Chapter Five
Zoe
I’ve never felt more embarrassed, and I once tripped over a rock in front of my crush and went rolling down a hill into a puddle of mud. I was in seventh grade, and I never lived it down. Everyone who saw the event reminded me of it every chance they got, and I could never look the cute boy in the eye again. That’s nearly traumatizing for a thirteen-year-old girl and this… tonight… was worse.
Who the hell does my ex think he is, and why does he get off on hurting me? I’ll never understand it or what I saw in him.
Gunner lands his hand on my thigh as he points his truck toward town. “You okay? That was pretty rough.”
“Yeah. I, ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with all that.”
An hour ago, I felt like the sexiest woman alive. For the first time in my life, I felt wanted, desired, and beautiful. A tear streaks down my face. Now, I feel like the truth has been revealed,
The curtain has fallen, reality is here, and Gunner can see me for everything I am. I wipe away a tear and then another, trying not to feel sorry for myself, but that sentiment hasn’t been easy the past few years. “I should really tell you something.”
“I told you,” his big, rough hand landing on my thigh, “it’s okay. You don’t have to—”
“I need to.” I bite the inside of my cheek, gathering my strength as my phone buzzes in my back pocket. Whatever it is can wait. Twisting my hair to the side, I let out the breath I’ve been holding. “Five years ago, I was in an accident. My dad and I were driving out to the Springs for a trade show. He collected old comic books, and I liked going because he always stopped at this restaurant on the way that served these giant pancakes.” My heart beats faster. “We’d almost made it to the café when a tractor trailer lost control and cut into our lane, pushing Dad’s truck across the highway and into the side of the mountain.” Tears fall down my face one after the other. “My father died that day with his hand across my chest, trying to protect me from impact. He, ugh, he was a rancher and the best dad I could’ve ever asked for.”
“Honeybee,” his strong hand squeezes my thigh in comfort, “that’s awful. Were you hurt?”
I drag in a deep breath and let it out slowly as I roll up the bottom of my soaking pants exposing the metal peg that stands in place of my leg. “My right leg got crushed. They couldn’t save it.” I swallow hard, talking past the lump in my throat as the full moon filters light into the truck. “I don’t talk about it at all. I was seventeen at the time and it took years for me to adjust to it. Fast forward to dating that guy on the beach. He was the kind of guy who didn’t ask a lot of questions, and I didn’t offer up much about myself. We weren’t close, but he was one of the few people who didn’t know about my accident. Anyway, one night, he started touching me like he wanted to have sex. I wasn’t ready, but I went with it because I was tired, and I wanted to feel something. I tried to hide my peg, but he saw it and made a huge deal out of the whole thing. He called me a liar and started calling me ‘Peggy the Pirate’ to anyone who’d listen.” I hang my head. “That was my first time ever… almost having sex.” I shrug. “I haven’t tried again since. At least until earlier with you.”
“Jesus Christ.” His fist balls around the wheel of the truck. “I want to fuckin’ kill this guy now.”
“It’s okay… he’s not all wrong. I should’ve told him about my leg. I’m weird and—”
“You’re not weird!” Gunner growls. “You’re beautiful. You know how many of my buddies lost their legs, or their arms, or God knows what else overseas? So fuckin’ many. And yes, it’s hard, and it’s an adjustment mentally, emotionally, physically, the whole thing, but they’re alive… and that’s huge.”
“I’m thankful I’m alive, but I don’t know. I have to look at my mom every day and she’s so sad. I think the thing with my dad messed her up beyond all repair. She clings to me now. Mornings, she insists I stop in for breakfast, and she drops by for dinner most nights.” I laugh under my breath. “She’s probably got a search team out for me right now.”
“You don’t owe her anything, honeybee.” He lands his giant, calloused hand on my cheek and turns toward me. “I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I have an idea. I’ve been back from the desert for three years now and I spend so much time wondering how each different decision could have changed so many lives. There’s so much weight to survivor’s guilt.”
My eyes cautiously flick up to his. “That has to be tough, Gunner.”
“I like to think I’m figuring it out, but just like you, I have to find something to live for that maximizes the time I’ve been given. When I left the service, I planned to run a little fishing charter. I thought I’d be the guy entertaining tourists with war stories and tips on catching pike and trout while we puttered around a lake on a sunny morning. Instead, I keep myself hidden in the woods, afraid to make any real connections. Hell, if I’m being honest, part of me pushed you away earlier because I don’t know how to act now that you’re real.” He sighs and brushes his hand down over his beard. “What I’m trying to say is that we’re here for a reason, you and I, and that means something. We owe it to the people who lost their lives to keep going.”
I nod slightly and stare toward him for a long minute before he pulls me against his chest and kisses the top of my head. “You’re beautiful, inside and out.”
I want to believe him, I really do, but how? How do I believe something that isn’t true? How do I believe something I wholeheartedly feel is a lie? “It’s not true, though. I’m not beautiful. I’m overweight, I’m missing a leg, my hair is dry, my eyes are—”
“Hold on… don’t talk about yourself like that.” He grips my chin in his massive hand and draws my gaze to him, his voice low and gruff as he says, “Look at me. I could go on and on about how gorgeous you are. The way I admired your hair in the shining sun earlier, the way I studied your body bending down every chance I got, the way your eyes look when you’re staring up at me. It’s obvious to me that you’re stunning… but what good does that do? You’re more than the way you look. You’re full of strength and fire. You’re a woman who’s fought her own wars. A woman filled with passion and love, and, if I’m honest, I’ve been falling in love with that woman for months now.”
I stare up at him, unsure what to think or feel. I don’t usually believe compliments, but his words were more real than anything I’ve ever heard.
“I’ve been falling in love with you too, Gunner.” My heart swells and I fall against his chest hard and fast, unable to hold tears back as they soak his shirt. “None of this bothers you? Not the leg or the age gap or the virgin thing? It’s a lot.”
He brushes back a strand of my damp hair, his hand lingering on my face. “I want to be your first, your last, your everything. I want to fill you up with babies, and make you scream out my name because you’re you. I don’t claim to think our age gap won’t make things difficult at times, but losing you today, even for a few hours, was too much. I never want that pain again, honeybee.”
A smile lifts onto my face unexpectedly. “I’m kind of liking the honeybee thing.”
“Yeah? I figured it was fitting due to the whole swarm fiasco earlier.” He laughs with me, and for a moment, I feel like my life is on the right track. “What happened, anyway?”
“Oh, I was picking flowers near the shore to set next to the mining shed and—” My phone buzzes in my back pocket again. This time it’s incessant. “I should probably check that. If it’s my mother, she’s going to lose it if I don’t respond.”
Gunner nods and I check the screen. I’ve only missed twenty-one calls and forty-one messages. That’s nothing. I pull down on the menu to read the most recent. They’re from Nora.
Nora: Your mom is looking for you. They took her to the emergency room.
Nora: Your mom is freaking out. I told her I’d find you.
Nora: She says it’s her heart. You need to get out here.
Nora: Where are you?
My heart tightens as I stare down at the screen. This is my punishment, the universe telling me I have no right to move on. No right to feel anything. No right to leave my mother without a partner while I run off to have sexy times in a lake with a much older man. How else would someone explain the timing of all this?
“What’s wrong?” Gunner sounds concerned, and I appreciate him more and more every second, but I have no idea how any of this works in reality. I’m too messed up. My life is a wreck.
“Can you take me to the emergency room? My mom is down there. Something is going on with her heart. My friend just texted me.” I speak while typing a message to Nora.
“Of course. We’ll be there in ten minutes.” He pulls me close to his chest, and though his body feels like a comfort I’ve never felt in my life, I wonder if any of this will matter in the morning.