Chapter 20
Vincent
“So that’s it?” Nathan murmured. “You get to decide this, too?”
I wasn’t deciding anything. I was doing what I needed to do to keep my fucking sanity.
I still couldn’t believe what I’d let happen downstairs.
I’d fucked the man like an animal on my kitchen table, and I’d done it without a condom.
The only other man I’d ever gone bare with had been David, first as dumb kids who hadn’t known any better, and then as grown men who’d been in a committed relationship.
I wasn’t either of those things with Nathan, yet when I’d realized I hadn’t put another condom and packet of lube in my wallet after the previous day’s encounter, instead of stopping the whole damn thing, I’d grabbed a bottle of fucking olive oil, ignored the voice of reason in my head, and buried myself inside his perfect body before he or God or anyone could have stopped me.
And I’d fucking loved it.
Even now I was getting hard just thinking about how good it had felt. How much hotter and tighter he’d felt gripping my dick. The moans that had fallen from his lips, the way the table had creaked under our weight as I’d pinned him to it…
Jesus.
I willed my dick to settle down as I tried to make plans.
I’d call Ronan and tell him to get one of his guys to meet me for the hand-off.
When Ronan had talked to me earlier this year about Ethan’s broken phone, he’d mentioned having operatives in D.C.
, Virginia, and Maryland, so any one of them should be able to meet me and take over Nathan’s case.
I ignored the panicked feeling that went through me at the prospect of not having eyes on Nathan anymore.
He wasn’t my responsibility, damn it. He was a fucking favor, nothing more.
A favor that had gone wrong from the second I’d met him.
“Go pack your stuff,” I murmured again, not daring to look at Nathan. I was sure that if I did, I’d be dealing with a repeat of the encounter in the kitchen. Only this time I could finally fuck him in a soft bed.
It shouldn’t have surprised me that instead of following my order, Nathan stomped to my side and grabbed my arm. Hell, I’d pretty much been expecting it.
Because the man never did what he was told.
Unless he was naked beneath me.
“I’m sorry, Vincent,” he said, his voice going calm and even. “I didn’t think about what might be going through your head when I broke that watch. I was thinking about what was going through my head.”
Even though he was standing right in front of me, my mind still went back to the vision that had been tormenting me from the moment I’d received an alert on my phone that his signal had gone offline.
Nathan bound to a chair, blood running down his body and pooling on the floor beneath him. His beautiful head hung with sheets of blood clinging to his light hair.
I’d tried calling, of course, as soon as I’d gotten the alert, but there’d been no answer either from Everett or Nash, who I’d finally agreed to let into my house so that Nathan would have someone protecting him in my absence.
It wasn’t that I completely trusted the man, it was that I’d feared for Nathan’s safety more than the prospect of having the armed agent in my home.
When they hadn’t answered, I’d checked the security cameras one by one, using my phone, until I’d gotten to the kitchen one which had been dark.
And just like that, it was the room that had become Nathan’s torture chamber.
I’d barely even given much thought to Everett and Nash, because my entire focus had been on what the assailant had been doing to Nathan.
Had he been finishing what he’d started with that knife, or had he simply put a bullet in Nathan’s brain and moved on?
Or had he taken Nathan somewhere that I’d have no hope of ever finding him?
I’d probably broken every single traffic law getting back to the house at that point. Luckily, I’d only been about an hour from the house and with the speed I’d been going, I’d made it in half that time.
Only to find Agent Nash calmly waiting for me in the driveway.
But even then, I’d needed to see Nathan.
My brain had processed what the agent’s presence had meant, but it hadn’t meant a goddamn thing until I’d seen Nathan for myself.
And as pissed as I was at Nash and especially Everett, I’d been glad they’d left, because after seeing Nathan, the most important thing had been getting my hands on him.
“You’re not the only one who was scared, Vincent,” I heard Nathan say. “Who is scared.”
“Nathan, go-”
“Right after I realized you’d broken your word about me being an equal participant in this, I started seeing things…”
His voice cracked, and that had me turning to look at him. His eyes were on the ground. “I kept seeing your body on the floor in some fucking motel room in the middle of nowhere, and I knew I was too late.”
“Nathan-”
“And don’t ask me to fucking explain why I even care, since you’re such a complete and total asshole.”
I wanted to smile at that. Not the words themselves, but the way he said them. Like he truly was exasperated by the whole thing. Yeah, well, he wasn’t the only one. I could count on one hand the number of guys I’d been with more than once and I’d only need one damn finger.
Well, two now.
“And you’ve fucked up my entire life…” There was still no anger in his voice as he lifted his eyes.
“Tell me I’ve fucked up your life, Vincent.
Tell me that what happened down there” – he pointed towards my bedroom door – “wasn’t just because you were pissed.
” He sucked in a breath. “Tell me that leaving me this morning was hard for you…that lying to me was hard for you.”
I knew what he wanted, and I knew no matter what I said, I was going to end up hurting him.
I could lie and tell him every kiss, every touch, every second I’d spent lost inside his body was nothing more than me getting my rocks off with someone who represented all the people who’d ruined David’s and my life.
Or I could tell him the truth and then try to explain to him why none of it mattered…why it changed absolutely nothing.
So I settled for something that had served me well in the past.
I kept my mouth shut and turned away from him and let him believe whatever the hell he wanted.
It was the coward’s way out, but for once, I didn’t care.
I kept my eyes on the expansive view of my backyard.
I ignored the urge to look at the spot by the pond where everything had changed…
where I’d slid into his body for the first time and had been certain it had been made just for me.
But of course, that was exactly where my gaze took me.
And all the while, Nathan remained where he was. I wanted to scream at him. To tell him to look around him…that this was my life. A life I couldn’t condemn him to.
Or myself.
That was the crux of it.
Even if I thought there was something between us worth exploring beyond the intense chemistry, I couldn’t go through even another minute like the thirty I’d spent in my car racing back here.
I couldn’t obsess over Nathan’s whereabouts every second of every day and wonder if today was the day my enemies made the connection…
that I finally had a vulnerability I couldn’t protect.
The mere thought of putting Nathan in danger had me forcing coldness into my voice as I said, “Nathan, go pack. We’re leaving in ten minutes.”
He didn’t respond and I didn’t dare look at him.
But it wouldn’t have mattered because he was pushing into my arms a moment later, his strong fingers reaching up to clasp the back of my neck.
“No,” he said firmly. “You broke our deal when you left me. I don’t take orders anymore.
” He yanked me down for a hard kiss. I tried to keep from kissing him back, but it was like trying to stop the coming tide.
But it wasn’t until he whispered, “Only place you get to order me around is in that big bed of yours, Vincent” and nipped at my lips and then licked over them with his tongue, that I knew I wasn’t going to win this one.
“What do you want?” he asked huskily.
I knew that physically, he was no match for me. But that didn’t matter, because he’d said the right words. He’d flipped that switch inside me that had lain dormant since I’d lost David.
David, who’d been the only one I’d ever trusted enough to show him what I needed.
Until now.
“Get on your knees,” I growled.
Nathan’s breath came out in a rush and his eyes went dark. He slowly sank to his knees in front of me. I could tell he knew what I wanted and that, despite everything I’d done to him, he was nervous. It was exactly the reason I’d given the order.
But I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to go.
Or stay.
He made the decision for me when he lifted his eyes to meet mine and waited. His hands were resting on the outside of my thighs.
“Open my pants. Take me out.”
His fingers shook as he did what I said, and it took him longer than it probably should have. But all that did was turn me on. I loved this side of him…this side where he confronted his fear, despite the fact that it made him so open and vulnerable.
I let out a groan as his fingers grazed my skin as he carefully worked my dick free of my pants.
My eyes were fastened on him as he stared hungrily at my cock.
His fingers were gently gripping my base.
I could see my own juices still clinging to my dick since I hadn’t had a chance to clean up after the encounter in the kitchen beyond washing my hands.
Nathan didn’t even wait for my next order.
Instead, he leaned in and pressed his nose against my groin and inhaled deeply.
His thumb toyed with my skin briefly, and then his warm breath wafted over my flesh as he tentatively licked the shaft.
He’d already tasted himself the night before when I’d shared the essence of his release with him, but he lingered over my flavor for a brief moment before taking another lick.
And another.