Chapter 45
Rushing into my closet, I pull out the shopping bag that contains the lace lingerie I bought the other day. I wasn’t sure when or if I’d ever feel ready to cross this line with Connor, but after what happened tonight, there’s no doubt in my mind that I want to take the next step with him.
I undress quickly, knowing Connor will rush home once he realizes I’m already gone.
Slowly, I slide the lace panties up my leg, relishing the feel against my skin, feeling sexier already.
Knowing how much Connor has always loved my breasts, I decide to leave the bra in the bag.
I grab the silk robe I bought that’s hanging in the closet and loop it over my arm, feeling more than ready to show Connor exactly how I’m feeling with my body.
Moving out of my room, I make my way into Connor’s and put the robe on the chair next to the full-length mirror.
My heart pounds with anticipation, and I swear it feels like the very first time again.
I’m about to make love to the man I lost my virginity to but that feels like a lifetime ago. I guess in some ways it is.
Turning, I stand to face myself in front of the mirror and every bit of confidence I felt a second ago is wiped with one single look.
I barely recognize the woman staring back at me.
God, I fucking hate what I see. Every inch of muscle that used to cover my body is gone.
The strong, toned woman I once was is a thing of the past.
I can’t stand to look at myself for another second. I reach over and grab my robe, wrapping it around myself, in an attempt to hide my frail body.
There was a time I wanted to flaunt my body whenever I could.
My arms and legs used to be sculpted with muscle and I’d show them off any chance I got.
My hand finds my stomach that used to be chiseled with abs, but now I can nearly wrap my hands around my waist with how much weight and muscle I’ve lost because of this fucking illness.
My gaze moves down to my legs to see skinny thighs and non-existent calf muscles. I inhale a sharp breath.
I hate my fucking body.
I hate the way it looks. I hate the way it feels. I hate that I never know what it’s going to do next. I fucking hate everything about it.
My eyes close because I can’t stand to look at myself any longer. Turning, I climb into Connor’s bed and throw the covers over me. Curling into a ball, I close my eyes and try to erase the images of myself from my brain.
There are so many things this chronic illness has taken from me, but my self-esteem is probably the worst of it all.
I used to walk into a room and not care what people thought.
Now I wonder if they can see my illness just by the way I carry myself or look.
The confidence I used to wear has all but faded away.
Getting this job with the Bobcats has brought some of it back, and I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again, but then shit like this happens. I can’t seem to accept this new normal.
I don’t hear Connor right away. It’s not until he moves to the opposite side of the bed that I realize he’s home. I hear his clothes fall to the ground and then slowly, he slides into his bed behind me and wraps his arm around my middle.
“How’s my girl?” He kisses the back of my head.
Afraid that if I open my mouth, he’ll hear the hurt in my voice, but also not wanting to lie, I simply shrug.
Gently, he uses the arm that’s wrapped around me to pull me over so I’m lying on my back. He didn’t do anything wrong so I turn my face to him and attempt to smile.
His hand finds my face. “What’s going on, Aves?” His thumb strokes my cheek as he waits for an answer.
Sucking in a breath, I tell him what’s going through my head.
“I came home early to surprise you.” His eyebrows raise. “I bought some new lingerie I wanted to wear for you, but when I looked in the mirror…” My voice cracks so I take a moment to try and compose myself. “I fucking hate what I saw.”
Connor’s eyes search mine as I wait for him to respond. Finally, he asks, “Do you trust me?”
“More than anyone.”
He slides out of bed and moves to the side I’m lying on, reaching out his hand to me. “Come here.”
I fling the covers off me and make sure my robe is tied tight before getting out of his bed. He takes my hand and leads me to the mirror I vacated before he got here.
Connor moves behind me and slides his hands up and down my arms.
“Can I tell you what I see?”
I’m not sure I’m going to like this, but I nod anyway.
His hand moves to my neck and he glides his fingers along my throat. “I see an exquisite woman who has been through hell but still came out on the other side looking more beautiful than ever.”
I shake my head. “You can’t believe that.”
“Avery. Truer words have never been spoken.” His fingers trail up to my jaw line before stopping on the birthmark over my lip.
“This birthmark reminds me of all the times my lips have felt yours and taunts me every single day when I see you.” A smile stretches across my face knowing he’s been thinking about me the same way I’ve been thinking about him.
“And there. That dimple.” His thumb strokes the place where my dimple is almost permanently on display when he’s around.
“This dimple is my fucking undoing. From the first day I met you, I’ve wanted to make you smile as much as possible so I can see it. ”
His hands slowly make their way down my body to where my robe is tied in front of me. “Can I untie this?” He’s watching me in the mirror, and I nod. As slowly as possible, he unties the ribbon, sliding it from the loops on the robe, and drops it to the floor.
I watch his eyes widen when he sees I’m not wearing a bra. He grabs my hand with his now and places it over my stomach.
“Your body may have changed, but it’s still amazing, Avery.” He moves his arm in front of me and pulls my back to his front. His hand cups my breast and I can feel him growing hard behind me.
“Do you feel what you do to me, Avery?” He pushes himself into my backside. “You could be wearing a garbage bag and I’d still find you the most beautiful woman on the planet.”
His hand moves from my breast and stops over my heart. “Because, no matter what, I know what’s inside here. I know how fucking good you are. You’re the best fucking person I’ve ever known.”
Connor spins me now so I’m facing him and takes my face with both of his hands. “Not a day has gone by that I’ve stopped loving you, Avery Chamberlin.”
Tears fill my eyes at his confession, and I gulp down the emotion. Because the truth is, I’ve been carrying around those words for years.
They’ve lived inside of me through every chapter of my life. Every milestone, every heartbreak, every night I spent trying to convince myself I was over him. Even through my marriage and the wreckage my ex-husband left behind.
I should be terrified to say those words again. But when Connor looks at me like this, like he’s handing me the most fragile piece of himself, I realize something devastating.
Loving him has never been the hard part.
My breath shakes as tears blur my vision, and I lift my hands to cover his where they’re holding my face.
“I never stopped loving you either.”
His mouth finds mine, and I wrap my arms around his neck. I stand up on my tiptoes and push myself against him, feeling just how hard he is for me now. He breaks the kiss first, lust-filled eyes peering down at me.
“Let me show you just how much.”
I nod, and practically beg when I say, “Please.”
Connor takes my hand and leads me to the bed. Before I can climb in, his hands find my robe. “Can I take this off?”
For some reason, standing in front of him like this, I’m not as self-conscious as I was when I was alone.
The way he’s looking at me and the way I can see how much I affect him, makes me feel wanted for the first time in years.
That alone gives me the confidence I need to shrug off my robe and drop it to the floor.
Connor slides into the bed first and holds his hand out for me. I take it and climb in after him, settling myself on his lap so I’m straddling him. Being here, looking down at the man who never left my heart, is completely overwhelming.
I can feel my confidence coming back with each brush of his finger against my skin and with each hungry look he gives as he scans my body. It’s been years since anyone’s looked at me like this. I can’t quite figure out what it is I’m feeling until he swallows a ragged breath.
Beautiful. I feel beautiful.
Leaning down, I press my lips to his and he immediately opens his mouth for me. The way my body melts into his like it knows it belongs here, has me slowly start rocking back and forth over him.
As soon as his cock brushes against my center, I hiss out a breath, breaking our kiss.
Connor smirks up at me and pushes my hair away from my face. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Aves.
His words ignite something in me and I start moving over him again, chasing a feeling I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again.
Connor’s hands grip my waist and he simply watches me. I’m moving faster now and I watch as his eyes turn from adoration to hunger.
“Is my girl already wet for me?” he asks.
“Why don’t you find out for yourself?”
There isn’t time to brace myself before Connor flips me over so I’m on my back and he’s hovering over me.
I move my attention down from his face to his bare chest where I’m greeted by his gorgeous tattoo.
The ink is another reminder of how truly remarkable the man above me is.
I still can’t believe he got the Big Dipper permanently marked on his skin.
Before he can move, I grab his arms and bring my lips to his ink. I run my tongue along the stars all the way to his nipple where I take it between my teeth and bite it. Then I flick my tongue over it, which causes Connor to push me back against the pillows.
“My turn.”
He slowly lowers himself down and I feel his lips start trailing kisses across my collarbone.
My hands find his hair and I gently tug the strands as he moves lower and lower, finally capturing my nipple between his teeth.
He tugs on it gently before sucking it into his mouth.
His hand finds my other breast where he pinches my nipple, causing me to moan.
“Oh, fuck. Yes.”
I grind up into him and feel his erection. I’m desperate for more. I need more of him. It’s been too long. I need to remember what he feels like. He moves off my breasts and continues to kiss his way down my body.
His attention moves to the side of my body where he drags his tongue across my hip bone before dropping lower to the band of my panties. His tongue teases me for far too long and I grind myself up into his face.
“These panties are so pretty, but they need to go.”
In one swift movement, he rips them from my body.
“Holy fuck. Yes, Connor.”
He tosses them behind him and starts kissing and sucking his way down to my sex. His tongue lightly flicks my clit, but then he’s moving back up toward my stomach again.
“No, please. Don’t stop.”
He pushes up onto one elbow and uses his other hand to run a finger through my slick heat.
“Oh, Aves. You’re fucking dripping for me, baby.”
Connor inserts a finger inside of me and moves up to capture my mouth with his. Our tongues clash and I’m a writhing mess as I search for my release. Connor pulls back, his eyes dark with heat. “I want to taste how sweet you are now, Aves. Can I?”
“Please!”
He chuckles and removes his finger from me, situating himself between my legs. He hooks them over his shoulders and in one, smooth motion, runs his tongue along my center.
I sit up on my elbows so I can see him work, and he pauses to look up at me. “God, baby. You taste so fucking good. You’ve gotten even sweeter with time.”
He drops his head again and works his tongue inside of me, bringing me even closer to the edge. He pulls back and moves his lips to my clit, giving it a good suck and that’s when I fucking lose it.
My pussy pulses as I find my release. Connor inserts two fingers, curling them when he’s deep inside of me, causing me to moan out in ecstasy. He flicks his tongue fast up and down against my clit, and I scream out his name.
“Connor! Oh my god!”
I slowly come down from the best orgasm of my life and he kisses his way up my body until his mouth is on mine again. I can taste myself on his tongue and I suck it into my mouth. He pulls back and with a devilish smirk, he says, “No god here, baby, just me.”
He did not just say that.
I throw my head back against the pillows and laugh. “You would say that, Connor Smith.”
He moves in next to me on the pillow, propping himself up on his elbow.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” His other arm slides around my waist and he pulls me closer to him. I can feel how hard he is beneath his boxer briefs.
Pushing up onto my elbow, I glance down between us.
“Forget what I said. What are we going to do about that?” I motion to his very hard, very large dick that’s currently poking me in the leg.
He leans forward and gives me a quick kiss on the mouth. “Nothing.”
I rear back. “Nothing?”
Connor shakes his head and boops me on the nose. “Nope. Tonight was about you, Aves. I’m fine.”
Unbelievable. Shaking my head, I laugh. “You are not fine. You’re about to rip a hole in those boxer briefs trying to escape.”
He pulls me so I’m flush against his chest, and I crane my neck so I can look at him. “I’m more than fine.”
And then he steals my next words with a kiss.