December

Chapter 24 Open Bruises

When we stepped out of the café, I surprised even myself by pulling Finn into a hug. He didn't hesitate, just held me tightly, steady and warm in a way I didn't know I needed until that moment.

I breathed out shakily. "Thanks. For listening."

"Anytime," he said softly, letting me go first so it wouldn't feel like he was holding on too long.

As I turned to head home, my heart gave a sharp jolt. Ryder was there. Standing by the lamppost a few feet away, watching us. The look on his face was like a punch—pained, raw, but carefully restrained.

He turned his eyes away the second mine met his, but he didn't leave. Instead, he fell into step beside me without a word, walking me home. The silence stretched, tense and humming with something unspoken. The air between us felt charged, my chest tight with everything I wasn't saying.

Finally, I blurted, "Finn is just a friend."

Ryder's mouth curved into a small, almost sad smile. "You don't need to explain yourself, Dec."

"No, really. I mean, yeah, we went on a date—"

I heard his breath catch, sharp and involuntary.

"—but that was it," I finished quickly.

He let out a long exhale, running a hand through his hair.

"Dec... I don't have any right to be upset that you moved on or met people or even if you had a baby with someone else.

I only want you to be happy even without me because nothing—" His voice cracked just slightly.

"Nothing will ever change how I feel about you. "

"You can't keep saying stuff like that," I snapped, my voice sharp, trembling with something between anger and fear.

"It's real," he said, calm but firm.

"Well, I don't believe that!" My words came out louder than I intended, jagged and raw. His eyes widened, a flash of hurt crossing his face. He swallowed, running a hand through his hair.

"Okay... okay. Let's just... go somewhere we can talk."

We walked in silence, tension coiling between us with every step, until he led me to a small park a few blocks away. A bench sat under a lamppost, the fading light spilling over the grass like liquid gold. He gestured to it, voice soft now, tentative. "Please sit," he said.

I hesitated, then lowered myself onto the worn wood, my chest tight with words I hadn't yet dared to say.

"I think... we need to talk," I whispered, my throat raw, my hands fisting in my lap. "Really talk. About everything. About... us."

"Okay," he said softly.

"I can't let it fester any longer, Ryder. I am so hurt." My voice shook, but the anger underneath it burned steady. "You have no idea."

His eyes flickered, like a shadow crossing over a flame. "I do.."

"NO, YOU DON'T!" The scream tore out of me before I even knew it was there.

People walking their dogs on the path turned to look, but I didn't care.

It ripped up from somewhere deep, somewhere I'd kept locked for years.

My hands were fists at my sides, my nails biting into my palms. "You don't know how I spent my whole life feeling less than—just the ugly duckling, the curvy friend, the kind, funny but stupid, na?ve girl everyone accepted but no one wanted.

I never felt beautiful." My voice cracked. "Never."

I pressed my hand to my chest like I could hold myself together, but the words kept spilling, bitter and hot.

"And maybe you think it's shallow, maybe you'll always see it as vanity, but it isn't, it's carved into me, it's the ache I've carried my whole life, the hunger to feel wanted, to feel beautiful, to feel like I mattered, and I never had that, not once, not until you. "

My vision blurred. The trees, the sky, even his face went watery.

"When you touched me, when you looked at me, I felt, for the first time, beautiful and desired.

I finally wasn't invisible." My voice broke into a sob, but I pushed on.

"until the moment we stepped outside. That's when I vanished.

I was a ghost next to you. Insignificant because I didn't matter, and I kept telling myself maybe that's all I deserve.

Maybe that's all I'll ever get. Maybe that's fine. "

I was shaking, my whole body trembling with rage and grief. My hands clawed at the air as if I could rip the ache out of me and throw it at him. "But it's not fine, Ryder" I spat, my throat raw. "It was never fine. Do you hear me? Never!"

I stood up, tears streamed hot down my cheeks, and still the words came, jagged and furious.

"All I wanted—all I ever wanted—was to feel loved.

To feel wanted. Nothing more. I didn't need fancy dinners or trips across the world.

I didn't need some picture-perfect fairy tale.

I just needed to know I mattered. That I was seen.

That when you looked at me, you weren't ashamed. "

My voice cracked into a sob, but it only made the anger sharper, more blistering.

"Yes I know Ryder, I know what was happening with you and I am so sorry, but at that time, I didn't! I just felt I was the shadow, the secret, the nothing you shoved in the dark.

Do you understand what that does to a person?

Even now that I know the truth, I still fight the horrible feeling of knowing and feeling that I am good enough to touch in private, but not good enough to stand beside in the daylight? "

I pounded my fist against my chest, the force making my voice shatter. "That was not love! That was cruelty and selfishness."

He stepped closer, slow, like he was approaching a wounded animal, his hands open but shaking. Tears had pooled in his eyes, clinging to his lashes before slipping down his cheeks. His voice came out rough, almost hoarse.

"The fact that I made you feel this way.

.." He stopped, swallowed hard. "That will always be my biggest regret.

" His chest rose and fell like he was holding back a sob.

"I will never stop being sorry. Not in a week.

Not in a decade. Please—please believe me when I say this, Dec.

.. I love you. I have always loved you. I've always found you irresistible, magnetic, breathtaking.

Those moments when it was just the two of us, those weren't scraps.

That was the realest part of me. The only part that wasn't choking on fear.

That was me without the burdens. That was me feeling safe and in love. "

My throat closed, my voice coming out like a ghost of itself, thin and trembling. "You didn't say it back that night."

"I didn't," he whispered. His eyes dropped to the floor, his shoulders caving inward, "God, Dec.

.." His lips trembled, his hands curling and uncurling at his sides.

"I was dying to say it back. It was right there, on the edge of my tongue.

Burning a hole in my chest. Eating me alive.

" His voice cracked; a harsh breath shuddered out of him as he raked a trembling hand through his hair.

"But I couldn't." He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Because I was a liar. Because I was a coward.

Because I'd built my whole life on silence and secrets and pretending I wasn't drowning.

I wanted the first time I said it to you to be clean.

To be real. To be a free man, a whole man—not a coward still shackled to Mira's control, still crawling through the wreckage I'd made.

You deserved all of me, Dec." His voice broke into a ragged whisper.

"And back then..." He swallowed hard, a tear slipping down his cheek.

"Back then, I was nothing. A shell. A man who mistook surviving for living.

A man who clung to you like air but didn't know how to breathe.

" He looked up at me then, eyes glassy, voice a confession and a plea all at once.

"You deserved better than a ghost pretending to be a man. "

My voice rose, cracked, then broke apart. "That's why I was your dirty secret."

His head snapped up, panic flashing across his face.

"No," he said quickly, words tumbling out, almost frantic.

"God, Dec—no. There's nothing dirty about you.

Nothing dirty about us. Don't ever think that.

" His voice trembled, almost broke. "I wasn't ashamed of you, I was ashamed of ME.

I told myself I was protecting you. I told myself keeping you in the shadows was safer for you, and maybe that sounds like the cheapest excuse.

Maybe it is. I know you're thinking, why didn't I just end it and fight my way back once I was free?

Why didn't I come to you whole, instead of breaking you too? "

His chest heaved, words spilling out ragged, uneven.

"But Dec... back then my mind wasn't mine.

Abuse warps everything. It twists logic until survival feels like the only thing that matters.

I wasn't making choices, I was clawing for air and in the process.

I was selfish. I see that now. I see how much it cost you.

Back then, everything was fog and fear."

"You could have told me!" My voice cracked like glass, sharp and splintering. "You should have told me! I had no idea I was in danger, Ryder. No idea what you were dragging me into. You were selfish. You were just thinking about yourself!"

His face crumpled, and when he spoke his voice was barely a whisper, trembling under its own weight.

"Yes," he said, nodding once, eyes glistening.

"Yes, Dec. I was selfish. I admit it. I needed you.

I needed the moments of quiet and warmth you gave me, the only bright spot in a life that felt like it was drowning me. I clung to you like a lifeline."

He dragged a hand down his face, tears streaking his fingers. "It was selfish. Wrong. Cruel. I turned you into an unwitting accomplice to my hiding, to my shame. I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't, but that's what I did. You deserved safety, truth, freedom. Instead I made you part of my cage."

His voice broke completely, the last words spilling out like confession. "at that time... you were my reason to keep going when everything else felt like it was killing me. I was selfish, Dec. I know it now, and I am so, so sorry."

I could barely breathe, my chest heaving like something was clawing its way out.

"That night..." My voice came out shredded, more a rasp than a sound.

"That night you broke something in me when I was already broken.

Do you even understand that? Do you understand what it's like to already be bleeding inside and then have the one person you trusted twist the knife? "

His face twisted, a sound escaped him, half sob, half groan.

"Yes," he choked out, his hands trembling at his sides.

"Yes, Dec. That night at the gym... that will forever be my rock bottom and I thought I'd hit it before, but nothing.

.nothing compares to the look on your face.

The pain. The defeat. It's burned into me.

" His voice cracked, the words dragging out of him like confession under torture.

"When I insulted you with her there..." His voice faltered.

"God, I wanted to hold you. Kiss you. Drop to my knees and tell you not to believe a word.

But I knew how vicious she was, how far she'd go to destroy you if she knew what you actually meant to me" He swallowed hard, tears running unchecked now.

"and in doing that, I destroyed you. I destroyed me too. I haven't been whole since."

"A charity case, Ryder." The words ripped out of me, my voice so jagged with rage it hardly sounded human.

"You said I was a freaking charity case.

Do you know what that did to me? And then you said you'd never go for 'that'—" The word splintered in my throat, burning like acid.

"You said it like I was garbage. Like I was something disgusting you'd picked up out of pity.

" My fists curled at my sides, nails biting into my palms. "I may know why you said but I can still hear you saying it. Over and over."

His face crumpled, the color draining from it.

"I know," he whispered, almost choking on the words.

"God, Dec, I know. I hate myself for it.

I was trying to convince her. I was desperate to keep you away from her, do you understand?

I panicked. I grabbed for anything that would make it believable.

Everything she ever said about any woman who even looked at me, I threw it at you.

I repeated her poison word for word. I wanted her to think you meant nothing so she wouldn't touch you.

" His voice cracked, trembling. "I didn't mean a single syllable, but I know what it sounded like.

I know what it did to you, and I will carry that for the rest of my life. "

"I didn't deserve this!" I screamed, the sound ripping out of me like it had claws.

My whole body shook, my fists hammering the empty air between us.

"I didn't deserve any of this, Ryder! I did nothing wrong!

NOTHING! All I did was love you!" My voice cracked so hard it hurt.

"I gave you everything I had, even when I had nothing left to give, and you—" My chest heaved.

"You broke me. You broke me when I was already broken! "

My anger folded in on itself, collapsing under its own weight. My voice was hoarse, small now, frayed like old rope. "All I did was love you... All I did was love you..." The words came out as a sob, my face burning, my breath shuddering like it couldn't find a rhythm.

He stepped forward and pulled me in even as my fists thudded weakly against his chest. I let myself collapse against him, sobbing, the fight gone but the pain still raw and alive.

"I know," he whispered, his own tears hot against my hair.

His voice was almost unrecognizable — rough, breaking, desperate.

"I know, Dec. I'm so sorry. Forever sorry.

I love you and if you let me.." He swallowed hard, his arms tightening around me.

"If you let me, I will rewrite every bad memory.

I'll spend a lifetime making it up to you in any shape or any form.

I'll crawl if I have to. I'll try to become the man you thought you had. The man you deserved all along. "

"Please... let me in, Dec. Let me carry some of the weight I put on you. Let me love you the way I should have."