Chapter 36 Serafina
SERAFINA
Lev takes the condom back and rolls it on in a move so quick, I nearly miss it. He climbs onto the bed and settles between my thighs. When he starts to speak, I half expect him to be checking yet again for consent.
While sweet, it’s frustrating.
It’s not another confirmation he seeks, finally understanding I’m not stopping this for anything.
“Do not hide from me. If something hurts and you need me to slow down, say so. If you want me to stop, tell me.” His thumb and forefinger catch my chin, as though my attention could possibly be anywhere else.
He lowers onto his other hand until he’s hovering over me.
“You hear me? You tell me to stop, and it ends immediately.” Fierceness runs through his dark eyes, likely in reaction to my last near-experience.
Lev isn’t Alessio. He’s nothing like Alessio. Lev protects me. He’d never hurt me, especially during sex; I can’t claim the same about Alessio.
“I trust you.”
“That’s your first mistake.”
He takes his cock in hand, rubbing it along my slit, wetting himself with my release. A release that’s nothing like anything in the past, my mind still freaking out. I did that.
He pauses, hesitating from pushing inside. Again, sweet but frustrating, so my heels dig into the mattress for leverage, ensuring he won’t hesitate a third time.
“You look perfect like this. So, so pretty, Serafina.”
“Fina,” I correct softly. “With you, it’s Fina. It’s your nickname, after all.”
“Mine,” he murmurs in a considering tone.
If only he’d state where his thoughts wandered, because if they took the same journey as mine, we’re both in trouble.
My wondering ceases as he slowly pushes inside. It’s not painful—yet—but he fills me nonetheless. Although his fingers and tongue did magical things to me, they never prepared me for this—for him.
My eyes clamp shut, and I inhale through the slight burn while also preparing for the inevitable sting of my hymen breaking. The discomfort won’t be his fault, though I suspect he’ll try to claim it.
“Eyes open,” he commands, his tone firmer than anything I’ve heard from him yet.
This entire experience has been a mixture of the Lev I’ve known and a stranger. His hesitation, his kindness, that’s all my Lev. This new one is dominant and sexy and exhilarating.
Free. He’s free.
He pushes another inch inside before pulling out to his head, coating himself to go deeper the next thrust. “I can continue going slow and probably drag out the discomfort, or I can go all the way, and the pain will be instant.”
What man would ever ask this? Lev. That’s who.
“All at once.” Mainly to help ease him.
His jaw locks, like he didn’t want that to be my answer. He sinks back inside as deep as he’s already been before lowering onto me. A warm palm cups my face, his determined and tormented expression the final thing I see before he claims my mouth in a sweeping kiss.
A kiss that makes my head go light as his fingers weave between mine, moving my hands to the side.
His grip tightens, warning me of what’s about to happen right before he sinks all the way inside me with a strangled noise, which mates with my own moan-slash-cry.
He grips tight enough he could probably break my bones, but it works, giving me a different pain to direct my attention to while my body adjusts to his length.
“Tell me when the ache goes away.”
It’s less of an ache and more of a quick sharpness. His size is taking longer to adjust to than being hymen-less, a foreign but welcoming feeling inside my body.
“I’m okay now.”
“You feel amazing.” His rattled breath radiates over my face, and that’s when I catch his arms quivering and his pinched expression like he’s in pain.
I stroke his cheek and then smooth my thumb over his brow. There’s nothing I can say to make his own pain—his discomfort over touch—better. Nothing but ask him, which might draw attention to something he doesn’t want to focus on, so instead, I kiss him.
“You realize how fucked you are?” he asks, breaking from my mouth.
“How so?”
“You think I can go a day without being inside you now?” He rolls his hips against mine, shuddering. It sends his cock even deeper, but sparks of pleasure ignite. “I’ll never be able to stop remembering this. From craving more of you.”
Considering I expect him to bolt afterwards and pretend it never happened, this is progress.
“I’m okay with that.”
“You really shouldn’t be.” It’s a quiet mutter, coupled with his head ducking low until he’s staring between us rather than at my face.
“I’m growing addicted, Fina. When I get addicted to something, I get fixated.
I’m unable to think of anything else. That’s what you have become, damn you.
You quiet the noise like no one else ever has. ”
Lev doesn’t seem like someone who gets obsessive over anything. But if he does, and I’m his…then nothing sounds better.
I rock my hips into him, watching pleasure encompass his own concerns, the torment matching his strange words. Power is drawn from that fact, so I do it again.
“Fina,” he gasps, his grip around my hands becoming impossibly—painfully—tight. “Printessa, you need to stop. I’m trying really fucking hard to not hurt you. You can’t do shit like that.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to go gentle.”
He pauses as something dark and dangerous glints in his eyes. My words dare his restraint. Then, he moves again, releasing one of my hands to lift my right knee up to his hip, altering the angle.
“You asked for it.”
His thrusts create a rhythm I attempt to follow but fail. He moves fast but controlled, and despite his latest statement, I’m getting the sense this isn’t him being rough. This is his controlled version because he’s still holding back for my first time.
His forehead drops to my collarbone before he nips the skin there. He reaches between us, circling my clit with his thumb, which makes the knot in my stomach unfurl, my orgasm pushing past the strange sensation that is sex.
“You’ll come like this.” It’s a command and question all rolled into one, and he pinches my clit until white spots decorate my vision and my core pulses around his length. He does it again until I cry out, somehow actually managing to orgasm during my first time.
Friends never reported that. They said it’s rare the first time. I should have guessed, because nothing about Lev is uncomfortable.
With my orgasm, he moans into my skin, and his thrusts lose any sense of pattern before he comes too. The veins in his arms pop, his grip digging into my hands to the point of bruising.
I love it.
Lev drops back down to kiss me tenderly, the complete opposite of what he’s done so far. His tongue strokes against mine, and gently, he slides from inside me and removes the condom to discard.
“I can’t believe I orgasmed the first time.
I don’t think I would have if you weren’t touching me.
” The words pour out before I realize that beneath the facts, there may be a slight insult there, like I said he wasn’t good enough just being inside me.
Panic clawing my throat, I rush to add, “I mean—”
He kisses my forehead with a smile depicting more than only tenderness. “Most women don’t their first time—or so I’ve heard. I get what you’re trying to say. Next time, we’ll see how your body reacts.”
My heart flutters a bit. “Next time?”
“You broke me, Fina. Broke me and patched me up all at the same time. I won’t be able to stay away unless you tell me to.”
So he’s not running. It’s a bigger miracle than having sex at all.
Lev lowers onto the bed beside me, tucking me into his side like it’s the most natural thing in the world, which contradicts everything about him. His arm rests around me, rubbing circles on my hip.
“I could go.” Leaving is the last thing I want, but if he needs space, I’ll respect that.
His arm tightens. “Don’t you dare. You’re going to sleep here so I can watch over you.” Despite his words, he pulls away and ignores my protest to disappear into the bathroom.
Water runs, and then he’s returning with a warm cloth. He climbs back onto the bed and parts my legs to gently wipe. “You may be a little sore tomorrow.”
He finishes cleaning me with the utmost care, his motions gentler than anything ever felt. It’s a strange look on him, but it’s welcoming too. From his furrowed brow, he thinks so too.
Once he’s back from discarding the cloth into the bathroom, he reclaims his place beside me, pulling me into his side. My head lands over his heart, the gentle thumping becoming Lev’s theme song.
Exhaustion begins tearing at me—finally. To think, this night began with me tossing and turning in my bed next door. Yet now, sleep is unwelcome, because I can’t rest yet. Come morning, I’m not sure what to expect from him, no matter what he claims tonight.
“You said something earlier… ‘You quiet the noise like no one else ever has.’ What’s that mean?”
He turns from my hair towards the ceiling. His body grows tense beneath mine, so I stroke his stomach, hoping for once, touch soothes rather than aches.
“You’ll be the first I’ve ever told, though Ana suspects.
When I first mentioned it to my papa many years ago, it didn’t go well.
My head…” Ten full seconds pass. “There’s something wrong with me, but I don’t know what.
Testing won’t change anything, so I never bothered.
It’s been happening for a long time. I react to things differently than Ana or other people.
Things easily overstimulate me. There’s this…
this near constant buzzing in my head that keeps me awake at night and distracts during the day.
It’s the reason behind my sleep issues, or my preference for being alone.
Crowds stress me out because there’s too much to focus on, and I never know how to act or what to say.
To help, I count or tap. Numbers relax me. ”
His hand moves beside mine, his index tapping the pattern I’ve watched him do countless times. Now, it all makes sense.
“Pretty sure numbers are behind my computer obsession. Everything has a place. Zeros and ones make them up. Networks, tech… When others struggle, they makes sense to me. But you…” He sucks in a breath, turning his head until his lips brush my forehead.
“From day one, you’ve done the impossible.
You make the buzzing go away. Your touch eases rather than stresses.
So, da, you quiet my mind in the way no one ever has before.
It’s one reason I agreed to being your security; I needed to get close to you, to figure you out. To understand your effect.”
So much about Lev’s personality makes sense. Others might be offended to hear a job protecting them was agreed upon for the other to solve the mystery, but it’s very Lev.
“What conclusion did you come to?”
“I haven’t yet, and I may never. Which is fine. It’s all you, Fina. I don’t know why or how, but something about you makes whatever’s wrong with me better.”
It sounds like he’s undiagnosed with something, but I don’t know enough psychology to even begin guessing. Really, none of that matters, because I wouldn’t change a thing about him.
Behind his explanation, my own issues arise. He agreed to come to Italy because I asked for him. Curiosity aside, if I never asked, he wouldn’t have had the chance. He left his house, a place he’s comfortable in, to do a job in a strange place, despite his own struggles.
Before the nagging voice latches too deeply, I push upright to twist and look him in the face.
“You’re uncomfortable around people but agreed to guard me at school anyway.
You attended a party that was pure chaos.
You allow me in your basement when you don’t enjoy people in your space.
You still attend school with me…” My list of everything he’s done trails off as I’m caught up in the thickness of emotion.
He's been suffering for me.
He cups my cheek, pulling me down and half overtop him. “You asked, I agreed. Simple as that.”
“Discomfort is not simple.”
His thumb traces my jaw. “I know you’re thinking you’re a burden, but you’re the furthest thing from that.
Sure, university isn’t fun. Da, it’s busy and hectic and makes my head pound, but you, Fina, you are my medicine.
I do it for you because I want to. I agreed to the job because I wanted to, and I have no regrets whatsoever.
Being around you has been the best time of my life, even if I haven’t always shown it.
The way you ease me pays me back tenfold, so if anything, I’m indebted to you. Don’t think of yourself as a problem.”
“Alright,” I agree after a long moment, because how can I not? “One more thing. You believe there’s something wrong with you when that’s the furthest thing from the truth. If only you could see yourself through my eyes; then, you’d know there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect, Lev.”