Chapter 13
R en
My hands were shaking as I sat on the edge of the tub.
What the hell was that? I didn’t want to push Blake away and make whatever he had going on worse, but he almost kissed me, and I nearly let it happen.
I closed my eyes, tapping my phone off my head when it buzzed.
I stared at the name and blinked. Myles had changed his name on my phone—sneaky ass.
Snowflake Catcher: Hey, Liam says you ran out of class. Is everything okay?
I was going to open the message and answer, but if I did that, then I’d have to explain where I was and why.
If he got mad, then I’d feel ten times worse than I already did.
Shit. Then again, why should I feel bad?
I didn’t do anything wrong…did I? Was I supposed to tell him things like when I left campus?
I needed a damn manual for this dating thing.
Where was the textbook with straightforward rules?
Sighing, I reached for the handle and stopped. Dammit. Giving in, I opened the message.
R: Yeah, all is fine. I’ll explain later. xo
There, now he knew I wasn’t dead. I didn’t need him to report that I was missing.
I stuffed my phone back into my pocket. Marching out, I walked down the hall, going over what to say in my head.
Sorry, I liked you, but we can only be friends.
Ugh, this sucked. Why did he have to confuse everything even more?
As I got closer to his room, I heard him talking. I assumed it was with his mom until I walked in, and she was nowhere to be seen. Blake had his back to me and laughed, but he sounded different.
“Of course, sexy. I’m always game for a good time.
What are the deets,” he asked, and I crossed my arms. Was I losing it?
Was he not just flirting with me? A little pang of jealousy smacked me in the face.
I was going to turn him down, but this was moving on fast by anyone’s standards.
“I don’t know, maybe.” He chuckled and made a low groaning noise that had my eyebrow lifting.
“Are you going to be a good girl?” He laughed again.
“Okay, a very bad kitty then,” he said. Then he turned around, and his face blanched.
I held his stare and could hear the squawking voice of the person on the other end of the line, but it was too quiet for me to make out what she was saying. Probably more dirty talk that I really didn’t want to hear.
“Yeah, I want to hear it all. Just give me a sec,” he said.
Shaking my head, I walked over to the platter his mom had been so kind to prepare.
I grabbed a napkin, wrapped up a couple of sandwiches, and popped a brownie in my mouth before heading for the door.
I guess I was calling Myles because I had zero interest in getting a ride back to school with Blake.
“Where are you going?”
I waved my hand at him, so annoyed that I didn’t glance back. Blake sprinted across the room, but I slipped out before he could block my way.
“Baby, let me call you back,” he said, and I ground my teeth together. “Ren, wait,” Blake jogged around me and stopped.
“Get out of my way, Blake.”
“No, let me explain.” His green eyes begged for me to listen, but I was way too pissed right now.
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say,” I said and went to step around him, but he blocked me. I was really getting sick of this group of guys cornering me like this.
“I just need five minutes.”
“No,” I growled. “Let me explain something to you. I chased after you because I cared about you, and Myles was worried. Why? I don’t have a freaking clue considering how you’ve treated me, but I do.
Then you feed me these lines and out of nowhere proclaim to have feelings for me, and…
.” I held up my finger like I was the conductor of an orchestra, and Blake’s eyes followed the movement.
“The pièce de résistance is that you almost kissed me.” I glared as I whispered as harshly as I could.
I didn’t know who else was here, but no one needed to hear how I was once more made to look like an idiot. I poked him for a second time.
“So here I am feeling guilty because I almost kissed you back, and the entire time you were doing the whole fuckboy Blake game. What? Did you want to see if you could steal Myles’s girlfriend?
Are you that angry with him that he loves you and is concerned about you?
Would screwing us up make you feel better?
” I shook my head. “Have a girlfriend, have ten or fifty, if you want, but stop trying to drag me into the middle of this crap.” I gave him a little shove in the chest. “The bet is long over. I want nothing to do with whatever this is.” I shook my head.
“I thought…doesn’t matter what I thought.
I can’t believe I skipped for this. I’ve never missed a class, now get out of my way or… .”
I froze in place, and my eyes were wide as Blake cupped my face, dropping his lips to mine. I’d always wondered how it was possible to be kissed and filled with so much confusion that you let it happen, but I didn’t need to wonder anymore.
My stomach flipped, and my heart was beating out of control as a shudder shot down my spine.
Blake’s kiss was tender, yet there was a desperation to it that had my head spinning and added to the rapidly building confusion.
He traced my bottom lip with his tongue and made a pained sound as he pulled away.
I understood that noise. Guilt gripped my chest even as my heart said that I cared more than I should for him.
I’d just cheated on Myles with his best friend. What the hell was wrong with me?
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against my lips and then deepened the kiss again.
I didn’t stop him. I was caught between loving the kiss, my jumbled emotions, and fear of what this meant once I got back to school.
“I’m so sorry,” Blake said, resting his forehead against mine, but at this point, I didn’t know what exactly he was apologizing for.
“For?”
“For everything. Including what I said, and then calling Kimmy. Please let me explain or try to. I can’t look any worse of an asshole than I already do.”
“That’s debatable.”
“Please. You came here for me to talk right? So, I want to talk.”
I pictured the conversation I was going to have to have with Myles and pinched the bridge of my nose. I tried to get control of the emotions before they carried me away or I ran around screaming in a circle.
“Fine,” I said, and the corner of his mouth turned up as he grabbed my hand and practically dragged me back to his room. Walking to the end of the bed, we sat down, but he didn’t let go of my hand. He gripped it tighter. The look on his face was as puzzling to read as my own emotions.
“I started to like you before the party, but we were all in that stupid bet, and Myles made it known how much he wanted you. Then I said what I said and…that was a disaster, and so was the library. I hated that we did that to you. I really did. So, I backed off and figured this would all go away. I hoped to earn your trust back so we could be friends, but the feelings haven’t faded. ”
I sat quietly and watched him and his bouncing knee that was shaking the bed until he let go of my hand and stood up to pace. The same nervous energy as the day in my bedroom was back, and it filled the room.
“I mentioned masks to you. What you just saw is mine. I’m the ladies’ man.
I’m the guy who gives you a wink, a sexy look, or a smart remark.
I’m the guy who dates a new girl every few days and doesn’t have a care in the world.
That’s what I’ve always portrayed to everyone, including the guys and Theo.
It’s been like that for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be myself.
It’s a constant act I uphold because, honestly, it’s what people expect, and I do it well.
As much as I hate wearing the mask there is also a comfort in having it on and being able to hide. ”
“I don’t understand. The guy I met today is far more interesting than the shallow one who was trying to one-up Myles in a bet to have sex with me. I mean, that has to be exhausting.”
He laughed but there was nothing happy about it as he turned to face me with his hands on his hips.
“Ren, no one wants to hear how I’m fucking terrified to turn eighteen and need to figure out what I’m going to do with my life.
They don’t want to know that I’m not a fan of large crowds and that I hate that I’m not as smart as Theo.
They definitely don’t want to know about my panic attack during exams last year that led me to start using.
” Blake sighed. “When I’m Blake O’Brien, the cool guy, the playboy with a different girl every week…
I’m accepted. No one questions it. No one looks at me sideways and wonders if he’s going to have a nervous breakdown.
No one has the power to hurt me or hold anything over me.
Knowledge is power, and the more the students at school know about me… . I don’t want that target on my back.”
He walked over and sat down as his eyes roamed all over my face, and the heat that was still out of control in my body took another jump.
“Kimmy is my current girl. We started hanging out the same time you and Myles got together, but we aren’t serious.
I called her because….” He grabbed my hand.
“Because what I feel for you is terrifying me. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it.
No matter how much I try to smother it, it won’t go away.
Myles is my best friend, but I don’t know what to do.
I shouldn’t have laid this at your feet, but I need you to know this isn’t a game.
This right now, here with you, is the only time I haven’t been acting. ”
“I don’t know what to say or feel right now,” I said, staring at my hand in his.
Sighing, I pulled my hand away and played with the cuffs of the hoodie.
“I get what you’re saying, Blake, and I hate that you’ve lived like this for so long.
I’m happy that you feel you can come to me and confide in me, but…
shit.” I rubbed my eyes as I tried to wade through the chaos.
“You asked if I was serious about Myles. The answer is yes, I am. He may never speak to me again, and I’ll be the reason you two get into another fight, but I don’t want to be the flag in the middle of the tug-o-war rope.
I’m not the type to jump from one guy to the next or cheat, and I don’t know what to do with any of this right now.
” Standing, I walked over to the window and watched the snowfall.
“Are you going tell Myles about me kissing you?”
I locked eyes with him in the reflection of the window.
“I have to tell him. I refuse to be what I hate. It’s not in me to be that kind of an asshole.
” I looked down at the pool in the massive backyard.
It was closed for the winter, but I could imagine the aqua color sparkling in the summer and how pretty it would look.
“Just the thought of what Myles is going to say or do is making me feel sick.” I closed my eyes and prayed he didn’t walk away. Just when I had started to let myself go and trust him, I had to break his trust. Fucking ironic.
“So you’re saying the connection I feel between us isn’t real?”
“No, I’m saying that it is, but I can’t go there. Myles is my first boyfriend, and he’s amazing, and here I am sneaking off campus with his best friend, and I just kissed you and….”
“Technically, I kissed you.”
I looked at Blake as he rubbed the back of his neck. “But I kissed you back. Twice. I didn’t push you away. I didn’t stop it and…I’m a horrible person,” I said.
“No, you’re not. I’m the one who started this. I could’ve kept my mouth shut about how I felt. I definitely didn’t have to kiss you. This is on me. I wanted to get it off my chest, and I’ve dragged you into the middle of my turmoil.”
“If we’re going to play the technical game…I chased you down and got in your car. We’re both to blame.”
Blake stood and walked over until he was standing right behind me.
He got close to my ear, and I shivered as his lips brushed against my skin.
“I don’t regret telling you. It may be wrong, and I’m sorry that it puts you in a terrible position with Myles, but you’re the first person who has made me feel anything real.
I needed to say it,” he said softly and kissed my earlobe.
I shouldn’t feel like this was natural between us.
It wasn’t right. “For the record, I don’t think Myles is going to leave you,” he kissed my neck, and I didn’t dare turn around.
“Stop, Blake. Please.”
He sighed but nodded and moved away. I shuddered and sucked in a deep breath as I was once more cast into the whirlpool of emotional insanity.
“Why do you think that?”
Blake gave me a sad smile and walked over to grab a sandwich. “Just trust me. I know him, and he’s crazy about you. The fucking prick,” Blake grumbled around the mouthful of food, and I laughed. It was the first moment we were at ease since I got into the car, and it felt good.
“We’ll see. Tell me, are you going to keep using?”
Blake’s smile fell. “No. I knew it was getting out of hand, but I tried going a day or two, and the withdrawal was no picnic. The cravings felt like life or death, and I was agitated, restless, and depressed. Now my anxiety is back and feels worse than before.”
“Then let Myles in on what’s going on with you. He wants to help, and when you two fought, he seemed genuinely heartbroken.” Blake scoffed. “I’m serious. I think you’re underestimating what your friendship means and how easily he would be fine with whatever you told him.”
“Maybe. Look, I should get you back before it gets any later. It’s only going to get worse the longer you’re here,” he said, and I hated that I felt like I caused this.
I never should’ve tried to help. I jumped headfirst into the chaos and had no one to blame but myself.
The problem was, now that I had, I couldn’t just turn my back on him.
If nothing else, he needed to stay clean.
“Okay, let’s go,” I said.