Chapter 18 #3
“You stupid son of a bitch,” Sean said, his voice falling low and dangerous levels.
“You don’t understand love at all. I love that woman, and I love that boy as if he were my own.
And at this point, he is my own because I’ve been a father to him when he needed one.
But because I love that woman with all my heart, I’m still gonna be pissed off at the man who hurt her.
Even if his stupid-ass decisions ended up benefitting me.
That’s what love is, Vin. That’s something you know nothing about. ”
Vin’s jaw clenched tight, and his fingers curled into a fist. He wanted to lash out at Sean, wanted to strike him across the mouth and make him bleed for saying these things. He was so mind-numbingly angry at the accusations that his entire body shook with the unconditional rage of a man wronged.
And just like that, realization blossomed in Vin’s mind, and his anger dissipated, fading away into one all-consuming truth.
He wasn’t angry at Sean. He wasn’t angry at what he was saying.
He was angry because the things Sean was saying were God’s honest truth.
He was angry because he was finally hearing out loud the things that his subconscious whispered into his mind night in and night out.
He wasn’t angry at Sean. He was angry at himself.
He hated himself, even. He hated his mind and how it worked.
He hated his stubbornness and his inability to ask the people he loved for help.
He hated his pigheaded need to fix everything on his own, even when the problem fell well outside his area of expertise.
PTSD was an issue that plagued soldiers all over the world. It hurt abuse victims and trauma survivors, and he somehow believed that he could overcome it through sheer willpower. It was arrogant and stubborn and cold and selfish of him, and it had hurt the woman he had loved.
The woman he still loved, he realized.
In the heat of battle, when the panic brought on by his condition had set in, he had been able to overcome it by focusing on the love he carried for Deb and Jimmy.
That told him one thing above all else. It had been a mistake to push them away.
It had been a mistake to bury his feelings and hide from everyone.
While he lay at night experiencing horrific nightmares, pain flare-ups from his injuries, and flashbacks to battlefields long since conquered, he could have been seeking comfort in his family.
He could have let the people who loved him show him that love.
He could have gone to therapy, sought professional help, and perhaps even relied on medication to ease the mental anguish.
But he had done none of that. He had retreated and sheltered alone, content to deal with his issues in the stupidest way possible.
And because of that, he had lost everything. His wife was now another man’s wife. His child would grow up calling another man Daddy. And there was no one to blame for this, no great villain he could curse the name of and vow revenge against.
Vin was the author of his own misery.
As he realized this, his anger fully vanished into the air and was replaced by a deep and inescapable sadness. It must have registered on his face because Sean’s hardened expression eased off just the slightest bit.
Vin swallowed his sorrow and nodded slowly, looking down. He was unable to meet Sean’s gaze anymore. He had nothing to say or do to defend himself. Sean had spoken the truth, and while it hurt like hell, it was something Vin had needed to hear.
He opened his mouth to respond, to tell Sean he was right and that everything he had said made sudden sense.
But no sound came out. Vin wasn’t sure if it were some leftover bit of machismo and pride that kept him from answering or whether the crushing realization of how he had successfully torpedoed his own happiness was closing off his throat.
Sean was breathing hard, clearly bracing for some kind of response. But Vin had nothing. Sean’s words had done what the bullets of hundreds of enemy combatants had been unable to do—rip through his body and leave him utterly powerless.
Vin nodded. It was the only thing he felt able to do at the moment. Then, without a word, he simply turned and walked from the tent out into the night air. Sean was only a few paces behind him, exiting the tent as well, with a powerful silence filling the space between them.
Once Vin had arrived outside, he could see Chainz and his men had taken control of the camp fully. Enemy soldiers were kneeling in groups with their hands atop their heads. Chain Gang members paced back and forth around them like trained predators waiting for a feeding order.
Vin knew Chainz wasn’t going to spare these men and women. They would end up executed just the same as the general and his sentries had been. It was only a matter of how long the criminal leader wanted to savor his great win.
“Vin,” Sean said, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Vin turned to look at his former friend, still silent as the grave.
“Listen, the fight is won, and we need to find Deb and Jimmy. But first, I need to talk with you over there for a second.” Sean pointed toward the far end of the camp, and Vin had no idea what there was left to say.
He shrugged, still feeling defeated in the wake of Sean’s accusations and truths, ready to follow wherever he needed to go.
“Sean,” the unmistakable voice of Chainz called out over the bustle of the captured camp.
Both Vin and Sean looked over to see the crime lord standing among his men in celebration. “I need a word with you, boy.”
Sean grunted in frustration and gave Vin an apologetic look. “Give me a minute,” he said, turning and walking toward this criminal boss he was now somehow indebted to.
Vin nodded and watched Sean go. At first, he was content to stand there and wait while Chainz rattled off whatever he needed to say. Then, suddenly, Vin remembered that Deb and Jimmy were still imprisoned somewhere in this camp.
Sean was right. He had done very little for them since walking out of their lives. The least he could offer them now was to free them from captivity as quickly as possible.
Vin took off into the camp, weaving around groups of captured remnant soldiers and the Chain Gang members who guarded them. He vaguely remembered where the prison area of the camp was located from the maps on Chainz’s desk.
He weaved through the various factions, past the tents, and into an area of the camp that seemed far less populated.
It made sense to Vin that Chainz would be herding the soldiers into one area of the camp.
There was obviously an execution order coming, and it would be a lot easier to gun them all down in one group than to coordinate those duties over space.
Vin hated himself a bit for rationalizing murder so callously, but it was the reality of the situation, and there was nothing he could do to stop it at the moment. He had his own goals to focus on, his own reason for being here amidst all the carnage and bloodshed.
Vin shook his head as he considered how greatly this situation had spun out of control. He hadn’t assumed this undertaking would be easy. He was expecting a struggle. But he also believed he would just be meeting up with Deb, Jimmy, and Sean and helping to ensure their safe passage out of the city.
However, the remnant had moved so quickly, establishing martial law far faster than he had imagined. Deb being arrested was another major issue, as was this horrifying pact with Chainz. What had once seemed difficult but manageable had turned into a tumultuous nightmare.
Still though, with the help of his unlikely allies, Vin had arrived at this moment, where he would hopefully find Deb and Jimmy and see them safely out of the city.
Once they were safely back on the ranch, Vin could disappear again, back to his bunker to figure out what life looked like for himself going forward.
Remaining on the ranch with them didn’t seem like a good idea. Sean had all but replaced him in their lives, and he was okay with that. He was a good man. He’d be a good role model for Jimmy, and he was clearly a loving and present partner for Deb.
Vin kept telling himself that he was good with this.
Truly, he was. But in his heart of hearts, he felt a pang of loss, a hole that needed to be filled with the love and joy that comes from a family.
That hole had likely been there for a long time, but he hadn’t truly understood what it meant until Sean’s words, coupled with the desperate struggle to save his family, had ignited that feeling of guilt and longing within him.
The sight of a large fenced-in structure drew Vin’s attention away from his dark and lonely thoughts. Within the steel grating, he could see figures huddled together like cattle at a slaughterhouse. It made his stomach turn to imagine Deb and Jimmy trapped somewhere in that horror of humanity.
He rushed forward and looked in at the faces of the captured civilians, who looked out at him with a mixture of hope and fear. “It’s all right,” he said, tipping his hat to them as he approached the locked door that led into the pen. “I’m here to help.”
The looks of relief on the faces of the captured residents of Phoenix could almost be felt in the air. Many of them rushed forward toward the door, calling out to Vin as their desperate fingers gripped the steel mesh.
Vin scanned the crowd for Deb, but it was a sea of humanity, and it was impossible to pick her out of the group. He started to worry for the first time that she wasn’t actually here. What if that soldier had lied? What if she had been shipped off somewhere else and all of this had been for nothing?