Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
S moke fills the cold night air as I stare out into the darkness. I fucked up. How the fuck did I let this happen? How did I put my wife at risk like this? And how the fuck do I fix it?
Too many questions run through my mind. My lips close around my joint and I inhale deep, holding the smoke in my lungs for as long as I can. I need to escape, but there isn’t enough weed on this planet to escape the mess I’ve created.
Cammi is my entire fucking world. I cannot do life without her. And yet, I’ve gone and risked it all. Again.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” Her voice shakes me from my thoughts. I stub out my joint and stand up before walking her back inside. Out of the cold.
“Don’t come out if I’m smoking. You shouldn’t be around that shit,” I tell her.
“Then don’t smoke,” she counters, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her head rests against my chest. “I’m sorry you’re not happy about our situation, but we need to talk about it, Vin.”
“Not happy? Cammi, I’m never going to be happy when your life is at risk. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have let this happen.” I repeat everything that’s been running through my mind since we heard the news.
“Okay, now you’re being dramatic. My life is not at risk,” she says, pushing off me.
“Your heart could stop again. This could be too much for your body.” The image of a lifeless Cammi invades my thoughts and I try to shake it away.
“Vin, I’m pregnant. People get pregnant all the time. I’m going to be fine.” Cammi moves over to the sofa, tucking her legs up underneath her ass as she sits. “Is… Do… Are you upset that I’m pregnant because you don’t want kids?”
“What? No!” I move towards her. “Cammi, I’m upset because I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’re not going to lose me,” she says.
“You don’t know what could happen. We don’t know what could happen. Pregnant women are emotional. I know because I’ve watched both El and Daisy go through it. Your heart can’t handle the added stress.”
“My heart can’t handle the thought of losing a part of you, something we created together, out of love. Our baby is not going to cause me emotional stress,” she says. “I know it sounds silly, but I love them already.”
My forehead rests on her knees. “I love you,” I tell her.
“I know you do,” she says. “But don’t you think you will love your child too? Maybe even more than you love me.”
“That’s not possible.” I shake my head. “I couldn’t love anything more than I love you.” It probably makes me sound like an ass. But right now, I’d rip that kid from my wife’s body myself if I was forced to choose. Her or it. It will always be her.
“We’re going to be parents.” She smiles. “It should be an exciting time.”
“I don’t know how to be a parent. I didn’t exactly have a good example,” I mutter. “What if I fail?”
“You’re not going to fail. And you have me. You have our entire family. You’re already great with kids, Vin. You love your nephews. Don’t you think you’ll love this baby just as much?”
I nod. I know I will, but fear grips at my heart and won’t fucking let go.
“We will do this together, like everything. There isn’t anything we can’t do if we’re together.”
“What if I lose you? Do you know how many women die in childbirth?” I ask her. I looked it up. “Two-hundred and sixty thousand women die every year from the complications.”
“If that happens, and that is a big if , then you will have a piece of me in our son or daughter. You won’t lose me completely,” she says.
“Oh, fuck… It could be a girl?” I can’t raise a daughter. What the fuck do I know about girls, except that guys like me ruin them?
“Or a boy? Odds are 50/50, Vin.” Cammi laughs, placing her hand over her still very-flat stomach.
“Let’s hope for a boy. I don’t have enough guns for a girl,” I groan.
Cammi’s face screws up. “How about we just hope for a healthy baby?”
“And mum.” I lean in and press my lips against hers. “When are we going to tell the family?”
“Not yet. Let’s keep this ours for a little while. Besides, it’s still really early,” she says.
“Just ours,” I agree, and Cammi smiles.
“Vin… we’re going to be parents.”
I’m not going to lie. I have my doubts. I don’t want her body enduring any unnecessary strain, but I’m not an idiot. I know if I continue to press her about it, she’s going to think I don’t want kids. That I don’t want this baby. Which will make her sad. I can see how happy she is, even if we didn’t plan it.
“This baby is lucky to have you for a mother,” I tell my wife.
“Speaking of mothers, has Gio set up that meeting with yours yet?” she asks.
“Not yet, but she’s not my mother. She’s the woman who gave birth to me. There’s a difference,” I say. “Now, come on. Let’s go to bed.”
“Good idea, but you need to shower first. You smell like weed.”
“Join me?” I raise a brow. “Wait… Can we still do that?”
“Have a shower?” Cammi’s brows furrow.
“Have sex?” I whisper like the kid can hear us. “I should call Doc and ask him.”
“Don’t you dare,” she says. “We can still have sex, Vin. OMG.” She shakes her head at me.
“How do you know? Have you ever been pregnant before?”
“No. But I know you can still have sex. It’s common knowledge. Google it,” she counters.
“Fine, I will.” I pull my phone out of my pocket and look up “having sex with pregnant women,” only to realise those probably aren’t the words I should have used.