5. John
5
JOHN
“Doing okay, Johnny?” June plops down on a barstool. She just got off work at the Tie-Dye Diner, and between that and her shifts at Honeycomb with our aunt Dina, I don’t know how she always looks so bubbly and refreshed.
She’s always been that way, though, centering our family even during the worst tragedy. She lost her husband, the love of her life, and though she grieved for months, she also had Cain to raise. So she got out of bed and went to work and hasn’t stopped since.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I reply, keeping my lips in a neat, straight line.
She scoffs because she knows I’m full of shit. “You know perfectly well why not. The man you’ve loved your whole life is home for the first time in years.”
“Yeah, he is.” My heart knocks against my chest. “Came into the bar, we talked, and then he went on his way.”
She arches an eyebrow. “You’re acting cool as a cucumber, but I know you’re dying inside.”
“Right?” Jack says right on cue as he walks in with Aaron. “Don’t try to hide it.”
“What am I missing?” Aaron asks as he slides in beside Jack and June.
Jack kisses his cheek. “I tried telling you last night, but you were nearly asleep.”
Aaron’s voice is all low and seductive when he says, “Well, when you?—”
“We don’t need to hear it,” I interrupt, taking a step back. “It’s enough that you two can’t keep your hands off each other.”
June smirks. “Agree. Gross.”
“Whatever.” Jack rolls his eyes. “Anyway, Johnny’s ex is back in town.”
Aaron’s eyes widen. “Like, for good?”
“No, because his grandfather passed away.”
“Grandpa Malone raised him,” I add. “Well, that’s not totally accurate. But he saw him through adolescence.”
Aaron glances toward the parking lot as if Grandpa Malone might suddenly appear. “Have I met this man?”
Jack exchanges a look with June. “Likely not. He was a bit of a recluse.”
Aaron frowns. “That’s a shame. He was probably an interesting guy.”
I clear my throat. “Anyway, what can I get you? The usual?”
“Sounds good.”
I turn my back to grab him a bottle of his favorite beer, and it gives me some time to breathe. Was Old Man Malone an interesting person? Certainly. If you ever got him to open up. Micah comes from a long line of fishermen, and if my suspicions are right, Micah has already scouted out a watering hole in LA. Or maybe not. Maybe he gave it all up, even his favorite hobby, to pursue his dream.
I hand Jack and Aaron their drinks.
“So, you’re still married to this guy?” Aaron asks.
“His name is Micah. And yep. But it’s only a technicality.”
“Why separated and not divorced?” Aaron clamps a hand over his mouth. “Sorry, too curious for my own good.”
When Jack seems amused by his boyfriend’s nosiness, I scoff. “And yet,” I tell Jack, “you hate being the one under scrutiny.”
“You’re right, he does,” Aaron agrees. “But you two are different, so I thought maybe you’d indulge me.”
“I don’t mind.” I smile blandly. “Micah was going to file after the accident, but I was never served, and he never brought it up again.”
His brows rise to his hairline. “You have no desire to initiate the divorce yourself?”
“I’ve considered it over the years, but I don’t know. Maybe time got away from me. Maybe it’s not as big of a deal as people make it out to be. Besides, it’s not like I’ve…” I glance away uncomfortably. “Never mind.”
“That’s the most anyone’s gotten Johnny to talk about Micah in forever.” Jack clinks Aaron’s glass. “I applaud you.”
June snickers, then shoots me a knowing look. “I know how hard it is to let go of the love of your life.”
My pain is not the same as losing a spouse in an accident, but it still makes me ache all over. My stomach throbs even considering any sort of finality with Micah, but maybe it’s time to fully let him go.
“By the way, Micah is looking for someone to help him fix up Grandpa Malone’s house so he can sell it.”
Aaron’s eyes light up. “Really?”
“Apparently, it needs work.” I wince. “And not only because of all the junk that needs thrown out.”
“Well, I’d be happy to take a look.”
“Okay, cool. We can schedule a time to drive over there so I can introduce you.”
“Sounds good.”
The night gets busy, but I can’t stop thinking about Micah and how good he looked standing in my bar.
Back home that night, even more memories surface, especially since this is the place where Micah and I got our start as friends, then lovers, but also where we lived after returning from our Vegas trip unexpectedly married. I think about how young and innocent we were—at least in the sex department. In high school, Micah might’ve been known as the bad boy who was always in trouble, but he was only starting to explore his sexuality.
Soon enough we were sneaking around, trying to get any time together we could before our families found out. Not that they’d object, just that being in our secret bubble for as long as we could felt right to both of us.
My hands shake as I climb the trellis on the side of Grandpa Malone’s house. Once I make it to Micah’s second-story window, I knock lightly. It’s not like we didn’t plan this, but his look of surprise tells me he had his doubts. He carefully opens the window so as not to make too much noise, and I climb inside.
“I didn’t think you had it in you,” he says as my feet hit the carpet. It looks brand-new, as if his grandfather made some updates when he found out Micah was coming to live with him.
As he closes the window, I take in his room. A queen-size bed, a tall dresser with a television sitting on top of it and a gaming system underneath.
“This is nice.”
“Not any nicer than your room.”
“Except your stuff looks newer. My Xbox is old, and you have those fancy wireless controllers.” He looks away as if embarrassed his grandfather bought him stuff. Maybe because he works so hard on the docks. He’s in charge of the deckhands on a large ship called Calamity Jane , and they keep the vessel in tip-top shape. At least, that’s how Micah described it.
“I don’t care about any of this stuff. Except maybe the TV so I can watch whatever I want after he’s asleep.”
I smirk. “You act like you’ve found a porno channel or something.”
“Screw you,” he replies. “Maybe I have.”
“Yeah?” I sink down on his bed. “What kind of porn?”
“I was only kidding. Besides, anyone can find that stuff online.”
“True.” Though I suspect his grandfather would either have parental controls or keep a sharp eye out. He’s an intimidating man, which is why me showing up like this is tricky. I can’t believe I let Micah talk me into it.
It grows quiet and tense then, as if neither of us wants to make the first move. We kissed for the first time last week, and when he invited me over—to his bedroom by way of trellis—I figured he wants a repeat performance as bad as I do. At least I hope.
But this is about more than kissing. I look forward to spending time with Micah. He’s interesting and a good listener. Plus, he’s not bad to look at. Or stare at in history class, mostly because he sits in the row in front of me. I also like that he calls me John instead of Johnny—which lately sounds immature, especially when my siblings tease me.
“So what do you wanna do?” Micah asks, breaking the tension. “Video games? Since you’re eyeing the controllers.”
“Sure, but first I… Do you wanna…?”
“Yes,” Micah blurts out.
My stomach feels all funny as I give him a shy smile. I’ve enjoyed kissing and messing around with guys and girls before, but it’s never felt like this. Or maybe I just like Micah. Really like him. I can’t stop thinking about him and can’t wait to get to school to see him. I’ve never admitted any of that to him, and I don’t think he would ever confess anything like that to me.
But I can tell he feels the same. Because when he reaches out and cups my jaw, his fingers shake a little. Like he doesn’t want to scare me or hurt me. This time, he scrutinizes my face from my eyes down to my mouth, and when he brushes a thumb over my lips, I nearly melt from the inside.
Unable to hold back, I lean in, tapping my lips to his. As I draw away, his fingers tighten on the back of my neck, and then we’re kissing. Gentle and sometimes hard presses of our lips for who knows how long. But it’s when Micah’s tongue slips out and swipes against my mouth that I nearly lose it. I’m so hard from only his lips against mine and his hands in my hair that the added sensation of his tongue might make me embarrass myself in a different way.
French kissing can be sloppy—at least that’s been my experience—but as I part my lips and his tongue slides inside my mouth, it feels so soft and perfect that I shudder.
He moans as my hands find his face, and I smash our mouths together from pure want and maybe a little desperation. Our tongues stroke and battle as we both hang on to each other for dear life. Micah pushes me back on his bed, and as soon as our bodies align, I gasp into his mouth.
“Feels so good.” Micah’s as hard as me, but neither of our hands makes a move downward as we focus on kissing and burrowing fingers in hair. I’m so hard, I might combust, but somehow, I hold myself together as our mouths meet again and again. I feel like I’m floating and then drowning in him, and I never want to come up for air.
His grandfather’s voice calling him from downstairs is like a shock to my system. “Micah! Come help with the dishes.”
Micah immediately rolls off and swipes his mouth with his arm. His lips are plump, his pupils wide, and his hair a wreck.
“I should go,” I mutter as I stand and adjust myself. “Do you think he knows?”
He shakes his head, then yells through the door, “Coming!”
As I slide open the window, he asks, “Same time tomorrow?”
I glance back and meet his dreamy smile. “Sounds good to me.”
I blink out of the memory, then cut the light. My wish from back then eventually came true. I got to marry my best friend, even knowing that someday he might be gone. His dream was too big for Aqua Vista to contain it.
I sigh, wishing my mom and dad were here to give me advice. My siblings are great, but there’s nothing like Mom’s hugs.
Fuck, I miss them. We all do.
I shut my eyes and tell myself I’ll figure out this stuff with Micah eventually.
You know that saying—if you love something, set it free?
Even though Micah has returned, it still feels like it isn’t meant to be.