Chapter 48
Connor stands abruptly from the bed and walks toward the giant window that lines one of the walls in his bedroom. He pushes the curtains open and gazes at something in the distance. A minute goes by, but he still hasn’t said a word, so I join him where he’s standing.
Since we’re so high up, we have the perfect view of the Fox River and part of downtown Green Bay.
The city is bustling with cars, the morning traffic at its worst. My eyes move away from the city to the street below and I watch an older couple walk hand-in-hand across the street.
They disappear around a corner just as Connor begins to speak.
“I was there.”
My forehead bunches, my eyes narrowing as I try to understand what he just said. I must’ve misheard him because there’s no possible way.
“You were where?” I turn to him now, hoping he’ll look at me, too.
Connor reaches his hands to the back of his head and leans up to look at the ceiling. “I was at your wedding, Avery.”
I stumble backward. Connor’s hand flies out, steadying me. He takes a step closer to me, keeping his arm wrapped around my back.
“Let’s sit,” he says, motioning to the chair that held the peonies that started this whole conversation.
He escorts me over to the chair, sitting first and then pulling me into his lap. Wrapping an arm around him, I look at him seriously.
“You were at my wedding? In St. Louis?” The moment I say the words, the more confused I become.
Connor nods. “I was.”
That’s it. That’s all he says. Of all the times to turn broody, he chooses now? Not happening.
“I’m going to need more words than that, Connor. What do you mean you were there? How did you even know about it? How come I didn’t see you?”
I search my memory for anything that could point to him. There were so many people there, maybe I just missed him. But how could that be? He wasn’t invited. Did he crash my wedding? The wheels in my head are spinning, and I feel Connor’s hand rest on top of mine.
“Slow down, Aves. Let me explain.”
I reposition my body so I’m straddling him now. There’s no way he’s going to avoid eye contact with me during this conversation.
“Well, come on then. Get to explaining.”
Connor smirks and I purse my lips at him. “All right, all right.” He scratches the stubble that is covering his face, and I briefly remember what it felt like to have it brush against the inside of my thighs last night and this morning.
Focus, Avery.
“First, I need to tell you the whole truth about what happened two years ago.”
My heart pounds and my stomach sinks. He told me he needed to work on himself but I never understood why. I inch closer to him, wanting, needing to understand why I had to grieve the loss of him twice.
“It was the weekend you told everyone you were engaged. I was there.”
No. I remember that weekend.
I shake my head aggressively. “You never came. Luke told us something happened to your grandparents.” Understanding dawns on me as soon as the words are out of my mouth.
We all texted Connor like crazy to check in on him, but he didn’t respond to anyone. It made absolutely no sense. I cried silently in the shower for days wondering how he could do that to us. To me.
“I came. I met Bryan, too. And I lost it, Aves. I couldn’t stand to be there with the two of you.”
My hand flies to my chest as I try to make sense of everything he’s saying. The feel of his palm against my cheek immediately calms me, but it does nothing to clear the confusion.
Connor looks me in the eyes. “I let you go the first time so you could live your dreams. And then I realized you could’ve had all of those dreams with me.
I was just too stupid to see that. Knowing you achieved everything and fell in love again.
It almost fucking killed me. I left that day and made a promise to myself to move on. ”
Tears fill my eyes. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.
Connor slides out from under me, setting me on the chair, and kneels down in front of me. He takes my face in his hands and the tears fall down my face without my permission.
“Then my sister sent me one of your ex’s social media posts. He was flaunting the shit out of your wedding, apparently.”
I release a watery, bitter laugh. “Ugh, I forgot about that. But I still don’t get it. Why did you come?” I’m still not understanding that part. To my knowledge, no one knew he was there. Someone would’ve definitely mentioned that to me if they did.
“Well, I planned on finding you before the ceremony and telling you that I was still in love with you.”
My heart jumps. I know for a fact this isn’t my POTS talking. This is my body responding to something that quite possibly could’ve changed my life. What would I have done? Would his confession have been the wake-up call I needed? Could I have avoided all the pain and abuse from Bryan?
“Why didn’t you find me?” My question comes out barely above a whisper, and I cast my eyes downward. I can’t look at him right now.
In true Connor fashion, he grips my chin and forces me to look at him.
“I watched you walk into the church that day. You looked so fucking beautiful, baby. But goddamn, those daisies were fucking hideous.”
Connor’s lips tip up, but I’m having a hard time finding the humor right now.
He clears his throat and continues. “I went into the church after I saw you walk in. The ceremony had already started so I slunk into the back row, still unsure what the hell I was doing there. But then I saw it.” His voice is thick with emotion now.
“Saw what?” I need to know what he saw to make him change his mind.
“I saw you smile at him the way you used to smile at me.”
I think I’m going to be sick. I shake my head over and over. “No. No way. I never felt the same way about him the way I felt about you. The way I still feel about you. You’re wrong. I didn’t smile at him like I smile at you.” My head is still shaking and my stomach rolls as I try to imagine it.
“Shh. Aves. It’s okay. I watched you up there in that white dress and you looked happy.
If I would’ve known what it would eventually turn into, you bet your ass I would’ve marched up there and hauled you out of that church.
But I didn’t know. Neither of us could’ve known, Aves.
You were happy. I couldn’t be the one to ruin that for you. Not again.”
Emotion clogs my throat and my nose stings as I try to sniff back more tears.
He’s right. In that moment at the church, I thought Bryan was exactly what I wanted.
I had convinced myself he was a good man and we could create a good life together.
Was it a fairy tale like in the romance books Connor listens to?
Maybe not. But I thought it was enough. I thought he was enough.
How could I be so fucking wrong about someone?
“It should’ve been you.” The emotion I was trying to hold back comes pouring out of me all at once.
He was there.
I can’t believe Connor was there. I wish I had known.
Connor wraps his arms around me, and I drop my forehead to his shoulder. My body shakes with the sobs of what could’ve been. He starts rubbing my back and shushing me, trying but failing to calm me down.
After a few minutes, I somehow manage to pull myself together. His hands find my shoulders and he gently pushes me back so he can look in my eyes, but I slam them shut.
“Baby, look at me.”
Wiping my cheeks with the backs of my hands, I finally open my eyes and see his handsome face. He doesn’t look angry or sad. No, Connor Smith looks downright jubilant.
“Why do you look so happy?”
Connor shakes his head and laughs quietly to himself. “You don’t get it, do you?”
I make a dramatic display of my face that was just leaking from multiple places. “Clearly not.”
He leans down and rests his forehead against mine.
“Aves, baby. We did it.” Connor pushes back and kisses the spot he was just leaning against. His eyes bounce between mine and a smile dances across his face.
“I’m happy because after ten years and all the ways we tried to outrun this, we still somehow found our way back to each other.
I felt lost without you, but I get it now.
I was never really lost. I was just trying to find my way back to the girl written into every constellation I’ve ever looked at.
And I did it. I found my way back home. You are my home, Avery Chamberlin.
And I’m never fucking leaving you again.
” Connor grabs my hand and places it over the tattoo covering his heart.
He waits for me to say something, but I can’t.
The only thing I can do is lean down and press my mouth to his.
I kiss him because the words are there but they’re tangled too deep inside my chest right now to pull free.
I kiss him because he’s right. Somehow, after all this time, we found our way back.
I kiss him because for ten years no one and nothing has ever felt like home the way he does.
My lips press harder against his, trying like hell to tell him everything I don’t know how to say out loud.
He opens his mouth for me and I melt into him.
When he kisses me back with so much certainty, it feels like standing beneath the night sky full of stars after years of darkness. I’m no longer in the dark.
I’m home.