Chapter 31 #2
I know what’s happening. It’s as if I’m watching a man fall from a tall scaffold, down and down and to his death. But I stand here and I watch it. I let it happen. “I will find you a better man for captain. I recommend…”
Robin. It’s on the tip of my tongue. I want the freedom and the safety for him. I want him out of that hole. I want him to have some power, some agency, small as it is. The thought of him trapped in there with Jason and the others for another season, without my protection, makes me ill.
And worse than that, some sick part of me knows Robin’s the only answer that could get me out of this. To promise him Robin’s compliance.
Robin, so beautiful. So desirable. So fresh and popular. Coveted. I know the Emperor wants him. I thwarted him twice, and it’s only my body that stands in the way of it even now.
To promise him Robin in my place…
But every fiber of my being revolts. I can’t ever let Robin go through this—what I’ve dealt with all these endless years. Not once. He’s not going to touch him.
“Max,” I say softly.
The Emperor lowers his brow so deeply it’s almost comical. We both know it’s ridiculous. Max is a nonentity, besides not dying.
Yet I tell him, “He’s ambitious. A good fighter. He’s…”
He will happily fuck you every day for a piece of this luxury.
“So you’ve found me a replacement captain…”
He stalks toward me, and tonight, more than ever, I really think I might murder him. I could do it so easily.
“But that shouldn’t change anything between us…”
His hand lands on my chest, and the room spins.
I’m going to do it. Reach out and crush his windpipe.
Robin. Esme. Maria. Home.
“There is nothing between us.” The words, spoken low, are all that stop me strangling him on the spot.
“Beyond friendship,” I add. “It has been an honor to know you, to spend time with you. To serve you, my lord. However, I must plan for my future, and I want the final shows of the season to be the best they can be. To earn that freedom you’re so gracious to bestow upon me.
Therefore, I need to rest. To keep my energy in balance for the fight. ”
“Keep your energy in balance?” His gaze lowers over me, all at once disgusted and desirous. “Who is it? Who would you rather have warming your bed?”
“No one.” It’s a stupid answer, but it’s already out.
“I haven’t replaced you,” I rush to tell him.
“It’s… I’m just tired.” And as the admission slips out, so a fire burns at the back of my eyes.
“I’m tired. I’m… so tired. It’s been five years…
” It feels more shameful than everything I’ve done to cry in front of him.
To let him see this weakness. To let him have that too.
My last speck of pride. So I shove it down, down in the dark place where all my humanity goes and never comes back.
“I don’t want any man. I want to fight. And I want to win.
And I want to go home. And that’s what I’m going to do. ”
Still, he stands there. Still, he stares. “And it wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain blond-haired beauty with one golden collar, would it?”
My cold, black heart stops beating.
He can see it. He can see it all over me. That stab hit home.
“You see, I received some information today, which is what brought me here, actually.” He wanders the room as he talks, swirling his hands about as if I should be able to understand a word while my head spins like this.
“One of your men told the guards they were concerned by your… fraternizing with the men. One man in particular. They said they didn’t feel like it was an even playing field anymore.
They said you couldn’t be trusted to keep the game fair. ”
Jason. It has to be Jason.
Maybe Max…
“Well, do you see anyone here?” I bark at him, desperation turning to anger. “Look around. Would you like to check under my bed?”
But he does look around. Slides his eyes over the room as if he might find a tuft of Robin’s beautiful hair poking out of a drawer.
“There’s no one here,” I snap at him. “And do you know why? Because I’m fucking exhausted.
Because I go out there, and I almost die, over and over, every year.
Then you make me train these men, who become my friends.
Then you make me put a spiky ball in their brains.
And then you want me to suck your dick? Fine.
” I grab hold of the tie around his waist and drag him toward the door.
“Fine. Take me to your palace, my lord. I’ll get down on my knees for you like every other day.
But you know what? I won’t pretend anymore. ”
He smacks my hand away, drawing to a halt in the entranceway, his face a mask of revulsion, shocked at my outburst.
But I’ve started now and I can’t stop. “I won’t pretend I want it.
I won’t pretend I’m not sick and fucking tired and worn out.
That I wouldn’t like to just go to my own bed and sleep.
To sleep and pretend, just for once, none of this is fucking happening.
That I am my own man. That I have any sort of say, or freedom, or choice, in this fucking awful life you make me live.
Over and over again, this living fucking nightmare, and I hate it all so fucking much! ”
It’s only his mortified glance toward the door that makes me realize I’m yelling. That the guards outside can hear. That I’ve insulted the Emperor of Victora loudly, with abandon, in front of his own men.
Icy, creeping horror takes me. “Forgive me.” My knees hit the tiles, cold and sharp, and I bury my head in the folds of his robe. “Please forgive me.”
Fuck, what have I done?
I need to get home.
Robin can’t be here; he can’t see him.
Fuck. He’s going to kill me.
“Please forgive me. I’m so tired. I didn’t mean any offence. It came out wrong. I’m just…”
His hands clamp slowly but firmly around my wrists, and he drags my fingers from his silk like I’m living garbage. “You are tired. Not half the man I chose for this position.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I think it’s best you sleep now.”
I should call him back. I should take him to my bed and fix this.
But I can’t. Can’t do that to Robin. I can’t touch what we have. And I know this is it. I’ve done something horrible that jeopardizes everything I’ve ever worked for.
Yet even knowing that, the relief that floods me when the door clicks closed is a living thing.
Relief and horror, all curled up in one green, dying, wretched vine growing thorns all through me.
Then the soft touch of a hand in my hair. A touch I know like it’s my own soul.
I open my eyes, and Robin’s there. “I thought I should come in the back,” he says softly.
“You saw?”
He drops down beside me, threading his fingers deeper into my hair. “I saw it all.”
“I didn’t touch him.” All at once the tears burst out of me, and Robin pulls my head to his chest. “I didn’t touch him.”
“I know. Baby.”
“I couldn’t stand it. And I don’t know what I’ve done. To either of us. Robin, I don’t fucking know. What have I done?” I can’t speak over the pain in my chest, in my throat, over the tears that come harder than they have in five long years. I’ve thrown it all away. And I’ve done it for him.
“You’re going to die,” I whisper. “You’ll be dead in a month. And all of this…”
“It’s okay,” he whispers, but I hear the break in his voice too.
“I can’t do it. Because he’s not you. And Robin—”
“I know,” he tries to soothe me.
“I don’t think you can know.”
“I do,” he whispers. “Marco…” I pull up to look at him, to see his dark and tear-stained eyes.
“I… I wanted to say something. For so long now. I need to… apologize.” I try to turn away, but he brings a hand beneath my chin and holds me.
“What I said to you… about you and the Emperor… after the shower…”
‘Remember this moment the next time your emperor is fucking you.’
The words come back on me, the way they have a thousand times over, every time like he’s slipped the knife back into the old wound.
“Stop.” My voice is quiet but firm.
He shakes his head, pressing on. “I was angry. I'm so sorry, Marco. I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize what you were carrying, that whole time. And I wanted to hurt you. Because the thought of you with anyone else made me sick. Because I wanted you. Because I adored you.”
“It was never up to me.”
“I know that. I’ve known that for the longest time. And all I wanted was to take you away from it. If I could have—”
“You have.” My hand cradles his face, fingertips edging into his hair as his tears fall to mingle with mine. “It was for you. I couldn’t do it. And, Robin, I can’t stand for you to do it. I think I’ll kill him. If he lays a hand on you, I think I’ll do it.”
“Shhh.” He pulls my head against his neck, strokes his hand over my hair.
“This is too dangerous,” I whisper. “You and me. It’s going to kill us both.”
“No.” He shakes his head, then pulls back and pins me with those stormy eyes that I know now I’d do anything for. “You and me, we’re survivors. We’re going to get out of here alive, both of us. We’re going to make it through this. And one day, we’re going to be together. I promise you.”
I want so much to believe him. I want that dream. I need something to hold on to.
But even Robin can’t realize what I’ve done.
I’ll be lucky if I’m not thrown in the dungeon next to him tomorrow.
Or put in an unwinnable match, executed for the Emperor’s pleasure, and they’ll call it sport.
I’ve lost us this dream.
All because I love him too much.