12. Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
A dam
Jessica’s eyes bulge when I take the key off my keyring. It’s nothing special, a standard silver key. The kind you can have made at any hardware store. But in this moment, it holds all the weight of Pandora’s box. She knows what it is immediately. Her gaze flies up to mine, her breath catching, when I hand it over to her.
“To the room?” She glances back at me, her green eyes shining with nerves and defiance. Neither of us need to clarify which room. I’ve reviewed the security footage. I know all the times she’s pressed her ear to the door. Even the one time she got on her hands and knees to try to peer through the crack under it. I’d chuckled when I’d watched that, knowing there was nothing she could see from that angle. She clutches the key tight in her hand, and I can see it in her eyes…she wants this, even if she’s afraid of it.
I follow her down the hall to the door leading to what I jokingly like to think of as my “lair.” It’s the place where I hide my darkest desires. As she fits the key into the lock, I lean against the wall and observe her.
Jessica is stunning in the red dress I picked out for her. It clings to every luscious curve of her body, lines and swells I itch to trace with my tongue. Her hair is messy from our tryst in the bathroom, with tangled curls that tumble down the nape of her neck. There’s a love mark, a hickey, right beneath her left ear. It’s so small that it would be easy to miss, but I smile when I see it. I like her this way, mussed with evidence of me all over her. Physical proof she’s mine.
Mine.
I’d been so furious when I saw Dylan’s arm around her. My brain had red-lined the way it had with Brad at her apartment. If she hadn’t stopped me, I would’ve fought Dylan, right there in front of my colleagues. All the rage I push down every day would’ve bubbled up to the surface. A volcano of anger that I wanted so badly to pour out on him.
That hadn’t happened, because of her. Jessica’s voice had penetrated through the fog of my anger. It had calmed me, stopped me from making a mistake I would have regretted for years to come. I’m used to protecting her, but in that moment, she protected me . It blew me away. I can’t remember any other time that someone had bothered to stop me from self-destruction.
New feelings rise in me, ones I’m not familiar with.
Gratitude.
Trust .
It makes me want to do something for Jessica. Something special to repay her. So I give her the thing I know she wants.
The room.
I just hope she understands one simple fact.
Be careful what you wish for.
Jessica
The key turns smoothly in the lock. My heart thumps with a combination of nervous anticipation and excitement. I’ve waited months to see what’s in here.
The door swings wide to reveal a large windowless room with stark white walls. I step through the threshold and enter. The air inside this room feels colder, sharper. Directly across from me is a bank of TV screens. Black and white images, slightly grainy, flicker across their surfaces. I step closer to observe them. Each one shows a different room, all of which I recognize.
There’s the kitchen, the living room, the office…my bedroom.
I suck in a breath and spin to West.
“You’ve been watching me!”
He doesn’t even blink. “Every day.”
“What?!” I think back to all the times I dressed in that room and, even worse, when I masturbated under the covers thinking about him. Did I say his name as I came?
How humiliating.
I look over the monitors again. “Do you have cameras in the toilet too? Do you watch people there?”
“No. Those are the only unmonitored rooms.”
I cast my voice high and sarcastic. “ Gee . How nice of you.”
He doesn’t flinch. He just stands there, still as a statue. I drag in a shuddering breath and try to control my outrage.
“Why would you need this?” I flap my hand at the security monitors. “Before I arrived, you lived here alone, right? And you already had these?”
He nods confirmation.
I turn to the screens, where nothing stirs. “What are you watching?” I ask, baffled. “This building is secure. You have a doorman downstairs, for fuck’s sake.”
My hand rises to my chest as a new idea occurs to me. “Oh, my gosh! Are you in the Mafia or something? Does someone have a hit out on you?”
West heaves an exasperated sigh, raising his eyes to the ceiling like he’s praying for patience. “No, that’s not it.”
My hands go to my hips. “So?” I challenge. “Why the cameras and the secret spying?”
“I hear noises sometimes.” A muscle ticks in his jaw as his eyes dart away from mine. “I used to search this entire place to make sure everything was okay. With this installed, I can see everything at once. It makes me feel…” He hesitates so long I start to wonder if he’s ever going to complete the sentence. Then he finishes with a simple, “better.”
I have no idea how to respond to that. Is he saying he’s scared? That he comes here in the middle of the night to check for bogeymen?
Before I can question further, West’s voice cuts through my thoughts. “You’re missing the bigger picture. What this room is really about.” He looks over my shoulder, and I follow his gaze.
A curtain hangs from the ceiling in a corner of the room. It sways slightly, teasing me with whatever lies behind it. It’s the kind you would find separating the patient rooms in an Emergency Room or in post-op where the patient waits after surgery.
Like Alice going down the rabbit hole, I wander toward it, wondering what could be behind that pale green fabric.
West doesn’t stop me. He just eyes me carefully with his chest still, as if he’s holding his breath.
Determined to know the truth, I pull the curtain aside with one swift yank. It slides easily, revealing a scene so odd my brain can’t comprehend it.
I stare, unblinking, for a very long time.
West whispers behind me, counting 1, 2, 3, 4. Then he’s talking, his voice distant, like I’ve fallen down a well and he’s yelling at me from above. “Jessica, we can leave now. Forget about this and go back to how things were—”
“West?”
“Yes?”
“Why do you have an exam room in your home?”
That’s what is in front of me. A medical exam room, eerily similar to the one where I first met him. There’s the table with its stirrups tucked away. There are the shelves full of medical equipment. There’s a handwashing station against the wall. A rolling stool and a silver tray covered with a dark blue towel.
“Do you see patients here?” I ask.
“Not exactly.”
“Who comes here?” There’s something dreamlike about this moment. It’s so unexpected that it feels like I’ve been kicked out of my own body. Like I’m watching this from afar, totally uninvolved.
There’s a heavy pause, but I don’t look over. I’m too transfixed by the glass jars of cotton balls and tongue depressors on the counter. By the blood-pressure cuff on the wall.
Finally, he answers in a low voice, “Women. The ones who like this kind of thing.”
“Thing?” I echo, not comprehending. Of all the possibilities I thought I’d find in this room, this wasn’t it.
“It—it’s called medical play.” He takes a single step closer, and I flinch. He halts. “It’s my kink. One of the ways I like to have sex.” His explanation speeds up. “Listen, I know it’s unusual, but this has nothing to do with my real job as a doctor. I would never take advantage of a patient. Ever . I can separate what happens in this room from what happens in the hospital or the clinic. I don’t mess around with real patients, don’t even want to do that.”
“What about me?” My voice is a faint echo, so soft. “You messed around with me.”
“That’s different.”
I finally look at him, taking in his drawn brow and how his jaw works, clenching and unclenching.
“How?” I can’t help but ask, so confused.
“It was you , Jess. You sitting in my clinic. You waiting for me to come in. You change everything. Make me break all my rules.”
His answer has a familiar ring to it. Didn’t I think the same thing earlier this evening? When he fucked me in the bathroom with a hundred people outside. Jessica from months ago would never have let that happen. I would have been too embarrassed. Too worried about what other people thought of me. Always trying to be the good girl, the nice one.
Break all the rules.
Was that what he did to me? Yes. Is it really so crazy to think I do the same thing to him?
“Okay. I believe you when you say this kind of behavior stays at home, in this room, but who are these women? The ones who come here and do these things with you.” I try to keep my voice steady, to be reasonable, but jealousy licks its fiery way through my body, the burn scorching. It’s hard not to look at that exam table and imagine West naked, screwing another woman on it. The thought makes me want to vomit.
West answers slowly, concern etched on his face. “There are places, chat rooms and such, where people who like this connect and agree to meet up.” He takes a small step closer and, when I don’t protest, another one. He keeps advancing until he’s by my side, close enough that I can feel the wisp of his breath against my cheek when he talks. “Those women, they were only here for this, Jess. They never sat on my couch or cooked in my kitchen. No one has been up the spiral stairs besides you. No one .”
I must have started crying at some point because West catches a tear with his fingertip. He holds it up to the light so I can see how it sparkles. He puts that finger in his mouth and sucks on it.
“Are you drinking my sadness?” I ask.
“You want to know me—well, guess what? I want to know you too. Inside and out. I want to know what makes you cry, what makes you laugh, what keeps you up at night. I want to know how best to hold you, kiss you, make you come so hard you lose consciousness.”
He brushes another tear from my cheek, his fingers dancing along my skin. He offers the tear to me, holds it up to my mouth, and whispers, “I want you to know yourself better than ever before. To know how to demand what you want, what your boundaries are, how much pain and pleasure you can withstand.”
“It’s just,” I say as my chest hitches on a suppressed sob. My dreams are changing, rearranging themselves into something new. “It’s a lot to take in.”
“I know.”
He doesn’t say a word after that. Doesn’t push or pull at me. This will be my decision and mine alone.
I stare at his offering, the physical embodiment of my sorrow held on the tip of his finger. What should I do? Pack my bags and leave? Forget all about him and the things he’s made me feel. Or accept him, all of him. His kinks and idiosyncrasies too.
This strange man.
The man I’m falling in love with.
It’s almost scary how quickly I make up my mind. It makes me wonder exactly what I’ll do for him. How far will I go?
I open my mouth and let him press the tear to my tongue until I taste the saltiness of it. It reminds me of the ocean, that timeless mixture of brine and minerals. I close my lips around his finger and suck it into my mouth, swirling the tip with my tongue.
“Fuck,” West groans, hemming me in until I’m caught between him and the exam table. My hip bumps up against the upholstered surface, and I cast a glance back, my heart hammering with fear and lust.
West notices. He backs away with his hands up, muttering, “We don’t have to do this. I can get you a cab and pay for a nice hotel for you to stay in until you find an apartment. You don’t owe me anything.”
I consider his offer. He’s sincere. I know it. He’d let me go if that’s what I wanted.
But is it?
What I want?
The thought of walking out of here and never seeing him again is pure torture. Things are finally getting good between us. He’s letting down his walls, brick by precious brick. If I go now, I’ll never learn his story. Never figure out why he counts and what made him hate the sound of his own name.
He’s a puzzle I want to solve.
A code I need to crack.
I can’t leave.
I’m too addicted to his presence. Obsessed with those gray eyes and the weight of his body on mine.
I place my hand on his chest, over his heart. West freezes, watching me with wide, cautious eyes as I reach behind my back and pull the laces that secure my dress. Once they’re loosened, the gown falls to the floor, puddling at our feet. Goosebumps rise on my bare skin like flowers blooming.
West’s breath stutters, then speeds up. He says a soft, “Jessica…”
I stare up at his beautiful face and in a loud, clear voice say, “I’m here for my appointment, Dr. West.”
Adam
And just like that, I know—this woman isn’t afraid of the darkness.
She’s drawn to it.
And God help us both if she ever finds out just how deep mine runs.
With the kiss in the bathroom and now with her in my secret room, I’ve broken all my rules. Just like I’d break myself for her. Just like I’d fight for her, kill for her.
I’m not a good man. I know that. All the dark desires that swim in my heart. I view the world with a mixture of distrust and hatred. But I tried to be a better man for her sake. I offered her a way out of this.
Like a gentleman, I let her choose.
Now she stands before me nearly naked and trembling. A sacrifice on the altar of our mutual lust. I grin, knowing she doesn’t fully understand how there’s a part of me I keep caged at all times, a wild feral beast that claws at my insides. No, she doesn’t understand what she’s just unleashed.
Not yet.
But she will.
“You’ve wanted this for so long,” I murmur, my voice low and dangerous. “Do you like what you see?”
She hesitates, then nods, but her throat bobs as she swallows hard. Her nerves betray her.
I step closer, brushing my fingers lightly over her bare shoulder. “Good. Because now that you’re here, you should understand something.”
She turns to face me, her eyes wide, searching mine.
“This room,” I say, letting my words hang in the charged air, “isn’t just about desire. It’s about trust. Surrender. And once you step into my world, there’s no stepping out.”
Her lips part, a mix of fear and exhilaration crossing her face.
I glance around at the shelves lined with carefully arranged instruments and to the sleek leather-topped examination table that I had custom made so it’s wider and longer than usual. Big enough for two people to lie on it. My gaze moves to the polished mirror above the sink that gleams in the bright light. My reflection stares back, my eyes alight with dark anticipation.
This is my world, laid bare before her.
Can she handle it?