11. Chapter 11 – Rae
I didn’t last long in bed. I tried to fall asleep. Failed. Finally, I gave in, getting up to prowl downstairs, double-checking the locks. The new security system should have given me some peace of mind. But I had to admit it wasn’t just the break-in keeping me up.
It was Zach.
Things were changing fast between us, leaving me spinning.
Part of me wanted to devour him. Binge on all the flavors and sensations I’d been denying myself for so long.
But messing up what we had, our friendship?
It would gut me. I couldn’t throw that away without certainty our friendship would survive if our romantic relationship didn’t.
After Jia returned, we’d still see each other all the time as neighbors.
I couldn’t bear it if we crashed and burned, and he started inviting women home next door.
My relationship with Simon was poor preparation for the real deal.
Did I even know how to be a girlfriend? It wasn’t like Zach was the poster-child for commitment either.
What if one or both of us didn’t have the staying power to make it work?
I flitted around downstairs, refolding blankets in the living room. Tidying up the kids’ toys and electronics. Wiping down already-clean countertops. Anything to keep moving. Stay busy.
“Everything okay down here? ”
My heart stuttered, my breath seizing. Zach kept his deep voice soft, but it still boomed in comparison to the late-night quiet.
“I didn’t mean to startle you.” He traversed the last few steps between us, facing me across the kitchen island. “Can’t sleep?”
I bit my lip. Debating how much to tell him. “What if we try, and this doesn’t work?”
“We go back to being friends.” He didn’t pretend to misunderstand me.
“What if we can’t do that?” I asked.
I half-expected him to say “we shift to enemies” and brush my question off with a flash of his dimples. Instead, he frowned, holding my gaze.
“I don’t think there’s anything you could do that would make me not want to be in your life, even if it’s just as your friend.
” He sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair.
Dark strands stood on end in a rooster tail, making him look like he’d slept with wet hair.
My fingers itched to smooth it back in place.
“But if it’s too awkward or painful for either of us, then we’ll work it out.
I have to believe there’s a solution. Contrary to rumor, I know I’m not perfect.
” He flashed the charming grin I’d become so used to.
“I was pretty slutty for a hot minute in my twenties.”
“Don’t talk about yourself that way.”
He lifted a shoulder. “I’m not ashamed, but I do want you to know I was always careful about my health. Got regularly tested. It’s been long enough now, I think I can confidently say that I don’t bring any extra risk to our relationship.”
I blinked. Wait. What? Was he saying what I thought?
He dipped his chin, and I caught the hint of a suppressed smile.
“Aw, don’t look at me like that, Captain. You’re going to hurt my feelings if you didn’t notice. Nauti by Nature has been anything but living up to its name for a long time. I’ve been one lonely night from rechristening it to Nauti no More .”
My mouth opened. Snapped shut.
Maybe he’d slowed down a bit, sure. But he still flirted and charmed women with an ease that managed to come across as complimentary instead of creepy.
And judging from the eyes that followed him everywhere he went, women responded.
It wouldn’t take much to convert that interest to intimacy. Had it all been a front?
He clutched his chest, looking strangely vulnerable in his soft tee-shirt and sleep pants, his feet bare on the kitchen floor. “ Ouch. You really didn’t notice, did you?” He tilted his head. “I think that, deep down, I already knew.”
“Knew what?” I asked, dying to hear him say it.
“That if I couldn’t have you, no one else would compare.”
Even as I wanted to deny his words, my pulse picked up.
He held up his palms, backing toward the stairs with a grin. “I’ve met my quota for late-night honesty. Good night, Rae.”
I mustered the only words I could, “Night, Zach.”
Slowly, I turned in a circle. Looking for something, anything to clean.
Zach had given me way too much to ponder.
I glanced outside. If it weren’t nearly midnight, it’d be a great time to take my frustration out on Jia’s garden.
Weeding would be cathartic, yanking at all the intruders like I wanted to obliterate the thoughts and emotions bombarding me.
Worry that I’d been a bad friend, not noticing Zach was lonely.
More worry, that if we tried and failed at a romantic relationship, I’d screw up my most important friendship.
Excitement that I wasn’t alone in recognizing the changes in our relationship.
Anticipation for what that meant for us.
Trepidation. I had a freaking thesaurus’s worth of emotions to take out on the weeds .
But the dark outside mocked me. There’d be no relief from that quarter tonight.
For a flash, I considered slinking into Zach’s room, asking him for more. But it was too soon. I wasn’t ready. Not yet.
Reluctantly, I trudged up to my lonely bed, sliding beneath the sheets and staring at the ceiling.
Ruminating on Zach’s last revelation: if I couldn’t have you, no one else would compare .
Is that what I’d been doing too? Had I been comparing every man I met to Zach, finding them lacking, and using that to stay happy in my sex-less Simon bubble?
His admission had me looking at our friendship in a new light.
The nights when we shared a blanket on his couch, bingeing home improvement shows and episodes of boating reality TV.
The shared dinners, barbecuing on the deck of Sailor Swift .
We spent so much time together, on our boats, with our friends.
How did I not see that our relationship had evolved into a partnership a click off romance?
Would one adjustment to our heading be all it took to take us out of the friend zone?
Zach had turned everything on its head with this confession. But what did I want to do about it?