Chapter 58
“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”
—PAULO COELHO
I woke up to Ramel stroking the side of my face. Blinking lazily, I moved to sit up.
“Ramel — what?”
“Shhh,” he whispered into my ear, pushing me gently back into the bed. He laid a trail of hot, wet kisses up the side of my cheek to the corner of my mouth. “I’ve missed you so much, Lilith.”
I squirmed beneath the weight of his body and slid my hands up to his tattooed chest. I pressed against him to try to give myself room to breathe, but he tightened his grip on the side of my face and growled.
“Just lie still, deathtrap. Let me hold you.” He kissed me again, pulling my bottom lip into his mouth gently. “If you’re good, I’ll take you outside today,” he murmured against my lips, causing me to whimper against him.
Curling his fingers deeper into my hair, he pulled my head back, exposing my throat to him. He licked a hot line up my neck from my collarbone to my jaw, then bit me hard enough that I squeaked. The sharp pain sent a direct line of ecstasy to my core.
“Fuck, Lilith. I want to devour you.” He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. There was a fire that hadn’t been there all the other times I had woken up in this bed with him. There had always been a dark, burning obsession, but now there was something more complex lurking in the depth of his crystalline hazel irises.
“I’m so sorry,” he breathed, and I felt a stinging pain erupt in my throat at his words. I didn’t know what he was apologizing for. There were so many things that it was impossible to know which transgression or betrayal he regretted.
“For what?” I whispered back, and he stroked the side of my face tenderly.
“I let you down. I wasn’t able to protect you when you needed it most. I let him win.”
I knew he was referencing the time when we had supposedly been in love, but his words didn’t resonate with me. I couldn’t remember any of the things they told me had happened. The pure look of love and devotion emanating from him was making it nearly impossible for me to hold onto the memory of the monster who had tormented me since the day I was born.
“You’re mine, Lilith.” He cupped my face firmly to punctuate his words. “I’ll never let him take you from me again.” He pulled back and rubbed the tip of his nose against mine, leaving another wet, possessive kiss on my mouth.
“Did you hear me, Lilith?” His lips were so close that we shared a breath. My skin was on fire, and there was a small twinge in the back of my mind… a tickle of some forgotten memory. “Tell me you understand.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. The small, nagging memory danced just out of reach, and my heart tightened with it. His scent, his breath, the feel of his hot lips on my skin, and the way his voice cracked when he said my name all felt like notes in a sad, forgotten song.
I couldn’t say what he wanted me to say. I wasn’t an object or a thing. I didn’t belong to him. I didn’t belong to anyone.
He slid his knee between my legs and nudged me open, settling his hips between my thighs. I gasped and instantly felt a rush of wetness pool as the tip of his cock rubbed against me. Without warning, he pressed deep into me, causing me to catch my breath. He held himself above me and kissed me again and again as he thrust in and out of me.
I realized with a start that the weight of his body was starting to feel comforting, and his scent was now familiar. Someone who had always represented fear and pain was now beginning to make me feel safe and wanted. He had ruined me, only to turn around and save me, and I found that I no longer knew what was right and what was wrong. I wasn’t even sure I cared. I just wanted to feel, and if there was anyone who knew how to make me feel, it was Ramel. I was just never sure if he was going to make me feel pleasure or pain. Sometimes, he managed to blend the two so expertly that I wasn’t sure it even mattered.
He rolled his hips into me, and the bed dipped beneath the force of his slow, leisurely thrusts. He was everywhere, all around me. Every inch of me was surrounded by him, and all I knew was his touch and the burn of his ownership.
There was no escape.
There would never be an escape. My life began and ended with Ramel fucking Endlyne, whether I liked it or not. The sick truth was I was beginning to think that I didn’t want it to end.
He wrapped the hand that wasn’t tangled in my hair around my exposed throat and squeezed. I gasped against his grip. My face flushed with blood, and my chest shuddered. I couldn’t breathe. He increased the pressure until I choked, and he left slow, wet kisses over my gasping mouth.
“Tell me you understand that you belong to me, Lilith. You’re mine .” He sounded desperate. Like he needed me to admit it. It was as if he had been waiting to hear me say those words for an eternity. When he slammed into me again, I couldn’t even whimper with his hand wrapped so tight around my throat. Darkness began to tug at the edges of my vision, and just when I thought I was going to pass out, he let go. I frantically gulped back mouthfuls of air as he stroked the side of my face tenderly. I felt another hot rush of wetness with the sudden release of my throat. It somehow made the languid roll of his hips feel even more euphoric, and I felt the familiar burn of an orgasm begin to build low in my abdomen.
“Tell me what I want to hear, Lilith, or we’ll do that again.” He nipped my chin sharply as I gasped. The heavy burn that sat low in my hips was simmering, and my whole body was on fire. I knew he would choke me again and again until I gave him what he wanted.
I looked at him; his gorgeous hazel eyes hovered inches away, and I swallowed.
“I’m yours. I belong to you,” I whispered, and the look on his face was so intense it made me shiver. He sat up slightly and wrapped his tattooed hands around my waist, pulling me roughly into him as he thrust forward. I cried out at the intensity of the sensation. Placing one hand on my shoulder and pressing the other one on my abdomen, he increased his pace into an unforgiving rhythm. Soon, all I could hear was the sound of flesh slapping against flesh as he ruthlessly fucked me, pushing that burn past the plateau it had been hovering in and driving it toward a full-body orgasm.
“Good fucking girl,” he growled, pressing harder on my abdomen. I realized with a start he was pressing my G-spot more firmly against his cock to make it easier for him to force the orgasm. “You were fucking made for me. Look at you.”
The feeling was so intense, and it was building so quickly that it was almost too much.
“Ramel, I can’t — ” I gasped against the earth-shattering roll of pleasure that was teetering just on the precipice of completion.
“Yes, you can. Let me watch you, Lilith. I want to feel you fucking come. ”
Unable to stop myself, I let go. The pleasure pulsed through my entire body, and my eyes rolled back into my head. I screamed as he continued to pound into me, my body jerking with each thrust. He slapped the side of my breast and squeezed it as he found his own release. I felt him explode inside me, his cock throbbing as he filled me up.
He grunted as he stroked us both through it and collapsed on top of me. I was gasping for breath still. He kissed and sucked up the side of my neck, a deep growl rumbling in his chest.
“I’m going to keep you safe, Lilith. I promise.” He nipped at the corner of my mouth and pressed his fingers into my jaw, turning my head to face him.
I stared at him as he stroked the side of my face and drank me in.
“How can I trust you after everything you’ve done to me?” I whispered. I felt like I was floating in the aftermath of the orgasm he had given me, but he was so sincere and earnest that I suddenly wanted to hear from his own mouth how he expected me to move on from everything he had done to me. I knew he had his memories back, and he seemed to regret his actions, but I still only knew him as a monster.
Reaching out a trembling finger, I touched his cheek, shuddering at the roughness of the stubble I found there. He closed his eyes and pressed his face into my hand. For a moment, he stayed there. Finally, he swallowed and caught my gaze once more.
“I don’t need you to trust me, Lilith. I just need you to stop fighting this. The trust will come in time. Just stop making me hurt you and submit.”
The small hesitant piece of affection that had been trying to bloom in my heart suddenly froze over. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Who was I kidding? He wasn’t any different. He was the same. My captor. My demon.
“Can’t you see that’s the very reason I can’t?” I whispered. “You say you love me, but you can’t force me to love you back, Ramel. I’m not making you hurt me. You can choose to stop. You can let me decide for myself what I want instead of forcing your will upon me.”
He brushed away my tear with his thumb, bringing it to his mouth and licking the salty drop away. For a moment, he looked so sad it nearly broke my heart, but I steeled myself against the unwarranted feelings of compassion for the monster who had spent my whole life destroying me.
“If you’re looking to trust me, Lilith, then you can trust this: I will never stop trying to force you to love me. I will push and bend you to my will until I’m the only thing you see and the only one you want. One day you will willingly be mine again. Until then, I will take whatever parts of you I can steal because I promised you forever, and forever starts today… whether you’re ready for it or not.”
I stared at him, not knowing how to respond or how to feel about what he had just said .
“Now,” he continued, stroking my face again gently, “open your mouth and stick out your tongue.”
I tried to argue, but he shoved two fingers down my throat. I coughed and jerked away, but he slipped his other hand around the back of my neck and held me still. I panicked and struggled against him, but he just held me tighter, forcing me to swallow his fingers.
“Shh, shh. Breathe. You’re alright. This is nothing compared to what this throat is going to swallow later. Try to relax,” he murmured. He watched me carefully as I worked to calm my breathing. I forced myself to still, and he pressed his fingers deeper, causing me to whimper.
“There you go. Good girl.” He pulled his fingers out slightly before sliding them back down my throat. I closed my eyes and did my best to breathe through my nose. “Now that I have your attention,” he chuckled, and I glared at him while he slowly fucked my throat with his hand.
“Listen closely because I’m only going to say this once. How the rest of this day goes will completely depend on you. Shem and I have plans to show you the rest of Hell. We’re preparing for Samhain and your birthday. I think you’re going to really like what we have planned for you. However, if I get any more attitude, I will chain you to the bed and fuck the back talk right out of you. Is that understood?”
I wanted to bite down on his fingers but knew all that was going to get me was tied up. Instead, I nodded. He smirked at me and pulled his fingers out of my mouth.
“Let’s give you a test, shall we?”
I scowled at him but kept my mouth shut.
“Who do you belong to?” he asked.
“You,” I bit out, and he nodded.
“That’s right. If I tell you to do something, what are you going to do?”
I winced but told him what I knew he wanted me to say. “Do it.”
“What if I tell you to do something you don’t want to do?”
I sighed, “I’m going to do it anyway.”
“Are you going to complain and whine about it?”
“No.”
“That’s right. You’re just going to obey.” He stroked the side of my face and kissed me gently. “If you can be good, I promise we’re going to have a really nice day, deathtrap.”
“I don’t understand how you could tell me that you love me, then treat me like I’m your property or something,” I said softly, and he pulled me into him, kissing me gently on the top of my head while he ran his fingers through my hair.
“It’s because I love you that I treat you like this.” He pulled back and curled his finger under my chin, tilting my face up. He placed another devastatingly gentle kiss on my lips. “You’re human and fragile, and right now I know what’s better for you than you yourself do. I refuse to let anything happen to you before Samhain.”
I scowled at him. “And what’s your excuse for the rest of it?”
He chuckled softly and tapped my nose. “As for the rest of it, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to wait three more weeks to be with you. When you get your memories back, you’ll understand. I’ve waited over four millennia to have you back in my arms. I refuse to wait another second.”
I searched his eyes and realized with an aching sadness that he was telling the truth. He loved me in his own fucked up way. I knew there was a difference between love and obsession. What Ramel felt for me teetered on the edge of both.
“I don’t want to have to punish you, deathtrap. That doesn’t mean I won’t if you make me. So, please. Be a good girl so we can enjoy the day.”