25. Chapter Twenty-Five
25
Sofia
Julian stood in the doorway to Sal's office, his gun smoking, as Dominic's body slid to the floor, a hole blown clean through his temple. Outside, Dante was shouting at the rest of the men to back the fuck up, punctuating his demand by firing a shot of his own into the ceiling, but I paid him no attention as I rushed at Sal's office.
"Sofia, no!" Julian tried to bar my way, his arm across the doorway, but I ducked under it and dashed to where Luca lay on the floor. He was bleeding from his head, a pool of crimson forming on the carpet beneath him.
"Luca," I breathed, kneeling beside him and taking his face in my hands. His eyes were closed, his skin pale. I couldn't tell if he was breathing. "Luca!" I cried, shaking him gently. "Please, please, please..." I couldn't even form words, the terror that he was already gone was so overwhelming. I pressed my fingers to his neck, feeling for a pulse, but I couldn't tell if it was there or if it was just the frantic hammering of my own heart.
Suddenly, Luca's body jerked and spasmed, his eyes rolling back in his head. Foam bubbled from his lips, and he convulsed violently, his back arching off the floor.
"Julian!" I screamed, trying to hold him down, momentarily forgetting everything I knew. "Help me!"
But Julian was frozen in the doorway, eyes wide as saucers as he stared down at the scene on the floor.
Hands shoved at mine. "Don't hold him down, you'll hurt him, Sofia. Just keep his head from slamming on the floor and let him ride it out." Dante's voice was calm, steady, as he shoved my hands away from Luca, cupping his head instead. I sat back helplessly as Luca's body twitched and jerked. Tears streamed down my face, and I was shaking so hard I felt like I was convulsing on the floor along with him.
"Luca," I sobbed. "Please don't do this, please don't do this, please don't leave me, I love you, I love you, I love you..." The words tumbled from my lips in a jumble, over and over, until finally Luca's body stilled, his head rolling limply to the side, his chest falling still.
"No!" I cried, lurching forward, my heart in my throat. "No, no, no! This isn't happening! You can't die! You can't leave me!"
Dante gently pushed me to the side, then leaned down with his ear over Luca's mouth. Pressed two fingers against his throat. Sighed heavily. "He's alive, but barely. We—"
"There's something wrong in his brain, he said the doctor found something—"
"I know," Dante said heavily, "and that blow to the head could've ruptured it. We need to get him to the hospital, right fucking now."
"I'm calling an ambulance." Julian stumbled forward. I'd almost forgotten my brother was even there, but Dante slapped the phone out of his hand.
"We can't call an ambulance, shitbird, we've got two dead bodies here. Help me carry him down to my car, I'll have him there in half the time."
Julian just nodded, and together, he and Dante lifted Luca's limp body off the floor and carried him out of the room. I followed behind them, my heart in my throat. Please, God, I prayed. Let him be all right. I can't lose him. Not now. Not when we've just found each other. Not when I've finally found the love of my life.
I couldn't lose him.
I couldn't.
***
Dante drove like a maniac to the hospital while I sat in the passenger seat, Luca stretched out in the back with his head in Julian's lap. He was pale and still, his breathing shallow, too slow. Julian had stayed behind at the compound to deal with the mess they had left. I didn't envy him, but he'd always had a cool head and could handle a crisis.
Traffic was backed up a few blocks down from Mass General, but Dante hopped a curb and pulled us straight into the emergency entrance, nearly plowing down two orderlies. He threw the car into park and leaped out to open the backseat. “The fuck you looking at—a little help here!”
People in scrubs, momentarily frozen in shock at the sight of us, burst into action. More came with a gurney, and within seconds Luca was being loaded onto it and whisked through the double doors. I ran alongside the stretcher, holding Luca's hand, trying to talk to him, but he didn't respond. His skin was cold and clammy, his lips blue. I wasn’t sure if he was still breathing.
This was happening again. Luca was fighting for his life again, a fight he could very well lose. It was too much. Too fucking much. I'd just got him back, and now I was going to lose him? No. No way. I couldn't accept that. Wouldn't accept that.
Luca wasn't going to die. Not on my watch.
At the double doors, a woman with strawberry blond hair and a white coat over her scrubs took control of the gurney, her eyes locking on me as she pushed Luca toward the trauma bay. She looked vaguely familiar. Dr. McTiernan, her nametag read.
"What do we have, here?"
"Head trauma following a TBI, possible lesion rupture," Dante answered for me. "Pulse is thready, respiration labored and shallow. Seized briefly about twenty minutes ago."
One of the orderlies tried to shove him out of the way. “Who the hell is this guy?”
“Let him speak,” Dr. McTiernan ordered.
I listened numbly as Dante coolly gave the doctor a surprisingly professional rundown. I barely heard any of it, though, my eyes locked on Luca's body as the emergency room personnel swarmed around the gurney.
"Pulse is erratic," one of them called out. "BP 90 over 60."
"Push 100mg of diazepam, stat," Dr. McTiernan ordered. "Get him prepped for a CT scan and get me some imaging. What's his name, Sofia?"
It took me a second to realize that last part was directed at me. How did she know my name?
"Luca," I managed to say. "Luca Mariano. He was shot in the head a couple of years ago and has been dealing with complications ever since. He said the doctor told him about something in his brain that was damaged and inoperable. T-terminal." My voice wobbled on the last word, but I cleared my throat and went on.
"Age?"
"34, I think?" My mind was a blur.
"Any drug allergies?"
"None," Dante answered for me. "He's had a craniotomy, but I don't think there was any—"
"Okay," the doctor said, cutting him off. "Thank you, but we're going to have to take it from here. I want--"
Alarms began blaring from the monitors. "He's coding!"
"V-fib," someone else said.
"Blood pressure is dropping," another voice warned, and a nurse pushed me back as she rushed forward with the paddles. Dr. McTiernan was shouting orders, everyone seemed to be moving all at once, and I could barely see Luca lying there in the midst of it all. Then someone was pulling me away from the bed, and I couldn't see him at all.
"No," I said, struggling against whoever it was that held me. I had to get to him. I had to be with him. "No, let me go! I need to be with him! I can't leave him!"
"Sofia, honey, you have to let them do their job." Dante's voice was low and steady in my ear, but there was an underlying tension there that scared the shit out of me. Nothing ever rattled Dante.
"Clear!" Dr. McTiernan shouted as she pressed twin paddles to Luca's chest. There was an electric whine, then Luca's body jerked on the table, and my knees gave out as Dante caught me.
"Wha-what are they doing? What's happening?" I sobbed against him, tears streaming down my face.
"He's going to make it. He's going to be fine."
But I wasn't sure if Dante was reassuring me, or himself.
"Still V-fib," the nurse called out.
"Charge to 300," the doctor said. "Clear!"
Luca's head rocked limply on the table as she shocked him again.
"Come on, Luca," Dr. McTiernan said, looking over at the monitor. "Let's go again. 360."
This time, Luca arched violently off the bed, and I felt Dante's arms tighten around me as the doctor stepped back to look at the machine. The room fell silent, except for the sound of my own ragged breathing, and for an eternity, no one moved.
"Gota heartbeat," someone finally said. "Sinus rhythm."
"Oh, God." I sagged in relief as my brain finally registered the beeping of the monitor as the ER staff swarmed over Luca, hooking him up to even more equipment.
"Clear the room, and get the portable MRI in here," another voice demanded, and this one, I knew as Julian's doctor, Jerome Carter strode into the room. "Cass, we've got an open bleed, ruptured lesion, ICP critical. Get him stabilized and get him into the OR, stat. I'm scrubbing in."
The strawberry blonde doctor—who I now recognized as Cassidy McTiernan, the woman Luca once helped escape from the Compound on the night that started it all—glanced at me, and her eyes softened. "We've got him, Sofia," she said. "I promise, we'll do everything we can for him."
"Sofia, we have to go," Dante said, taking my arm and pulling me away from the gurney. "Let the doctors do their job."
I tried to nod, but I couldn't. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. Couldn't think. All I could do was watch helplessly as they wheeled him away, taking my whole world with him.
"I need you to breathe right now," Dante said, his voice tight with concern. "You have to breathe, honey."
"Why is this happening?" I asked, my voice barely audible. "Why now? Why can't he just be okay? He's survived so much, he deserves a fucking break. I just got him back, and now I'm losing him again?"
Dante didn't say anything, he just held me, and I guess the silence summed up the direness of the situation. He didn't even have it in him to bullshit me. My whole world was crashing down around me. Luca was fighting for his life, again, and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. I couldn't protect him. I couldn't save him. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't make it this time.
He could die. My Luca. My sweet, strong, gentle giant. He could die.
"Come on, Sof," Dante murmured in my ear. "Come on, sit down, you're shaking so hard I can hear your teeth rattling."
He guided me to a row of chairs and sat me down, then settled beside me."Let me go get you some water. I'll be right back."
I nodded, and he got up and walked away, leaving me alone in the crowded waiting room. I was vaguely aware of people crying and talking around me, but none of them mattered. The only person who mattered right now was Luca. And he was lying in some operating room somewhere, fighting for his life. Again.
A can of soda was pressed into my hand, already open. "Drink. You need the sugar. You look like you're going to pass out," Dante said, sitting down beside me. He popped the tab on his own can of Coke, carefully watching me. I took a sip of the cold, sugary drink, the bubbles burning my throat as I swallowed. It was too much. It was all too much, and I felt my stomach churn in protest, the tears welling up in my eyes once more.
"Listen, I need you to stay calm," Dante said. "That's the only way you'll be able to help Luca right now."
"How did you know about him? About what was going on?" I asked, needing to focus on anything but the fact that the love of my life was in the hands of some surgeon I didn’t know, fighting for his life in an OR.
"I've been watching him," Dante admitted. "I knew something wasn't right. Luca's been spiraling, and he's just not the type to do that. Not even after everything he's had to fight through. I had to drag it out of him, but he finally told me a few days ago. The inoperable lesion, the headaches and seizures. But he wouldn't tell me anything else. I didn't know he was going to do this tonight, Sofia, or I'd have stopped him."
I nodded. That sounded just like Luca. Trying to protect everyone else, regardless of what it did to him in the process. I swallowed hard. "He left me a letter," I said numbly. "He said he was dying and that he was going to take Sal and Dom out on his way. For us. For..."
...for me.
"He's not going to die," Dante said, his voice firm. "He's going to pull through this, Sofia. He has to."
But he didn't sound convinced, and that scared me more than anything.
We sat there in silence for a long time, ignoring the sodas that slowly warmed in our hands, waiting for news that never came.. Minutes ticked by. The waiting room slowly emptied, filled, then emptied again as I sat there, my knees drawn up to my chest, and waited. Time seemed to drag on forever. Dante just squeezed my shoulder, and I leaned into his touch, my eyes fixed on the doors where they'd taken Luca. Please, God, I begged. Don't take him from me. Not now.
Hours passed.
Julian called and Dante took it out to the hallway, speaking in hushed tones that I didn't have the heart to overhear. His mouth was a deep slash when he came back to his seat, but all he told me was that Julian had things sorted at the Compound and was on his way.
Finally, after an eternity, the doors opened and both Cassidy and Jerome came out. The expression on their faces was grim, and my stomach clenched.
"How is he?" I asked, standing up. My knees were shaking, but I managed to stay on my feet. "Is he alive?"
To my surprise, both doctors pulled up chairs and sank into them, facing us. Cassidy sat forward, her elbows on her knees, engaged, while Jerome leaned back, his arms crossed over his chest, pensive.
"We managed to stabilize him for the time being," Cassidy began, "but we're having a hard time keeping his blood pressure up. You were right about the lesion, imaging showed a small mass; the problem is that the additional head injury has ruptured it, and he's got a pretty extensive subdural hematoma that's putting a lot of pressure on the surrounding brain tissue."
I swallowed. "What does that mean?"
"It means we need to operate soon, or we risk losing him permanently. The longer we wait, the worse his prognosis gets. Right now, we're pumping him full of enough blood and drugs to keep him alive, but they're only delaying the inevitable."
I looked at Dante, then back to the doctors. "Operate? But...I thought Luca's doctor said that it was inoperable."
"Not necessarily," Jerome jumped in. "Luca has what's called a progressive hemorrhagic injury, which is like a weak spot in one of the brain's blood vessels. It’s not uncommon after a TBI. Alone, it's life threatening, but the secondary head injury he recieved is making it worse. The bullet that hit him two years ago weakened the wall of the blood vessel, and the recent trauma has caused it to bleed."
"We can't get to the lesion itself," Cassidy explained, "but this kind of bleed is something Dr. Carter here specializes in. We can go in and bypass the weakened area, which should relieve the pressure and allow us to stop the bleeding. The thing is, we need to do it soon, or Luca will continue to deteriorate, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. The longer we wait, the higher the risks."
I felt dizzy, and Dante grabbed my arm, steadying me. "And you think you can save him?" I asked. Hope flared briefly, but I tried to tamp it down. I didn't want to get my hopes up, not if there was still a chance that Luca wouldn't survive this. If I let myself believe he'd make it, and then he died on that table...
"We can't guarantee anything," Cassidy said, her expression somber. "The risks of this kind of surgery are extremely high, even under the best of circumstances. Luca's injuries are compounded by the original bullet wound, which makes things infinitely more complicated. And then there's the fact that this is a cranial bypass, which is always high-risk. But if we don't try..." She trailed off, and Jerome picked up the thread.
"Without the surgery, he's going to die," he said bluntly. "There's no doubt about that. We're having a hard time keeping his blood pressure up, and he's already arrested on us once. The next 24 hours are critical."
"Jerome is the best vascular surgeon in his field," Cassidy said, "and I'd trust him with my life. In fact, I trusted him with my husband's life the night Luca was brought in the first time. Connor would have died if it weren't for Jerome. We've got a chance to save him if you give us permission to go ahead with the surgery."
I blinked at her. "Me? But I'm not his next of kin, or anything."
The doctors looked at each other. "We pulled his file. Luca had a DNR filed back several months ago, and at that time, he halted further surgeries or treatments."
"But...but why would he do that? Why would he..."
Cassidy hesitated, then reached out to take my hand. "Sofia, there was no guarantee of success with any procedure, and a lot of risk. And Luca's been dealing with a lot of pain. Sometimes in these cases with a long road to recovery, some patients get to the point where enough is enough. I know this is hard to hear, but it's not uncommon. The important thing is, we can't go ahead with the surgery without your permission. We need you to sign the consent forms. As his medical proxy."
"Me?" I asked, my voice barely audible.
"Yes. Luca named you as his healthcare agent in the event he was unable to make his own decisions regarding his care. Although he has the DNR in place, with this new information, we think it's best if you're the one to make the call."
I stared at her, trying to process everything that was being said to me. Dante put his arm around my shoulders, grounding me with his presence. He didn't say anything, just let me know that he was there for me. And I appreciated it more than I could ever express.
"What...what are the..." I couldn't bring myself to ask the odds. "What are the risks?"
"Brain surgery is always risky," Jerome said. "But in this case, there's a very real possibility that he could die on the table. Or that the surgery could leave him with severe brain damage. He might never wake up."
I felt the blood drain from my face as the implications of what they were saying hit me. This wasn't just about whether Luca would live. This was also about his quality of life if he survived. If he survived the surgery and woke up, there was a chance that he wouldn't be able to walk or talk. That he wouldn't be able to feed himself or take care of himself. That he might not even recognize me anymore.
"I...I don't know what to do," I said finally, even though the words broke my heart. "I don't know if Luca would want this. He was so ready to die, he was so convinced that there was no hope for him. He was ready to go. He was willing to die just to keep Sal and Dominic from hurting the family."
Dante leaned into me. "Sofia, I don't think that's true," he said. "I just don't think Luca thought he had any other options. He loves you, Sofia. More than anything in the world. He was ready to die for you, not because of you. There's a big difference. Luca would want to live, if he could. For you. He'd fight with everything he had."
I looked at him, and then at Cassidy and Jerome. They were both looking at me with hope in their eyes. Hope that I could give them permission to save Luca's life.
But I thought back to those early days when Luca's autonomy meant everything to him. His independence. He didn't want to suffer, and he was willing to die rather than exist in a state where he wasn't fully himself. He wanted to be in control of his own body, his own mind.
How could I take that away from him?
How could I make that decision for him?
Could I live with myself if I did?
And if I didn't, could I live with myself if he died? The operation wasn't a guarantee, in fact, it could be the thing that killed him. Or worse. Luca's heart had already stopped once. What if my decision was the thing that stopped it for good?
"Can I see him?" I asked, my throat tight. My heart ached at the thought of seeing him hooked up to all those machines, fighting for his life, but I needed to see him. I needed to touch him, to talk to him, even if he couldn't hear me. I had to believe that somewhere deep inside his subconscious, he could still feel me. "You...you said he's stable, is he awake? Can I see him?"
Jerome hesitated. "He's not conscious right now, but yes, you can see him. But you'll have to be quick. We need to get him prepped for surgery as soon as possible."
"Thank you," I breathed, then Dante was helping me out of the chair and leading me down the hallway toward the ICU. My legs were shaking, and I felt like I was going to be sick.
But I needed to see him.
If Luca was awake, then ultimately, it had to be his choice.
***
Luca was lying in a bed in the ICU, surrounded by the machinery that was keeping him alive. Pale and still, his chest rising and falling shallowly. He looked so small, so vulnerable. So unlike the man I knew and loved. The man I had seen only a few hours ago, full of life and fire when he'd made love to me, claiming me as his for eternity. It seemed impossible that he could be here now, fighting for his life again.
I took a deep breath and stepped into the room. Dante stayed in the hall, giving us privacy. I walked slowly toward the bed, my heart hammering in my throat. I reached out and brushed my fingers against his cheek. His skin was cold and dry. I wanted so badly to crawl into that bed with him and hold him close, to feel his strong heart beating under my hands.
But I couldn't.
Not now. Maybe not ever. The thought made my chest ache with a deep, painful sorrow.
"Luca," I whispered, my voice breaking. "Luca, I don't know if you can hear me, but I love you. I love you so much, and I need you to fight. Please don't leave me. Please don't give up. I need you. I need you to fight. I'm so scared, Luca. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make this choice for you, but I will if I have to. I'll do it because I love you, and I want you to live. But please, please, don't leave me. Fight. Please fight. I love you."
I was sobbing now, my tears falling onto his chest, wetting the hospital gown. I laid my head on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. I closed my eyes and prayed, begged for him to wake up, to give me some sign that he was still with me.
A single touch, feather light, against my forehead. My head shot up, looking at Luca. His eyes were open, and he was looking at me, his gaze weak and unfocused, but there. He was awake.
"Luca," I breathed, cupping his cheek. "Oh my God, you're awake."
He blinked at me, his lips moving soundlessly. I leaned in closer, my ear brushing his lips, straining to hear, but I couldn't make it out.
"Luca, listen to me," I said frantically, caressing the side of his face and turning it towards me. "You've got a bleed in your brain. It's a result of the lesion the doctor found earlier. The doctors are ready to operate, but they need your permission. You still have the DNR in place, and they want me to override it, but I can't do that to you. I can't take away your choice, not like that. Even if it's killing me. I love you too much."
His eyes widened, and he reached for my hand, squeezing it. He tried to speak again, his lips working soundlessly.
"You need to make the decision, love," I said. "I can't do that for you. I won't. It's your life, and it's your choice. But I need you to know that I love you. Either way, I will love you forever."
His eyes fluttered closed, and for a moment, I thought he was going to slip away from me again. But then they opened, and he looked at me, his gaze clear and steady.
Luca's hand twitched on the bed, mimicking writing. I fumbled in my purse and brought out a pen and a scrap of paper. I slid the pen between his fingers, and he wrote three shaky words on the paper:
I choose you.
I stared at the paper in my hands, and then at Luca. He was looking at me, his eyes bright with emotion. I could feel the tears streaming down my face, but I didn't care. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight.
"You mean it?" I asked, my voice muffled against his shoulder.
He nodded, and I pulled back to look at him. His eyes were wet, too, and I could read his lips as he mouthed, Whatever it takes, I choose you.
I kissed him then, softly, gently, tasting the salt of our tears. "I love you, Luca," I said when we broke apart. "I love you so much. Thank you for fighting for us."
He squeezed my hand and gave me a weak smile. Then his lips moved again. Sofia...I love—
Pressing my finger against his lips, I shook my head. "Tell me when you wake up. I want to hear you say it. I want to see it in your eyes. You can tell me when you wake up. Promise me."
His eyes locked with mine. He gave a small, nearly imperceptible nod, a promise that he was coming back. To me. He was choosing to fight.
For me.
And for the first time since this whole ordeal had begun, I let myself believe. I let myself hope. I let myself love freely, without fear.
"I'll be here when you wake up, baby," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."
Luca’s eyes had fluttered closed again by the time I called for the nurse to sign the consent forms. I was shaking the whole time, my heart pounding in my chest, but I did it. I signed away Luca's life to chance.
Because he chose me. And I chose him. Whatever happened next, I would be there for him. Every step of the way.