Chapter 31
Kate
I fucked up.
She’s been avoiding me after last night. She still sits close by, but she’s tense, guarded.
I don’t want to push her if she’s not ready.
So eventually, I sent myself to bed, back to the door, though sleep was restless. The sun poking through the dirty window wakes me up too early, and I already know it’s going to be a rough day.
Turning over in my sleeping bag, Jordan is already up, her own rolled away and her backpack all set. I kick my way out, getting myself ready for the hike. I had snagged a discarded map of the trails, and we have a ways to go.
After getting myself together, I steel my spine and clear my throat. “Hey,” I say before I can chicken out. “I just want to say…I’m sorry for yesterday. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”
Jordan stops what she’s doing and blinks at me before running a hand through her white hair.
“I should be the one apologizing. You caught me off guard, and I shouldn’t have reacted like that.
It wasn’t fair. The reason I don’t want you touching me is…
” She huffs a harsh breath. “It’s hard for me to not remember being in the cave.
Being surrounded by all those people, shoved close together. ”
She pauses, looking like she might vomit. She takes a few deep breaths before continuing, “Being touched brings back those memories.”
My heart lurches. I think about how she reacted when I asked her about it, when I tried touching her.
“That’s okay,” I say awkwardly, because I’m not even sure how to respond.
How awful, how terrifying, I’m so sorry, all sound like empty words when words can’t even describe how horrifying that must have been. She looks over at me and the vulnerability on her face physically pains me.
“There’s a lot of fucked up things I’ve experienced, but that one haunts me the most.”
I nod, trying to stop myself from bursting into tears. Crying while someone else is divulging something traumatic is the last thing I want to do.
“I appreciate you telling me,” I choke out. “I can’t imagine going through that.”
Jordan’s face relaxes at my words. We stand across from one another in silence, both of us burdened by immeasurable pain. My fingers twitch to touch her, to comfort her, but I stop myself. She may never be ready for me to touch her, and that’s okay.
I step toward her, fighting the urge to reach out and grab her hand. “I won’t do that again,” I promise. “We can go at a pace that is best for you.”
Jordan’s eerie eyes soften as she reaches forward, gently tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I would like to try. Eventually. But not today. And I swear to never hurt you.” Her face grows somber, intense. “Hurting you is the last thing I want to do.”
If this had happened a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. But here, now, my heart pounds at her promise.
“Deal.” I grin, which earns me a smile.
I realize, against my better judgment, that maybe I want to stay with her. That maybe I can go back, help with the cure, and we can still be together. I can cure Harry, and he’ll stay with us. Things can finally be normal again.
It’s not helpful to do this to myself. Maybe I’m a masochist. But as I look over at her, I decide it’s okay to imagine it, even if it’s only for one night.