Chapter 1
From childhood's hour I have not been. As others were, I have not seen. As others saw, I could not awaken. My heart to joy at the same tone. And all I loved, I loved alone.
Brooks
Winter Break- Somewhere In An Overpriced House
Like the devious little shit I was, I’d lied to my parents about winter break. Yeah, I went home, but I told them I got two and a half weeks off when I actually got three. I planned to spend the few days leading up to the new semester in my apartment.
It would be really peaceful. Or lonely. It was fifty-fifty.
I loved my parents. They were better than many, despite their high expectations and the shitty demand that I cut off my hair before I graduate. My mom probably wanted my hair shorter so she could more effectively breathe down my neck. Kai and West told me I should say no and do whatever the fuck I want, which I was considering, but it would take a lot of courage to do that. Courage that I didn’t have.
Like I said, I loved my parents. They were just a bit suffocating.
More than a bit. They’d been burying me in wet cement since I was born and every year that I drew closer to becoming a lawyer, it hardened a little more. Securing me. Trapping me.
It came from a good place. They wanted the best for me and knew that I was capable of succeeding. I had potential .
That was the thing, though. I was smart and would have no trouble landing a job as a badass attorney. The expectation that I would do it, though, made me want to sabotage my entire future. I wanted to be an attorney; I didn’t want to feel pressured to do it.
There was this rebellious little voice in my head that always tried to deter me and I constantly had to keep it in check. My whole thing was to live it up while I could, which was part of the reason that I was digging into this pie like my life depended on it. I may have gone a little too hard on my penjamin in my room.
Well, YOLO.
“Are you eating regularly?” Mom asked, eyeing me a little warily.
I nodded. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you’re acting like a starving bear,” Dad muttered.
I couldn’t help but laugh, nearly spewing the food from my mouth. Would they be mad if they knew I was high? Probably not, but I wouldn’t flaunt it. Even through their suffocating parts, they really weren’t too concerned about what I did as long as I didn’t get in any trouble or fuck up my grades. Until the time when I had to ‘get professional,’ of course.
Two things were important to them: don’t fuck up our image and don’t fuck up my future. Simple enough.
My mom tossed her dark curls behind her shoulder. They were a lot like mine, except they were closer to black. Her Mā ori genes were strong and I’d inherited the hair plus the dark olive complexion, just a little lighter than hers. I did get some things from my dad, who had Argentinian heritage with tan skin and deep brown hair. They were both exceedingly attractive people with personalities to match. I was doomed from the start, obviously.
As extremely well-known attorneys for some of the biggest corporations in New York, they had a part to play at all times when they left the house. I’d learned how to put on a front before I could even form a solid sentence- schmoozing, reflecting a certain image, and twisting morals when they knew their client was in the wrong. It was all a part of this life they’d built.
They weren’t just attorneys. Climbing the ladder was an extreme sport and they’d somehow risen nearly to the top. They didn’t have fancy dinners and go to events only because they had money. It was about the people they knew. Attorneys, judges, CEOs, fucking politicians. They weren’t celebrities, but other big names knew who they were and within their field, they were gods.
I didn’t tell people exactly what kind of life I came from. It wasn’t their business and, honestly, I didn’t like the scene. It had gotten worse since I started school, which was completely unexpected.
I did want to be a lawyer, but did I want to be like them? I didn’t really let myself think about it. They expected me to and once I graduated law school, I’d have a spot lined up for me at their multi-million-dollar firm. Due to my inevitable prowess and a healthy dash of nepotism, I’d likely be a partner in record time. Yay me.
It didn’t really matter what I wanted. There were so many fields of law, but if I told them I’d rather pursue something like civil rights or family law, they’d definitely wonder if I was switched at birth.
At least I’d make hella money. I looked around the dining room that I’d eaten in thousands of times. We didn’t eat together often, but it was always at this table surrounded by cream-colored crown moldings and walls that were too white. The table was big enough for a fucking army, which came in handy when they hosted fancy dinners here, but any other time, it was awkwardly empty with the three of us.
My apartment was dark. The cabinets were nearly black and the counters were white but with dark lines interwoven through the stone. It had large windows that let in a lot of light and gave me a stunning view of the city. The whole aesthetic was the opposite of this place and I loved it.
“So, your friends,” Dad interrupted my thoughts. “They’re not a bunch of troublemakers, are they?”
If there wasn’t a slight smile on his lips as he brought his fork to his mouth, I might’ve said something snarky.
“They’re the worst,” I replied. “Always dragging me down to the depths of hell to do ungodly things.”
Mom laughed, then covered her mouth with a napkin. “Are you sure you’re not talking about yourself?”
“No,” Dad mused, cocking his head a little. “Brooks is probably orchestrating everything from the sidelines. He’s kind of a creep.”
“Shut up,” I said with a chuckle. “You made me like this.”
“You’ll be a hell of a lawyer someday. Ruthless.”
“There will be a lot of Elrods on our sign,” Mom chimed in, beaming at me as if I should be excited.
I offered her a forced smile. “A whole family business.”
“Just like we’ve always wanted.”
*****
JFK – Lost In My Head Enough To Almost Run Into A Wall
College was different than I thought it’d be.
Let me rephrase that.
College was just like everywhere else. It was routine, I had friends- lots of them- and I went to classes, just like I had since I started preschool.
The difference was in the distance- from the place I’d grown up, my high school friends, a stupidly nice neighborhood, and absurdly rich people. Most importantly, distance from my parents. I was only at the airport, but it already felt different now that I wasn’t around them. My perceptions shifted as soon as I made it through security, as if I’d stepped into a different world.
It was weird how you never knew your eyes were closed until you changed your circumstances. I’d seen one of my friends, Sen, go through hell just to accept who he was and learn to live freely. He had actual shit to deal with. His boyfriend, Kai, had near perfect parents, but his dad was sick. He couldn’t remember his son a lot of the time. That shit was heartbreaking.
They had real problems. I thought I did, but I guess I just had different problems.
How are your grades? How many hours are you studying every week? You need to make good impressions with the professors. Why didn’t you choose an Ivy League? It’s not too late. Make sure you’re not hanging out with anyone who has a poor reputation. Why didn’t you answer my call on the first ring?
My issues were the definition of first world problems. It could be worse. It didn’t matter how much it was affecting my mental health. I had to keep reminding myself that I was making these things seem bigger than they were. I just needed to chill the fuck out.
To stay ahead, I learned to pay attention. I saw everything that went on around me. Things really weren’t all that complicated if people actually faced things head on.
I had my shit together. I was in complete control of the things in my life. Unless my fatal flaw was hubris, I was pretty sure I’d get through the year just fine.
The line between failure and perfection was really fucking thin. Was there a middle ground? Most likely, the middle was some chasm separating the two. Maybe being disintegrated by the lava at the bottom wouldn’t be so bad. Going out like Gollum would be a hell of a thing.