Chapter 79
“I’m not okay because you’re not okay.”
–SAM WINCHESTER, SUPERNATURAL
A fter I showered, Shem slinked off to ensure everything was being prepared correctly for the festivities later that night, and Ramel followed me like a shadow to the bedroom.
“What do you want to do today?” he asked, and I couldn’t help but raise a surprised eyebrow. It wasn’t like him to let me take control and make my own decisions. But there he was, standing quietly with his hands in his pockets, looking genuinely interested in what it was I wanted to do.
“Uhm. Well, maybe we should take it easy if it’s going to be a late night?” I wondered, and he nodded, giving me a soft smile.
“We can do that.” He slid closer to me, curling a finger under my chin, tilting my face up gently. “Will you let me spoil you today?”
I felt the corner of my lip twitch up at the way he phrased the question. It was a far cry from when I had found him brooding by the fireplace, and he had threatened to chain me up and spoil me until I rot.
“What has gotten into you?” I asked, my voice coming out quieter than I intended. There was a pregnant pause and a heaviness that built between us when, finally, he shrugged .
“I’m trying to find some semblance of balance with you,” he said, and for what felt like the thousandth time that morning, he glanced at my thighs, his gaze burning into the slowly healing cuts beneath the leather of my pants. “I’m never going to be… easy on you,” he murmured, “but I don’t want to be so hard on you that you feel the need to escape. I want you here with me.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, and his voice became rough with an emotion I couldn’t place. “I want you to want to be here with me.”
His admission shocked me. It was the first time he had given me any indication that he cared about what I wanted at all. He absorbed the surprise that I was sure had splashed across my face, and he sighed. “I’m fucking in love with you, Lilith. I want you to remember that you love me too. I don’t know how to do that, but I’m hoping you’ll let me try.”
I felt my mouth open and close as I struggled to find the words to respond. He gave me a sad smile and ran his thumb delicately over my bottom lip.
“Don’t look so shocked, deathtrap. I can be nice if I want to be.”
“Can you?” I finally whispered, and he gave me one slow nod.
“If you’ll let me.”
“Okay. Show me,” I challenged, and he rewarded me with a dazzling smile, lacing his fingers through mine.
“First, let’s get you something to read that’s not a dusty old history book.” He smirked and led me away to the library.
Ramel took me to a section of a library filled with romance novels and slid his hands over my hips as we perused the shelves.
“Make sure you pick the smuttiest one.” He smirked against my ear from behind, and my cheeks flushed as he pulled one off the shelf in front of us. “This one looks good; the back says it’s about a mercenary who hunts and stalks a man who runs a funeral home. Instead of killing him, they fall in love, and they have a bunch of kinky sex.”
“I’m not reading that!” I exclaimed nervously, and he turned me around to face him, grinning like an imp.
“And why not? Can’t be any more depraved than our story.” He smirked, and I rolled my eyes, still blushing.
“You’re right about that.”
After he misted some of the most taboo romance novels I had ever laid my eyes on back to our room, he took me to the kitchens. They were bustling with activity. Demons were working in perfect, albeit urgent, harmony. They responded in sync to the orders of the head chef, getting things ready for the night’s festivities .
“I feel like we’re intruding,” I whispered to Ramel, looking around anxiously. The chefs reminded me of soldiers, receiving their orders and responding in perfect choreography. Everything was spotless and pristine; no one was smiling, and each face was schooled into an expression of intense focus.
I felt like a fish out of water, like I didn’t belong.
“Don’t be ridiculous. This is your kitchen, your house. They are here because of you ,” Ramel assured me, planting a gentle kiss on my temple from behind.
“Besides, we won’t be in their way. There’s a small prep kitchen back here we can use.” He led me through the lines and pushed past a pair of industrial swinging doors to reveal a small space that had a prep area, a stove and oven combo, as well as a sink and a full walk-in fridge and freezer.
On the stainless-steel prep counter, I noticed a neat pile of raw ingredients. There was a selection of different proteins, grains, spices, and condiments. I felt like I was a contestant on a cooking show for a minute, and my entire body lit up with excitement.
“I don’t know shit about cooking,” Ramel said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “So I didn’t know what you would need. I just told the chef to set you up with enough options so that you could make whatever you wanted. If there’s something you need that’s not here, I can get it for you.”
“You want me to cook?” I asked, turning to stare at him skeptically. He gave me a hesitant smile, looking slightly unsure of himself for a minute.
“I thought you might like to. You haven’t had a chance since you… since I…” He cleared his throat, clearly unsure how to refer to the fact that he had abducted me and held me captive against my will for the past several weeks. He gestured to my thighs, and that pained look swam across his face again. “Maybe it’ll help, I don’t know. Clear your head.”
I stared at him, absolutely dumbfounded. This was actually sweet and thoughtful.
“Did you have a brain transplant?” I asked in disbelief, and his expression soured. I immediately regretted my words as the vulnerable look melted off his face, and he scoffed.
“Forget it. It was stupid,” he grumbled, turning to leave. I quickly grabbed his arm and tugged him back toward me. To my surprise, he let me. I looked up at him and saw a small, hesitant flicker of hope flash in his eyes before he seemed to brace himself for whatever it was I was going to say.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
He searched my face, and I gave him a gentle smile, letting him see how much this small gesture meant to me. “This is amazing. Thank you.”
He stayed silent for a long beat before allowing himself to smile back at me.
“So you like it?”
I nodded. “Very much.” I let go of his arm and grabbed one of the aprons hanging on the wall by the prep table. “What should we make? ”
He barked out a strangled laugh. “Who is this we you speak of? I can’t cook for shit.”
I smirked at him and tossed him an apron. “No, but I can. Looks like you’ll be taking orders from me for once, Mister.” I teased, and he gave me a dark look before cracking a playful grin.
“Mmm, yes ma’am,” he purred, hooking the loop of the apron over his head and wrapping his arms around my waist. He tugged me in close and pressed a slow, intimate kiss on my lips. I moaned and melted into him, inhaling his familiar frankincense scent and enjoying the peppermint on his breath.
Finally, he pulled away, his eyelids heavy and hooded. “What is it you would like me to do, deathtrap?” he murmured, his voice husky. “I’m at your disposal.”
I leaned in close, just grazing my lips against his, my own eyes hooded from the intimacy of the kiss. “I want you to…”
“Yes…?”
“Get to work carving up that pork shoulder. We need it cut into two-inch cubes. After that, mince up some garlic and onion. I’ll get started on the lemon grass curry.”
He barked out a surprised laugh and shook his head, but to my delight, did exactly what I asked.
Together, we finished preparing a Thai pork curry that even Gordan Ramsay would have been proud of. Once it was simmering merrily on the stove, I stepped back with a satisfied smile, inhaling the sweet scents of lemongrass and coconut milk. My gaze caught on a small frame mounted on the wall above the industrial stovetop, and I gasped.
Pinned against the black velvet interior of the frame was the spoon I had engraved for Mike. Ramel immediately noticed my change in mood, and before I knew it, he was curled around me from behind, his chin resting on the top of my head. We looked up at the little framed spoon together, and I held back tears as he traced featherlight circles across my abdomen over my apron.
“It was Shem’s idea. We wanted to give you this space so you have somewhere to go when you’re missing him.”
My whole body felt like it was buzzing with electricity. Somehow, my blood still felt cold in my veins, and my breath seemed permanently caught in my chest. I turned slowly in the circle of Ramel’s arms and looked up at the demon who had brought me so much pain but was now clearly trying to do everything in his power to fix what he had broken.
“I know I can’t bring him back, Lilith.” His words settled over me, and I shuddered against the weight of them. There was no reincarnating immortals who were unmade. Once they were gone, it was over. It was forever. The tears that filled my eyes shivered but didn’t fall. He ran his thumb over my cheek anyway, as if he could brush the phantom tears away. “I know nothing can make it better. But I hope this at least helps you feel like you’ve honored his sacrifice.”
I swallowed and once again, found myself at a loss for words. With shaky fingers, I reached up and touched his stubbled cheek, sure that he could hear each beat of my pounding heart.
“Thank you,” I whispered, and he gave me a dark, sad look.
“Don’t thank me, deathtrap.”
I frowned at him, and his hazel eyes darkened further. He pressed me tight into his chest and kissed the top of my head firmly.
“I haven’t even come close to earning it, but I will,” he promised, and for the first time since I had learned who he truly was, I believed him.