Chapter 30
I have my follow-up appointment with my doctor today to go over the tilt table test results.
Connor is leaving for Sweden today and he’ll be there for a little over a week for the remainder of the women’s hockey tournament to watch his sister.
His best friend, Luke, is competing in men’s curling too, so he’ll get to see him while he’s there as well.
Tamara is meeting with an athlete this morning, which means I’m riding solo to this appointment.
I hadn’t realized how much easier Connor made things until I left to come to this appointment alone.
Remembering how he handled my tilt table test, him scolding the nurse and worrying about me, brings a smile to my face.
Ridiculous as he was, it was comforting to have him beside me for something so scary and exhausting.
Having his support meant the world to me and I’m hit with a wave of disappointment knowing he won’t be here to do the same today.
I’ll miss the way he advocated for me, asking questions I wouldn’t think to ask, him making me feel less alone.
Just as I pull into an empty parking space at the hospital, my phone buzzes in my cup holder. My car is so old I don’t have a fancy system that plays music or shows me who’s calling or texting. As soon as the car is in Park, I grab my phone. My heart sinks when it’s not Connor’s name on my screen.
Katie
Good luck at your appointment this morning. I’m thinking of you!
The disappointment I felt a moment ago vanishes after her thoughtful message.
Even though my sessions with Katie have ended, we’ve become pretty good friends, along with the rest of the girls on the Bobcats’ staff.
I may not have anyone with me today, but I’m feeling less alone knowing I have people looking out for me.
I walk into the hospital and take the elevator to the second floor where the cardiology department is located.
Walking down the hallway, I’m relieved that I don’t feel as anxious as I have in the past heading to these appointments.
For once, I’m feeling hopeful. I’m finally going to get some answers.
When I turn the corner to where the check-in desk is, my heart drops to my feet.
Sitting in an uncomfortable chair, head down looking at his phone with his long legs stretched out in front of him, is Connor.
My feet move on their own accord, my body automatically being pulled toward his direction instead of toward the desk to check in.
“Connor?”
As soon as I say his name, his eyes snap up to mine. I watch his lips curve and his eyes light up but I don’t return the smile. I’m confused. What is he doing here? He should be on a plane. I swear, if he postponed his flight again, I will kick his ass.
He’s out of his chair now and standing in front of me. “Ready to get these results? I joined a few POTS groups online and—”
“What are you doing here?” I cut him off. As if my mind doesn’t believe he’s real, my hand shoots out and I poke his arm.
He looks down at where I just poked him and laughs. “Why are you poking me?”
I snatch my hand back, embarrassed. “Just making sure you’re real.”
This was the absolute worst thing to say because now he wears a cocky grin and takes a step closer to me. Pushing my hair behind my ear he leans in and whispers. “I’m real. And you’re blushing.”
Well, hell.
“Why aren’t you on a plane to Sweden right now? So help me, if you’re going to miss more of your sister’s games for me, I will smack you.”
He rests his hands on my shoulders. “I got a later flight tonight. I promise, I’m leaving. Just after we get these results.”
The way he says it, he’s acting like it’s no big deal. As if he didn’t already postpone going to the freaking Olympics to watch his sister once already for me. Like that’s not the most thoughtful thing in the entire world. How the hell am I supposed to not swoon for this man?
“I don’t know what to say. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough.”
He splays his hand on my lower back and gestures toward the desk where I still have yet to check in for my appointment. “No need to thank me, Aves. This is the only place I need to be right now. Now, let’s get you checked in.”
In a complete Connor-induced haze, I go through the motions of checking in. At one point, the woman at the desk asks me to confirm my insurance and I’m too busy staring at Connor to respond. Luckily, he steps in and handles that for me. I can’t believe he’s actually here.
We’re led to an exam room where we’re currently waiting for my cardiologist. We’ve been back here all of ten minutes and Connor is already complaining.
“Why do they make appointment times if they never actually plan on starting the appointment at that time?” He’s pacing the tiny room now, giving me anxiety for the first time today.
I grab his arm and haul him into the chair next to mine. “Would you sit? You’re making me more nervous than this actual appointment.”
He runs his hand through his hair that’s grown out just enough that a couple strands flop down onto his forehead. I’m not sure why he’s the one more nervous right now but seeing him disheveled like this is new. In an attempt to calm him down, I grab his hand with mine and give it a little squeeze.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
His mouth opens to respond, but a knock on the door interrupts us.
We both turn toward the sound, and I inhale a breath when my doctor walks in.
He greets us both with a smile, introducing himself as Dr. Lang, and I exhale, doing my best to stay calm.
There’s no need to panic. We’re here for my results and we’re taking a step in the right direction.
He leans back against the counter near the sink and doesn’t waste any time getting started.
“Well, Avery. I’m sure you already know this considering you fainted during your test, but we can officially say you have POTS.” He pauses for a moment waiting for a reaction.
I knew this already, but for some reason hearing it out loud knocks the wind out of me. Connor’s grip on my hand tightens. I look his way, and he searches my eyes.
You’re okay, he mouths.
I turn back to my doctor who gives me a sympathetic smile.
“I know you’ve been through a lot the past couple years, and I’m sorry that it took this long for someone to take you seriously.
This diagnosis might feel like the end of the world, I get that.
And I’m not going to pretend like it’s a small thing, but there are things we can do, steps we can take, to ensure that you can still thrive and have a fulfilling life.
It might just look a little different now. ”
My head bobs as he continues to explain the lifestyle changes I need to make, many of which I already anticipated due to my own research.
Hell, it’s why I had to stop playing hockey and find a job where I can sit the majority of the time.
He tells me that because I’ve been so proactive with lifestyle changes already but still struggle, he’s going to prescribe me beta blockers to see if that helps.
At some point during the appointment, Connor pulls his phone out and starts taking notes, jotting down information the doctor was relaying.
Dr. Lang pauses and smiles at Connor, nodding his way.
“It’s really smart to write some of this down.
I’m throwing a lot of information at you.
I’ll be giving you some resources as well, but I like a man who comes prepared.
Not everyone has someone in their corner who cares so much.
” He turns his attention to me now. “Lean on him. This isn’t going to be easy. ”
I nod and turn to Connor, smiling at him. I’m so damn thankful he’s here with me today.
“Do you have any more questions for me?”
I work through the information he’s given me already, knowing I have some questions but I can’t think of them for the life of me.
Connor clears his throat. “You mentioned some targeted exercises to improve cardiovascular fitness. Will you be providing a list of exercises we can do, or a program we can start at home? I have tons of trainers and there’s a gym at our place of work that we can utilize.
I’d like to put something together today if you have time. ”
Is this real life?
I’m not sure what I did to deserve this, but having Connor here through all of this is something I didn’t know I so desperately needed. Who would’ve thought the boy I loved in high school would be the one helping me put my life back together?
The three of us go through exercises and put together a program we can do to get started as soon as we leave here today, but I basically watch from the side while Connor does most of the talking.
Dr. Lang hands me a pile of paperwork, resources ranging from symptoms, to diet recommendations, to possible conditions I may develop in the future.
POTS apparently often coexists with other conditions such as chronic fatigue syndrome, autoimmune disorders, fibromyalgia, and some other ones I’ve never heard of.
I might have thought I was prepared for this diagnosis, but this is a lot. It’s too much. I feel myself shutting down, folding in on myself, not wanting to face all of this.
Dr. Lang excuses himself, and I sit there staring at the wall, not hearing the last of what he said or anything Connor continues to say next to me. The next thing I know, Connor is on his knees in front of me, his hands cupping my face.
“Breathe for me, Aves. Watch me.”
I spend the next however many minutes trying to mirror Connor’s breathing.
Finally, I feel myself come back to the present.
His hands on my face, a welcome balm that I lean into.
Without thinking, I press my forehead against his.
In an instant, his arms are around me and he’s pulling me into his chest.
“I’ve got you. You’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.” He repeats the affirmations while rubbing circles over my back.
At some point during all of this, I start crying. When I finally pull back, I see the mess of makeup and tears I made on his gray T-shirt.
“God, I am a wreck. Sorry.”
He tips my chin up with his finger. “No, Avery. You’re not a mess. You’re human. You’re allowed to break down after your world gets flipped upside down. Go ahead and fall apart. I’ll be here to help you pick up the pieces.”
His words only make me cry harder and I fall into his chest again. I’m not sure how long it takes but eventually the sobbing stops and my breathing calms.
“I think I’m ready to go now.”
Connor stands and reaches his hand out. I take it without hesitation and don’t plan on letting go anytime soon.