Chapter 14 #2
“That’s better,” Leo chirped.
King released Saint, and he walked to the bed. He handed Leo his gift.
“Goldfish crackers!” Leo took the bag, his smile huge. “Thanks.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been shot.”
He said it so matter-of-factly that Saint couldn’t help but laugh.
“That sounds about right.”
“If you mean emotionally, I’m fine. Well, not fine because there’s bound to be some psychological repercussions, but physical recovery comes first, and then we’ll work on the rest. Also, I was worried about my family and didn’t know if anyone else had been hurt or worse.
And I was worried about Ward because I knew he would be hurting, though he shouldn’t have been mean to you .
” Leo threw another narrowed gaze at his boyfriend before turning back to Saint as if nothing had happened.
“Then I woke up a bunch of times but was so out of it.” He snickered.
“Oh man, I had some weird dreams.” He blinked at Saint.
“You were in them! Well, everyone was in them. I think we were in the Lego Batman movie, which is weird because I don’t usually have DC dreams.”
As opposed to...Marvel dreams?
“Let me guess. King was Batman?”
Leo snorted. “No, I was Batman. Though I would have preferred to be the Flash.”
“So if you were Batman in your dream, that made King…Robin or Cat Woman?” He was dead. Saint was dead. But he couldn’t help it. When was he going to get another opportunity like this? Plus, he had Leo to protect him.
“Well, Robin, obviously.”
“Obviously.” Saint nodded and fought back his laughter. “Are we talking original 1960s Robin, nipple-suit Robin, or…?”
“I’m about to undo your unfire,” King said. “Thanks for visiting. Goodbye.”
Saint laughed as he inched closer to Leo. “Who was I?”
“Aquaman. But like the cool new badass Aquaman, not the guy in the green tights who rode a white seahorse and talked to fish.”
“Thanks, man.” He glanced at King and wanted to laugh so hard. Moving his gaze to Leo, he put a hand to his heart. “I’m so glad you called. You just made my week.” His expression softened. “I’m happy you’re on the mend, Leo.”
“Thanks. Thank you for risking your life for me. I know why you felt bad. I would have felt awful if you’d been hurt or killed trying to protect me.”
“No sense in worrying about what didn’t happen, okay? You get better.”
Leo yawned and let his head rest on the pillow. “I’m sleepy.”
“Okay.” Saint went to the door, King joining him.
“I sincerely apologize for my behavior. I know better than anyone what this job is, and I never should have blamed you.”
Saint glanced at Leo, checking he was asleep. The poor guy was out. Saint turned his attention back to King. “It wasn’t your fault either. We’re all a bunch of stubborn assess, so I get wanting to blame yourself, but you’re no more at fault than I am.”
King nodded, but Saint was sure his friend and boss didn’t honestly believe that. Saint hoped Leo would be able to knock some sense into him.
“Thanks for coming by,” King said.
“Let me know if you need anything.” With that, he left the hospital and called Fitz. “Hey, you free to meet up?”
“Sure. There’s a cute little coffee and pastry shop downtown. You can buy me a Chai latte and a pain au chocolat.”
“You got it. Text me the address.” He hung up, and his phone pinged with the address. Sure enough, as Saint suspected, the coffee shop was a fancy little French place with lots of gold accents, mirrors, gilded signage, and expensive coffee.
Fitz was already inside, and he waved cheerfully from one of the booths at the back. Today’s ensemble was a trendy cropped denim jacket with sleeves rolled up to the elbows over a white V-neck T-shirt.
Saint slid into the booth. “How are you wearing a jacket? It’s like eighty degrees outside.”
“It’s like you don’t know me. I recommend le café viennois. It’s delicious.”
“Be right back.” Saint went to the counter and put in their order. He also ordered a chocolate croissant for himself because they looked so good. Then he carried their tray to the table and sat down. He sucked in some of the whipped cream on his coffee. “Damn, this is good.”
“Told you.” Fitz took a sip of his latte.
“Val and I had sex this morning.”
The coffee in Fitz’s mouth was now on Saint’s shirt.
“Oh my god.” Fitz grabbed several napkins and shoved them at Saint. “I would apologize, but I’m not sorry. Are you trying to kill me? Why would you say that while I’m drinking?”
“Sorry,” Saint muttered as he wiped his shirt. Good thing he was wearing a dark T-shirt.
Wiping his mouth with far more finesse than Saint possessed, Fitz comported himself. “Care to elaborate?”
Saint eyed him. “Like, details? Because I’m not comfortable with that.”
“No, not details,” Fitz hissed, his gaze narrowed at Saint. “I mean, care to elaborate on how it went? Like emotionally, where are you at right now?”
“Emotionally, I’m a hot mess right now. I ran out on him, Fitz.
We had sex, and I ran out on him.” Saint groaned and dropped his head into his hands.
“I can’t believe I did that to him.” He lifted his head and met Fitz’s sympathetic gaze.
“Last night, I told him I was all in, I told him I wanted him, and when he gives me exactly what I ask for, I freak out and run away. I’m such an asshole. ”
“Honey, you’re not an asshole. It wasn’t great, but I’m sure Val will understand.”
“I told him I loved him.”
Fitz leaned forward, eyes wide. “And?”
“And, he said he loved me too.”
An excited squeal escaped Fitz, and he did some kind of happy shimmy in his seat. Flipping his hair away from his face, he put a hand on his chest. “I knew it was meant to be. I’m so happy for you.”
“I’m happy for us too. Except for the whole me-running-out-after-sex thing.”
“Right. Do you think maybe having sex with him made it too real? Not that it wasn’t real enough before. You don’t need sex to have a meaningful relationship. What I mean is that maybe by having sex with him, it sank in that you were in a relationship with a man.”
“I thought that was it, but…I don’t know.
It doesn’t quite feel right.” It made sense, but it also didn’t.
Being with Val made him happy, excited. He was also comfortable and never hesitated when Val kissed him or touched him.
With Val, his thoughts were never about what he was doing with a man.
They were about Val and how he never wanted the amazing feeling to end. “Why am I such a mess?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Talk to Val. I’m sure he’ll understand.”
“I know he will. He’s so good, and so patient, and just….” He sighed. “He’s so amazing. And I’m….” Old insecurities flooded back, and he frowned into his fancy coffee.
“What? What’s going through your head right now?” Fitz asked.
“What if I’m not enough for him? What if he thinks I’m not worth the trouble and leaves?”
Fitz sat up. “That’s it.”
“What’s it?”
“Oh, hon.” Fitz reached out and placed his hand on Saint’s. “You didn’t run out on Val because of the sex.”
“I didn’t?”
“No. Think about it. When were you last in love?”
Saint frowned. “With Alicia. My ex-wife.”
“You thought you’d found your happy ever after. And what happened? She left you. She fell in love with someone else. How did you feel after that?”
Saint arched an eyebrow. “Not great. I felt really shitty.”
“I mean, what ran through your head when she told you she was leaving you because she fell in love with someone else?”
Saint thought hard about that day and how it felt like his world was falling apart.
He’d known their marriage wasn’t perfect and that his being away for extended periods of time had often been the source of their arguments.
Still, when he returned home, the last thing he’d expected was a confession of an affair, followed by divorce papers.
Realization set in. “The thought that kept running through my head was that I hadn’t been enough. That I must not have been worth it.” A lump formed in his throat. “Holy shit, you’re right.”
The only time he’d ever been in love, he’d thought that was it for him. Then when his wife left him, he’d blamed himself. Because if he’d been enough, if he’d been worth it, she wouldn’t have fallen for someone else, right?
“I can see spending the rest of my life with Val. But I thought I had the same thing with Alicia and look how that turned out.”
“Val is not Alicia. Sometimes we have to lose something to make room for something even better. We might not know it then, and it hurts like hell, but we see the truth later. I thought my ex and I were going to get married. We’d been together ten years.
And as painful as that experience was, I’m grateful because the Universe put Jack in my path, and Jack is a good man who loves me and wouldn’t change anything about me.
When I moved, he saw how many clothes I had and told me to take the guest room closet.
He had no idea I would fill it with fluffy sweaters, but he didn’t bat an eye. You know what he did?”
“What?” Saint asked, unable to help his smile.
“He reinforced the closet rod.”
Saint chuckled. That sounded like Jack.
“Also, my ex hated dogs, and Jack loves dogs.” Fitz narrowed his eyes. “Never trust a man who hates dogs.”
Saint chuckled. “Duly noted. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Let me repay you.”
Fitz waved a hand in dismissal. “Don’t be silly. Besides, you already bought me a coffee and a tasty treat.”
“How about some tea?” Saint arched an eyebrow, and Fitz gasped. He leaned in.
“Tell me everything.”
“So, Leo had this dream….”