is doing far more damage to his mental state than anything else.
You needed to be his fucking voice—fuck everyone else’s comfort and demand he not stay locked away where no one else has to witness his breakdowns. ”
“You’re right.”
Darwin shakes his head. “I don’t know how to fix it.
I have a feeling we don’t have to have a plan.
Zeph will break him out. That doesn’t change my words, Liam.
This isn’t about you anymore. It shouldn’t have been from the beginning.
It is and always was about Matty. Forget your shit; it doesn’t matter. ”
I smile because it weirdly feels like he just shoved a whole lot of weight off my shoulders. “Thanks,” I murmur.
“Thanks? For telling you that you’re a piece of shit?”
“No. That I knew. For telling me to get my shit together. I needed to hear it.”
Darwin studies me and then nods. “Sure.”
“I know you didn’t do this for me at all, but thank you for seeing Matty as no one else does.”
He scowls. “I’m about to kick a whole lot of people in the teeth when they get back here for discarding him.
Which is hypocritical of me because two months ago, I was one of those people.
We all owe him an apology. We owe him a lot more.
It’s not just you who failed him, Liam. We all failed Matty. We have a lot to make up for.”
I’m not sure I agree that anyone else is to blame except me, but I nod all the same. It’s time to make this shit right. It’s time to give Matty the world.