Chapter 29 Knox
KNOX
Feeling Monroe’s hands around my waist as we rode out of Redding made me feel secure.
This woman I’d somehow fallen in love with was about to meet the only other women in my life that meant anything to me.
And for some reason, I figured she was gonna be upset.
Up until this point, Canyon had been nothing but my sister.
A force out in nature Monroe was aware of, but not present with.
But I wasn’t sure how she was gonna handle the truth.
The wind whipped through my hair and Monroe grabbed on tighter. The empty roads blanketed with the dark sky cheered us on with the stars that twinkled above our heads. The great red mountains were nothing but shadowed sketches against the horizon as we flew down the deserted roads.
The roads that connected Redding with Anderson.
I was prepared for the worst. Prepared for Monroe to throw her hands in the air and walk away.
And I couldn’t be able to blame her if she did.
This was a part of my life I kept out of the way for very good reasons.
This was a part of my life I didn’t trust with anyone except those I held close.
And even though someone was spewing my life to people-- even though there was a rat in our midst-- if Monroe was serious about making things work she’d have to know.
She’d have to meet Canyon and be a part of her life.
The ride was long and it gave me time to think.
About Monroe and the guys. The Black Saddles and Blaze.
Everything Everly had told us and why Rex wanted to pin it on me.
They could blame it on a turf war all they fucking wanted, but this wasn’t about territory.
About boundaries and who owned what. This was more personal.
Someone willing to kill one of their own and blame it on a rival gang had something personal invested in the matter.
The question was, what was so fuckin’ personal for Rex?
We passed signs for Anderson and I heard Monroe gasp behind me. She thought she had an idea of what was happening. But the truth was, she had no idea. We rode through the sleepy town, takin’ sharp turns that made her arms tighten against me.
I’d never get used to that feeling. That feeling of Monroe clinging to me.
It made me feel alive. Strong. It reminded me of the protector I needed to be for those I had come to love.
It reminded me of all the things that could happen to Monroe if her bosses found out about our relationship.
I knew they were in the dark. I knew Rose and Bradley had no idea what was going on.
Those two toed the lines, but never crossed them.
I knew our relationship could cost Monroe her career.
We pulled into my mother’s house and I felt her arms relax around me. One day, I’d have to take this woman on a trip. A cross-country trip where she wrapped her arms tightly around me through all forty-eight continental states. Fucked in a hotel in every major city in this country.
I shook the thought from my head as I helped her off the back of my bike.
“Knox, are you sure about this?” Monroe asked.
“Do you trust me?” I asked.
“Fully and completely.”
“Then come on.”
I led her up to the porch and let myself in. My mother’s house smelled the same as it always did. Apples and cinnamon, with a hint of lemon cleaning product. I drew in a long pull of the smell as I shut the door behind us, then I heard the pitter patter of those little feet.
I would always recognize the sound of her coming.
“Daddy!?”
I crouched down and opened my arms as Canyon came running into them.
My mother came around the corner and smiled, her eyes traveling to the woman beside me.
I picked my daughter up and swung her around, taking in how her hair billowed around her head as we moved.
She covered my face in kisses and I held her close, wishing with all my might I could risk seeing her more than I did.
“Knox, what in the world are you doing here?” my mother asked.
“Can’t a man stop by to see his mother every now and again?” I asked.
I reached out for my mother and I pulled her in. Canyon wrapped one of her arms around her neck and we shared a massive hug. For a moment, I forgot Monroe was there. I forgot she was standing in the corner, slowly putting the pieces together.
Slowly making sense of the lie I’d told her all this time.
“Who’s she?” Canyon asked.
I turned my head and took in the shocked look on Monroe’s face. Her eyes were bouncing between Canyon and I, probably trying to take in everything. I set my daughter down on her feet and went to Monroe and I expected her to back up.
But instead, she met me halfway as her eyes connected with mine.
“She looks so much like you,” Monroe said.
“I’m sorry. But I didn’t feel it was important-”
Monroe held up her hand before she crouched down to my daughter. The two of them were eye level with one another and I watched Monroe hold out her hand. Canyon took it and shook it with a fury before throwing her arms around Monroe’s neck, and I poised myself to scrape my daughter off her.
But instead, Monroe hugged her and smiled.
“You’re very pretty,” Canyon said.
“Not as pretty as you are,” Monroe said. “I’m Monroe.”
“I’m Canyon. And that’s my grandma, Lola.”
“Miss Lola, it’s very nice to meet you,” Monroe said.
“Nice to meet you, too. Sorry if I seem a little shocked, but Knox has never brought a girl home before.”
“Never?” Monroe asked.
“Nope,” my mother said.
“Do you like coloring?” Canyon asked.
“Depends. When’s your bedtime?” Monroe asked.
“A little later tonight. And I’ll deal with the fallout, Momma,” I said.
Canyon took Monroe’s hand and dragged her into the kitchen. I looked over at my mother and I saw the smile growing across her cheeks. We followed them into the kitchen and sat down at the table, and my mother started preparing cups of coffee for all of us.
“I like coloring princesses. But sometimes I like animals, too. Like bears,” Canyon said.
“Is that your favorite animal?” Monroe asked.
“Nope. My favorite are horses. I wanna ride one someday.”
“I used to ride them all the time when I was your age,” Monroe said.
“You did?” I asked.
“Mhm. There was a ranch up the road and I was friends with the son of the man who owned it. As long as I helped muck out the stalls, they didn’t charge me anything to ride.”
“What is ‘muck’?” Canyon asked.
“It’s when you shovel horse poop out of a stall,” my mother said.
“That sounds really gross,” Canyon said.
“No grosser than cleaning up after yourself,” Monroe said.
“Grandma, could I have some juice?” Canyon asked.
“Here, you guys sit. I can get it,” Monroe said.
“No, no, no. You’re a guest. Now after this visit you won’t be. But for now, you’re my guest. Sit,” my mother said.
I looked over and watched and Monroe and Canyon colored on the same page.
The way my daughter looked up at Monroe was the way a daughter should look up at her mother.
I held my coffee mug in my hands and sipped on it, watching the two of them continuing to interact.
Monroe would make a joke and Canyon would fall apart in laughter.
Eventually Canyon got sick and tired of coloring and made a tic-tac-toe board.
And of course, Monroe kept letting her win.
“What time is it?” Canyon asked.
“Almost eleven,” I said.
“Oh,” she said with a yawn. “Okay. Do we have time to watch a movie?”
“I don’t think we have time to do that,” Monroe said. “But we do have time for a bedtime story. Do you want me to read you one?”
“Oh! Oh! Oh! Can you read ‘Are You My Mother?’ to me?”
Monroe looked over at me and I nodded my head, urging her to answer any way she wanted.
And I smiled when Monroe said ‘yes’.
I watched the two of them cuddle on the couch while Monroe read my daughter’s favorite story to her.
It was a bittersweet moment because I knew why she enjoyed the book.
She thought she was a lot like the hatched bird in the story.
Going around and looking up and people and wondering if they were her mother.
I watched from the kitchen table, trying to keep a distance as Monroe bonded with my daughter.
Then once the story was over, I scooped Canyon up and went to tuck her in.
When I came back downstairs, I heard Monroe and my mother talking. Their voices were low at first, but as I got closer I could hear what they were saying.
“He does it to protect Canyon and I, but I know what he does,” my mother said. “Don’t be upset with him. Canyon was a shock to all of us.”
“I’m not upset with him. I couldn’t be with something like this. A father protecting his daughter is the fiercest force I’ve ever seen,” Monroe said. “Does he think I’m upset with him?”
“I don’t think so. But I don’t want you thinking he kept this from you intentionally.”
“He’s protecting his family. I can’t fault him for that,” Monroe said. “How old is Canyon?”
“Ten,” I said.
Monroe whipped her head around to see me as I leaned against the kitchen doorway.
“She was dropped on our doorstep by an ex of mine when she was almost one. Haven’t seen the woman since.”
“Not once?” Monroe asked.
“Nope.”
“How could someone do that to their own child?”
“I wasn’t known for picking winners, Monroe. I happened to get lucky with you.”
I watched her cheeks flush as she brought her coffee mug to her lips.
“Will the two of you be staying long?” my mother asked.
“The plan was to come in only for a couple of hours,” I said
“It’s pretty late, though. I’ve got a spare bedroom if the two of you want to get some sleep,” my mother said.
“I’m okay with it if Knox is,” Monroe said. “I don’t have to work in the morning.”
“What do you do for work?” my mother asked.
“I’m a lawyer,” Monroe said. “For a firm in Redding.”
“So, you bail my son out of trouble when he needs it?”
“I still don’t know how you found out,” I said.
“I’m your mother. I know many things you think I don’t know.”
Monroe looked up at me with that mischievous twinkle in her eye.
She never did answer my mother’s question, but she did convince me to stay that night.
The two of us curled up in bed together, my arms wrapped around her and holding her close.
We fell asleep looking out the window on the outskirts of Anderson, with my mother at the end of the hallway and my daughter across the hall.
“You’re a good man, Knox. And don’t let anyone convince you differently.”
And for the first time in years, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.