Chapter 39
TWO-AND-A-HALF YEARS AGO
Another year, another reunion with my best friends from high school. I look forward to this weekend all year, and not only because of the gorgeous lake house we stay in, or the days spent on the boat. It’s because of her.
Avery Chamberlin. The one who got away. The one I pushed away.
But it was all worth it because now she’s playing professionally in the PWHL and is a top prospect for Team USA next Olympics.
I may not get to celebrate those moments with her like we planned, but watching her live out her dream is a decent consolation prize.
Knowing that I didn’t hold her back and she’s getting everything she ever wanted, is enough for me.
She may hold a place in my heart until I die, but I’m not out here believing she’d ever give me a second chance, even if I’d sacrifice my left nut for one.
Now that I’m in the NHL, women aren’t hard to come by, and it’s not like I’m out here being celibate.
I fuck women. But that’s about all I do.
I gave up on finding the real thing after my last relationship, if you want to call it that, ended when I overheard the woman on the phone telling someone that she can’t wait to get knocked up so she’s set for life.
Yeah. That pretty much scarred me for life so I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be alone.
At least until I retire. My parents were fucking awful, so it’s probably best I don’t find someone anyway.
Who knows if I’ll end up like my dad one day and decide I don’t want a family anymore.
My genetics are so bad, it’s not worth finding out.
I’ve adapted to the lonely lifestyle and try to put all of my time and energy into hockey.
It’s probably not healthy to avoid my past like this.
So much trauma from my parents, letting Avery go, fighting my way through school with all my pent up anger…
I’m sure a therapist would have a thing or two to say about all that.
But I’ll be fine. I’m a professional athlete, for fuck’s sake. Who am I to complain?
I enter the code to the lake house and as soon as the door swings open, I look for her.
The main floor is empty and I don’t hear anything upstairs or downstairs.
Setting my suitcase aside, I make my way to the sliding glass door that leads to a giant patio overlooking the lake. My god, it is beautiful here.
But not as beautiful as the woman standing on the dock in an emerald sundress.
The sight of her steals my breath every single time.
Her black hair falls down her back in loose waves, and I can’t help but stare as she walks down the platform to where the other girls are sitting, their feet dangling in the water.
I’m too far away to hear what any of them are saying but, it’s impossible to ignore their screams and squeals when Avery holds her hand out to them.
The four girls that were sitting all launch themselves up to stand.
One of them hugs Avery while the other three grab her hand and lift it toward their faces.
My eyes are locked on them, trying to figure out what the hell is going on, when I hear footsteps coming up the stairs to the patio. My best friend from high school, Luke, appears, and instead of being happy to see me, his face is etched in concern.
I turn my head back to the girls on the dock and nod. “What’s that all about?”
He sidles up next to me and links his hands behind his head. “Avery’s engaged.”
It feels like someone literally swiped the rug from underneath my feet and I stumble backward. Luke presses his hand between my shoulder blades to steady to me and leaves it there as I try to comprehend what he just said to me.
I knew Avery was dating, but that was the extent of it.
I never wanted to know more than that. Apparently, I missed a whole fucking lot.
Avery is engaged. Avery is going to marry someone, and that someone isn’t me.
I have no fucking right to even think that but it doesn’t stop the thoughts from coming.
Luke moves his hand up to my shoulder and squeezes. “You good?”
I shake my head once. He knows I’m not good.
He’s the only one who knows the real reason I broke up with Avery all those years ago.
It was never because I stopped loving her.
It was because I loved her so much. What a fucking fool I was.
I should’ve tried to make it work. I should’ve insisted we try long distance. I should’ve done something.
“There’s more.”
I tear my eyes away from the girls. I can’t stand to watch them celebrating, but I’m also wondering how the hell there can possibly be more.
“What the fuck do you mean there’s more?”
Luke rubs the back of his neck and grimaces. “He’s coming here for the weekend so we can all meet him.”
“Fuck that.” I shake my head. This can’t be happening. The one weekend out of the year where I get to pretend everything is okay. I get to spend time with my favorite person on the planet and see how happy she is, and validate my decisions all those years ago.
“I know. Are you going to be okay, man?”
I whip my head toward him and glare.
He nods because he knows my answer even without me uttering a single word.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to process everything that’s just been thrown my way. Before I can figure out what I’m going to do, the sliding door opens again.
Luke and I turn at the same time. Standing in the doorway is a guy I’ve never seen before.
His hair is slicked back with far too much gel and he’s wearing a bright pink polo with lime green shorts that are too fucking short for any man to wear.
He can’t be more than five ten on a good day, and he’s wearing fucking boat shoes like he just walked off a yacht. Hell, he probably did.
This can’t be him. There’s no way this is the guy Avery is marrying.
The twatwaffle closes the door behind him and then nods at the two of us who have yet to say a word. “Sup. I’m Bryan.” Neither of us do or say anything. Bryan sticks his hand out to shake ours. “I’m Avery’s fiancé.”
I don’t wait around to see if Luke shakes his hand. I push past him into the house and head straight for my suitcase. Grabbing my stuff, I open the front door to leave.
“Connor, wait!”
Luke runs up behind me but I don’t stop. He follows me to my car. To my surprise he keeps his mouth shut while I load up my suitcase in the trunk. As soon as I close it, he finally speaks.
“So, that’s it? You’re just going to run out of here because Avery got engaged?”
“Yep.”
I walk to the driver’s door and pull it open. Luke’s hand pushes it closed, and I turn on him. I’ve never laid a hand on my best friend like that but I’m about two seconds away from changing that.
“Back off, man. I need to get out of here.”
He lifts his hands up in front of him. “All right. But you had to know she would move on eventually.”
I rub my hand through my hair, ready to pull it out. I can’t wrap my head around what I’m feeling. I’m angry. I’m embarrassed. I fucking hate myself. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sick.
“I know. Fuck. I know that, Luke. But I’m spiraling, man.
I thought I was okay with my life. I got drafted.
I make enough money to take care of my sister and grandparents.
That should be enough. You know I let Avery go so she could conquer the world.
She’s doing exactly that. But why do I feel so fucking empty?
” I pound on my chest at the spot that Avery still owns.
Luke walks closer to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “You know I love you. Your grandparents and sister love you. You have people who love you.”
I shake my head and scoff. “Then why doesn’t that feel like enough?”
He tilts his head and gives my shoulders a squeeze. “Maybe you should talk to someone, man. I don’t know. But you have to find a way to move on. It’s been eight years and you still haven’t. It’s time, man.”
I close my eyes and try like hell to push the emotion down. He’s right. I can’t keep living like this. I nod my head and open my eyes. I throw my arms around Luke and pat his back a few times. Turning so he can’t see the tears that have started to fall, I open my door.
“I love you, man. But I can’t be here. You get that right?” I look over my shoulder and watch Luke as he walks a few steps away from my car.
“I do. I’ll tell everyone something came up. I got your back. Text me when you get back safely?”
“Will do.”
I climb into my car and punch my address into my phone.
As soon as I’m on the highway, I push the button on my steering wheel and instruct my system to call the captain on my team.
Niko is a single dad and he’s easily one of the best people I know.
He doesn’t know what I’ve been through, but he can see right through my bullshit.
He’s constantly checking in on me and urging me to take care of my mental health.
I’ve always brushed him off, claiming I was fine.
The phone rings a few times before he finally picks up. His daughter is screaming happily in the background so he’s basically yelling when he greets me.
“What’s up, Smith? I thought you were out of town this weekend?”
I don’t say anything at first. I’m trying to gather the courage to admit that I need help. The silence stretches between us and his daughter’s voice slowly begins to fade.
“Connor. You okay?’
I nod, like he can see me, and then force the words out of my mouth.
“I need help.”