18
I don’t answer immediately. My stomach churns as I try to think, trying to form the words for the feelings I’ve been stewing in the last few days. Stephanie waits quietly, sipping on her drink. Eventually, the waiter shows up, sliding our orders in front of us.
I catch a whiff of my food, and my stomach rumbles. I haven’t been eating much since Friday. I didn’t realize how hungry I was.
I swallow the lump in my throat before I speak.
“I’m afraid of being left behind.”
Stephanie tilts her head in response. The seconds tick by.
“Lucy, why did you stop drawing?”
My eyebrows knit together in confusion at the seemingly random question. “What?”
“Why did you stop drawing?”
I purse my lips, then shrug. “Because no matter what I draw all I can see are the flaws.”
“Okay, but doesn’t art take practice?”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“How long did you work on your art skills before quitting?”
I take a frustrated breath. “I don’t know. I started taking it seriously when I was, like, thirteen, and I gave up when I was around sixteen.”
“Why did you give up?”
“I told you.” Now I’m getting annoyed. “I thought I wanted to have a career in art, so I worked my butt off trying to improve, but I never improved fast enough. All I could see were all the flaws in my work, and how much better other artists already were, and I just completely burned out. Drawing wasn’t fun anymore.”
“So you put all this pressure on yourself to be perfect immediately, and when you weren’t perfect immediately, you quit?”
I glare at her. “Are you having fun? Because I’m not.”
“I’m trying to make a point.”
“Then, what’s your point?”
“My point is that you’re doing the same thing to yourself right now.”
I grab a fry and start shoving it around the dollop of ketchup on my plate. “I don’t get it.”
“Clearly.” She shakes her head. “You’re putting all this pressure on yourself to be a success and have your whole life perfectly planned out right now, and it’s totally paralyzing you. You’re stressing yourself out and beating yourself up so much that you have no patience or capacity to actually figure out what you want to do. You don’t even give yourself the chance to try, because trying might come with making mistakes, and for some reason you seem to think making mistakes is unacceptable and that you should be perfect at whatever you do right away.”
I stop shoving the fry around as I listen.
“You’re acting like there’s only enough purpose and joy for a few people, and if you’re not fast enough, you won’t make it to the finish line before all the purpose and joy is taken,” Stephanie continues, crossing her arms. “That’s not how life works. Success isn’t objective. You don’t need to be rich, or famous, or have a social media worthy life to be successful. You just need to be you. That’s success enough.”
I stare at Stephanie, feeling something cold that had been stowing away in my heart start to melt.
“But… I’m just… me,” I say lamely.
“And I think you’re pretty great.”
I blink at her, then look down, feeling my eyes sting again for what feels like the millionth time in the past few days.
“I’m… not sure what to do next.”
“And that’s okay.” For the first time in our conversation, the slightest smile appears on her face. “It’s okay not to know what to do next. Life is like that. There are going to be plenty of times that things don’t go the way you thought, and you’ll have to start over. And, there are going to be times when they do. And sometimes it’ll be a mix. But guess what? Life goes on. And you’ll keep going, and you’ll figure it out. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to know every step. You just have to be willing to try.”
As I mull over what she said, the email I’d received from Fred all those years ago floats back to the forefront of my mind, the words taking on a whole new meaning to me.
“None of us really know what we’re doing,” I say softly. “We’re all just good at pretending we do.”
“Exactly,” Stephanie nods. “Stop pressuring yourself so much. Have some patience. Not just the patience to figure things out, but patience for yourself, too. It’s okay to make mistakes.”
“I’ve made a lot lately.”
“How so?”
I wince. “I made Jessie cry, didn’t I?”
Stephanie takes a sip from her drink, then leans back against the booth again. “Yes.”
“Shoot.” I frown, mentally berating myself. “I knew it. You know what else I did? I broke Jeremiah’s heart because I didn’t realize he had feelings for me. Like an idiot, I came out and told him I was dating Scott without giving him any warning. He’s been one of my best friends for four years, and now he won’t even speak to me. And then on Friday, when Scott was trying to make me feel better about losing my job, I totally freaked out at him and just walked out. We haven’t talked since. And I know Macy is going to be upset with me when she finds out… And the more I think about how I’ve treated everyone around me since getting my job, the more I realize I’ve been a terrible friend. I put Monica before everyone, and that was so… so messed up!” I let out a frustrated groan. “I used to think I was a generally nice person, but lately I just feel like I’ve been such a… such a…”
Stephanie’s eyebrows rise. “It’s okay. You can say it.”
I say it.
“Feel better?”
“No.” I grimace. “Actually, I feel worse.”
“Really? Cussing always makes me feel better.”
I shoot her a look and she grins, shoving some fries in her mouth.
“I’m kidding,” she says, wiping her hands on her napkin. “I don’t cuss anymore. At least, I try not to. Know why?”
I quirk an eyebrow. “Because you’re afraid of what your mother will say?”
“No. Because of you.”
“Me?”
“Mhm,” she nods. “After you moved in, you wouldn’t stop inviting me to church. So, one week I thought I’d go just to shut you up. That day ended up changing my life, and changing me. I’m a totally different person because of you. I’ll never stop being grateful for you because of that.”
“Oh.” My heart swells at the compliment, but I don’t know what to say.
“And you know who else absolutely loves you? Jessie. Ever since you helped her write her resume after she moved in, she’s been doing everything she can to get your attention. She looks up to you so much. And what about your coworker, Macy? You pretty much saved her wedding. All of us are grateful to have you in our lives, because you’ve been a good friend. And that was while you were working for Monica. Yeah, it sucked when you’d cancel, but we all understood. At least, I understood.” She taps the table with her fingers. “So you made some mistakes and hurt some people. Big whoop. Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. What matters is what you do after you make a mistake.”
Stephanie resumes eating. My brow furrows as I think over everything she said.
I think she’s right.
“Since when are you so… insightful?” I ask.
“I’m a fountain of wisdom. I just usually prefer to watch the world burn.”
“…What?”
“I’m kidding,” she grins.
“I don’t know if I believe you.”
Stephanie shrugs, and I can’t help but smile.
I scoop up some fries, finally starting to munch on my food.
“Thank you.”
Back at the apartment, I stop outside the door. Stephanie glances over.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing. Just a little nervous to apologize to Jessie.”
Stephanie shakes her head. “Don’t be. She’ll forgive you before you even finish the phrase ‘I’m sorry.’”
“You’re right…”
Stephanie unlocks the door and steps inside with me trailing behind. Jessie smiles and waves, but when she sees me, her expression falters.
“Hey, Stephanie! Oh, and Lucy!”
“Hi, Jessie,” I say. Stephanie waves and heads down the hall to her room. Jessie watches after her a little nervously. Great, is she scared of me now?
Thinking back, I did manage to scare the crap out of Melanie back at Macy’s wedding. Didn’t I make her cry, too?
Apparently, I have a talent for terrifying girls under the age of twenty.
“Could we talk for a minute?” I ask.
“Oh, yeah, sure!” She nods her head a little too quickly.
“Thanks.” I take a seat on the couch, awkwardly squeezing my hands together. Jessie is looking all over the room, anything to avoid eye contact with me. Clearly, she is the non confrontational type.
“I wanted to apologize,” I say, taking a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you the other night. And—”
“No, Lucy, you don’t have to apologize! I shouldn’t have—”
“Jessie, I know you’re going to say it’s fine, but it’s not.” I smile, trying my hardest not to be scary. “Like I was saying, I shouldn’t have snapped at you the other night, but there’s more. I… haven’t been the best friend to you. You’re always going out of your way for me, offering to pick up food or help me out when you can, or even just being crazy friendly and always inviting me to join you to do things. I never return the favor. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t treat you that way.”
“It’s okay, Lucy.”
“Can you forgive me?”
She looks like she’s panicking. “Lucy, you really don’t need to—”
“You can’t let people walk all over you, Jessie, including me. I do need to apologize, because you deserve to be treated better. So, can you forgive me?”
“Um…” Jessie hesitates, blinking, then finally, she nods. "Well, yeah, of course I forgive you.”
The tension in my neck and shoulders loosens, and I let out a relieved sigh. Even though I knew she’d forgive me, apologizing is never easy. “Thank you.”
“Mhm.” She glances at me, a curious expression on her face. “Um, so… is everything okay? You’ve seemed kinda off this weekend.”
“‘Kinda off?’” My lip quirks upward. “What gave me away? The fact that I hid in my room all day yesterday?”
“Sort of,” she smiles a little.
I lean back against the couch, sinking down until my neck is at a right angle from my body. I’m sure I look ridiculous, but that’s kind of the point. I’m tired of taking all of this so seriously.
“Well, Jessie,” I sigh, “it’s not good. I lost my job, and I may have lost my boyfriend.”
She gasps, crossing her legs underneath herself and spinning on the couch to face me. “You lost your job? Are you serious? What happened?”
“I wanted to change my schedule, but it didn’t work for Monica, so she let me go.”
“Oh my gosh, Lucy, I’m so sorry!” She hesitates for a minute before asking her next question. “What about Scott? What happened?”
I smile sardonically. “I was being hormonal.”
Her brow furrows. “Huh?”
“I was really upset about my job, and I lashed out at him instead of dealing with it in a healthy manner. Sort of like how I snapped at you,” I say, wincing.
“Oh.” She looks down in thought, her forehead still crinkled. “So… what are you gonna do?”
I sit up and shrug. “First, I have to finish out the month at work and train my replacement. I also need to find a new job. And, I need to apologize to Scott…” I trail off. Thinking about Scott, about him possibly calling it quits with us, makes me feel sick to my stomach. But if he does, I won’t blame him. I’ve been so much drama since our first date, and it’s all been because of my job. Walking out on him for suggesting it’s a good thing to lose the job that caused all the drama wasn’t my finest moment.
“Don’t worry, Lucy.”
I turn to Jessie, who’s watching me intently. “Hm?”
“Don’t worry. Scott will forgive you. There’s no way he won’t.”
She looks so freaking sincere. How is someone so sweet a real thing?
“Thanks, Jessie.” I smile, a real smile. “I don’t want to think about it anymore today. Want to watch a movie?”
She brightens. “Yeah!”
Jessie grabs the remote and puts on Clueless, which I will always argue is the Queen of all chick-flicks. I have it practically memorized, which ends up being a good thing, because despite what I said, all I can think about for the entire duration of the movie is Scott and what I’m going to say to him to apologize.
I really think I might just love him.
I steel myself as I walk into the office Monday morning. Whoever my replacement is, I’m about to meet them, and I’m determined to have a good attitude when I do. Even so, I’m struggling not to feel bitter about this whole situation.
I get to the office a few minutes earlier than usual, mostly because I have a feeling Macy will be wanting to talk with me. As soon as I open the door, she catches my eye and stands up, waving for my attention.
“Hi, Macy…” I try to act naturally, but even I can hear the awkwardness in my tone.
“What happened with you and Scott?”
I wince. Straight to the point this morning, I see. “What do you mean?”
“We had dinner with my parents last night and Scott was totally depressed, but he wouldn’t say why. He was supposed to bring you to dinner, so I’m assuming it has something to do with you.”
I take a breath. Macy is not happy.
“I messed up… we had a bit of a disagreement, and I just didn’t handle it well.”
“A disagreement about what?” she asks.
Just as I’m about to speak, the door to the office opens behind me. Macy’s eyes flit to the entrance, then her expression shifts to confusion.
“Melanie?” Macy crosses her arms. “What are you doing here?”
I whip around. Sure enough, standing there in the doorway is Melanie, the coordinator from Macy’s wedding.
Oh my gosh. Is she…?
Melanie’s eyes widen as she glances from Macy to me. “I’m starting work here today. I didn’t know you both work here.”
I can’t believe this.
“Oh.” Macy still looks confused. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware you were hired. Usually our office manager, Ellie, gives me a heads up. What position are you filling?”
I prepare myself for the words I know I’m about to hear.
“Um, I’m supposed to be Monica’s new personal assistant.”
Macy’s mouth falls open, and she looks to me. I do my best to smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes. My throat tightens as my new reality hits home once again, but I swallow the emotion down. Macy is about to say something. I make a slight motion to her not to make a big deal about it, that I’ll explain later.
“It’s good to see you again,” I say, turning to Melanie. “I’ll be training you for the next month. You’re taking over my job.”
Melanie’s eyes grow (impossibly) wider. “Your job?”
I nod. “Mhm. Come on, we’d better get started. There’s a lot to go over.”
Melanie is way in over her head, just like I was.
To be honest, before I came into work today, I was really struggling. At the sight of the office, I nearly got back in my car and drove home. I was let go—Monica is no longer my boss. So, why am I still letting her run my schedule? She has no right to decide I’ll continue on as her PA for another month to train my own replacement. She effectively fired me a month in advance. But I don’t want to burn a bridge as I walk away. And, when I realized Melanie is my replacement, the decision became easy. I’m staying another month.
My replacement being Melanie doesn’t make the fact that she’s taking over the job that I’m losing involuntarily hurt any less. But, somehow, it makes it easier for me to be kind and patient with her. I have a level of personal connection with Melanie, and she reminds me a lot of myself back when I started. I have no desire to make this any harder on her than it needs to be. She’s going to have a rough enough transition as it is. But, at least she’s receiving training. When Monica hired me, her old assistant had quit, and I had to learn on my own, on the fly. I wouldn’t wish that level of stress on anyone.
I’ll help Melanie as best I can. And, hopefully I won’t make her cry this time.
“…and then make sure you check your box at the front desk at the beginning and end of every day. Sometimes she puts things in there for you to mail out or take care of.”
“Okay.”
Melanie looks thoroughly overwhelmed. I put a pause on the exploding fire hydrant load of information I’ve just given her.
“Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it all. It’s just going to take some time,” I say, then glance at the clock. “You’re only supposed to be in until three today, right? You can head out. I’ll take care of the rest.”
“Thank you,” she says, standing to leave. She hesitates, like she wants to say something.
“You okay?” I ask.
She wavers in indecision, then speaks. “Do you… do you think I can do this?”
I blink in surprise, then rest an elbow on my desk as I look up at her.
“It’s not an easy job. You’re going to have to do a lot of things that might be difficult or new to you. And, you’ll have to be flexible. You need to set boundaries, and you’ll have to be honest and up front when you make mistakes, and be prepared with solutions. You’ll need to be persistent, and self disciplined, and you can’t slack off or put things off that you don’t want to do. Monica’s needs will come first, and you’ll be moving your schedule around often, because you’re always on call. You can’t expect to receive praise or thanks for doing your job. You just do it, because that’s what you’re here to do.” I tilt my head. “Do you think you can handle all that?”
Melanie stares back at me. “I don’t know, but…”
“I think you can,” I say.
She stops. “…Really?”
“Mhm.” I nod. “And I’ll help you be as prepared as possible. We have a month, remember? The first six months of any job are the hardest. After that, it gradually gets easier. If you stick with it, I believe you can do it. But, that’s only if you really want this job.”
“I do. I do want this job.”
I exhale, then give her a half smile. “Then you can do it.”
At that, she smiles and thanks me before leaving.
I know she can do it. She’s just like me. Or, rather, how I used to be.
Once she’s gone, I take a deep breath, leaning forward on my desk and rubbing my face in my hands.
That was tougher than I thought.
“Lucy?”
I glance up through slightly blurred vision to see Macy standing over me, a worried expression crinkling her forehead.
“Monica is letting me go,” I explain, once again offering that sad smile as I fight back the frustrating tears that resurface every time I share the news.
“What? Letting you go? Why? And how the heck did she pick Melanie to replace you?”
“Melanie is going to do a good job.” I lean back in my chair. “She was paying attention and taking notes. I think she’s going to do her best.”