Chapter 13 #2
Unfortunately, Enzo finds me near the exit while I'm unlacing my rental skates.
"Still slaving away for the Havoc, I see.
" His voice is slick and cutting, his face twisted in a sneer.
"I'm sure you were mostly upset because you couldn't chase after the players and hover over them constantly.
You know you drag people down with all that smothering, right?
It's why I had to get out. You were suffocating me. "
The old wound splits wide open. My throat tightens.
"Enzo, did you come to this event just to be mean to me?"
He looks amused. "No. I rep a lot of the players on the ice. You're the one who isn't supposed to be here."
Fixing him with a look, I sigh, "I don't understand why we keep having the same argument. We're divorced. I swear, I hear more complaints from you now than when we were married."
Enzo looks over my shoulder, sucking in a breath. That's the only warning I have before Tropical Storm Silas rolls up, furious.
"Say one more word to her, loser. Do it. I'm begging you." Silas points a finger in Enzo's face. "I'll drag you somewhere private so I can put you out of your misery, you ugly sack of shit."
Enzo raises his hands in mock surrender, that smug smile still in place. He's flushed though, right around his hairline. That's Enzo's tell. He plays it cool, but I can see he's sweating.
He says, "Just a little friendly advice between exes, Huxley. No need to get territorial."
"Fuck off. I don't want to see you in the arena anymore, Morelli." Silas is spitting mad.
"For her?" Enzo snorts. "She's not worth it. But I guess you'll find that out for yourself."
Silas lunges toward Enzo, who stumbles back over a bleacher seat. When Silas bares his teeth, Enzo continues to back away.
"Are you okay?" Silas asks me.
Pressing my lips into a firm line, I nod. Silas doesn't wait around, choosing instead to follow Enzo out. Maybe he's making sure his agent really leaves.
The damage is done. I'm left trembling in the aftermath, my hands shaking as I finish taking off my skates. I don't know if Silas defended me because he actually cares, or if he just wanted to flex his power over Enzo. Either way, it leaves me unsure and confused.
An hour later, alone in my room at Silas's condo, I log the Mobility Monday data on my laptop. Two players mentioned their backs feeling better after the stretches I prescribed. Juliet cc'd me on a nice work email to the GM. Small victories that should make me feel proud.
Instead, I curl on my side with my phone clutched tight. The emptiness yawns wide in my chest.
Before bed, I unroll my yoga mat on the floor, trying to center myself.
The stretches are familiar, grounding. I move through sun salutations, warrior poses, breathing deep.
Yoga can't quite shake the feeling that I'm caught between two impossible things.
Two men who want me in completely different ways, neither of which feels complete.
I roll up the mat and tuck it away, no calmer than when I started.
Silas only half-claimed me tonight. He put his arm around me to make a point to Enzo, but didn't actually say anything about liking me or even being able to tolerate me. He's willing to say something to his agent if Enzo's downright rude to me, but that's all.
Money and career and Enzo being Silas's agent still chain him. I feel alone even with the memory of his hands on my waist burned across my skin.
So I do what I do best. When faced with the awfulness of my daily life, I retreat into the world I've created and open the dating app.
I know it's bad, but I need validation.
Yoga4Lyfe
Can I be the worst sexting buddy ever and just vent for a second?
After a few moments, I see the three dots appear. He's typing something.
StatMan12
Hello to you too. Vent away.
The speed of his response warms the frozen, achy place inside me. He may not really know me, but he's interested in what I have to say. At least, he pretends to be.
Yoga4Lyfe
Sometimes I feel like I don't matter. I'm always on the outside, my nose pressed against the window, trying to figure out how other people make connections.
Dots appear and disappear for a minute. Then:
StatMan12
You do matter. Every filthy thing you say to me, every confession, every want. You're perfect. If I had you in front of me right now, I'd show you exactly how much you matter. I'd worship every inch of you until you believed it.
I hide my face in the pillow, whispering, "Oh God". Heat rolls through me.
Yoga4Lyfe
I had a rough night. Someone said something that got under my skin.
StatMan12
Tell me who. I'll handle it.
The protective tone makes my chest squeeze tight. He can't actually handle it. He doesn't even know who I am or where I live or anything real about my life. The intent behind the words settles something in me anyway.
Yoga4Lyfe
My ex. He always knows exactly what to say to make me feel small.
StatMan12
He's an idiot. You're not small. You're not anything he said you are.
Yoga4Lyfe
You've never met me.
StatMan12
I know you're strong and kind and braver than you give yourself credit for.
Tears sting my eyes. I blink them back, typing with shaking hands.
Yoga4Lyfe
Thank you. I needed to hear that tonight.
StatMan12
Anytime. I mean it. If you need reminding, I'm here.
Yoga4Lyfe
I wish I could meet you. For real.
StatMan12: Soon. I promise.
Yoga4Lyfe
You keep saying that.
StatMan12
I know. I'm sorry. It's complicated right now.
Yoga4Lyfe
Is it? Or are you just scared?
The three dots appear and disappear several times. Like he's typing and deleting responses.
StatMan12
Maybe both. I don't want to ruin this by making it real and having it not live up to what we have here.
Yoga4Lyfe
Or maybe it would be even better.
StatMan12
Maybe I'd just disappoint you.
The vulnerability in that admission cracks something open in my chest.
Yoga4Lyfe
I don't think you could. I think you're probably amazing and don't even realize it.
He doesn't reply to that. I set my phone on the nightstand, not wanting to push too hard, and stare at the ceiling. Down the hall, I hear Silas moving around in his room. He's probably getting ready for bed. He’s certainly not thinking about me at all.
My lips part and a small, sad sigh escapes.
Two men exist in my life right now. Silas, who touches me in the real world but won't give me the time of day otherwise. And StatMan, who claims my attention through my phone screen but won't meet me in person.
I don't know which one of the men I'm more let down by. All I know is I'm tired of feeling invisible. I'm useful, but I'm not wanted. I can shrink myself to fit into tiny spaces, but they were never meant for me in the first place.
I set my phone aside and stare at the ceiling. The conversation with StatMan should've made me feel better, but it only highlights what's missing. He wants me through a screen. Silas wants me at arm's length.
Neither one is enough.