Chapter 33 Lev
LEV
Papa glares at me from across the room. If Anastasia notices the tension, she doesn’t comment until he exits the room and walks down the hall, out the front door.
He’s going to a meeting for all the Elite members, which means he’ll be gone for a few hours, and other than my sister’s voice, all will be silent.
For once.
After a week in prison, I want my bed, a shower, and to not leave my room until Ursin’s next mission, which, according to Papa, will be tomorrow. Dimitri and I are headed somewhere—details undisclosed for now.
Anastasia launches herself at me, tightening her arms around my neck. “Thank God you’re home.”
I think I’m supposed to hug her back. I don’t know, though. It doesn’t feel like I should, despite her being my sister.
I’ve known for a few years I’m not normal. People touching me, even Ana, makes me long to shower in boiling water. Carefully, I peel myself from her hold, keeping her at an arm’s length.
“What was it this time?” She frowns, glancing out the window and down the road to where Papa’s car is still visible.
“Same as always.”
She tsks. “Lev, maybe stop that hobby.”
It’s not a hobby. Computers are becoming my life. My fix. They make everything better. Some people have family, I have electronics. Computers and networks don’t ask dumb questions.
“Papa won’t stop,” she whispers, which is pointless; he’s no longer in the house. “Maybe you need to deny what you want in order to survive. It might be the only way this gets better.”
Ididn’t stay away from technology. Not that day, nor any of the others following, no matter how much Papa hated it.
That stretch of time in prison, as well as my conversation with Anastasia afterwards, did provide one valuable lesson that stuck with me right up to becoming an Elite member.
Sometimes, it’s safer to deny myself what I want.
There hasn’t been an instance of needing to yet. Vanessa has appreciated the networks I’ve built and anything else I bring to the organization. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have promoted me.
Until this job.
Until Serafina Mancini.
I’m denying what I think I want for her safety and my survival.
It fucking sucks.
I fixated on computers until my obsession grew into something more.
My fixation with figuring out Serafina can’t become an obsession. It can’t grow into anything more.
No matter how much I want to stop denying what I know—feel—deep down.