Chapter 22
My car putters to a stop as I pull into a parking space at Floppy’s Pancake House.
I’m meeting Connor here to discuss the details of our fake marriage.
I can’t believe I’m actually about to go through with this.
But what other choice do I have? I don’t have the cash to pay for these tests out of pocket, and I don’t feel safe waiting any longer.
I know, even now sitting outside this restaurant, that what I’m about to do doesn’t make any sense. I’ve gone back and forth a thousand times. I know I’m acting on impulse rather than logic, but what’s the alternative?
It’s crazy. I know it is.
Why the fuck am I saying yes to marriage when taking the money would be easier?
I don’t know how to explain it, other than I feel like this option would give me an out faster.
Who knows how long it would take me to pay Connor back?
I could be tied to him for years. This way, we get married, I use his insurance, and once all the tests are done we can split amicably and annul the marriage.
Getting married is the cleaner choice and I wouldn’t owe him anything when all the testing is complete.
My nerves are fried and my heart is threatening to pound right through my chest. I glance down at my smart watch to check my heart rate and see that it’s at 117 bpm.
It’s high but not high enough for me to be overly concerned.
On my worst days, my heart rate will reach nearly 170 bpm after something as simple as a shower.
I’m a few minutes early, so instead of walking inside, I try to calm myself down before exiting my car. I take some deep breaths and in between, I sip on my drink. The last thing I need is to pass out in front of him again.
When my phone vibrates inside my purse, any calm I had found vanishes.
Expecting to see a text from Connor asking where I am, I’m surprised to see a message from Tamara.
She’s the only person I’ve told this secret to, and I don’t plan on telling anyone else.
She’s just as concerned as Connor, if not more, about my health.
She’s offered me money as well, but I’m already living with her for free.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I didn’t want to owe anyone anything.
Tamara
Are you sure you want to do this?
Am I sure? When it comes to the reasoning for me doing this, I am 100 percent positive it’s the right thing to do.
Do I wish I didn’t have to fall into an arrangement with my high school boyfriend in order to get the help I need?
Also, yes. There may be some conflicting feelings happening over doing this with Connor, but I’ve never doubted that he is a good man.
And damn, do I hate admitting it, but I still feel safe with him.
Maybe this little marriage of convenience we’re about to fall into will be the door we need to open to face our past, instead of dancing around it like we have been.
I type out a reply to Tamara confirming I’m certain this is the right choice, then shove my phone back in my purse. I pull down my mirror and give myself a little pep talk.
“Time to woman up. You’re doing this because your health is important. And it’s only a few months. You can do this.”
Once I’m satisfied and feeling confident enough, I exit my car.
Winter is in full swing and I hug myself to try to keep warm as I walk through the parking lot.
It may be freezing but you won’t catch me complaining.
The heat and humidity of summer exacerbated my symptoms, so the cold weather is free to stay as long as it wants.
When I step inside, I’m greeted by a young woman at the hostess stand.
“Good morning. Just you today?”
I scan the restaurant and find him right away. Tucked in the corner at a booth, sticking out like a massive Greek statue squished into a budget airline seat. Connor is all long limbs and solid frame, six foot five of him folded into a space that was definitely not designed with him in mind.
He’s not looking at me yet, his attention angled slightly down at his phone, thumb scrolling as he waits, one arm resting on the table.
A dark Henley clings to him in a way that feels unfairly distracting, the fabric stretched across his shoulders and chest like it’s been tailored for exactly that purpose.
His sleeves are pushed up to his forearm, like he got impatient mid-thought and never bothered fixing them.
His hair looks like he ran his hands through it one too many times, rumpled, effortless, like he either just woke up or hasn’t stopped fidgeting all morning.
Then he looks up.
And just like that, I’m caught. The noise of the restaurant dulls around the edges as his eyes lock onto mine, steady and unblinking, that damn smirk kicking up on one side of his handsome face.
“Ma’am?” the server’s voice cuts in, and it takes me a second too long to tear my gaze away from him.
“I—I’m actually meeting someone,” I somehow manage, forcing my attention back to the present. “I see him now.”
Even after I force the words out, I can still feel his attention riveted on me, and I suddenly feel very aware of how bad of an idea this might actually be.
I will my feet to move, because all of a sudden, I’m quite nervous about what’s about to happen. I know this marriage isn’t real, but it doesn’t stop the memories of my last one from resurfacing.
My marriage with Bryan was anything but healthy.
I know people always tend to focus on the bad when things end, but even when I try to remember the good, those memories are few and far between.
I lost myself when I married Bryan, and I didn’t think I’d ever get married again.
Now here I am, about to marry my high school sweetheart. For his health insurance.
I swear someone could write a book about this, because even I can’t believe this is happening in real life.
Connor stands when I approach the booth and when he leans in for a hug, I freeze. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it isn’t for him to greet me so warmly. I know we’re technically friends now but this is a business arrangement, so the gesture takes me by surprise.
After our awkward hug, we both slide into opposite sides of the booth. I busy myself by grabbing a menu and attempting to read it, but I can’t concentrate enough to make out the words on the flimsy plastic.
“The peanut butter pancakes are my favorite.”
I look over the top of my menu to see Connor watching me. I close it and set it down, planning to order what he suggested because making a decision right now feels impossible. To be honest, I’m not even that hungry. My stomach is sick with nerves, and the thought of eating makes me queasy.
Not wanting to prolong this anymore and pretend to make small talk, I just blurt it out. “How is this going to work? We just make an appointment at the courthouse and go on our merry way?”
Connor laughs. “It’s nice to see you too, Aves.”
He’s ignored me every time I’ve asked him not to call me that, so I don’t even bother asking him again.
“Hi, Superstar.” His eyes bulge at the use of the old nickname he hated so much, causing me to flash him my first genuine smile of the day. “Good morning. Now, can we please get to the point?”
I don’t even notice that my voice is a whisper until Connor leans closer. “I like to whisper, too.”
Him quoting my favorite Christmas movie has me snorting and relaxing for the first time since I woke up this morning. This moment between us feels like the old us. It should scare me and have me putting up boundaries, but I relish in the feeling.
How long has it been since I felt this…normal?
Connor has always had this effect on me.
Even after we broke up, anytime we’d see each other, it’s like no time had passed.
We’d slip into our old ways and pretend that the real world didn’t exist past the weekend we were spending together with friends.
That is until he stopped showing up a couple years ago.
I know we came here to talk about marriage and insurance, but I can’t bite my tongue any longer.
“Why did you fall off the face of the earth two years ago, Connor?”
My question shocks him to the point where he flings himself back into the booth. His eyes are wide and his jaw drops. Yeah, imagine how I felt when you fell off the face of the earth.
“That’s not what we’re here to talk about.”
I clasp my hands together, resting them on the table in front of me.
“Too bad. I never thought I’d forgive you for breaking up with me the way you did, but I somehow found a way to do that.
But you disappearing completely? Cutting everyone out of your life?
I still haven’t forgiven you for that. And I don’t think I can go through with this without knowing the truth. ”
I’m well aware that he’s the one helping me here and he’s free to walk away at any time. He’s been so adamant about helping me and I think part of the reason I’ve been so hesitant is because of his disappearing act. I didn’t plan on coming here with an ultimatum but it’s too late to go back now.
Connor still doesn’t say anything, but he also doesn’t look away. I do my best to soften my features before asking my next question.
“You want to help me, right?”
“More than anything.” There’s no hesitation when he answers. Not that I expected there to be any.
“Then help me understand. Please?”
I can’t hide the desperation in my voice.
This man used to be the boy I loved. It took me a couple years to get over my shattered heart, but I found a way.
I figured having him in my life as a friend was better than not having him at all.
But then he walked away again. That time, for good. Or so I thought.
Connor inhales a deep breath before letting it out slowly. He leans forward onto the table, clasping his hands together like mine. When he does it, our fingers brush the slightest bit. For once, I’m not the one to pull away, he is.
He looks down at his hands briefly, before looking back up to meet my eyes.
“I was in a really bad place back then. I was pretty good at hiding it. But there came a day when I finally accepted that I needed to work on myself.”
His words trail off but I don’t rush him. I wait until he’s ready to begin again. When he goes to speak again, he’s interrupted by the waitress.
“Are we ready to order?”
We both take turns ordering, each of us getting the peanut butter pancakes. When the waitress excuses herself, I don’t need to ask Connor to elaborate because he starts talking right away.
“It took a long time for me to get to the point where I didn’t hate myself.
I wish I could say I was able to balance it all—friends, hockey, relationships—but I just couldn’t.
It took everything in me not to lose myself completely.
But I ended up losing some people along the way.
I’m not proud of it, but that was my reality.
I guess I was too scared to reach out after so much time. Everyone seemed to have moved on.”
I’m not sure if he means it, but I swear there’s a hidden meaning behind that last sentence. Am I selfish to think he’s referring to me? Maybe. But he’s not wrong. After a while of reaching out, we all gave up on him. That wasn’t really fair of us either.
“I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m sorry I stopped trying. I just wasn’t sure what else to do.”
Connor shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Avery. All I’ve ever wanted for you is to live your life and be happy. Don’t ever apologize for doing exactly that.”
Ha. If only he knew the half of it. I didn’t think there would ever be a day I felt as happy as I did when I was with him.
High school sweethearts feels so inadequate for what we truly were to each other back then.
After he left for college and broke my heart, the world around me felt duller.
I wondered if I’d ever find color again.
But somehow I found a way. And yet, here I am, all these years later, living in black and white again.
I’m barely scraping by. Losing him feels like nothing compared to losing myself.
“You okay? Where’d you go?” Connor’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
I look up to see him, head tilting, assessing me with concern in his eyes.
I want to open up to him and tell him all the hell I’ve been through.
He just opened up to me about losing himself, and I wish I could do the same.
I want to drive to the woods, lie on the hood of my car, and tell him how much my hopes and dreams have changed.
I’m not sure I even have any at this point.
I don’t even recognize my life anymore. All I know is I can’t live like this and diagnosing what’s been going on with me is the first step to a new life. And I can’t do that without him.
“Sorry, was just thinking about something.”
Connor scrutinizes me, his eyes narrowed, but he stays quiet.
“Thank you for telling me why you disappeared. I wish you would’ve confided in me back then, but I understand why you did what you did.”
Connor nods, and then we’re interrupted yet again when the waitress places our food in front of us. A silence washes over the table as we both start cutting into our pancakes.
But for once, this silence doesn’t feel strained. It’s a comfortable type of quiet that settles onto my chest like a warm hug. Like being here with Connor, sharing a meal, is my comfort. It feels like coming home.