Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
CYRUS
The day is sunny and bright, the birds chirping overhead and the sea calm.
The complete opposite of how I feel inside.
I’m trying to work, but I’ve become more of a hindrance than a help today. Everything is jumbled. I’m hurt. But I also understand how I hurt her too. Even when I didn’t mean to.
I want to talk to her, but she’s made herself scarce all morning.
When she left me at the pool last night, I stayed behind fiddling with the cracked and misplaced seashell, in hopes I could let her cool off a bit, before trying to talk to her again.
But as usual, I made the wrong choice of saying nothing, because by the time I got back, she wasn’t in the room.
Having gone to her own room on the top floor.
Barred and locked from anyone that isn’t her from entering.
I got up with the first sparks of sunlight and rushed to get down to the tavern, to wait for her to come through.
Running on a couple hours of sleep wasn’t easy, but I hoped it would be worth it when I got to see her again.
But she never came down, or if she came down, she slipped out a different exit before I could catch sight of her.
Now I’m out on the ship, trying to get through the last of the repairs that need mending. We’re so close to being able to leave and get back out on the open water, and normally I’d be excited about that.
But I’m not.
It’ll be nice to be back out on the water, but right now, I’m not quite ready to leave yet.
Amara’s been side-eyeing me for the last few minutes, watching me fumble things I can usually do in my sleep. Keeping my mask in place is becoming an exhausting feat. All I want to do is cry.
It hurt so much hearing Tally tell me she loves me, but refuses to be with me.
Not that I blame her, why would anyone want to be with me. Everything she said was right. I’m still in love with Amara. Nothing has changed that fact.
But this feeling right now hurts so much worse than when I finally realised me and Amara would be nothing more than friends. This hurt feels like it's tearing me into a million tiny pieces.
When I fumble a box of nails, sending the little bits of metal all over the deck, I growl low in my throat. Ready to pummel something to bits.
Kneeling down instead, I spend a tedious amount of time cleaning them up, before dropping the box on a stack of wood.
I see Amara start making her way over to me, concern etched into her features– not wanting to let her know what is ripping me from limb to limb, I rush off the ship like my arse is on fire.
Mentally clocking out for the day and needing to find Tally.
We need to talk, something more than a one-sided conversation.
I just need to see her.
My eyes roam over the tavern.
Tracking over and between all the other pirates that threaten my view of Tally.
All day I’ve looked for her. From the minute I got off the ship earlier, I’ve been searching. Around the dock, around the local businesses. I wandered the halls of the inn like a goddamn lunatic. I even went back up to the pool to look for her. But she’s been no where.
Now tonight, I’m in the tavern, double checking every person who comes in.
There’s a break between pirates and I’m sure I see her caramel eyes, their usual shine dull and meek.
Instantly, I’m up from my seat. Trying to peer over the heads of pirates to catch another glimpse of her.
Making my way towards the bar, ignoring the calls and questions from the rest of the crew, simply trying to catch sight of those long locks or piercing gaze.
The second I make it to the bar, all signs of her are gone. Spinning to try and catch her within the crowd. I probably look wild, frantic at best. I couldn’t give a fuck. The need to find her is eating away at me, leaving panic and pain just on the outskirts of my periphery.
It’s only when I come full circle, I notice the back door swinging slightly. The sway of it is slow enough to tell me, if I went out to find her, she’d be long gone.
This island is hers after all, she knows every nook and cranny and can disappear within milliseconds.
My rib cage feels like it’s shattering, piercing all the organs in its way.
I can’t breathe, my heart sits in my throat– unbeaten.
I just need to see her.
Amara rambles on about the ship.
There’s a few repairs still to do. But all the ones that are keeping us docked are completed. There’s no reason to stay. For everyone else, there's no reason to stay.
There’s a reason for me to stay.
But my place is on this ship. I have a loyalty to Amara, regardless of any other feelings that are currently unsettling me.
I’ve always been by her side, I belong on this ship. It’s my duty and responsibility to work here as first mate. Just like Tally takes responsibility for the things that happen on this Island.
We’re due to set sail in two days.
I have just two days left to try and talk to Tally, before we leave for god knows how long. It’ll probably be months before we get the chance to come back here for a stop. Especially as we’ve been holed up here for so long, I doubt anybody will be thirsting for a repeat vacation.
We need to talk, it’s only taken me the better part of the week to even catch some glimpses of her. But with the short timeline, I have no time to fuck around now.
Amara is still talking next to me, going on about repairs and talking about how she wants to add a wardrobe in her chambers for Mabel, blah blah blah.
I gave up listening long ago. Only chiming in occasionally, to make sure I’m still somewhat in tune.
It’s handy that I never have much to say and that she’s currently over talkative, I have no need to have any input in this conversation at all.
Just as Amara starts talking about the fucking freckles over Mabel’s face, I look off the boat, allowing an eye roll I cannot suppress.
Then I see her.
Tally, down on the docks. Holding the rein of a horse as she feeds it a carrot, talking to someone.
Without even a murmur to Amara, I disappear, racing down the steps to the plank to get me off this godforsaken ship.
But yet again, by the time I’m steps away from where she was, she's vanished.
Horse tied to a pole and the person she was talking to messing with something on a cart.
Did I imagine her there?
Was she even there at all?
Am I finally fucking losing it?
It happens again that night, out front of the inn.
I catch her laughter floating on the wind. A swish of her soft, long hair before she disappears around the corner.
When I follow, racing through a hedge line into an open clearing, she's nowhere to be seen.
With a growl, I head back to the inn, hoping I can catch her in the tavern tonight.
I don’t see her in the tavern.
Nor the next morning, when I stalk the halls of the inn again. Or even get a response when I pound my fist repeatedly to the door that leads upstairs to her private chambers.
Even spending an ungodly amount of time picking the lock and searching the rooms myself. Only to discover the window open, with a safety ladder attached to the outside. Which makes sense considering she’s definitely been sleeping in here but I’ve yet to catch a glimpse of her.
She’s truly made herself scarce and it’s starting to worry me beyond belief.
Every waking thought I have is about her. When I lay my head down to sleep, it's a few hours of restless dreams that are consumed by her.
With an aggravated huff, I slam the door behind me and head out into the day.
Once again not catching sight of her.
Instead, I see Mabel.
Not wanting to be seen by her either, I slip behind the building, which puts me directly by the path that leads to the pool.
Taking my chances, I follow it in the midday heat.
Like an apparition, there she is.
Sat at the edge of the pool, her attention lost to the ripples of water in front of her.
Almost an exact duplicate of how I found her a week ago. Except the late night chill has been replaced by the overbearing sun.
“You’ve been avoiding me.” The words pierce the air around us, breaking the bubble of silence. Too loud and harsh for where we are. Too full of emotion.
Tally doesn’t turn or flinch, just continues staring at the water like it holds all the answers to life. She doesn’t answer me, but her hand flings out to her side delicately.
I take that as an indication to sit down, and I do.
There’s only a couple feet of space between us, but I've never felt so far away from her as I do right now. I’ve yet to be given the gift of her gaze, eyes too focused on what's in front of her. Her touch is miles away from me. If I wasn’t afraid she’d bite my hand off for trying, I’d try and touch her.
Lay my hand on her arm. Do anything just so she’ll look at me.
My skin itches with the need to be near her, to have her touching me again.
The silence stretches, passing the point of comfort.
Clearing my throat, I start again. “You’ve been avoiding me. Why?”
She huffs a humourless laugh. “I thought I made it clear why.”
“You knew I’d be leaving once the ship was ready. We both agreed this was just sex and you knew I love Amara. I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I, Cyrus.” Her tone is so detached, bored almost.
It pisses me the fuck off. “Can you fucking talk to me? Why is this conversation so one fucking sided? You obviously aren’t that interested in what we had, if you can just shut it off.”
Finally her gaze snaps to me. Fire sizzles in their depths, anger narrowing her eyes to slits and drawing her lips in a fine line.
“You’re questioning my feelings? Fuck, that’s rich coming from you.
I said everything I had to say the other day.
You could have said anything then and you chose not to.
Yes, I knew you were always going to leave, but you always come back.
Yes, I knew it was just sex, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t become more than that for me.
Yes, I knew you were in love with Amara, but I stupidly thought that you might have realised she’s no longer available to you, you might move on.
“It’s so stupid that I thought, after months of being attached to one another, that it had become more for you too.
So stupid to think you’d get over whatever feelings you have for someone who's never wanted you like that and fall for someone who does. I’m sorry I was so hurt by the way you’ve been sleeping with me for months, tangled up with me, on dates with me, yet still look at her with love.
“I’m sorry I broke it off when I realised, I could no longer be around you without being able to tell you I love you even knowing you’d never say it back.”
My vision blurs, as she unleashes everything she’s feeling. The world becomes a dull kaleidoscope, with Tally at its bright centre.
Everything hurts, pain is usually second nature to me, but everything feels like it's breaking inside of me. Ribcage closing in around my lungs in a vice-like grip, refusing to let oxygen circulate properly. Why is everything so complicated?
I close my eyes to block out the sight of Tally, tears carving lines down her cheeks. And then I let every word she said sink in. My skin buzzes with unease.
She huffs another lack-less laugh, and even with my eyes closed, I can picture the way she’s throwing her hand out absentmindedly. “Even now, you say nothing.”
“I’m processing, Tally. I’m sorry my feelings haven’t changed, I do care about you. Truly, I do–”
“But you’ll never love me, not like you love her.” She cuts in.
I shake my head. It feels wrong though. Like a part of my heart is trying to scream at me to stop.
To stop and think about what I’m doing. To process everything that’s happening, like I said I was doing.
Of course I don’t listen to it, I focus on what my head would be telling me if it didn’t currently feel like it was a pounding drum.
My eyes are still squished closed, the image of Tally crying, branded behind my eyelids.
“My loyalty is to Amara, to the Burnt Bones.”
She’s quiet for long enough, I open my eyes to look at her, she looks exhausted and broken. Knowing I’m the one that caused this makes me feel sick. Unease rolling around the expanse of my stomach, I don’t know how to make this right. Is there even a way to make this right?
We stare at one another for a beat, more emotions that I can’t identify, swirl around her irises. “You know she’ll never see you like that, right?”
My only response is more tears falling. My gaze drops from hers. It hurts too much for her to see behind my walls right now.
Tally’s hand cups my cheek, forcing me to look at her once more. “Maybe in another life, it might have worked.” Then she closes the distance, putting her lips against mine. The skin there sizzles as she kisses me softly.
It’s nothing compared to the kisses we’ve shared before. It's everything compared to the kisses we’ve shared before.
This time, I can tell the message it's laced with.
This kiss says goodbye.
I don’t want to say goodbye.
She pulls away a fraction, before kissing me gently once more, then truly pulling away.
“Goodbye, dove.”
Rising to her feet, she leaves again. A repeat of the other night.
At least this time I got closure. But I also got a lot more pain.
It shouldn’t hurt this much.
It hurts so damn much.