13. Chapter Thirteen
13
Sofia
Luca was in a strange mood when he got back from the compound. He looked exhausted, but…wired. Unable to focus on anything. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and popped off the cap, then leaned against the counter. I could tell something was bothering him, but I didn't want to pry, mostly because I felt awful for how I'd pushed him earlier about going to see the doctor. Luca had clearly been upset with me, and he'd fled his own home just to get away from me.
"I'm sorry about before," I said softly.
"Don't worry about it." He took a long pull of his beer. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I'm not mad at you."
"I know. But I shouldn't have pushed you."
He sighed. "Look, I'm not going to lie to you. There's going to be more of that, and there's going to be more shit like earlier. The mood swings, me acting like a fucking asshole. It's hard for me to control, and I don't always realize I'm doing it. You have to understand that I don't...I don't want you to be afraid of me."
I went to him, standing close enough so that I had to tilt my head up to look into his face. "I'm not afraid of you, Luca."
He set his beer down and slid an arm around my waist, tugging me closer. I leaned into his chest and let him hold me. Luca rested his chin on top of my head, and I felt the tension ease out of him, his big, strong arms wrapped tightly around me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked him.
He was quiet for a moment. "No," he finally said. "It's nothing new."
I stayed there with him, listening to his heartbeat and breathing in his scent. Turning my head slightly, I pressed my lips to the fabric of his t-shirt. He took in a sharp breath, then cleared his throat. "I made an appointment with my doc. He can get me in tomorrow morning. Will you drive me?"
I pulled back to look at him. "Of course."
"Thanks." He bent down, kissing my forehead, then let go of me. "I'm gonna take a shower. I feel fucking disgusting."
I watched him disappear down the hall, feeling more unsettled than before. Luca wasn't telling me something. He'd been upset about something before we talked. Something had happened earlier at the compound. And I was worried that this time, it wasn't just Luca's health that was bothering him.
***
The doctor's office was in a fancy high rise building on Huntington Avenue. I drove there, letting Luca get some more sleep. He'd gotten up early, and he was still groggy and quiet when we arrived.
There were quite a few people waiting to be seen. Luca had gotten dressed in sweats and a hoodie, and he looked pale and uncomfortable. He sat down in a chair, rubbing his eyes. I moved behind him and rubbed his shoulders, and he let out a breath. "Thanks," he said.
I kissed the top of his head. "Of course."
"I hate this part."
"I know," I said. "But it won't be much longer."
Luca wrinkled his nose. "It's the smells. When I was...you know...I couldn't really see or hear anything, but I could smell the antiseptic and the—I don't know what else to call it. It smelled like sickness. Death. And now that I'm here, it smells the same way. I hate it."
My heart broke for him. I wished I could go back in time and stop the path of that bullet so it never even came close to Luca. I wanted to take away his pain. He'd already been through so much.
Luca was nervously bouncing his knee, so I put my hand on it, not stopping the movement he needed to release, just letting him know I was there. He smiled sheepishly at me. "Sorry, I don't mean to keep shaking the whole chair. I'm just anxious."
I squeezed his knee. "It's all right. Just relax. I'm here with you, it's going to be okay."
He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. "This has to bring back some memories for you, too. I know that wasn't easy on you either."
I didn't really want to think about that time. But he was right. Sitting up in a hospital room with Luca hooked up to tubes and wires, not knowing if he would live or die was not a pleasant memory, and being back here, again not knowing what was going to happen, was dredging up a lot of old feelings.
"It was hard," I agreed. "But I'm just happy to be here with you now."
"You're always so optimistic," he said with a smile.
I squeezed his hand. "I have to be. Life's too short to be miserable all the time."
"I just wanted to let you know how much it meant to me, having you there. And here, now, even though I don't always show it. I'm not the best at letting people help. I never have been."
Luca smiled at me, but there was still a haunted look in his eyes. I could imagine how much he hated hospitals and doctors’ offices after everything he'd been through.
"What do you want to do later?" I asked, trying to distract him.
"Well, I was thinking..." he hesitated. "I was thinking we could go out and get you a new wardrobe for work."
I shook my head. "Luca, you don't have to. You've done enough for me already."
"I want to," he said. "As a thank you for kicking my ass in gear to get my life back together, and as an apology for being an asshole to you this week. I know you need money, and I know you don't want to keep wearing the same old shit. Come on. Just let me do this for you. I know you're going to get that job, and I want you to look as good as you feel."
I felt my eyes burn. He was so sweet to me, even though I was the one who'd pushed him into making these changes. Luca was so selfless, and I just felt like shit about lying to him.
I had turned down the job.
Seeing Luca suffer today was just too much. He was struggling, and I knew he needed me to be there for him. I couldn't be there for him if I was working 50 hours a week, and I would be away from him more than I would be with him. And besides, there was that kiss to think about. That stupid, idiotic kiss that made my knees weak and my heart race every time I thought about it. The kiss that Luca had wanted to forget ever happened.
I couldn't leave him now. Not when I wanted to stay here with him more than anything.
"All right," I said. "We can go shopping."
Luca smiled, and I swore my heart did a little flip.
"Luca Mariano?" The nurse called from the doorway, and Luca got to his feet.
He started walking over, but then he turned back to me. "Hey," he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me close. His hands slid around my waist, and before I knew what was happening, he was kissing me.
It was only a quick kiss, hardly more than a tentative little peck, but it was soft and warm and he let his lips linger against mine. Holding them there, his eyes closed, breath shuddering as he stood, motionless.
My heart skipped a beat, then doubled. Maybe he didn’t want to forget about the kiss after all.
Completely oblivious to the waiting nurse, I wrapped my arms around his neck. Luca’s eyes fluttered open almost comically wide, but then I felt him grin against my lips.
All too soon, the kiss ended and Luca rested his forehead against mine. "Wait for me?"
"Always," I whispered.
Luca smiled, gave me a second lingering kiss, and followed the nurse into the back.
I went back to my seat, feeling giddy and lightheaded. What the hell was that? What did it mean? I wanted to jump up and down and squeal—I don’t know, do a cartwheel or something, but I made myself sit still. Let’s not scare the other patients.
I tried to distract myself with my phone, but I couldn't stop thinking about Luca's lips on mine.
And I wanted to feel them again.
Luca's appointment ended up taking several hours. Twice, I went up to the receptionist's desk to ask what was taking so long, and while she said she couldn't tell me anything, she did say that if they had to do a CT scan or an MRI it would take a while. I waited, sitting in the hard plastic chair, my stomach knotted with tension. This felt way too much like before.
It was already mid-afternoon when Luca finally came out. He smiled at me tiredly, but it never reached his eyes.
"How did it go?" I asked as we headed toward the car.
"It was okay," he said. "I got some new meds. They're going to help me with the headaches, hopefully."
I nodded. "That's good."
Luca was quiet as he got in the passenger seat. Noting the tension around his eyes, I asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," the smile that flashed across his face was brief and forced. "Just tired and stressed from the whole hospital thing. Let’s go."
I started the car and pulled out of the parking garage. Turning left towards home, I started to pull out into traffic, but Luca stopped me. "Actually, could you drop me off at the Compound? There's some work I need to do."
I blinked in surprise. He'd just told me he was going to take the day off work to spend time with me. Was this about the kiss? I thought…
"Are you sure? We don't have to do the shopping thing today..." I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice, but I knew I was failing. It honestly wasn't about the clothes, I just wanted to spend time with him.
Luca shook his head. "I'm so sorry, but we'll have to do it another day. Julian called while I was back with the doc, and he needs me."
It felt like a lie. It felt like he was dismissing me. Something had changed, and I didn't know what. Luca had seemed so happy before we went in to see the doctor, but now he was closed off and distant once again.
I bit my lip and looked over at him. He was staring out the window, jaw clenched. His hands were balled into fists, and I couldn't place the source of his emotions.
"Ok," I said softly. "Let's get you to the Compound."
Neither of us spoke for the rest of the drive.