Chapter 15
CHAPTER
FIFTEEN
ROMAN
By the time we finally got food today, we were all a little wrecked.
I lost my damn mind over what went down between Addie and Jasper, and I didn’t even try to hide it.
Tasting her again took me straight back to those winter nights when she’d grind against my face, soaking my mouth and my chin, always so desperate to come she’d barely let me breathe.
I wonder if Jasper got her to tremble the same way.
Of course he did.
The guy could probably make her come with nothing but a look.
There’s been a weird energy hanging over us tonight—a kind of restless tension none of us seem able to shake, no matter how many casual conversations we attempt or how hard we try to pretend everything’s normal.
Maybe we just need a little time to ourselves, to rest and breathe and get used to sharing the same space over the next few days.
Or maybe we’re all quietly dreading what comes after the weekend, when we pack up and return to our lives and Addie stays behind.
I know I’m not making things any easier for anyone when it comes to Addison, but the truth is, I don’t know how to do this any differently.
When you grow up being passed around from house to house, feeling like you mean nothing to nobody, you learn not to get too comfortable, and you stop expecting to matter. Nobody asks what you need. Nobody cares what you want. They just count down the days until you’re someone else’s responsibility.
Then one day, when you finally find your home in someone—the kind of home that feels safe, that feels like yours—only to have her burn it to the fucking ground, it doesn’t just change you.
It rewires you and forces you to keep people at arm’s length, even when part of you is still desperate to be let in.
I’ve been lying beside Zeke for over an hour now, staring at the ceiling like it might finally give me the answers my brain won’t stop chasing.
Both of my guys can fall asleep as soon as their heads touch the pillow.
Me? I’ve got insomnia that fucks me sideways and a brain that won’t shut up, no matter how tired I am.
Addison went to bed early tonight. We had a quiet dinner, and afterward she said she wanted to read on her phone for a while. Disappearing into a book and finding peace between the pages has always been her thing, so it didn’t surprise me one bit that she opened a bookstore.
I’m never getting any sleep if I just lie here thinking about her.
I haul myself out of bed and drag my restless ass to the kitchen. What I want is coffee, strong, black coffee, but that’s a hell of a stupid idea when I’m already wired, so I reach for the whiskey instead.
Screw it, it’s almost Christmas, and at this point, I think half the country is running on booze anyway.
Leaning against the counter, the cold marble bites into my spine, but I barely notice anymore. Years on the ice have conditioned me to the cold and made it something I seek rather than avoid.
I'm standing here in nothing but black boxer briefs, glass half full in my hand, sipping slowly and letting the whiskey spread fire through my chest when footsteps echo down the hall.
I figure it’s Zeke or Jasper—those two always track me down if I’m not where I’m supposed to be.
Needy bastards, but I wouldn't have them any other way.
Except it's not either of them standing in the doorway.
It's Addie.
She’s barefoot and drowning in one of my T-shirts because she asked for the biggest thing we had, and Jesus, it’s giving full post-fucking energy.
She used to walk around in nothing but my shirts.
Her eyes widen, lips parting like she’s caught somewhere between running and staying right where she is.
We just stare at each other for a few long seconds, the silence stretching between us as the whiskey slowly burns my throat. But it’s nothing compared to the heat crawling under my skin just from being alone with her.
It hasn’t been just the two of us like this in years.
Not since the day I begged her not to walk away from me.
I can still feel the agony of that moment.
I can still hear the way my voice cracked when I told her I’d spend the rest of my life loving her.
I didn’t care how pathetic I looked or that I was falling apart in front of her. I just wanted her to stay.
Not my finest moment—not by a long shot. But I was so gone for her, so fucking in love, I would’ve walked through hell if she’d promised she’d be mine.
Do I still love her? Pretty sure I do, but I wish I didn’t. I wish the feeling would just disappear, shrivel up, and die.
But it doesn’t. It never has.
What’s worse is how my body and brain—both traitors—agree on one thing: I still want her.
I want to close the distance between us, pull her into my chest, and kiss her like the last few years never happened. Because in my mind, she never really left—not my head, not my heart, not the place where my soul still fucking aches for her.
She was mine once, but there’s a voice buried deep inside me that’s loud as hell tonight, screaming that maybe she was never meant to be just mine. Maybe she was always meant to be ours.
“I’m sorry… I just wanted to grab some water,” she whispers as she edges into the kitchen.
I can tell she’s cautious about being alone with me, and I don’t blame her. I haven’t exactly been the warmest.
“Can’t you sleep?” I ask, watching her as she crosses the room. She moves past me to reach the cabinet, close enough that her scent surrounds me.
She smells like strawberries, always strawberries.
She shakes her head. “No… you?”
“No… that hasn’t really changed.” Her eyes catch mine, and something glimmers there, before she forces it down. “What?”
“I just assumed you’d have found another way to deal with it.”
She was how I survived the sleepless nights. She knows that. She remembers it.
“It’s not always bad,” I say.
“Is it worse because I’m here?”
Yes.
But I shake my head and reach for the bottle, pouring just enough to take the edge off.
“It’s probably just being stuck here, and I have no idea when the hell we’re getting out.
We might as well bend over and hand Coach the goddamn paddle ourselves because if we roll in even a day later than we told him, that man’s gonna murder us, drag our asses back from the grave, and kill us all over again just to prove a fucking point. ”
“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” she says, filling her cup with water.
“I hope not.” I push off the counter, forcing a smile that doesn’t reach anything inside me. “I’ll take this to bed and give you some space.”
I manage two steps before her voice breaks through the tension hanging between us.
“Wait… Roman, please. Can we just—”
I stop and exhale before I finally turn to face her. “What?”
Addie’s midnight blues are glassy with unshed tears, and in that moment, every wall I’ve built between us feels paper-thin. I feel myself slipping, ready to drop everything just to hold her together.
“I can’t…” She looks away, but I watch as a single tear escapes and tracks down her cheek before she can swipe it away. “I can’t keep living with you hating me the way you do. It hurts me, Roman.”
All the resentment I’ve been clinging to—the thing I thought was keeping me safe—suddenly feels like it’s choking me instead. The despair in her voice, the heartbreak etched on her face… it guts me in a way nothing else ever has.
“I don’t hate you, princess.”
She lets out a bitter little laugh. “Liar.”
“I don’t,” I repeat, shaking my head as if that’ll somehow make her believe it. “I wish I could.”
“Really? Because nothing you could ever do would make me want to hate you.”
“I didn’t break you, Addison. That’s the difference.
I would’ve given it all up for you.” She looks at me, her eyes narrowing like she wants to argue, but I don’t let up.
“Don’t look at me like I wouldn’t have. You know I would.
I would’ve walked away from the team, from the season, from all of it if it meant keeping you, and you ripped my fucking heart out instead. ”
Her arms wrap around herself as her shoulders curl in.
“If we’d stayed together after my dad found out, you would’ve ended up off the team.
I couldn’t live with that, and if I hadn’t done it, you wouldn’t have what you do now.
You wouldn’t have Zeke and Jasper; you wouldn’t have the NHL.
I’m not trying to justify hurting you. I’m not saying it didn’t kill me, too, but I believed you were meant for so much more.
If I had to lose you to make sure you got it all… then I did what I had to do.”
Tears spill over now, one after the other.
“I loved you. Jesus, I loved you so much, and I’m sorry, Roman.
I’m so fucking sorry I ever hurt you. For me, it was a mistake, one I’ve been living with every day since, but it was the best thing I could’ve done for you.
I see how you love them, and it kills me as much as I love it because I’m jealous.
You used to look at me like that. You used to touch me like you touch them, and I destroyed it.
And before you leave, before I never see you again—because I know this is it, that this is all we’ve got—I just need you to know I’ve hated myself every single day for what I did to us. ”
A sob catches in her throat, tears spilling faster, and that’s it. I’m done. I can’t stand here and watch her break for another second. My pride, my anger, all my bullshit—none of it matters. I’m not that guy.
I step forward and wrap my arms around her, pulling her in like I’ve been waiting years to do it one more time. She’s so small in my hold, fragile in a way that makes every old instinct to protect her flare up.
“Please don’t cry,” I whisper, burying my face in her hair. “You know it kills me.”
She clings to me, hesitant at first, like she’s afraid I’ll push her away, but I don’t let go. I can’t, not when she’s hurting. Right now, it isn’t about our history or heartbreak. It’s about being human and holding someone when the world feels too heavy.
“I only want one thing from you, Addie.”
She tilts her face into my chest, her voice muffled. “What?”
“Be careful with Zeke and Jasper. They’re not ready to lose you. They’re not ready for whatever goodbye you think is coming.”
She looks up at me then, her eyes swollen and red. “But you are?”
“It’s just the way it is. What are you going to do, pack up your life and come to Boston?” I cup her face in my hands, her palms pressed to my ribs, holding on like we’re both afraid to let go. “If that’s a life you could see, then you need to tell me right now.”
“Of course I could, but it’s not that simple.” Her lip quivers, and a tear slips down, catching on my thumb as I hold her still. “I just want to be happy, Roman. I’m so tired of feeling alone.”
“How long have you felt alone?”
“Since the day I lost you,” she whispers. “It got worse when you all left after college. I thought I could move on. I told myself I had to, but something’s been missing ever since, and nothing’s ever really filled the space where you all were.”
My gaze drops to her mouth, back up to her eyes, then down again—caught in this pull I’ve been trying to resist since the second we walked into her bookshop. I lean in, closer, close enough to feel her breath stutter, and suddenly her lips part, and my name falls from her.
“Roman…”
God, she says it like I’m still hers.
My eyes close, and I force myself to pull back.
“I can’t, princess,” I say, my hands still cradling her face. “I can’t kiss you unless it’s forever.”
My lips brush her forehead, and I feel her tense before I let her go. I walk away, every step heavier than the last, leaving her standing there holding all the pieces of my heart that never stopped belonging to her.
I slip back into bed and reach for Zeke. My fingers brush over the bare skin of his back, searching for something solid to keep me from spiraling, and for a moment, I just let myself breathe.
Seconds later, I hear the bedroom door creak open.
I reach out blindly, hand extended, a silent invitation I’m not sure she’ll take.
But she does, and I’m so damn relieved when I feel her small hand in mine.
She climbs in quietly, careful not to disturb them.
Her body brushes against mine briefly as she moves across the mattress, then she slips into the space between Zeke and Jasper.
I feel the mattress shift as she settles, and for tonight, at least, I know that none of us have to be alone.
As soon as I know she’s there, tucked safely between the people I love, my body lets go. The ache in my chest eases, the noise in my head fades, and sleep finally claims me.