Chapter 20
Sumner
I woke in the middle of the night on Sly’s couch.
He was on his back, one arm around my shoulders, the other tucked behind his head.
I was draped across him, one leg over his thighs, my hand and my face pressed to his chest. I could feel the steady rise and fall of his breathing, and that had been the thing keeping me calm.
But something was brewing inside of me, and I feared the worst.
The movie had finished hours ago, and the room had gone dim.
My eyes wandered around, taking in the empty bowls and the ice-cream tub still sitting on the coffee table.
When the tension inside my body increased, I tried to close my eyes and force sleep back on me, but the apartment was too quiet and my thoughts too loud.
Sharp memories started rolling through my mind, and none of them wanted to settle.
A slam of a door, an insult heard a thousand times, threats that made me want to run and hide.
I tried to force my thoughts away from the past, telling myself it made no sense to feel this raw when I was here, held in Sly’s arms and safer than I had ever been.
But the voice in my head didn’t shut up.
You’re not safe, it said. Not even with him. People change. Joey was kind at the start, too.
“No.” The word came out breathy. My muscles clenched without my permission, and the room felt too close. I couldn’t stay still. I had to get up.
I moved away from him as carefully as I could, not wanting to wake him, and started to pick up the bowls.
The cold under my bare feet felt like proof I was awake, but my mind was still fuzzy.
I went to the kitchen, threw the empty ice cream tub into the trash, then rinsed the bowls.
Cold water usually helped my head slow down, but the longer I stood there at the sink, the worse the feeling inside me became.
When the water stopped and the apartment fell silent, the panic found me again.
It started small and then grew sharper, with my chest tightening, my palms sweating, and my breathing growing short and fast, making the room tilt. My mind made everything worse. I thought about him, and the things he’d said, and how angry he used to get.
I started pacing until I was walking faster, with my hands starting to feel numb, and my heart hammering in my chest. I started talking to myself. “It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re here. He’s gone.” The words were supposed to ground me, but they sounded thin and fragile in my own ears.
I rubbed my arms to stop the shaking, but it didn’t help. Tears came, and I found myself repeating apologies I hadn’t meant to give. I was talking to myself, not truly feeling my body or mind.
“Sumner.” Sly’s voice sounded like it was coming from the end of a tunnel, but when I turned, he wasn’t far at all.
He was standing just a few feet away, eyes locked on mine, worry etched into his face.
I hadn’t noticed him getting up, but I hated the idea of being the reason for interrupting his sleep.
The voice in my head hissed again, sharper now. See? This is your fault. It’s one or the other. He’ll turn into the monster. Or you will. He’s already scared of you.
“No…no…” I whispered, stumbling back until my spine hit the cold door of the fridge. The jolt made my stomach twist, and I wrapped my arms around myself.
“Sumner, I’m going to come closer, okay?” His voice was calm, the opposite of the noise in my head.
“No!” The word burst out of me louder than I meant.
He’ll hurt you.
You’ll hurt him.
You’re the monster.
You’re the monster.
You’re the monster.
“I don’t want to hurt—” My throat closed before I could finish, and the rest of the sentence stuck inside me. My hands trembled. My whole body felt like it wasn’t mine anymore.
“I’m going to come closer,” Sly said again, his tone steady now. His hands lifted and opened, showing me he wasn’t a threat. “You’re okay. You’re safe. You’ll get through this. Let me help you, okay?”
“Please don’t hurt me,” I managed to croak out before my vision went dark.
Sly
I was usually a deep sleeper, but tonight, a strange feeling woke me. And I was glad it did.
I heard her rapid, uneven breathing before I sat up, and when I saw her standing in the kitchen, trembling and whispering under her breath, I stood up and walked over to her.
She wasn’t breathing right, and I didn’t have to ask to know that she was having another panic attack. My first thought was to figure out what had set it off and whether there was anything I could change to ease the panic, but she was already too far gone.
“Sumner,” I said softly, keeping a bit of distance because I knew she needed me to go slow.
Her eyes were wide as she stared at me, and she stumbled back against the fridge. “No…no…”
“Sumner, I’m going to come closer, okay?” I told her, keeping my voice calm but steady.
“No!” she squealed, shaking her head at me.
I hated this. Hated seeing her like this without knowing what had caused the attack. Even though I couldn’t be certain, I wanted to believe that it had nothing to do with me.
“I don’t want to hurt—” Her throat closed off, and she choked on her own words.
“I’m going to come closer,” I said again. I lifted my hands and opened them, showing her I wasn’t a threat. Though whatever was going on in her mind could’ve been the opposite. “You’re okay. You’re safe. You’ll get through this. Let me help you, okay?”
“Please don’t hurt me,” were her last words before her knees gave in, and her body dropped to the floor.
“Shit.” I moved quickly to be at her side and put my arms around her, pressing against her because I knew that helped. “You’re safe,” I told her, keeping my voice calm and steady. “You’re at my place. Just me and you. You’re safe.”
She shook her head, covering her ears. “You’ll hurt me,” she whispered. “You’ll change.”
That one hit deep, but I didn’t let it get to me. I knew she wasn’t talking to me, not really. She was fighting ghosts that looked like me in her mind, and the only way to reach her was through patience.
“I won’t. I’d never hurt you,” I said quietly, hoping my voice would get to her.
She was crying now. Her breathing was too fast, her chest rising in short, uneven bursts. I took a deep breath in the hopes of getting her body to follow.
“I’m right here,” I said again. “Can you feel me?”
She didn’t answer, but her hands curled around my forearms, which was a start. Her fingers were cold and shaking.
“Breathe with me,” I whispered, lowering my head so my voice was closer to her ear. “Can you do that for me, Sumner? Just breathe. That’s it.”
Her breath hitched, caught, then came again. Uneven, but slower. I tightened my arms around her again, and she didn’t resist. She just collapsed against me like her body finally gave up the fight.
“I’ve got you,” I murmured, holding her tight. “You’re safe. You’re okay. You’re right here.”
Her hands gripped my shirt like she was hanging on for dear life. Her whole body kept trembling, and her breathing still scattered, but she was slowly coming back to me.
“Hey,” I said quietly, brushing her hair away from her face. Her eyes were open, but her gaze was empty. “You’re okay, baby. You’re okay. I’m right here with you, and I’m not letting go. Not until you ask me to.”
Her lips twitched, but she didn’t reply, and her eyes stayed on the kitchen floor. She didn’t move in my arms, but I saw her toes curl.
“It’s cold on the floor. Can I take you back to the couch?” I whispered against her forehead before pressing a kiss to it. “I’ll carry you. You don’t have to walk.”
Her eyes closed tightly before they lifted to my face. Though she was looking at me, her gaze was still so empty.
“Yes?” I asked.
She managed the tiniest nod, and I smiled. “Good. Hold on to me.”
I carried her to the couch and sat down with her in my arms, wrapping her back up in the blanket we had shared earlier.
Her cheek pressed against my chest, her fingers still locked in my shirt like she didn’t trust the world to stay still if she let go.
I didn’t move. Didn’t talk much. Just kept one hand at the back of her head, the other rubbing her back in a soothing way.
Minutes turned into hours. The sky outside began to pale. Her breathing finally evened out, and now and then she twitched.
“Try to sleep,” I told her, and that got another reaction out of her. She dug her nails into my arms and whimpered. “I won’t leave you,” I promised her. “I will be right here holding you when you wake up.”
When her body finally relaxed again, I let my head fall back against the couch. I could feel the ache in my arms from holding her so long, but I didn’t care.
I stayed awake while she slept. Watched her chest rise and fall. Listened to every single breath she took.
She’d been through hell, but she was here now. And as long as she was in my arms, she’d stay safe.
That was a promise I’d keep forever.