Chapter 35 Lev
LEV
With those two words, I damn myself.
I break the trust of my Pakhan. Could potentially start a war with Zeno.
And yet…I don’t stop. Can’t stop. Can’t attempt to end this again. I tried. I failed. Turns out, I’m weak. Uncontrolled. Papa would be ashamed.
My hand delves back into her hair, like when I held her on my desk. So many fantasies bloomed then, ones I previously couldn’t dare to have. It was her whispering my name that nearly destroyed me, returning me to the present and shattering the single second of peace I discovered kissing her.
True peace. Peace I never believed possible.
Since day one, Serafina’s had this ability to rid my mind of the incessant buzzing, but kissing her…
Whatever’s wrong with me, with my brain, whatever undiagnosed issue I suspect having, was cured.
An impossible feat, the logistical part of my brain reminds me, but kissing her was once impossible too.
I hadn’t meant to. After days of avoiding her, of trying to lock my jealousy behind the lines that have long been drawn between us, the boundary exploded as soon as she sat on my lap.
When she came downstairs, I should have been wise and sent her away.
I certainly shouldn’t have let her play my game, especially not sitting on my lap, which I dragged her onto.
How can a woman feel so fucking right when other people aren’t tolerable?
How can a woman quell the static when others create it?
This undefinable influence she has is daunting. The phenomenon of Serafina Mancini is something I’ll live and die by.
She gasps into mouth, and it detonates my will. Fucking destroys me.
I haul her against my chest like I had earlier in a moment of comfort, not minding being touched by another.
This time, I walk her backwards to the wall and capture her wrists in my free hand, ensuring she can’t touch me.
If we’re doing this, I must retain control, because if I don’t, if she touches me, I won’t survive.
Survive…but survive her least of all.
My tongue stakes claims I have no right to make. She kisses me back just as hard, and I hate her for it, hate how she unravels me so easily. A look, a breath, a single fucking word has me tripping over my morals and unease.
She arches her back, her nipples stiff beneath her tank.
She didn’t seem to have any idea they were hard the entire time she played my game, the basement temperature not meant for such little clothing.
She moans lightly as my mouth breaks from hers and nips down her jaw, towards her neck, repeating what I had done earlier before coming to my senses.
This time, I don’t stop. Senses are all but gone.
Vanessa will kill me.
Anastasia will probably help.
Zeno will actually slaughter me, bring me back to life, and do it all again.
Serafina’s younger than me and has so much to live for, and getting involved with a man who makes killing and infiltrating networks his world isn’t it.
I’ve killed more people than she can ever count, broken into more networks than she’d ever know.
I was my father’s puppet, forced to bend to his whims. I’ve spent as much time in prison as I’ve spent in her company.
She’s a virgin. She confirmed as much after Vitale’s attack. It’s definitely not mine to take.
By her collarbone, I pause to catch my breath. Her vanilla and peach fragrance is slowly breaking what’s still barely held together. I wonder if the rest of her will taste like it.
“Stop me.”
“No.”
“Please, Serafina. Be good. Push me away.” She must, because it won’t be me who ends this—not again.
If she manages to, then I’m quitting as her protection detail. I’ll admit everything to Vanessa and beg her to take over. Now that I’ve kissed her once, I won’t be able to return to being just her friend, her guard.
Still. She must end this. For the sake of both our families, my vows, and her future.
“Never.” Her breathy whisper damns me, and I lightly nip her neck.
“You’re not meant for me.”
“Maybe I am.”
“My hands are stained.”
“Why are you fighting this?” she asks, her question truly gutting me. Enough, I lift my head and suck in the basement’s cool air, trying my damnedest to replace what she’s filled my lungs with.
“Because we shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Do you want to?”
What a stupid question. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have crossed the basement and pulled her back down the step she managed to climb.
“More than anything.” My hands cup her face, angling her head so she can discover the truth for herself. “Don’t doubt that, but I’m not the important one here.”
She frowns, tracing her fingertips up my arms to rest her hands atop mine. It’s the kind of touch I’d normally shy away from, but her palms are warm and welcoming, not anxiety-inducing.
With her, I’ll never get enough.
“We’re all who matters. You and me, Lev. That’s what I want. Us.” She releases my hands to skirt one down my chest to my waist, ensuring I know exactly what she means.
Her sweet scent wraps me up until I’m kissing her again. It ends quickly, with her frustrated moan, nails digging into my hips to keep me in place.
“Go upstairs. My bed. Your first time won’t be against a wall.” There needs to be some discipline and sense here, and waiting two levels of the mansion will be it, damn it.
Her chin jerks behind me. “The futon is basically your bed.”
“It’s not a bed, and certainly not a place for us to do this on.”
“I’m not breakable.”
“Printessa, that’s exactly what you are. You’re so fucking breakable to me, because you’re all sharp edges. I haven’t been able to survive you since the day we met. I’ll be damned if you don’t survive me. I’m already breaking many promises tonight. Let me not feel like otbrosy while doing so.”
Although she doesn’t know the term translates to scum, she must respect the fact it means something to me. She whispers, “Alright.”
Satisfied, I release her. “Everyone’s gone for the night. Go up to my room. I’ll meet you there shortly.”
Her eyes narrow, glancing over at the computer desk. “Promise?”
“Definitely.”
She kisses the corner of my mouth before taking off.
Once the door’s shut behind her, I switch off all the lights and follow her up, walking extra slow to give her time to change her mind.
If we’re both lucky, distance cleared her head, and she’ll be hidden in her bedroom, door shut, and no further promises will be broken.
But this is Serafina, which means she won’t be.
And she isn’t, since when I approach my room, the door that was previously shut is now open, and she’s standing in the centre of the room, her hands loose by her thighs.
Her teeth scrape her bottom lip, and she readjusts her feet twice in the time it takes me to enter and shut the door. Her nerves aren’t easing my guilt.
“I’m sure, Lev. I can read your hesitation.”
Of course she can. “You’re nervous.”
“I’m fine. Better than fine.”
She steps in my direction, and I have to believe her, so I meet her the rest of the way, sweeping her into my arms. My hands cup her ass, and I walk her to my bed to rest her on the edge of the mattress. Her hands slide from my shoulders, down my chest, and rest on my lower stomach.
My cock jumps in anticipation. True anticipation it’s never really felt with anyone else.
Sex is and will always be weird to me. It’s…fine, I guess. It’s messy and involves a lot of touching, so I don’t do it often. Usually, there’s alcohol involved to lower my inhibitions and relax me enough to feel normal.
However, there aren’t any of my usual doubts and fears. Everything is too natural with Serafina.
And that scares the shit out of me.
“I’ve never taken a woman’s virginity. You’ll need to let me know if it hurts. We’ll go slow to prepare you.” Only when she nods, telling me she understands, do I continue. “Vanessa flew to Italy to visit your brother, and my sister is out. It’s only us home, so make as much noise as you want.”
Noise. A woman’s moans annoy the hell out of me. It’s like a contest on who can be louder.
I want to know what Serafina sounds like.
She nods again, this time slower, her throat bobbing with nerves, so I tilt her chin up. “Be good for me and don’t hide. Pain, pleasure, I want to hear it all so I know what you’re feeling—what you need.”
Her pupils dilate, lips parting in anticipation as I reach for her shirt to tug it slowly up her body. If I’m going to Ad, may as well take my sweet time getting there. Her hair slips from the shirt as it’s pulled overhead and tossed to the side.
Then, I nudge her onto her back, laying in the centre, right in the space between where we last laid together. If only I knew then she’d one day return as my undoing.
“God, you’re beautiful,” I murmur into her skin while my lips glide over her collarbone, following instincts I’ve never felt before. “I vow to take care of you.”
“You always do.” A sharp gasp slips out when my mouth latches on to one of her budded nipples, doing what I’ve been dreaming of since she sat on my lap.
After a moment, I shift towards her other breast and repeat the same and then kiss downwards, over her stomach, my breath coasting along her waistband. She rolls her hips, and I grip her shorts.
“You still have time to end this, Fina, but once I taste you, I won’t be strong enough to.”
“I want you, Lev.”
No one’s ever wanted me. Not like this. Nothing past what my tech or fighting skills do for them. Other women may have wanted me for sex or my position. With Serafina, there is no just sex possible.
So, it’s her statement, seemingly simple but oh so much more, that has me ripping her shorts and panties off in one movement, tossing them to the floor. My attention lowers between her legs.
Trakhni menya. My fuck, I’m, well…fucked. Entirely and utterly.
She watches me on raised elbows, her teeth in her bottom lip.
“Have you had someone lick you here before?” The question is bitter on my tongue, the thought of others trying to give her pleasure.