Chapter 32
“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.”
—SENECA THE YOUNGER
I was still furious with Ramel for the stunt he pulled at breakfast, but as we followed Shem into the library, I was forced to put my anger aside.
The library was like nothing I had ever seen before. I couldn’t tell if there was no ceiling or if the ceiling was just made of glass. The endless night sky twinkled over us, and it felt like walking into a solarium. Lacquer-black bookshelves spiraled upwards like we were inside a macabre conch shell crusted with books instead of sand. Little floating green flames bobbed around the ethereal midnight space, illuminating cozy nooks that had been cut directly into the floor or the walls for reading.
The floor in the center of the cylindrical space was what really took my breath away. The library was divided by several indoor canals filled with black, sparkling water. There were even little bridges in place to make it easier for guests to travel through the space. In the center of the main floor was a massive, circular glowing dais. The light that shone from the raised moon-like platform leisurely bled from gold to violet to green and back to gold again.
“Wow…” I breathed, and both Ramel and Shem smiled at me, their expressions kinder than usual .
“We figured you would like it,” Shem said, touching my chin gently. I jerked away from him, and he dropped his hand and frowned. Thankfully, he didn’t comment. Instead, he turned to Ramel.
“I think you should give Lil a tour and explain how things work here. As we go, we might find some interesting reading material.” He gave Ramel a mischievous grin. “You never know what the library might show you.”
A sinister smile curled across Ramel’s face. Shem winked at me, and I gasped as he suddenly shifted into his cat form, trotting off into the stacks. The sight of him in his cat form sent a twinge of sadness through my heart. I missed having him as my cat. He had been the one comfort and constant I had in life, and now that was gone too. Forcing myself not to allow my thoughts to show on my face, I turned to face Ramel.
He threaded his fingers through mine and tugged me deeper into the space, heading down to the main floor in the direction of the glowing pedestal.
I peered down into one of the canals that seemed to be running with black ink and gasped again. Inside the black water were glowing, orb-like organisms. They reminded me of jellyfish, the way they dreamily bobbed and flowed through the water.
“What are those?” I asked breathily, enthralled with the beauty of it all.
“Souls,” Ramel replied, smiling at me. He was watching me absorb my surroundings with such a tender, affectionate look on his face. I realized he was really enjoying this, which surprised me. I knew he liked to hurt me, but I hadn’t expected him to also enjoy showing me beautiful things.
I frowned at him, turning back to peer into the inky water again. One of the souls bobbed merrily through the channel like a little amoeba.
“Are they bad souls?” I asked, curious as to why they were in Hell.
“Not all of them. Souls come here immediately after death, and my team sorts them for judgment. The ones that pass the criteria provided by Yahweh are sent to Heaven for a brief period of time before being reincarnated. The rest of them… Well, we’re in no shortage of playthings. They wait in the sea of souls for myself or one of my fallen to choose them for their turn to be tormented.” He gave me a dark look, and I narrowed my eyes on him.
“Like how you torment me?” I asked, unable to keep the sadness out of my voice. Ramel stepped closer to me and curled his finger under my chin, tilting my head up to face him.
“No, Lilith. Not like how I torment you.” His expression grew serious, and his eyes dropped to my mouth. He leaned forward and pressed his lips softly against mine, gently stroking my jaw before pulling away. “What I think might help you, Lilith is a change in perspective,” he said, tugging me away from the edge of the channel and steering me toward the large glowing dais in the center of the room .
“What is this?” I asked, feeling my eyes widen as we approached the slowly shifting light.
“This is what we call the catalog,” he explained, waving a ringed hand over the light. Suddenly, a holographic image of a girl a little younger than me appeared.
“You seem to be upset with me for killing everyone you’ve ever known,” he mused, and I snorted.
“You’re right; how unreasonable of me.” I rolled my eyes, and he cut me an amused glance.
“I’m sure from your limited mortal perspective that it seems horrible, and you must think I’m an evil, terrible being for taking their lives.”
I narrowed my eyes on him. “I think you’re an evil, terrible being for many reasons, Ramel. Killing everyone I have ever touched is only one of them.”
He chuckled. “Fair enough, deathtrap.” He gestured to the hologram of the girl before us. She had a kind smile and warm eyes and was speaking to someone not depicted in the hologram. He snapped his fingers, and text appeared next to her with several numbers and statistics.
“This is the soul that occupied the body of the woman that birthed you. She’s been reassigned to this body. She’s inhabited this body now for sixteen years. It took Yahweh a few years to get her back out into the world, but she’s been doing well in this new life.”
My jaw hit the floor. “Wh- what? Does that mean this is...?” I gaped, and he turned to me, an amused grin cocking his mouth.
“Yes, this is your mother. Well, in a way.”
He waved his hand, and the hologram disappeared, with a tiny fetus appearing next. He snapped his fingers, and more text and stats showed up next to the little peanut-sized human.
“This is Sam. I felt bad that day I taunted you about his death, so I put a rush on him. He’s already been reassigned.” He pointed to one of the numbers that had manifested next to the little bean. “Sam is a young soul. This is only his third reincarnation. I know you thought the sun shone out of his ass, but he was going to make a lot of mistakes in his life.
“The more times a soul is reincarnated, the more residual knowledge they accumulate and the better their lives tend to be. You likely won’t believe me, but trust me when I say I did him a favor.”
I was absolutely floored. I couldn’t believe what he was showing me. He allowed me a moment to absorb what he had just said before waving his hand again.
“Several of your foster parents have been reincarnated, and several have not,” he continued, his expression darkening.
I swallowed, glancing at him. “Why not?” I whispered, taking in his now cold and angry expression. The next image that manifested before me was an image of a couple. They had been one of my first placements and had died in relatively brutal ways.
The man, Mr. Hammel, if I remembered correctly, had been a construction worker and had been killed on-site in an accident. Mrs. Hammel had been stabbed by a mugger on her way home from work one day. I didn’t remember much about staying with them. I had been very young.
“What are you doing to them!” I gasped. They were shackled together to a wall, and both of their sparkling, holographic intestines were spilled out over their laps.
I tried to back away, but he snatched up my wrist and pulled me forward. He gripped my chin and forced me to look at the horrifying scene before me.
“I don’t know if you remember, but he came into your room late one night when you were six years old. I watched him stroke you over your blankets several times before he left. He had a conversation with his wife afterward. They discussed their plans for you. Plans that involved a video camera and a padlock.”
My heart skipped a beat in my chest, and my blood ran cold.
“They did what?” I was horrified.
“You would have been their first victim. Several of your other guardians were repeat offenders. Those were the homes you spent the least amount of time in. Normally, I am not permitted to take souls that have not yet expired. However, Yahweh made an exception for me when it came to you.”
I turned away from the hologram of the tortured souls and looked up at Ramel. He met my gaze, his eyes swimming with an intense mixture of anger, possessiveness, and something a little more tender.
“Why?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
He slipped a hand around my waist and curled a finger under my chin, rubbing his thumb along my jaw.
“I don’t know. He took you out of purgatory and planted you in this body twenty-one years ago. He told me I needed to condition you because you were to take my place. I resented you for it at first.” He glanced up at the hologram behind me, frowning. “I should have known it was something more when I felt the need to protect you. I told myself that it was because you were mine to torment, and I didn’t want to share your pain.”
“Ramel…”
He looked back down at me. “While that is still true, I have come to decide that you will also be mine to pleasure. I am sorry you have been lonely, Lilith, but I am not sorry for keeping you for myself.” He rubbed a thumb over my cheek. “I don’t trust Yahweh or His plans. He pulled you out of purgatory and spun you into a mortal body, but I don’t think you are mortal.”
My heart was pounding in my chest. “What do you think I am then?” I asked, feeling short of breath suddenly.
His eyes flashed, and he gave me a deadly smile. “Yahweh does not keep mortal souls in purgatory. The only beings that find themselves trapped in His crystal bowl of nothing are the damned. I think you are like me and Shem. I think you belong here, with us.”
My head was swimming. That wasn’t possible. I wasn’t damned! My entire life suddenly flashed before my eyes, and the cold truth of it all settled over me.
Was I damned? It would make sense. Of course someone who was damned would have led such a cursed fucking life.
“What? Why? Why am I damned? Why did Yahweh want me to take your place as Death? Why was he having you condition me?”
“That is what we are here to hopefully find out. I only have a thousand years of memory available to me. Hazai is not able to talk about what happened before my memories go dark, but I suspect it has something to do with you.”