Chapter 24
TOMMY
The thing about having obsessive-compulsive tendencies is I rarely vacillate … on anything. That includes my emotions—especially anger. Once I’m pissed, I’m pissed . It can take days for me to shake the stabbing irritation of whatever upsets me.
Hearing Danika downplaying our relationship to her mother sank me into a foul mood.
Irritation and stress amplify my compulsive behaviors, which means running the course of a routine once isn’t enough.
The cloying need to repeat and recheck tasks I’ve already completed screams so loudly in my head that I can’t focus on anything else.
Feeling compelled to give in and allow Danika to see my inability to control myself made my mood infinitely worse.
I didn’t want her to see that side of me. The sickness.
Every second I spent on my insidious rituals, I berated myself for ruining my chances of Danika ever wanting to be with me.
How could she? I know how ridiculous my compulsions seem to the people around me.
I see the looks people give me. Even my family.
Just because I keep doing it doesn’t mean I don’t care about the disapproval.
I keep doing it because I have to. I don’t know how to make myself stop.
The epitome of weakness.
I was certain any progress I might have made with her was being demolished with every second that passed.
When I got into bed for the final time, I was furious with myself and knew I’d likely need to get up to run my routine again but swore I would wait until she was asleep first. I expected her to pull away when I joined her in the bed, but to my amazement, she didn’t.
What’s more, she voluntarily curled her body around mine.
Every acrid thought I spit at myself was drown into silence by her healing touch, as though the anger simply disappeared.
Danika had me experiencing such a whiplash of emotions I felt like I’d just taken my first steps on land after spending a year at sea.
She has to be some sort of goddess from above.
There’s no other explanation for the power she holds over me.
It’s not just my obsession for her—she pulls my strings in places I didn’t realize strings existed.
A perfect example is my inexplicable desire to wait for sex until we’re married.
I’ve never once in my life considered that remotely important.
Not until Danika. I feel a strange fear that if I don’t make her mine in the proper order, I’ll lose her.
It doesn’t make any sense, but my compulsions rarely do.
I have to commit myself to her in an oath of marriage before her body can be mine. It’s as simple as that.
Following through is a whole lot easier knowing I won’t actually have long to wait. I’m so close to having everything I want that I go to sleep swathed in an unfamiliar sense of hopefulness.
Morning is filled with getting Petra moved to a safe house, which turned out to be a hookup pad used by one of our guys before he recently got married.
I’ve decided to keep that little tidbit to myself.
It has all the basic necessities, and he assured me the sheets are clean.
Would I trust his assertion if it were me staying there?
Probably not, but my standards are stricter than most. I figure Petra will survive.
“Where to now?” Danika asks, noting we’re headed away from home.
“Staten Island.”
“What’s on Staten Island?”
“Not what. Who.”
She cocks her head to the side in playful disapproval. “Okay, then. Who is on Staten Island?”
“My mother.”
“Oh!” She stares straight ahead out the windshield, though I can tell she’s not paying attention to a single thing in front of her. What I wouldn’t give to hear the clambering thoughts so obviously bouncing around her head.
“Last night, when we were eating, it occurred to me that if we’re getting married, you should meet my mom.”
“Right,” she says distractedly. “And what about your dad?”
“He died almost five years ago, not long before Sante and I went to Sicily.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.” She’s quiet for a bit before continuing. “When you say Sicily, you mean Italy, right?”
“Yeah, that Sicily.” I can’t help but grin. She’s so damn adorable.
“How long were you there?”
“Four years.”
“ Really ? That’s so long—oh my gosh, tell me you learned to speak Italian.” She says it with such enthusiasm that it’s infectious.
My heart thuds in my chest as if trying to show off its strength, preening from the attention.
“Ti direi qualsiasi cosa tu voglia sentire, se questo significa che mi guarderai così per sempre.”
I’ll tell you anything you want to hear if it means you’ll look at me like this forever.
“Oh, Tommy. It’s beautiful ,” she breathes.
“Non è niente in confronto a te.”
It’s nothing compared to you.
Danika sits back in her seat with a happy sigh. “Someday, I’m going to go tour every museum in Italy. I want to see all the art and immerse myself in the culture.”
“Il tuo desiderio è un ordine.”
Your wish is my command. And I mean it. I’d take her to the airport now if I could, but I know she’d never leave the country with her family in danger.
“What did you say?”
“I said you’d love it there.”
“I bet I would,” she adds dreamily. We spend the rest of the car ride in comfortable silence, each of us captive to our thoughts.
Danika gapes out the side window when we pull into the driveway of a white stucco mansion complete with geometric sections of glass block windows that would look perfectly at home in a 1980s Miami Vice episode. “Is this where you grew up?”
“Yup.” If she thinks the outside is something, she’ll lose it when she sees the inside. Dad had a flair for the dramatic. He strongly believed appearances were everything.
If they think you’re a king, that’s what you’ll be.
I used to hate when he’d say that, but as I’ve matured, I’ve come to accept that he wasn’t entirely wrong.
I knock on the door, expecting Mom to see it’s me through the cameras and unlock the door.
Instead, the intercom pops on and off, letting through a few clips of hushed voices.
I start to reach for my gun, worried there’s a problem inside, when the door flies open.
Mom and my sister Terina stand opposite us, wide-eyed.
“Tommy, you’re here, and you brought someone.” Mom’s words reek of hopeful anticipation. It’s a bit insulting.
“I did. How about we come inside, and I’ll introduce you.”
“Oh! Yes, my God, where are my manners?” She shoves Terina aside and steps out of the way.
The grand entry is plenty large for all of us and then some, with a crystal chandelier hanging from the two-story ceiling above and a curving staircase built into an alcove off to the side.
The floors are glossy marble, and the white walls and windows make for perpetually bright surroundings. It echoes. I was never a huge fan.
I place my hand on the small of Danika’s back and keep her close. “Mom, Terina, this is Danika. We’re getting married, so I thought you might like to meet.”
All three women stare back at me, and I have no idea why.
“What?” I ask.
“You’re getting married?” Mom breathes. I can practically hear the tears pooling in her eyes. I’m twenty-five, yet she acts like I’d joined the priesthood.
“She’s marrying you ?” Terina blurts, then instantly clamps a hand over her mouth. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
My lips part to unleash a scathing rebuke when Danika’s hand presses flat on my chest in a possessive gesture as she scoots even closer to me. I swear she casts a spell with that hand because she sucks the wind right out of me, anger included.
“We totally understand,” she says with a smile. “It’s all happened very quickly. I’m so sorry to catch you off guard like this.” The thing about Danika is she doesn’t just handle the slight with grace. She seems genuinely unruffled by their comments.
Mom plows forward and pulls Danika into a suffocating hug. “Oh, Dani. We’re absolutely thrilled you’re going to be a part of the family. Is it okay if I call you Dani? You should call me Zuzu. My name’s Azzurra, but everyone calls me Zuzu. It’s easier.”
Danika is sucked from one hug into another as Terina takes her turn.
“And I’m Rina. No reason to be formal around here.
” She takes Danika’s hand and grins. “Come sit and tell us all about yourself and how you two met. Ma, why don’t you grab that tea from the fridge? Tommy, help her with the glasses.”
Terina is three years older than I am. I’m not sure if it’s that or the fact that she’s the youngest girl, but she’s always run the show.
When her husband passed away unexpectedly, not long before Dad died, she seemed to get even more bossy.
I need things to be a certain way in my life, but Terina tries to control the entire world around her. It’s got to be exhausting.
Watching her makes me wonder about Danika and how she’d feel if something happened to me. I’m not sure I like the answer either way. I wouldn’t want her heart broken, but it might be worse to think she’d be relieved to be rid of me.
The thought is an insidious virus that takes root in my brain.
I want Danika to want me and not just be resigned to her situation. But how can I make that happen when I don’t know how to be anyone other than myself? If I could have changed, I would have done it long ago.
I set the four glasses on the coffee table, then pour the tea while my mother dishes tea of her own. An entirely different kind of tea, that is.
“I was just so surprised because Tommy here has never brought anyone home, and not just girls. He never even brought a friend over his whole childhood.”
Danika smiles and nods. “I wasn’t social as a kid either. I had a speech delay after losing my hearing in my left ear when I was an infant, and it took a while to overcome some of the resulting challenges.”
And she did overcome. All I see when I look at her is radiant perfection.
“That’s awful. What happened?” Terina asks.
“I got a CMV infection from my mother at birth. It’s one of those viruses that isn’t dangerous for adults, but a small percentage of newborns can end up with hearing loss. Mom felt horrible when they confirmed I’d lost hearing, but I’m just so grateful it was only one ear.”
Her father abandoned her. Kids likely teased her. She had speech delays and who knows what other difficulties, yet somehow, she’s not remotely bitter. That shit could have scarred her, but her positive nature kept her focused on the light instead of wallowing in the dark.
I’m not the greatest at optimism, but at the moment, I can hardly believe my luck that this incredible creature tumbled into my world. And she’s agreed to be mine.
I’ve got to find a way to make her want me so she never decides to leave.
Not that I would let her go.
Danika is mine .