1. Prologue
Iwished we hadn’t walked so fast. We’d reached my house already, and I would have loved to have just kept walking right past it. I could have said that I suppose, but I was afraid it would seem strange to him, and I didn’t know him well enough yet to say I didn’t want to go home. This was the third time he’d walked me home this week, and I didn’t want him thinking I was strange. It was nice to have a friend.
”Hey, Paige,” he said, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets.
”Yes, Ben.” My voice came out small and I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear as the wind whipped it across my face.
”Uh, so I was thinking...” He looked up at me through a fringe of dark hair, his eyes hesitant but hopeful.
”Yeah?” I could feel my heart picking up speed.
”Would you... maybe wanna go see a film with me? This Saturday night?” His cheeks flushed and my heart skipped a beat.
A movie. With Ben. I‘d never wanted anything more in my life. I’d liked him for ages, but I didn’t even realise he knew my name. When he’d started walking me home, I barely dared hope for anything other than occasional company, but this was a date. He was asking me on a date. Excitement filled me, only to be instantly smothered by the idea of asking my Mum. She would never let me go. She’d go mad at me even asking. But the idea of sitting next to Ben in the dim light of the cinema, sharing a bucket of popcorn, chatting about the film afterwards… It was too tempting. And I was certain Mum was going to another one of her charity events on Saturday night. Dad wouldn’t notice if I snuck out. He’d probably be at the pub anyway. Maybe, just maybe, I could slip out unnoticed, spend the evening with Ben, and be back before Mum got home. She’d never even know.
”I”d like that,” I managed to say, surprised at how steady my voice sounded despite the fact that my heart was pounding. ”I”d really like that.”
”Great!” He beamed, relief washing over his features, and I felt warm at the thought that he’d been nervous about asking me. ”Can I get your number?”
I hesitated,not wanting to admit to being different to every other kid my age. ”I don”t have a phone.”
”Okay, no problem. We can just meet there, then? At seven? We can choose a film when we get there.”
“That sounds perfect,” I said, pushing away the thought that I’d somehow have to find some money to pay for the ticket. That was a tomorrow problem. “I’ll see you Saturday then.”
”Can”t wait,” Ben said. He moved closer, smiling down at me, warm brown eyes looking into mine. He reached out and took my hand, warm fingers lacing with my own cold ones. I looked up at him, my cheeks flushing at the nearness of him.
“Paige, I was going to wait till Saturday night, but…”
“But what?”
He bit his lip, his eyes dropping away for a second. “I really like you, Paige. Can I kiss you?”
I nodded, unable to speak as my heart felt like it had leapt into my throat.
He leaned in hesitantly, and I wondered if he had kissed anyone before. It would be nice if I was his first kiss too. His lips brushed over mine, warm and soft, and I wondered if he could hear the way my heart hammered in my chest. It seemed to be over almost immediately, but I could still feel the warmth of his mouth, and I smiled shyly up at him.
”See you Saturday,” he said.
”Saturday,” I managed to say.
He squeezed my hand before letting it go, then walked back the way we came.
I floated towards the house, my steps lighter than air, and my smile was wide as I pushed open the front door.
”Paige.”
The world crashed down with that one word. Her voice, ice-cold, sliced through my euphoria. I stepped in, my gaze lifting to meet hers. She stood there staring at me, arms crossed, her long false nails tapping on her designer jacket. Her blonde hair, an identical shade to mine, fell in an expensive cut, whereas mine she just trimmed with the kitchen scissors when it got too long. Her makeup, jewellery, everything about her was perfect, except for the long thin disfiguring scar that ran from the outer corner of her right eye to the corner of her mouth. She’d got it in an accident, she’d told me once, before she’d smacked me for asking personal questions.
”Mum,” I stuttered, the word catching in my throat.
”You should have been home five minutes ago. What have you been doing?”
”Nothing, just talking with a friend.” My heart pounded as I looked up at her.
”A friend,” she said. Her eyes narrowed, and I knew. She had seen everything.
Her palm cracked across my face leaving a stinging pain. I knew better than to cover my face.
”Disgusting little slut,” she spat, her voice seething with venom.
”No, Mum, I—”
”Silence!” She reached out, her fingers entwining in my hair, yanking hard. I stumbled, forced to follow or risk clumps tearing free from my scalp.
”Please, Mum, don’t…”
She dragged me past the living room door, and my father glanced up from his normal position on the sofa, eyes bloodshot, a bottle dangling from his fingers. His gaze slid back to the blaring tv, ignoring me and Mum in the hallway. I wouldn’t have expected anything more. He never intervened.
”Pathetic,” she hissed, as I stumbled painfully up the stairs. She pushed me into the bathroom, and finally let go, ripping my coat and my school blazer down my arms.
“Mum, stop please. I didn”t do anything!”
“You’re a fucking whore, and you need to clean yourself now!” she barked at me.
She shoved me into the shower cubicle still fully dressed and turned the water on full blast. I gasped as the icy stream hit me, drenching my hair and clothes.
”Mum, please,” I gasped between shudders, water smothering my words. ”It was just a kiss.”
”Silence!” The word was a gunshot in the echo of the tiled room. My teeth chattered, body convulsing under the relentless cold. She held me under the water, until I was completely soaked through.
”Mom, I”m sorry.”
”Sorry doesn”t clean your filth. Now get out.”
She turned the water off and I stumbled from the shower, soaked and shaking. She grabbed my arm, her grip like iron as she marched me down the hall, past my bedroom door,and I knew where we were going.
“No, Mum please, I”m sorry. I won”t do it again!”
“No, you won’t. I did not raise my daughter to be a slut. Now, get in there.” The spare room was empty, with bare floorboards, and only a thin mattress on the floor in one corner. I knew it well. Her shove sent me sprawling onto the floor.
”You”ll stay here and think about what you”ve done, you dirty little slut.” The door slammed, and the lock clicked.
”Mum—” My voice cracked, but I knew it was no use. I heard her footsteps going back down the hall. Tears and pleas wouldn’t move her, they never had before.
I crossed the room, sinking down onto the mattress and huddled in the corner, my arms wrapped tight around my knees. The spare room felt like a freezer, stripped of warmth and humanity. Just an old mattress with stained edges, and a tiny ensuite that echoed with the drip-drip of a leaky tap. The shivers racked my body, uncontrollable, as the dampness of my clothes and my hair clung to my skin.
”Stop it,” I whispered to myself, focusing on slowing my breath, trying to calm the tremors. My head throbbed where she had yanked at my hair and the sound of the tv blasting downstairs only made it worse. I closed my eyes as tears began to fall. So stupid, I thought to myself. I’m so stupid. It was just a kiss. But even as I said it, the memory of Ben”s lips ghosted on mine, bittersweet. A moment of light in my dark world.
The days blurred together, each indistinguishable from the last. Light crept in and then slinked away, leaving me in darkness. Hunger gnawed at my insides, an ever-present ache that became my world. My body felt lighter, emptier, like I might just float away on my next breath and be free. I’d been here before, so I knew to make sure I drank water from the tap. By what I thought might be the fifth day, it took me longer to get there each time, the world spinning every time I stood up.
When the door finally opened, it was morning. I laid still, looking up at the figure in the doorway, not daring to move.
”Get up,” she ordered.
I tried to, but my legs were weak and I stumbled, my knees hitting the ground.
”Look at you,” she spat, disgust twisting her features. ”Pathetic.”
”Mum,” I whispered, my voice a faint shadow of itself. ”Please.”
”Come on,” she commanded, turning on her heel.
I got to my feet again, holding onto the wall until the swaying eased, then followed her downstairs.
”Sit,” she commanded as we reached the kitchen.
I obeyed, sinking into a chair. She leaned back against the counter, arms crossed.
”I hope you”ve learned your lesson.”
I nodded. ”Yes, Mum.”
”Proper girls don”t do what you did. They don”t shame their families.”
”Sorry, Mum.” The words were hollow. Just say what she wants to hear. Don’t set her off again. I couldn”t look at her, kept my gaze fixed on the worn tile floor.
”Sorry doesn”t fix things, Paige. Remember that.”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. ”I will, Mum.”
”Good. You will not go near that boy again. Or any boy, you understand me?”
I nodded, tears threatening to fall at the thought of how Ben was going to react when he saw me. It must be past Saturday now, and I’d never shown at the cinema. He must have thought I”d stood him up, and my heart ached at the idea of him standing there waiting. He was going to hate me too.
My mother’s eyes raked over my body. “I don’t know how I managed to give birth to a daughter who is such a fucking mess. Why would a boy even look at you?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
Her eys narrowed. “He did though,” she said slowly. “He wanted you. He must have thought you were worth fucking, if he kissed you.”
“No, he wouldn’t… he’s not like that..” I said, my horror at her opinion of Ben overcoming my fear of speaking back to her.
“Don’t be stupid, Paige. they’re all the same. They just want to fuck you, whether you want them too or not. It”s our job as women to use that. Do you understand me? It”s the best weapon we have. It’s how we… ohh…” Her voice trailed off, and I blinked at the sudden smile that crept over her face. It chilled me.
“Ohh, now that’s a thought. Paige, darling, take off your clothes.”
“What?” I wasn”t sure if I was more confused by the order or her calling me darling.
“I said, strip,” she snapped.
“Why?” My answer was a slap across the face that left my head ringing. I stood up, leaning on the table for support as I removed my school shirt and skirt. I’d left my tights and tie in the spare room. I stood there in my underwear, trembling with cold, and she walked around me, studying my body.
“Hmm, well, after all that, maybe you do have potential. But we need a man’s opinion. Come with me.”
Her fingers clamped around my arm and she hauled me down the hall to the living room.
“Mum, no! Dad’s in there,” I hissed, trying to pull away. She glared at me.
“That’s the point, stupid girl. I need to know what a sleazy male thinks of you. Now be quiet.”
She shoved me into the living room in front of her and I stumbled into the centre of the room. My dad was laid on the sofa, the empty bottle from the night before still arrayed around him. His shirt was open, revealing his flabby middle aged body, and his belt was undone, though thankfully not his trousers this time. He blinked, sluggish, then focused on me again.
“What’s this?” he slurred.
“I want to know what you think of Paige. Now she’s growing up.”
He looked confused. “What?”
My mother sighed in frustration. “Look at her. Is she fuckable, Neil? When you were… younger. Would you have fucked her?”
His eyes crawled over me, slow and calculating. A shiver ran down my spine.
“Mum please.”
“I want his opinion, Paige. I just see you as an ugly dirty little slut, but to men like him, you might be a fuckable dirty slut. There’s a difference and I need to know if you have potential.”
She stepped forward, grabbing my hands and dragging me closer to the sofa, turning me this way and that. My father watched in a silent stupor, his eyes roving over my body with a cold detachment that made my skin crawl.
”Well?” my mother urged, her tone impatient. My dad grunted, shifting on the sofa to get a better view.
”She”s got potential,” he said finally, his voice rough. She released me,and I stumbled away, covering my chest with my hands, tears of shame running down my face.
“But would she be fuckable? To your lot?” my mother asked, an odd level of excitement in her voice. ”Is she any good?”
My father’s eyes locked onto mine again, his hand drifting to his trousers, adjusting himself. ”Yes,” he murmured. “I’d have fucked her.”
A twisted sense of triumph filled my mother”s face. A smile formed on her lips, cold and calculating. ”There’s potential for her to be a good investment then,” she mused.”You hear that, Paige? You can stop being utterly useless and pathetic.”
I nodded, trying not to look over at my father as he rubbed at his crotch, his eyes fixed on the hand that covered myself from him. I felt sick.
“Good. We have some work to do. Go and get a shower and get dressed. I’ll make you some breakfast and then we’re going shopping.” She moved closer and I flinched, but she ran her fingers softly down the side of my face and her tone softened. ”You”re young, but you”ll learn. To be proper, to be... perfect. For them.”
”Perfect,” I whispered.
“Yes Paige, we’re going to make you perfect. Now go.”
I didn”t need telling twice. I hurried out of the room, glancing back just as my mother dropped to her knees in front of my father.
She looked up at him, smiling. “We have a chance.”
He nodded. “If you say so, Pauline. But I imagine it’s going to cost me, so now you either open your fucking mouth, or you get her back in here.”
I ran the rest of the way to the bathroom and locked the door behind me.