Chapter 20
Sofia
Angry tears slid down my face as I paced the length of the bathroom, which, given its size, was only a few steps in either direction. My mind raced a hundred miles a minute, but I didn’t know if I was more angry at Kai’s not-so-brilliant plan or at Miles’ unwavering hatred toward me.
If I were honest, though, my anger was aimed at my own stupidity. Why on earth had I taunted Miles? I should have known that him fucking me wouldn’t have changed anything between us; his hatred toward me was deep-rooted, and nothing was going to change that.
A gut-wrenching sob worked its way free, and I jammed the heels of my palms into my eyes to stop more tears from falling.
Why did I have to feel this way about him?
Why couldn’t we have met for the first time in Papa’s conference room?
Why had I lied about my age and who I was four years ago?
Why did Theo have to feel as strongly as he had about me?
Why, why, why?
Never in my life had I wanted to reach into my chest and rip my own heart out more than what I wanted to right then.
As if my current state of torment wasn’t enough to handle, my brain unhelpfully chose that moment to remind me of Papa’s threat toward Rafe if I didn’t get myself pregnant, and nausea began to churn as I remembered that Miles had fucked me without a condom.
My mind spiraled. What if one time with Miles led to me getting pregnant? What sort of environment would it be to raise a child when their father couldn’t stand to be in the same room as their mom? What sort of mother would I be, when given the choice, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted children?
It was too much. I darted to the toilet, coughing up the acidic bile that burned my throat on the way out.
More tears cascaded down my cheeks, only now, they were tears of sorrow.
My entire body sagged with defeat. I’d tried so hard to just keep going, but I didn’t want to do it any longer. I couldn’t.
I never asked for this life, and I didn’t want it anymore.
Enough was enough. This wasn’t a life I wanted to live.
A life where a father ordered his daughter to spread her legs for the sake of strengthening family ties.
A life where a husband couldn’t bear to be in the same room as his wife for more than a few minutes.
A life where I was nothing but invisible.
Maybe if I wasn’t here, I’d finally find peace.
Over the years, I’d thought about suicide on more than a few occasions. I wondered if my mom would be waiting on the other side or if there was simply darkness. A black hole where you spent all of eternity feeling nothing.
As much as I’d thought about what it would be like to end my life, I’d never gone any further. Something always held me back, maybe from fear of the black hole, or perhaps I held onto a tiny ray of hope that my life would one day change.
And it had changed. But not for the better.
Hovering over the toilet, watching the bile I’d expelled swirl with the water, and with my head in turmoil, the black hole didn’t seem so scary anymore.
Anything was better than this life I’d been cursed with.
With a wave of determination, I wiped my hand with the back of my mouth and stood before moving over to the little cupboard in the bathroom. Opening the door, my eyes darted from one item to the next, searching for razor blades.
Slitting my wrists would be painful but quick. And once it was done, I wouldn’t have time to change my mind. I could watch the blood flow from my veins as the darkness claimed me.
Disappointment weighed heavily on me when I came up empty.
Until I opened the second cupboard, where a bunch of blister packs were stored.
Tablets would take longer, but they’d have the same effect, and maybe they wouldn’t hurt so much.
I could swallow them down, close my eyes, and drift off peacefully, never to wake again.
With shaky hands, I grabbed the packets and read over the labels. Morphine. Oxycodone. Codeine. Each pack held at least twenty tablets, but I didn’t know if that would be enough to stop my heart from beating.
But I knew what would help if I could find some.
Shoving the packets back in the cupboard, I unlocked the bathroom door and headed straight to the kitchenette, determined to find what I was looking for. Miles had moved to sit in front of the computer, his fingers tapping furiously at the keyboard, but pausing as he tracked me.
“What are you doing?” he asked as I started opening cupboards. When I ignored him, he stood, and in less than a few strides, he was behind me. “Sofe! I asked what you’re doing?”
“Looking for alcohol,” I replied nonchalantly, ignoring the way butterflies fluttered in my stomach at him calling me Sofe.
He’d called me that in the car too, when he’d squeezed my knee and promised me that he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me.
A stupid lie I believed. He hadn’t included himself in that statement.
He tutted. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“I don’t give a damn what you think,” I retorted, reaching up to the cupboard over the sink but finding it filled with tinned goods.
“You won’t find any.” He crossed his arms over his broad chest as he watched me search, his eyes narrowed on me.
No cupboard went unchecked in my quest, and reaching the last one, I was about to give up, and hope that the tablets alone would work on their own, when I hit the jackpot. A sad smile lifted my lips as I grabbed the bottle of vodka and stomped past him, ignoring the flash of worry on his face.
At least, I thought it was worry, but I knew I was kidding myself. The only thing I was certain he was worried about was me getting drunk, stripping down to my underwear, and humiliating myself like I’d done on our wedding night.
Soon, he wouldn’t have to deal with me making a fool of myself ever again.
Miles followed several steps behind me as I darted into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it as he tried to put his foot in the gap to stop me from closing it.
His fist collided with the door, a deafening thud echoing around the small space. “Open the door, Sofia!”
Twisting the cap off the bottle, I ignored him and took a sip, grimacing at the burn of the alcohol as it slid down my throat. The neat vodka was enough to make me want to vomit, but I sucked in a breath and waited for it to settle in my stomach.
“Jailbait! Open the fucking door,” Miles roared, rattling the door handle.
“Go to hell,” I muttered, grabbing the blister packets from the cupboard.
Not giving myself a second to change my mind, I tore four codeine tablets free and shoved them into my mouth, downing them with a mouthful of vodka. Once they slid down my throat, I ripped another four from the packaging and swallowed them as a sense of peace finally descended through me.